The Age-old question

Lone Dog · #1 02-20-2003, 07:16 PM

Can men and women be just friends????

As much of an optimist as I am, I'm beginning to conclude the answer is a resounding NO.

As a married guy, once I meet someone new, I get one of two things:

1) The "run-girl-run" look
or
2) The "I'll be your FRIEND (wink wink) look"

My Ednas, please tell me there is hope. Can't a brutha just engage in conversation over a beer or glass of wine with an attractive, intellectual, ambitious sistah without the other party always thinking it's about trying to stroke??? Or are my newfound inclinations correct?

ROOO

CrimsonTide4 · #2 02-20-2003, 07:24 PM

I can be just friends with a man, married or not.

One of my former co-workers was a handsome Black who was married. Not only BECAUSE I respect the marriage covenant, but because NOT EVERY MAN is one that I want to be intimate with, he and I truly were just friends. I was also friends by association with his wife. He is flirtatious, true, but he never took it "there."

Truly it all depends on the PEOPLE who are involved.

Bruh who is pushing up on you? Are you married to a soror?

Lone Dog · #3 02-20-2003, 08:18 PM

Nah, not married to a soror.....

But I have met sorors who have fit into both of the categories I mentioned in my orginal post. I remember one soror I met that wanted to kick it and go have drinks after we talked for about a half hour at a greek event, until I told her about my kid, and then my wife. Then she ran for the hills like my name was Bin Laden.

But I've also met a few that were like, "Cool, whatever." But had that look in their eye....ya'll know that look....like she was a starving child and I was happy meal with a toy prize inside.

But it's not just limited to my Ednas, I have met all kinds, shapes, colors, and sizes that have given me one of the reactions. Don't get me wrong, I have the casual friends...from work or whatever. I'm not talking about that....I'm talking about a real friend. One I can go kick it with and trip out with and get deep with and all that.

I got the bruhs.....can't replace or match them
I got my wife.....can't replace or match her
I got my boys....can't replace or match them either
and yes, I even have the ladies of the African violet....can't replace or match them
But I don't have any real female friends....can't replace or match them because they don't exist.....

Maybe it's because true mental stimulation is the ultimate aphrodisiac; and a man and a woman engaged at that level of trust inherent to a complete friendship is just too much to remain strictly buddies..... ???

ROOOOO

CrimsonTide4 · #4 02-20-2003, 08:33 PM

Hmmmmmm now with further enlightenment, I understand your question better.

I have not had that type of male friend in AGES. I miss that type of male friend who was just that -- MY BOY, MY ACE BOON COON. I think the dynamics of male/female friendships change from STRICTLY PLATONIC to PLATONIC FOR NOW because a lot of folks' mindset is that sooner or later, that man and woman will hook up in some way and the friendship is forever shot to hell.

Also another thing, some WIVES cannot handle their husbands having a woman friend that is THAT CLOSE!! Some women just cannot be trusted around your man AT ALL. I am thankful that the women I call FRIENDS are not like that. . . but you never know.

Then some wives might wonder HOW COME their husbands have to seek a female friend that is as close as you are wondering about OUTSIDE OF THE MARRIAGE.

It is a lot of parameters to this question and this is coming from my POV.

Does your wife have a MALE best friend like that?

jll79 · #5 02-20-2003, 10:41 PM

I believe that men and females can be friends. I have many male friends with girlfriends and I respect them because they don't take it there just because they are around another female. Some of their girlfriends I don't have a problem with, but there are some who have a problem with me because I am a female.

It's all about trust in a relationship and if there is no relationship, then it is nobody's business who you hang with. My boyfriend has some female friends that were there before I got into the picture but I trust my boyfriend to do the right thing.

ClassyLady · #6 02-20-2003, 11:34 PM

Of course men and women can just be friends. I have quite a few really good male friends who I can just chill with and laugh with as if they were girls. The sad thing about this is that most of my male friends are gay. Now that I think about it, all of my male friends are either gay or once liked me but now know that they haven't got a shot. I am starting to wonder if a heterosexual man and a heterosexual woman can truly just be friends without one of them having feelings for the other.

carolyne · #7 02-21-2003, 02:19 AM

Why do you feel the need to make NEW female friends? What do you feel would be different while hanging with a female as opposed to a male? I'm married and my husband has a few female friends that he is really close with and that's fine. I'll be honest and say that if he all of a sudden had this new best friend who was a female, I'd have a problem with it. I have absolutely no problem with the females from his past (as a matter of fact, they've come to stay with us), but you can't trust many females. I trust my husband but I don't know if that new "friend" will try to test her boundaries. Then it would get ugly.

