Reasons why a crow will kick your a$$

[damasa]

This little thread is inspired by an encounter I had with a crow yesterday evening while I was walking to my Managerial Economics final. He was sitting on a wall that is a little taller than I am and it was perched up there like a hawk searching for its prey. The reason I noticed it was because when I was walking by it, I realized that I was only a few feet away from the thing and it didn't fly away, it barely even nudged. So this puzzled me a little and I thought to walk passed it again, getting a little closer this time. Much to my surprise, the crow sat there ever still. This puzzled me further and I knew that I had to continue in this adventure so i decided to walk passed this bird yet again but getting closer still. While I was walking passed I thought to flinch at the bird like I was going to smash it like a blade of grass between my hands. While doing this, the crow decided to turn around, prop his/her ass towards me, spread his/her wings just a little and started to make a god awful sound. For a second I was somewhat frazzled because I didn't know if it was about to attack me or if it was about to fly away. I backed off just a little and it put down the wings and turned back around to face me, still sitting there on the wall, very still on the wall.

At this point the crow won't take his/her eyes off of me, everytime I move, the bird's head moves with me, in a somewhat frightening kind of way.

(now picture a damasa egging this crow on as If he might be a five-year-old boy with nothing better to do, I mean, it's not like he had a final he had to be at or anything.)

After the awkward looks the crow kept giving me, I decided to go with plan B of the attack. What plan B is, well, all I really did was pull out my bag of Gardetto's that I had recently purchased in the Ag and Urban Planning building. I pull out my freshly opened bag of Gardetto's and begin chucking the rye bread thingies at this crow in hopes that I will budge him from the spot on the wall. Yet the crow was still. Instead of the crow flying off and being scared of my Gardetto's flying at it, the thing decides to start eating my Gardetto's that are scattered about below.

This little "crow taunt" enrages me further and I have no choice but to charge the bird as if I am going to judo slam it to the ground and pounce it with the strength of a thousand tigers. As I reach the wall the crow becomes airborne and I rejoice! YET, the crow doesn't fly away, he simply flys back and fourth around me and around the spot on the wall making very awkward crow sounds. At this point I become frightened and realize that it just may get me. "Plop, oh what was that?" "CROW SHIT"

Ok, the crow shits at me and now it's getting serious. I run through a few thoughts and decide to retreat for two reasons. 1. I retreat in fear that this flying crow is going to attack my face and pluck my eyeballs from my head and 2. I retreat in fear that this crazy crow is going to plop crow shit all over my head if I don't bail a.s.a.p.


So, after reading this little defeat of damasa's you might ask yourself, "well, what the hell are the reasons that a crow will kick my ass?"

a. The crow owns you and the spot it is sitting at, if you know it or not, those are grounds enough to kick your ass.

b. Even if you get too close the crow may leave but it will be back because as stated in part a, it owns you and that spot. If you invade that space, the crow is liable to kick your ass.

c. You can flinch at a crow and pretend you are going to grab it and squash it like a grape on the concrete, but the crow really knows that you are a slow weak human, too slow for the likes of the "wing." This is a mockery of the human, and that is basis enough for the crow to kick your ass.

d. You can throw little food things at a crow to try to make it abandon the spot it sits at. More than likely, the crow will just eat your little food things and basically taunt you in a crow taunting kind of way. If it wanted to, I'm sure it could kick your ass after that as well.

e. You can try to run at a crow like a crazy mofo when all other options fail. You may think that you won at first, but when the crow begins to poop you have lost. When the crow begins to give you the eyeball plucking look, you have lost double. The crow will kick your ass with the poop, and the crow will kick your ass with the eyeball plucking look. AND, that doesn't go to say that the crow will seriously kick your ass if it did get the chance to pluck your eyeballs from your head.