Being Kicked out

[lost sister]

I am wondering if there is anyone out there that's been in a similar situation or can offer me any advice ...

Right now I am finding myself in one of the most difficult positions of my life thusfar. My sorority is essentially doing everything in their power to get rid of me and kick me out. I cannot express how sad & upset I am over all of this, especially to know that the very girls that I have proudly called my sisters for the past three years are the very same 'sisters' that want me to leave. I am a senior in my university program & in my chapter, though I did take one year off of school. I joined the sorority at 22 and am now 25. The exec & the chapter advisor are telling me that it's an age thing, that some of the girls can't relate to me, and also that my actions have been inappropriate on too many occasions Funny thing is that there is a 24 & a couple of 23-year olds still around who aren't being forced out, and about not being able to relate - if you were to ask ANY of our new members, or sophomores for that matter, they would strongly disagree!! My heart is breaking right now ... I know that I have made some mistakes (3 years ago - before I ever joined), but I also know have put my whole self into the chapter & that I've been a good sister & friend whenever anyone's ever need me. All of my outside friends have long since graduated, and my few remaining pledge sisters are not in positions of authority. The girls running our chapter joined in the year that I took away from school. (

Thanks for reading this.

[PenguinTrax]

The part about your story that really stands out is about too many inappropriate acts on too many occasions. This leads me to believe that there have been some incidents that the exec and/or the advisors consider to have reflected poorly on the chapter.

That being said. Almost every group I know of has a standard judicial process and it must be followed. A chapter cannot 'kick' you out without procedure being followed. Have you been sent to judicial for these acts? And if so, were consequences laid out for you if the incidents repeated themselves? If the answer is yes, then it seems (for what little I see) that they may have grounds for wanting you to leave.

Now, before you get miffed, hear me out.

If there is a standard judicial process AND your chapter has not cited you through this process they are in error. You are an initiated sister and if nothing else, deserve respect on that account. Additionally, if these incidents took place before you even joined the chapter, they obviously weren't so bad that the chapter felt they shouldn't offer you a bid. Bringing these incidents up now is petty and looking for excuses.

Is there another advisor or regional/provincial/national officer that you trust and can talk to? That should be your next line of contact if (and only if) you have not had an official, 'on the record' discussion with the exec and pertinent advisors. If you are only being talked to by one or two members, independent of an official meeting, in my opinion, they are not handling this in a mature manner nor are they following what is surely national procedure.

Your options are as follows: try and resolve the issue internally, using your contacts as needed and follow national procedure and local by-laws. Your other option is to apply for alumnae status before the issue reaches a point where they remove your membership, thereby excluding you from participating in alumnae life.

Good luck..feel free to email me privately.

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Fraternally,
Barbara
Zeta Tau Alpha Alumna

If you have to go around telling everyone you're in charge you're not much of a leader.
Tallahassee Area Alumnae of ZTA
Tallahassee Alumnae Panhellenic & Sorority Recruitment FAQ

[This message has been edited by PnguinTrax (edited October 18, 2000).]

[BCNUQT]

You say you don't know what you've done, but could it possibly be that you've done nothing at all - such as not attending meetings because of work or school, or not meeting points? I know that a few sisters within my org. were terminated because they simply weren't able to commit. It wasn't that they didn't love their sisters or being a part of the org, but they just weren't giving the time that they plegded to fulfull.
I too question the statement about "inappropriate behavior." Many times we don't see what others see, and it may be that you aren't being honest with yourself....

[KarenC725]

I didn't go through the same thing but close. I was basically forced to leave a chapter I was affiliating with. I was accused of hazing (I was at home throwing up)with a group of actives. I hadn't even become a member of that chapter yet either. I went before jud board and was put on social probation for a year and my position for the next semester was taken away. Mind you, the president of hte house had left her little drunk somewhere the night before but called me a liar. Then, about 2 weeks before the semester was over, the treasurer called me and told me that I owed all of the semester's dues. Mind you, they were told that dues were to be prorated for the semester once I officially became a member. I did not participate in many activities at all since I wasn't a full fledged member. They kicked me out and told my national headquarters that I was delinquient on payments. So I don't get to experience any alumnae activities either. I had one other friend on that campus besides my sisters who would no longer speak to me. It was horrible. I feel your pain.

