When a friend decides on suicide.

damasa · #1 10-17-2001, 01:16 PM

Most of you may pretty much know me as a joker or an an occasional a%$hole on gc..but....from what the subject states...everything in my joking little world has become very serious. So much sh%t has happened to me lately, I do not know what to do.

The latest being one of my best friends killing himself early monday morning. I've had two friends kill themselves since the beginning of the year, but this friend I knew since my early childhood days.
No one knows why he did it and it is too damn frustrating. I've been back and fourth from school to my hometown many times this week ( I only live about 30 minutes away from school) and all my friends are beginning to come back into town from being away at school. They are all coming in to go to the funeral, but it's starting to get really depressing. We all get together and all we do is talk about the good old times. To be honest, I don't want to hear it, it depresses me and makes me feel worse than I already am. I just want my damn friend back. But, I know that this is reality and that can't happen. I try to turn to my fraternity brothers, but for the most part, they claim to help and be there for me, I have yet to see it. I don't think offering me a beer and playing a game of cards is going to help me out in this. I've gone to see a counselor a few times this week, but that hasn't helped me. I can't sit there and listen to someone tell me to think about the good times that I had and spent with my friend. That doesn't work for me, because I would throw all those times away, just to have him back. Yet, again, it's reality. On top of it, I've been to maybe 2 classes this week, and I think my schoolwork is going to suffer quite a bit from this, but I don't know what else to do.

I guess, what I'm asking here, has anyone else ever been in this situation? If so, what did you do to get through it? I know I'll be depressed for quite a while, but I need to get motivated to get back to my everyday life after this week, but I don't know how to do it. I feel alone.

d

G8Ralphaxi · #2 10-17-2001, 01:39 PM

I don't really want to specify the similar circumstances that I experienced, but I might understand how you're feeling...

Realize that IT IS OK to be mad. You are absolutely right, it is sooooo frustrating to hear, "well just think about the good times" because that doesn't change a damn thing. You have lost an old friend unexpectedly and you have every right to be pissed. For me, it helped to do some activities that let me "vent" - running, listening to loud angry music (anything with electric guitars and screaming lyrics works). Kickboxing or just a punching bag are also very therapeutic. You are justifiably under a lot of stress and sometimes expressing it can be helpful.

Also, stay away from people who say stuff like "well they're in a better place now" or "God has them safe now." That always bugged the crap out of me. Great, I'm glad they're safe with the angels and all, but I'm here and I miss them! Don't feel selfish about wanting them here with you. It is extremely hard to equate meeting someone again in the afterlife with hearing their voice right next to you.

Trying to "take your mind off of it" is probably impossible, but sometimes it can be helpful if you do try to TEMPORARILY throw yourself into something else. i.e. "OK, I'm upset, really really upset, but I'm going to not think about this now. I'm going to clean my room/cook dinner/do laundry/scrub the sink/read for class tomorrow/do something for 15 minutes. Then I can think about this again." Then try to do something else for 30 minutes. I don't see this as avoiding the problem, it's just how I can cope with things sometimes.

Best of luck to you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please also realize that it will get easier. Not perfect. It would be BS to try and say that. It will just get easier. Everything is still very fresh and raw right now which is why it's consuming so much energy. You can get through this and you will get through this. Trust in that.

G8Ralphaxi

justamom · #3 10-17-2001, 01:42 PM

When I was a Freshman in college, I lost my dearest guy friend in the world. I can't tell you how I cried and prayed. To this day when I go back to Kansas, I visit his grave because I love him so.
I lost another close guy friend to a hit-and-run and my very dearest girlfriend to cancer at 34. I've never had anyone commit suicide, but loss is loss. Your brothers may not know how to act-most people who haven't experienced it don't know or understand what you are feeling. Most likely, they are afraid and don't know what to do.

I don't know what your belief system is, but if it involves life after death, use that as your strength. I for one believe life is energy and cannot be destroyed. When someone dies, we are reminded of our own mortality. When a close friend dies we grieve what might have been as much as what was. Let yourself express your sadness (I prefered to do it in private). Don't wonder if there was something you could have done or should have seen. The choice had nothing to do with you as a friend. I heard that it helps to write a letter and say everything your feeling. Some people put it in the casket some burn it and others save it in a special place. I did this for my Grandpa and it helped so much.
I am so sorry you are facing all these sad events. I wish I could help you. You will be in my prayers.
I just read what ralph said and the idea about scrubbing-cleaning etc is excellent. It does help to void our mind, even if it's only for short intervals.

kimmykimmy · #4 10-17-2001, 02:02 PM

My heart is breaking for you and your friends and I hope you will be ok. Here is some advice and most of it I have taken and can relate to your situation.

