Question...

NOWorNEVER · #1 04-04-2002, 01:33 AM

Hi everybody,
It's the April Fool here

and I have a small problem. My first cousin is getting married in early June and I'm excited for her. After months and months of planning the wedding, she called me tonight to say that one of her bridesmaids won't be able to be in the wedding and she asked if I'd like to replace her. I was excited and said I'd be honored. I got off the phone and my mother told me if it was her, she wouldn't do it because my cousin didn't ask me in the first place....only as a back-up

So, should I tell her no? We used to be close like when I was 13, but we've grown apart. Should I be honored or offended? Any advice? What would you do?

CrimsonTide4 · #2 04-04-2002, 08:38 AM

Don't be offended. It happens. I have never been in a wedding before

-- but I betta before I die.

This is a stressful time for your cousin. I am not sure how she picked her wedding party, but I know for me (single girl here just projecting her wedding dreams), it would be hard to include all of my significant folks in my wedding party. I would want my cousins but at the same time, like you and your cousin, we have grown apart and recognizing that -- I would not have them in my wedding party but would explain to them that their presence @ my wedding is crucial to me.

If it helps, depending on your comfort level, present it to your cousin with a casual attitude as well as loving. Were you offended @ not being asked way back when she first determined her wedding party? If not -- then say nothing.

Did I give too many options? I am supposed to be sleep but I felt you needing my presence.

straightBOS · #3 04-04-2002, 10:06 AM

For me the question is.. Do you feel offended? Or do you think you should feel offended?

Possibly, the person who had opted out was closer to her now than the two you are, so she chose her first. A wedding needs (at least should have) some limitations and she might chosen from her immediate circle of friends first. It might not be a reflection on you but on the relationship between the two of you.

If you truly do not feel offended, then I say go and have a good time. But, if it is something that is bothering you a little, you could call your cousin and find out how she picked the bridesmaids.

Also, understand that it may have been hard for her to approach you as a replacement knowing that you might be offended and refuse because you were not the first choice.

Good Luck to you.

Kimmie1913 · #4 04-04-2002, 11:18 AM

Personally, I think people take all the being asked to be in the wedding stuff TOO DAMN SERIOUSLY!!! I mean, if the only way you can judge your relationship with your sister/cousin/friend is by whether or not she asked you to be in the wedding party says a lot about your relationship already. Most women I know did not have an easy time picking in the first place because unless she was trying to march to the alter looking like she had an army of women with her someone was not going to be asked. Many brides agonize over who to ask just because people take all of this so seriously. I have been in a few of my friends weddings and not in a few. I always looked at it as if I am secure in our friendship, who cares? (I think not being invited to the wedding is way more significant) Also, sometimes peoples families make them obligated to ask this sister, or his sisters or who knows to be in the party.

If I were you, I would be honored to stand up for my cousin because I love her. Even though she did not ask you initially, she did ask and I do think you she feel special for that. Don't let any one (not even your mom- and I know how hard that can be) tell you how YOU should feel. This is about you and your cousin, not them. Say yes, buy that dress, and try to help her feel beautiful and special on their special day. And do it all in love.

DST Love · #5 04-04-2002, 11:58 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Kimmie1913
Personally, I think people take all the being asked to be in the wedding stuff TOO DAMN SERIOUSLY!!! I mean, if the only way you can judge your relationship with your sister/cousin/friend is by whether or not she asked you to be in the wedding party says a lot about your relationship already. Most women I know did not have an easy time picking in the first place because unless she was trying to march to the alter looking like she had an army of women with her someone was not going to be asked. Many brides agonize over who to ask just because people take all of this so seriously. I have been in a few of my friends weddings and not in a few. I always looked at it as if I am secure in our friendship, who cares? (I think not being invited to the wedding is way more significant) Also, sometimes peoples families make them obligated to ask this sister, or his sisters or who knows to be in the party.

If I were you, I would be honored to stand up for my cousin because I love her. Even though she did not ask you initially, she did ask and I do think you she feel special for that. Don't let any one (not even your mom- and I know how hard that can be) tell you how YOU should feel. This is about you and your cousin, not them. Say yes, buy that dress, and try to help her feel beautiful and special on their special day. And do it all in love.

Exactly!!

Virtual Violet · #6 04-04-2002, 12:42 PM

Just remember the golden rule for weddings....WHAT THE BRIDE SAYS GOES!!!

Its the best way to keep the peace!!

Three_Love · #7 04-04-2002, 01:18 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by CrimsonTide4
Don't be offended. It happens. I have never been in a wedding before -- but I betta before I die.

Crimson, I don't know how old you are, but take it from me, you need to be GLAD that you haven't been in a whole bunch of weddings. They can be time consuming, stressful, and EXPENSIVE. I have been in more than I can count - TOO damn many at this point. I recently made a VOW to not be in any more weddings unless it is one of my sisters or one of my SUPER DUPER TIGHT Big F Friends. And when I get married, it will be me, my two sisters, and maybe two other folks tops.

I agree with Kimmie1913 - folks take this whole bridesmaid thing too seriously. I also agree that you need to answer StraightBOS's question about whether you ACTUALLY FEEL offended or not. If you don't feel offended and want to help your cousin out, then go for it. You sound like you really want to do it.