[AXO Alum]

Originally posted by PnguinTrax:
The part about your story that really stands out is about too many inappropriate acts on too many occasions. This leads me to believe that there have been some incidents that the exec and/or the advisors consider to have reflected poorly on the chapter.

That being said. Almost every group I know of has a standard judicial process and it must be followed. A chapter cannot 'kick' you out without procedure being followed. Have you been sent to judicial for these acts? And if so, were consequences laid out for you if the incidents repeated themselves? If the answer is yes, then it seems (for what little I see) that they may have grounds for wanting you to leave.

Now, before you get miffed, hear me out.

If there is a standard judicial process AND your chapter has not cited you through this process they are in error. You are an initiated sister and if nothing else, deserve respect on that account. Additionally, if these incidents took place before you even joined the chapter, they obviously weren't so bad that the chapter felt they shouldn't offer you a bid. Bringing these incidents up now is petty and looking for excuses.

Is there another advisor or regional/provincial/national officer that you trust and can talk to? That should be your next line of contact if (and only if) you have not had an official, 'on the record' discussion with the exec and pertinent advisors. If you are only being talked to by one or two members, independent of an official meeting, in my opinion, they are not handling this in a mature manner nor are they following what is surely national procedure.

Your options are as follows: try and resolve the issue internally, using your contacts as needed and follow national procedure and local by-laws. Your other option is to apply for alumnae status before the issue reaches a point where they remove your membership, thereby excluding you from participating in alumnae life.

I am quoting this whole statement, because it deserves to be read again. Once again, Barb, you are right on track!

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"Alpha Chi Omega - If you only had 2 wishes, what would your second one be?"

[33girl]

Lost sister -

Your situation sounds similar to something one of my sisters went through her senior year. All the sisters she was close with had graduated and the sisters running the show brought her in front of standards board on a bunch of charges - drinking too much, etc. - that they themselves were all doing. It was terrible - I mean, this girl was so dedicated to the sorority, and for her to get treated like this was a travesty. The other alumnae and myself basically eneded up being her sisters that year. The whole thing was out of petty jealousy - she was the prettiest and most popular girl in the chapter and people were envious of her and wanted to bring her down.

I hope that they gave you more concrete reasons than "inappropriate actions" - that is a catchall BS term for anything that someone wants to use, it could be something as lame as wearing letters with no makeup on. You have a right to know EXACTLY what it is you are doing that is ticking people off. If someone's mad that you stole their man, they need to have the balls to come out and tell you so.

Your standards policy should go something like this - you get brought in front of standards board, are told EXACTLY what the charges are against you, are given a chance to stop whatever it is you're doing (for example, blowing off events, excess alcohol consumption). If there's not a change in your behavior, then your name is brought to the whole sisterhood for termination (aka disaffiliation). You can plead your case then they vote. If you wish to appeal the vote, you can go to your nationals. at every step of this process, proper documentation should take place.

If steps similar to these weren't taken - I am assuming everyone's termination of membership process is more alike than different - then contact your province director or a national officer immediately. (I'm bypassing the advisor, because it sounds like she doesn't know what she's doing and is just listening to whatever exec board tells her.) Don't allow yourself to be "railroaded." It's just the same as you can't be sentenced without a trial. It kind of sounds to me like you made some mistakes when you were younger and that these newer sisters are just now finding out about them. Perhaps you did, but as Barb stated, the sisters who gave you a bid obviously didn't care. Past is past. You say that the new members and sophomores are on your side - keep them close to you, and let the exec board know if they want to get rid of you, they might lose some other members too.

[Tom Earp]

I too was kicked out of a Fraternity that was New on campus. With just 2 weeks to go in the term. During the summer I looked into as many Greek Societys that I could find and started my own local. We became a colony of Lambda Chi Alpha at the end of the school yr. It is unheard of. So far throught thick and thin we have lasted 35 yr. Not every member fits in! I got in the middle of a problem that had an Assoc. Member Balled a week before he was to be iniatiated I inquired about it but was told as an alum I had no say so. That may be true but I started the whole thing and have been working with the chapter since I started the Brotherhood. talk about a kick in the teeth! Not everyone fits in and I dont know why for many reasons if they dont they should not have been pledged in the first place. It hurts like hell if it is something that the person wants and cant get.