1) Try to be as good to yourself as possible. I know that is easier said than done.

2) Give counseling a chance. Very little progress can be made in only a few sessions. Some people will tell you that after a year they finally begun to sink into therapy.

3) You say your fraternity brothers aren't really helping. I am so sorry to hear that but is there another friend of yours you can lean on? Sometimes it only takes one or two really great friends to get you through a crisis. If not, can you look elsewhere for "better" friends? I don't want to come off cruel with that statement but if your fraternity brothers aren't there for you the way you need them to be, can you look elsewhere?

4) This has helped me a lot. I volunteer and it makes me feel so much better. When my dad was overseas in a war I was beside myself and I volunteered with a military non profit organization. Can you work a hotline for suicide prevention? That might really help you work through this.

5) TRY HARD TO NOT LET YOUR GRADES SLIP. This is the time for you to drop classes if you have to. Talk to your teachers and tell them what is going on.

6) Try being a incredible friend to your current friends. I know you probably are but talk to them. Maybe they are considering suicide. You never know. Sometimes it only takes one conversation, one hug, one wave to change a person's mind. Maybe you will be that one friend who prevented another, God forbid, unnecessary death.

Please hang in there. Seriously, please let us know how you are doing. Please get help if you need it. Please give therapy a longer shot to do you some good. Change therapists if you need to. Please be good to yourself and please talk to your teachers.

Lil_G · #5 10-17-2001, 02:07 PM

Sorry to hear about your loss d, the only advice i can offer is to give it time....don't worry about school or work or anything else, focus on what matters to you. Similar to what ralph said, I like to listen to depressing songs alone in a place where I know I won't be disturbed. I find it puts everything in perspective...

veruca76 · #6 10-17-2001, 02:13 PM

Damasa -
First I want to say how sorry I am for your loss. I know that it's a horrible feeling. Last year a boy I used to work with commited suicide. He also did it on campus so I had to deal with hearing rumors from people who didn't know I knew him. Although he wasn't a close friend we did work together for a year and even went out a couple of times. The mix of emotions you feel is incredibly strange - ranging from anger at how could he do this to us, to extreme sadness, to just complete and utter disbelief.
The worst part of it was that I guess he did it because he felt unloved, alone and was way too deeply critical of himself. However, so many people turned out for his memorial and said such nice things that you realized that there was a lot of love for him out there that he apparently never realized.
All you can do now is give yourself time to heal and surround yourself with those that mean the most to you. Try to remember the happy times and don't let the tragic end re-paint all of your memories. I found that to be a big problem for me - letting his death overshadow his life. Also - everyone please remember to cherish your friends and make sure they know how much you care!!! It could really make a difference.

SigmaChiCard · #7 10-17-2001, 02:28 PM

I lost my 16 year old cousin to suicide last christmas holiday, as shitty as it sounds, I did everything in my being to stay otherwise active, bascially I keep shit in, and don't really talk about how I'm feeling ever...you may be different, but by keeping active it kept my mind off of it, so it came in smaller portions for what might prove to be a little more extended period, but less abusive and/or destructive. I obviously don't know you're buddy, but consider that he wouldn't want you mourning over him, and stopping your homework and what-have-you. It's hard to do, it's real f---ing hard, but it must be done. I had to do it also when my most dear uncle died on Christmas day last year...still deal with that every day, but I survive, and stay strong....find your stronghold.

Dejajeva · #8 10-17-2001, 03:11 PM

"The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for."
-Allan K. Chalmers

Love ya, Blaine.

Always,
Jessica

KABillyMac · #9 10-17-2001, 03:34 PM

I lost my mom last August to a sudden heart attack. It was so out of the blue. She was perfectly healthy. I never talk about it. I still havent come to the reality of it all yet.

Take time to grieve, enjoy the time you have with the friends you have left.

I will remember you and his family in my prayers.

