Hi AngelPhiSig,
I can relate.
My mother was an alcoholic for about 12 years - from when I was 9 years old until I was 21. Luckily, she was sober for the four years I was in high school. This sobriety came after several attempts at recovery programs. She finally shaped up after spending 8 months in a Salvation Army live-in program, and then another 4 months or so in a halfway house.
My mom did attend Alcoholics Anonymous on and off through the years. Also, my father attended Al-Anon while my sister and I spent several years attending Alateen. For those who don't know, Al-Anon is for spouses (or adults friends whatever) of alcohol abusers. Alateen is for teens whose parent(s) are alcoholics.
Unfortunately, my paternal grandmother passed away in 1995. My mother didn't know how to handle it and decided to start drinking again after 4.5 years of being clean and sober.
It was a downward spiral from there.
Living with my mother was a terribly painful experience at times. It pained me to see my father and sister hurting too. As a kid, I couldn't bring people over to my house because I was too embarassed. Yes, I had feelings of resentment for many years because I felt that she didn't take care of me the way a mom should.
Normally, my mom was a quiet sort of "drink and pass out" alcoholic. But, for those of you who wonder what life with an alcoholic can be like, here's a story of one time when she wasn't quiet:
In 1998, my boyfriend, Neil, flew in from England to meet my parents. A bunch of people who are friends of my family were gathered at a local pizza place. So, my dad and mom came too so that they could meet Neil. When they walked in, I could tell that my mom was drunk as all get out. I have no clue why my dad didn't leave her at home. She just started fading out as she was sitting there until she was practically passed out. Neil asked my best friend, who was sitting next to him, if my mom was alright. Now, he knew my mom was an alcoholic, I guess he just wasn't sure what was going on. Anyway, my friend made up some excuse like, "Oh I bet she has the flu or something."
Finally, I turned to my dad and said, "I think I better take mom home." He was mad [at her] and said that I should stay with my friends and he'd take her home. When he went to help her up, she was tipsy and, while trying to pick up her purse, she actually fell underneath the table. Her glasses fell off and, all of a sudden, she got agitated and started screaming "My glasses! I can't see!!! I can't see!!!" in the middle of the crowded restaurant. She didn't want to go and she started flailing her arms wildly while screaming as he dragged her from the restaurant. I went with to make sure they got to the car alright. Fortunately, about 8 of the 10 people at my table were really good friends who already knew about our problem. Nonetheless, I came back and apologized to everyone for my mother's outburst and briefly explained to the uninformed couple that my mom had an alcohol problem.
Can you imagine that? I bring my boyfriend over to meet the parents and my mom falls drunk under a table and starts screaming in a public place. As awful as that was, I didn't love my mom any less.
A couple of months later, in December 1998, she had to go to the hospital after a neighbor found her collapsed on the street corner and dialed 911. She had a blood alcohol level that was well over the lethal amount. How she survived, we don't know.
Sadly, my mother passed away on February 17, 1999 due to "acute alcohol intoxication" - that is, she drank herself to death.
BUT, there is comfort in the fact that just hours before she died, she had called up the Volunteers of America to see about enrolling herself in a program. The last time I saw her, it was three days before she died - she was sober and upbeat.
In response to her death, my father wrote a very touching letter to the center where she had first tried to get help. The point of the letter was that not everyone finds their life-long recovery. He wanted to remind the people in recovery that Alcoholism kills - it is a very real disease. He thought that if just one person could read about my mother's story, then maybe they'd think twice before taking a drink. The staff asked if they could print it in their newsletter so that all of the program participants could read it.
I for one have been completely at peace with my mother and my subesquent loss. Without trying to get preachy, I am a Christian. I have faith in a God who is very forgiving and gave me strength and wisdom to make it through each day. Through my experience with my mother, I learned what it was like to love someone unconditionally. It's extremely hard to do - but when she passed away, I had no feelings of anger, regret or guilt. I take consolation in knowing that I will see my mother again - she accepted Jesus Christ into her life just weeks before she died. Those around her noted that, even though she still had a disease, her spirit was different.
And yes, it is a disease. I cannot fault my mother, I believe that she truly wanted to be sober.
AngelPhiSig, please don't feel like "trash." You are not trash and your father is not trash. Your father is a valuable human being who needs help. It may be hard, but try and keep that in mind.
For everyone, I am not ashamed of myself. I am not ashamed of my mother. I loved my mother; she was a kind and generous lady. I have no problem sharing this very personal information about myself. Why? Because I know I am not the only person who has had an experience like this. To think otherwise would be silly. I know there are GCers other than AngelPhiSig who will read this and know exaclty what I am talking about.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Sometimes when the opportunity presents itself, I share my story because I just want people to know that it is possible to love someone inspite of his/her addiction. It is possible to still be successful in life even after growing up with something like this. Not all alcoholics die and not all alcoholics have complete recovery...but there is *always* room for love; there is *always* room for hope.
Anyone is welcome to PM me if they want.
......Kelly
Kelly's mom says: "Keep trying! Keep believing!"
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