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Tom Earp LX Z#1
Pittsburg State U. (Kansas)

[LadyAKA]

I cannot fathom being kicked out thrown out even pushed away from my Sorors or my sorority, with that said I wish you the best. But if you really want to try and make a difference read your bylaws or constitution for your org, you should have one. Don't go quietly, but also remember if you are allowed to stay, you might not have the best experience of the sisterhood anymore. I hope it works out for you!

[KarenC725]

Lost sister- has anything new happened??

[lost sister]

Everything has now been decided. After a very difficult month, the Exec of my chapter has decided to accept my request for alumna status. Going alum was NOT what I wanted to do, but in the end, I wasn't given much of a choice - either go alum & accept the Exec's list of conditions & restriction - essentially spelling out what I am & not allowed to do & attend - or be forced to leave the sorority in bad standing. Great choices, wouldn't you say?! With a very heavy heart, I swallowed my pride & accepted the alum status. This is so hard!! ( What makes this even harder is that I-week begins today, with a meet-the-parents thing. This I-week looks to be the best one yet - with more bonding activities than I've ever seen - unfortunately, I am not allowed to attend much of it. I only have 'permission' to attend one dinner (big sis/little sis), and then the actual ceremony & brunch next Sunday. I am sorry to go on about this, but please understand how difficult this is - I feel so left out!

One thing that I should add - going alumna in & of itself is not the worst thing in the world. I know that I'll now have more time to put into school & other things. However, one thing that I neglected to share is that our Exec, or EC, is comprised of both undergrads AND their alum advisors, who also have a vote. It is a number of the alum advisors, almost all of which are younger than me, were among the most vocal about me being kicked out. That hurts a lot, because now I can't even see myself getting involved with the Junior Alum chapter here (which has members that like me, are still at school), knowing that some of these members are among those that wanted to take my letters away.

So there you have it - I am now an alumna, whether I like it or not. I am so happy that I still have my letters, but that's about all that I'm happy about. I'm not sure what to do next.

Your comments & advice will be welcomed & much appreciated!!

- lost 'alum'

[Trish]

Comment to Neilhart: Don't be a jerk. Life is not about getting even.

Comment to Lost Sister: Sorry about your problems. I have known several frat guys that wouldnt sign a no-drinking pledge "requested" by national and they were made inactive and elgible for alumn status 2 years after grad. In the long run it worked out for them.

The real issue for you is the hurt and rejection you feel because your sisters would do this to you, which is understandable. This is something you will have to assess over time.

From the frat guys I know, they all became active alumns and forgot what happened and why. In your case you will have to decide what you want to do. If you aren't comfortable now, then you don't have to do anything now. You can always become active with the alumns at some point when you feel better about the situation.

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"It's a long long road, it's a big big world, we are wise wise women, we are giggling girls." ~Ani DiFranco~

[This message has been edited by Trish (edited November 14, 2000).]

[Reds695]

I could never fatom this happening to me. But good luck!

[James]

I totally missed that discussion, what a poor girl. I have never heard of a situation that was advocating expulsion that didn't have a personal twinge to it . . . even dissaproval and acts unbecoming tend to be more likely to be labeled on people "that are not in favor" where I have seen "friends" get away with murder in groups. Sad when officers are such low caliber that can't maintain an impartial perspective. Although in their defense they usually are not prepared for dealing with gray area situations or when interpersonal problems get brought up in business situations.

Usually the deciding factor is social acceptance, whoever hangs out and parties the most with the right people is pretty much untouchable.

When I am writing or speaking about it I usually tell people not to let "beer pong politics" run your chapter. A chapter with a bad environment has a lot of decisions made in social situations where cliques hang out and the leaders of the clique might be people with wrong ideas but strong personality.

An extreme example was the first concentration camp commander in Nazi Germany. In order to inspire the necessary brutality in his men he treated them badly, cruely. Fanatically strict discipline, with severe physical and mental punishments. He conditioned them in some ways the way you would an animal. But it was written that he could get away with it because he cultivated a very active social life with them drinking and partying till dawn.

A regular commanding officer they might have just killed, but a commanding officer and friend i.e. drinking partner .. . he could inspire them to murder.

Human psychology is funny. And boringly predictable, yawn.

[lilsnakeyk]

dear lost sister,

may i ask what school you went to?

-lilsnakeyk

[Lots-a-Heart]

Lost Sister ~

I sent you an email about your post. Hope all works out!