SigmaChiCard · #10 10-17-2001, 03:36 PM

though even different still, one of my really good friends lost his grandmother yesterday, so pray for his family, if you will.

dzrose93 · #11 10-17-2001, 03:39 PM

Damasa,

My roommate committed suicide in January, so please know that I completely understand what you're going through.

He didn't leave a note and I had no idea that anything was wrong. He was working on his computer (he worked out of our apartment) that Friday when I got home from work and seemed normal. In fact, he'd just made a $5000 sale the day before and was so excited about it! I congratulated him, but didn't pay a whole lot of attention because I was trying to hurry up and get ready for a dinner date with one of my best friends. When I left that night, he was still at the computer, drinking a beer, and seemed FINE.

Thinking back I know that, sure, he had things on his mind. His parents just got a divorce and his dad was getting remarried already. I know that was bothering him, and I also know he was very worried about a review that he had coming up with his boss later that month because he didn't feel prepared for it. I also know that he had a drinking problem and that alcoholism ran in his family. We'd talked about his drinking several times and how he needed to watch himself and slow down some. Even with all this, never in a million years would I have categorized him as being suicidal. I found out later that the people who are contemplating suicide usually never talk about it, or give any signs that they are considering it.

At any rate, having to deal with his death has been extremely tough. I moved back in with my parents for 3 months because I couldn't stay at the apartment knowing that he died there, plus I had a very difficult time staying by myself - even if my parents were just going out to dinner, I would go to my aunt's house until they returned.

I also had a hard time sleeping for a while, and had to get a prescription to help. I missed a week of work and visited a therapist once who was semi-helpful. But, basically, after all that, I learned that I would have to get through everything in my own way.

Let me warn you that it will take some time. I still have trouble sleeping some nights, but it is slowly getting better. I was able to move into my own place, by myself, in April and usually do fine being there alone.

I find that I do better if I don't think about my roommate at all, but you may be completely different. People handle things differently, so what works for me may not work for you. However, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk anymore. I'll be more than glad to listen.

Thinking of you,
Carrie

Tom Earp · #12 10-17-2001, 05:06 PM

damasa, there are not enuff words to express the sorrow that we who are left behind can tell anyone what to do!

I have seen so much death in my life and I weep alot for my Mother and my friends who have gone on. How many times I have come to death are many in my 59 years and i mourn for each and every one of them!

We can only go on with life as hard as it may be. I know While you can count on one hand the closest friends , every person you meet and greet has become a friend! Remember in that case, you have a mulitude of Friends including all of the GCers as beleive it or not, we are a small family!!! Just as your blood relatives and your Greek Brothers and Sisters are your family!!!!!

Time does eventually heal the wounds, never, never forget those who have left us!!!!!!!!!!!!

veruca76 · #13 10-17-2001, 05:26 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Tom Earp
damasa, there are not enuff words to express the sorrow that we who are left behind can tell anyone what to do!

I have seen so much death in my life and I weep alot for my Mother and my friends who have gone on. How many times I have come to death are many in my 59 years and i mourn for each and every one of them!

We can only go on with life as hard as it may be. I know While you can count on one hand the closest friends , every person you meet and greet has become a friend! Remember in that case, you have a mulitude of Friends including all of the GCers as beleive it or not, we are a small family!!! Just as your blood relatives and your Greek Brothers and Sisters are your family!!!!!

Time does eventually heal the wounds, never, never forget those who have left us!!!!!!!!!!!!

A sober post from the Earp man!!

Seriously though - that was lovely Tom and I thank you for it.

G8Ralphaxi · #14 10-17-2001, 07:50 PM

ummm...not that it's all that important or anything...but my name's not Ralph.

My screen name "G8Ralphaxi" is "G8R" or "gator" because I go to UF, and "alphaxi" because I'm a sister of Alpha Xi Delta.

I don't feel like posting my real name on here, but it's not Ralph.

Hugs to you all,

G8Ralphaxi

aephi alum · #15 10-17-2001, 09:10 PM

damasa, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I once had to talk someone out of committing suicide. Thankfully, I was successful... but although I can't fully know the pain you're going through, I have some idea of it.

Take care of yourself. Talk to someone... counselor, friend, clergy member, family member, whatever. Drop a class if doing so will help you concentrate on your remaining classes. Take the time you need to heal.

Take care