New member dilemma

[smiley1]

Hi everyone! I'm a Freshman at a large state university. I pledged during Spring Rush and have loved every part of being in my sorority. The Fall new member class was 50 or so girls and in my Spring group there are fewer than 10. I'm doing my best to eat at the house when my schedule allows, and I've been to all the new member meetings. I also helped out with a philanthropy activity that our house did. My problem has to do with the fact that I don't drink, and I'm pretty uncomfortable in situations where there is a lot of drinking involved. Since I've pledged, there have been a few mixers with fraternities that I've not gone to and there is a cocktail coming up that I'm really anxious about. There is also a Formal at the end of the year. I am not at all judgemental about people that drink, I just choose not to. I grew up in a small town, went to a small school and wasn't really exposed to a lot of partying. Do you think it's going to look bad for me if I avoid all of the parties and just do the sisterhood stuff? Since I pledged with a small group, the Fall girls have all had time to get to know each other really well and they are still just getting to know me. It won't be long before they figure out that it's not a coincidence that I bow out of every social activity by saying I have a paper or an exam or something. Can I keep dodging the social stuff and still be a decent sorority member?

[Old_Row]

Originally Posted by smiley1

Hi everyone! I'm a Freshman at a large state university. I pledged during Spring Rush and have loved every part of being in my sorority. The Fall new member class was 50 or so girls and in my Spring group there are fewer than 10. I'm doing my best to eat at the house when my schedule allows, and I've been to all the new member meetings. I also helped out with a philanthropy activity that our house did. My problem has to do with the fact that I don't drink, and I'm pretty uncomfortable in situations where there is a lot of drinking involved. Since I've pledged, there have been a few mixers with fraternities that I've not gone to and there is a cocktail coming up that I'm really anxious about. There is also a Formal at the end of the year. I am not at all judgemental about people that drink, I just choose not to. I grew up in a small town, went to a small school and wasn't really exposed to a lot of partying. Do you think it's going to look bad for me if I avoid all of the parties and just do the sisterhood stuff? Since I pledged with a small group, the Fall girls have all had time to get to know each other really well and they are still just getting to know me. It won't be long before they figure out that it's not a coincidence that I bow out of every social activity by saying I have a paper or an exam or something. Can I keep dodging the social stuff and still be a decent sorority member?

You can have fun at mixers without drinking! I bet there are quite a few sisters who don't drink but you wouldn't know because you don't go. You are missing out on a lot of fun! Go and have fun like you would at any other event. Don't talk about not drinking or draw attention to it because that will make people uncomfortable. Be yourself and no one will even notice and they shouldn't care much if they do.

[DubaiSis]

You don't have to drink, but you're going to have to get over it about being around people who do or being in situations that include alcohol. In the real world the vast majority of all adults drink alcohol at least occasionally. A big part of college for MOST students includes drinking. Should it be? There's no point in going there because the reality is what it is.
I would say you should start going to the parties and learning how to have a good time in those scenarios because in your whole life it's not going to go away. And being half a member isn't going to make that any less true.

[TriDeltaSallie]

Yes, you can be a good sorority sister and dodge the parties. You can be a great sorority sister and dodge the parties.

I don't drink and so I rarely went to fraternity parties until I became chapter president. Then I went for liability and standards reasons. As a strong introvert, parties are not my thing. I can't stand the smell of alcohol, especially beer. And, frankly, I really don't enjoy watching people doing stupid things because they've had too much to drink.

There were a few women in the chapter who were bothered by my lack of being super social and lack of interest in drinking. But they were only a few. I was very dedicated in many other ways that were appropriate for me and my personality. I don't think many (any?) of my sisters would have doubted my commitment to my chapter or my sorority.

If you are spending time with your sisters at other sisterhood events and contributing in other meaningful ways, you will be fine. If the drinking thing comes up, just say that parties really aren't your thing. Then suggest another way to connect with your sisters through another activity.

[GammaGirl1908]

It seems that you're assuming that the main purpose of the social events is to be drunk. While indeed there may be some people who do drink a lot, it's likely that just as many either don't drink at all, or drink in a controlled manner.

Unless it's an event focused on alcohol (wine tasting, cocktail mixing, etc.), everyone isn't automatically going to be drinking, and at any given event, there likely will be plenty of people who will have a little, but won't necessarily be smashed all night. Having one glass of wine is not the same as getting drunk.

Although my greek affiliation is with an NPHC organization that I joined after college (and so I am, technically, out of my lane), I went to many, many -- MANY -- NPC events while in college, and everyone wasn't drunk all the time. I didn't even drink myself until I was a junior in college, and I usually had plenty of fun dancing and socializing with a diet Coke in my hand.

Try at least a couple of events, and you might be pleasantly surprised. Most of the fun in social events is in getting dressed up for the party with your friends, sharing the experience, and giggling afterward about the funny things that happened. Plenty of people do that without drinks, and the ones who do drink, or even get sloppy drunk, don't necessarily ruin things for the folks who don't. Why would you miss out on all of the good parts because some dude might have a beer or some girl might have a Cosmopolitan?

I also agree with the person upthread who noted that it's a good idea to get used to the idea that you can't avoid situations with alcohol forever. A lot of people drink at least some of the time, and you'll be doing yourself a favor if you learn to deal with it.

[thetalady]

At least try to go to the parties & social events, ESPECIALLY the formals. Formals are a lot of fun! You can have a good time with a Coke or club soda with a twist in your hand. I bet no one will pressure you into drinking.

[amIblue?]

You should try it at least once. At least you can say that you tried it and it wasnt your thing. Most people, when you tell them you're not a drinker, will be cool with that. I'd just have a nonalcoholic beverage of choice in hand and have a good time.