My advice to you is to stick with the friends you have now. It just seems a little odd that you seem to crave a female companion.

stardusttwin · #8 02-21-2003, 02:32 AM

I have one really close male friend - since college - we never dated but he listened to my tales and yelled at me when I needed it just as I listened to him and chastised him when he was wrong. The only conflict was when I dated his frat for a minute and his loyalties were divided - we got past it - we are still friends 10 years later and this particular frat brother is long gone...

That said - we were/are really close friends prior to his marriage - in fact although I had heard all about her (the goodbad, breakup to make up drama) I didn't actually meet her until their wedding day. No drama or crossed eyes (I was expecting it) she just gave me love and I felt comfortable from day one that she understood that we are just friends. I think because I've since made an effort to get to know her she knows there is no reason to be suspicious. Now I no longer call anytime of night - but if she answers the phone I'll talk to her for a minute before she says let me get him for you.

But that's the woman I am - there are other friends that he has had to cut off all contact with....I'm not so sure how she would feel it we just met today and tried to develop a "close" relationship. I'm not so sure I would feel comfortable even pursuing a friendship with a married man outside of work or a professional (or maybe church) setting. I think I'm too conscience of sending off the wrong message. Maybe these women are misreading YOUR intentions. There are a lot of brothers out here who throw the wife and kid info up front so they can say they told you but they are very much looking for more than just "friends" (not saying you are doing this but I think this may be why some women are running and high tailing it).

Lone Dog · #9 02-21-2003, 08:16 AM

Carolyn (Masterpiece),
Don't get it twisted....I don't CRAVE new female friends. All I was asking is if it's possible for men and women to just be friends, and then went into my experiences.
I am perfectly happy where I am now with the friends that I have. But since this is a discussion board, I brought the topic of friendship between a man and woman up for discussion. My bad if I gave the impression that I was on the hunt for a woman; that wasn't my intention.

CrimsonTide,
You are absolutely right. Some wives can't handle her husband having female friends. But my wife isn't one of those. I have kicked it with females before that I knew from my college days (watched the last Tyson fight with one) and there were no problems at all.
Personally I think it is healthy for men and women to be friends, just as it it healthy for men to have their boys (and me, my bruhs) as it is for women to have their girls.

The word friend itself is derived from some Old English words (I think) freo and freon. The former meaning free, and the latter meaning love.

How many folks in here can actually say they have a person of the opposite sex (heterosexual), not related to or married to or involved with, that they are free to be themselves with and really love???? No sex or nothing ... just chillin'.

As a man of Omega, I know ALL about friendship (FIETTS). More about it than most people ever care to contribute thought to.....
So why is it so easy to apply the principle to folks of the same sex, but not of the opposite?

ROOOOOO

1savvydiva · #10 02-21-2003, 09:52 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Lone Dog
Can men and women be just friends????

Hey LoneDog...it's kinda cool to see someone on the board from Odenton! My dad, and grandparents, other family is from there, I just went to visit the other week. Most times when I say I am going home (and I mean Odenton), I just say Baltimore, because nobody ever knows where it is!

ANYWAY on to the question at hand...honestly, I do not think that women and men can just be friends...UNLESS

A) There isn't a mutual attraction
B) There is a previous obligation (i.e. relationship/marriage)which causes one or both parties to abstain from furthur 'exploration'
(assuming you are dealing with 'upstanding' moral characters

)

I think that two single, attractive people can ONLY be friends for so long until one of them starts to display some feelings, whether it's just "I wanna crush you", or "I think I love you", eventually the friendship will evolve.

That's just my opinion!

carolyne · #11 02-21-2003, 10:59 AM

Lone Dog, I see where you're coming from and apologize for any assumptions that I made. But I have to agree with others on the board who say that it may be misconstrued as something different when a married man tries to get to know a new woman outside of his marriage.

To answer your question, I think it is highly possible to be just friends with the opposite sex. But as someone said, there can't be any attraction to the other person or someone will find a door to slip in and try to start something more. It's really funny when people ask this question because my husband was a really close friend for four years before we started dating.