But me, myself personally, if I wasn't close to the cousin and hadn't been close to her since we were 13, then I wouldn't be in the wedding. But like I said, I've already been in 8 go-jillion weddings, so that's just me.

DableST_1 · #8 04-04-2002, 02:28 PM

Take it for someone who is getting married (in 100 days to be exact)

Choosing someone to be in your wedding can be VERY stressful!!! Especially when you have a LARGE family like I have!!!!! There have been a case when I wanted one of my soon to be sister-in law to be in the wedding, and she just found out she is pregnant and can't be apart of the the ceremony. So I had to find a replacement, I asked on of my closest cousin to be in the wedding. She totally UNDERSTOOD, and stepped in. Now from what I gathered from planning this wedding, it can be EXTREEMLY stressful on the bride, and although my cousin wanting to be in the wedding in the FIRST place, she undertood that I have a HUGE family and that I had to include my sisters, and my hubby sisters, and my best friend!!!! (Which equals a total of NINE brides Maids!!!!) I really wanted to include my ships (line sisters) but I couldn't so instead they are all hostesses!
I say be in the wedding, and if you are having second thoughts about it, PLEASE tell her ASAP so that she can find another replacement!!! Just think if you were in her shoes! I am pretty sure she is stressed out enough at the fact that one of her bridesmaids can't do it anyway!!
I hope this helps!!

NOWorNEVER · #9 04-04-2002, 09:43 PM

Thank you all for your advice and suggestions. I wasn't really offended to begin with...my mother was the one who said I should be. I would've been just fine showing my face at the wedding, but I've decided to be in it for sure. I feel better now knowing that her bridal party will be complete. Y'all are right, she's under enough stress already. Asking her why she didn't ask me in the first place does seem petty. I can't wait because I'm soooo happy for her!

Congrats to you DableST_1!

Indigo1913 · #10 04-05-2002, 12:44 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by NOWorNEVER
Thank you all for your advice and suggestions. I wasn't really offended to begin with...my mother was the one who said I should be. I would've been just fine showing my face at the wedding, but I've decided to be in it for sure. I feel better now knowing that her bridal party will be complete. Y'all are right, she's under enough stress already. Asking her why she didn't ask me in the first place does seem petty. I can't wait because I'm soooo happy for her!

Congrats to you DableST_1!

RowdyRed · #11 04-05-2002, 12:48 PM

I would say "no", but offer to assist her in any other way she might need - you admitted yourself that the two of you had grown apart - a bridesmaid is more than someone to stand up in a pretty dress, a loose acquaintance or a not-so-close relative isn't enough in my book and it's no big deal when a bridesmade backs out because an extra groomsman can easily become an usher or the bridesmaids and groomsmen can walk behind one another and not paired off so it's not big deal to have an extra of either.

DableST_1 · #12 04-05-2002, 02:04 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Indigo1913

Why the

????

Indigo1913 · #13 04-05-2002, 03:50 PM

Sorry for the confusion. It was the first time I've posted for this site.

In regards to the bride's maide situation, I can attest to the confussed and stressed state of the bride. My best friend has just celebrated her third wedding anniversary. We both have had a good laught over how I found out I was in the bridal party. I was so excited when I found out she was engaged. For an engagement present I gave her a stack of bridal magazines and a list of 14 things to do. Needless to say I waited for her to ask me to be in her bridal party, after all we had been through hell and high water together. When it didn't happen I realized that maybe I wasn't suppose to be in the party, I was just suppose to be the steady friend that shewould need at this crazy wonderful time. One day while we were still at school, we're both teachers, I told her that I understood that I was to be her strong arm to lean on. Well the look on her face was priceless, she told me that I was to be a bride's maide and that she had asked me. I told her no you didn't. Talking about confussed. She stared at me and she couldn't think of not having me there standing with her. So yes, brides to be can be a little out there. Go have a great time at the wedding.

Reds6 · #14 04-05-2002, 04:13 PM

Hi Soror! Were are you from.

Quote:

Originally posted by Indigo1913
Sorry for the confusion. It was the first time I've posted for this site.

In regards to the bride's maide situation, I can attest to the confussed and stressed state of the bride. My best friend has just celebrated her third wedding anniversary. We both have had a good laught over how I found out I was in the bridal party. I was so excited when I found out she was engaged. For an engagement present I gave her a stack of bridal magazines and a list of 14 things to do. Needless to say I waited for her to ask me to be in her bridal party, after all we had been through hell and high water together. When it didn't happen I realized that maybe I wasn't suppose to be in the party, I was just suppose to be the steady friend that shewould need at this crazy wonderful time. One day while we were still at school, we're both teachers, I told her that I understood that I was to be her strong arm to lean on. Well the look on her face was priceless, she told me that I was to be a bride's maide and that she had asked me. I told her no you didn't. Talking about confussed. She stared at me and she couldn't think of not having me there standing with her. So yes, brides to be can be a little out there. Go have a great time at the wedding.

Indigo1913 · #15 04-05-2002, 04:25 PM

I'm a native New Yorker, living in the Boggie Down Bronx.