[LouisaMay]

I am with ya! I hate alcohol, the smell, the mood of parties with alcohol, etc. I'm 33 years old, and I still hate it. At my own wedding, we served a lovely non-alcohol lemon spritzer for the toast, and the wedding was completely dry. Just be who you are! When I'm invited to an event that is going to involve alchohol, I try to make an appearance at the beginning. I just have fun, enjoy conversation, and relax. As the drinking progresses, I make a polite exit. This even goes for weddings. When the lights dim and people get focused on "dancing the night away," I leave having had a wonderful time. I'm totally fine with other people drinking. It's just not my scene.

Thetalady is right; you probably won't be pressured to drink. But I know that overt pressure isn't necessarily where your discomfort lies.

You should feel good about contributing to your sorority in the ways that build up the person you are and want to be. But I do encourage you to try these other social events in small doses so that you get to meet new faces and enjoy different friendships. Come and go as you please. In college, people seem to be a lot less concerned about who is or isn't drinking.

[smiley1]

Thanks for the advice! I think it would be a lot easier to go to a mixer for a while and duck out when I want to. They are usually at the Fraternity houses on campus. The cocktails and formals are actually what I'd prefer to go to.. but they are held off campus and sometimes out of town, so I can't just slip away as easily. The problem with mixers is that they start late and a lot of my friends will pre-party. (This is not just my sorority...it's all over campus in dorms, apartments, sorority houses, etc.) They go to someone's room, either in the dorm or in the house, and pretty much pound drinks so that by the time they get to the mixer a lot of them are trashed. I know I can skip this part....that's not what I'm saying. And I'm sure there are plenty of girls that don't do this. As soon as I get to know people better, I'm sure I'll find a group that are more like me.

Out of curiosity - does the drinking culture at college seem to have gotten worse? Has it always been this way?

[Titchou]

I assure you it's always been this way. I'm a 1964 initiate and my generation was all for the party scene. Luckily, at my school, most of the fraternity and sorority houses were in walking distance of each other so driving after drinking wasn't the issue it is now. And you could always find someone to walk you home.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by smiley1

I grew up in a small town, went to a small school and wasn't really exposed to a lot of partying.

The small town you grew up in and the small school you went to sound different from the small town I grew up in and the small school I went to.

Do you think it's going to look bad for me if I avoid all of the parties and just do the sisterhood stuff? . . . Can I keep dodging the social stuff and still be a decent sorority member?

The social stuff is part of the sisterhood/brotherhood stuff. I echo what others have said: You're likely to find yourself in this situation for the rest of your life. This is a great opportunity to learn to be comfortable with yourself and confident in your choices in situations where others are drinking. And I agree that you're likely to find others who choose not to drink.

[DaffyKD]

I am from the olden days when fraternities would get kegs for parties. There were always beer drinking games. I hate beer. Always have. I would join the parties with either a Coke or water. A few guys tried to pressure me to drink the beer, but then I knew they were the guys who I didn't want to be around on a permanent basis. In my days, we were fined if we did not go to a mixer with a fraternity. I just went with the knowledge that I was not going to drink. I thought of myself as the designated person to get everyone home long before the phrase, "designated driver" was in our vernacular. I walked many a girl home from fraternity houses.

DaffyKD

[33girl]

Originally Posted by smiley1

Do you think it's going to look bad for me if I avoid all of the parties and just do the sisterhood stuff?

YES. I know that for my sorority, we have four aims and "social development" is one of them. Like it or not, parties and formals are what passes for social development in college. You need to find a way to make them work for you.

Originally Posted by smiley1

Since I pledged with a small group, the Fall girls have all had time to get to know each other really well and they are still just getting to know me. It won't be long before they figure out that it's not a coincidence that I bow out of every social activity by saying I have a paper or an exam or something.

This is 1000% the wrong way to go about it. If you keep lying (and that's what it is, lying) about your reasons, pretty soon no one will believe a word that comes out of your mouth about anything. Not to mention that it completely contradicts your claims of not being judgmental - you're judging so much that you don't even want to be around people that drink. Just say "No thank you" and be done with it. Some of our most involved, most festive sisters were girls who didn't drink a lot or at all. You have to walk the walk as well as talk the talk.

And by the way, you can hang out with girls who are pregaming without drinking yourself.

Can I keep dodging the social stuff and still be a decent sorority member?

On paper? Yes, probably. But in practice, you will probably be quite unhappy and wondering why you're getting so little out of your sisterhood.

I enjoyed drinking in college, and I never in my life pressured anyone to drink. (More for me was my motto) If girls DO do that to you, it's not an alcohol issue, it's a trust and respect issue, and will probably manifest itself in other arenas, no matter how many parties you stay away from.

[LouisaMay]

"And by the way, you can hang out with girls who are pregaming without drinking yourself."

Yes, you certainly can, but when you aren't drinking and you aren't comfortable around alcohol or often underage drinkers (if we are being honest), hanging out with people who are deliberately drinking to get drunk is really, really NOT fun. Believe me...I have often been a designated driver. When people do more than have a few social drinks or wine with dinner, it is not a fun spectator sport.

But I am 100% with 33girl on the lying issue. Don't do it. It's not worth it. You are an adult and can very easily, honestly, and cheerfully decline. No stories needed.

[PM_Mama00]

I've been on both sides.

My younger years, I drank at the parties. We were not allowed to drink at mixers. I had fun.

Then I had that one night where you puke, have your first hangover, and say you'll never do it again. (hey, it was my birthday and I didn't even drink that much) I would drink a minimal amount or not at all. I'd play drinking games with a 20oz Coke. The best part is that there was always a sober sister around to drive or watch after the others who may be partying a little too hard, and I'm glad I was that sister even if people resented me for it.

My advice? DO NOT skip out on the social aspects. It's part of being in a sorority and how you learn networking and communication skills.