Problem with brothers

Shawndalynn · #1 02-17-2002, 07:13 PM

Okay this might be a little long but I have to ask so I can get some unbiased opinions. I asked in an earlier thread about talking to my best friends frat brother becuase we had gotten into a fight and weren't talking. Well I have been talking to his brother and I think it's going pretty good. Kinda slow but I am sure thats the best way for things. But he was the one who told me that my best friend was a jerk and that he didn't deserve me, etc. Well I haven't talked to my best friend for almost 2 weeks till last night when he called to apologize for being a jerk - and that him and his girlfriend had broken up. Well he ended up coming over to my apartment and we were talking and I had told him that I had kissed his brother becacause I thought it would be better if he heard it from me than someone else and to make sure he did not mind. Well he informed me that the guy I like is a player. So basiclly they are talking shit about each other to me. What am I supposed to do?? I love my best friend to death but he is a player to so it's not like he is perfect- far from it. But I do know that he cares a lot about me and he doesn't want to see me get hurt even though he has hurt me before. I guess making up for lost time. So I am in the middle of something that I really did not want to be in the middle of. I like his brother a lot but I don't know if he is going to play me or not but I am really scared that he might and I really don't want to deal with that right now. I just wanted to know what I should do. They are both totally awesome guys. And of couse I am biased to my best friend because I have known him for almost 5 years but I really want to get to know his fraternity brother better like we have been.

lovelyivy84 · #2 02-17-2002, 07:29 PM

I think you might want to re-evaluate both of these relationships.

Is there some reason that you feel you have to jump into a relationship right now? If you are not sure about this guy then wait. Get to know him better as a person and as a friend.

What EXACTLY is going on with your 'best friend'??? It sounds to me like something other than a platonic friendship is going on here. If you have romantic feelings for him OR he for you and you want to maintain the friendship you need to clear this up REAL quick, or you will lose it. It also seems that on some level you feel that you can not trust him. I think you have to listen to your gut if it is telling you that something is wrong, but make sure that it is not only because you WANT for the relationship with the frat brother to work out so bad.

Anyway, to summarize my advice I say take a step back and wait it out. Decide:

a. what exactly is your relationship with your friend
b. what level of trust fo you have for him
c. what level of trust you have for his frat bro
d. what kind of relationship you want with BOTH of these men- where do you want these relationships to go?

Good luck!

Shawndalynn · #3 02-17-2002, 09:09 PM

Okay well I used to have feelings for my best friend and I guess I still on some level care about him still in that way but I know that we will never be able to be together. I mean I was in love with this guy and it is hard to go from that to just friends but we are working on it and want to stay friends. I guess that has cuased us some problems in the past also.

And no I don't want to jump into a relationship right now.

And my best friend I honestly can not tell you weither I trust him or not. I mean I know he means well, I know that but he doesn't always do it the right way. We did promise each other that would we always be truthful to each other but that was just last night. And my best friend has actually hurt me in the past, I wanted to be with him and it was almost like he used me. He knows that I am never going to hate him that I will always be here for him and sometimes he has taken me for granted and he knows it. I think it is just taken him longer to grow up and realize that I am an awesome friend.

And I really don't have a level of trust for his frat brother. I don't think I know him well enough to say that. I guess pretty much on that I am just going by what some people- his friends have told me. I know that should not matter but it does sometimes.

It is hard to say what I want with the two of these guys I am now just getting around to where I thought for the longest time that I wanted to be with my best friend but I know I don't want to be with him anymore, I still care a great deal about him and we could be friends forever I know we could.

And his fraternity brother I honestly just want to get to know him as a friend better but it is hard when he saying stuff about my best friend. It's hard to believe or trust either one of them when they are talking about each other.

I know I have a lot to things to figure out but it helps a lot when someone I don't know and doesn't know 1 of the 2 guys or both of them gives some advise. Thanks!

lovelyivy84 · #4 02-18-2002, 10:08 PM

Well I feel for you, I really do.

But it does not sound like you are at all over your best friend. I hope that works out for you but relationships where people have unresolved feelings- even after the feelings are somewhat resolved- can be strained. And if this guy is not what you need in a relationship, how is he what you need in a best friend? Trust, consideration, and caring are some of the major requirements in a relationship and in an intimate friendship. It doesn't sound like you have two out of three.

Sometimes caring ain't enough. But you know your own situation best and in the final analysis, are the only one who can judge whether or not this guy is a positive force in your life.