Lone Dog · #12 02-21-2003, 02:45 PM

1savvydiva,

Yep, I'm in Odenton...but only for a week longer. Brutha making that move to Bowie, MD. Finally getting into a house and getting out of renting.

Back to the topic: I think you're on to something. I can vouch for the fact that two single folks (man and woman) can't be just buddies for too long if there is a physical or mental attraction. That's just how human nature seems to operate...

And should one or more of the involved parties be committed to someone else, seems like grown folks would be able to keep their carnal desires at bay. If you want that brutha/sistah that bad, just turn out the lights, and have a Tweet-inspired "OOoops....Oh My!" episode. The friendship should take precedence over one's libido.

One thing that separates us from animals (yeah, yeah I know humans are animals too....anyway) is that we have a sense of responsibility and the ability to reason. Unfortunately, a great many of us have lapses in common sense, if not lack it altogether. But it just seems to me that two grown folks should be able to relate amicably regardless of the other's personal committment.

Aahh well, I guess the glass is half-empty on this one rather than half-full.

Why can't it be like the days when we were little ya'll?? John goes to Jane's house....uh, scratch that....Travion goes to Laquan's house and they play freeze tag, or red-light-green-light. And it was all good!! Such innonence....

But you know how the story goes after that: while playing hide and seek, they end up humpin in the woods. Then they kiss, and then they get to middle school and get mad at each other for cheating on the other (Why you give Kasheka a hug???), then they lose their virginity to each other on Prom night and then a year later they don't talk any more...... and it brings us all back to the question that started this whole thing.

Damn...

Well, I'm rambling now..... ROOOO

1savvydiva · #13 02-21-2003, 06:51 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Lone Dog (IN PART)
But you know how the story goes after that: while playing hide and seek, they end up humpin in the woods. Then they kiss, and then they get to middle school and get mad at each other...

Now, LoneDog....I KNOW you wasn't humping nobody in the woods in elementary school...NOW WERE YOU

?

Rain Man · #14 02-27-2003, 06:31 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Lone Dog

How many folks in here can actually say they have a person of the opposite sex (heterosexual), not related to or married to or involved with, that they are free to be themselves with and really love???? No sex or nothing ... just chillin'.

Here ya' go, LD, *raises hand*

Matter of fact, I am in a situation with a woman who I have know since I was 16 (back in 1989 yall)--we volunteered at a local hospital and had a pretty good friendship--matter of fact, I took her to the prom. We have had NO physical contact whatsoever. We drifted away for a while, and recently reunited--she lives in DC, but is contemplating moving back to Ohio. Anyhow, we have a lot in common and we get a LOT of mental stimulation from each other. We even want to get married and have kids. However, I got a feeling that she still sees me as "just a friend"

I say all that to say this: I can no longer afford to have "female friends" who are in spirit very close and intimate to me but does not want to commit to at least a courtship to consider me for a husband. Acquaintences and people who I know I wouldn't want to marry are fine, but close female friends are at this juncture a distraction. Because right now I am patiently waiting on my bride to be presented to me and if you have been very close to me but don't want to commit to me, you are wasting my time. I want a woman who will be my attraction, not my distraction. Distractions will take me away from where I need to be when my bride will be presented.

As far as this particular young lady goes, if she wants to remain buddies with me, fine. We will have to go our separate ways as buddies. Can't do it no more. I desire and deserve better, and that is what I will get.

Just my 73 cents

1savvydiva · #15 02-28-2003, 02:44 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Rain Man
Here ya' go, LD, *raises hand*

Matter of fact, I am in a situation with a woman who I have know since I was 16 (back in 1989 yall)--we volunteered at a local hospital and had a pretty good friendship--matter of fact, I took her to the prom. We have had NO physical contact whatsoever. We drifted away for a while, and recently reunited--she lives in DC, but is contemplating moving back to Ohio. Anyhow, we have a lot in common and we get a LOT of mental stimulation from each other. We even want to get married and have kids. However, I got a feeling that she still sees me as "just a friend"

..............

As far as this particular young lady goes, if she wants to remain buddies with me, fine. We will have to go our separate ways as buddies. Can't do it no more. I desire and deserve better, and that is what I will get.

Just my 73 cents

See, RM, if you scroll up to my post, that's one of the points I was making. If SHE wanted to be more than friends, you would be down, so basically...there isn't a MUTUAL attraction in your situation, that's why you and her have remained friends.

That's just my opinion!