How do I support my man when he pledges?

ILoveMyMan · #1 02-27-2001, 06:11 PM

I love my man with all my heart and feel that he is my soulmate. He is pledging Alpha Phi Alpha and is about to go online. I am not Greek and need to know what to expect this process to be like for us and our relationship. Already I am having a hard time with it (its hard not to get upset when we're cuddling together about to go to bed and he gets a call and has to leave), but i try to understand. However I need help in knowing what to do and how to feel when this happens, since from what I hear, it's about to get a lot worse. I love my man and will be there for him through this, but I also need him to be there for me through this. He said himself that he doesn't have any idea of what this is like for me, so he doesn't know how to help me. Any advice for both of us??

Finer Woman10-A-91 · #2 02-27-2001, 08:17 PM

:shaking head:
This is another one of those subjects I am afraid to tell you, but you probably will not get much feedback.

However, I am going to take a stab at your situation in the most generic way possible (I hate to see fellow sisters struggling through relationship issues)

I hope you are good friends with your boyfriend. Just remember this one is NOT about you. So if you have high maintenance tendencies, well...now would be a good time to work on really building your self esteem.

Quote:

Originally posted by ILoveMyMan:
I love my man with all my heart and feel that he is my soulmate. He is pledging Alpha Phi Alpha and is about to go online. I am not Greek and need to know what to expect this process to be like for us and our relationship. Already I am having a hard time with it (its hard not to get upset when we're cuddling together about to go to bed and he gets a call and has to leave), but i try to understand. However I need help in knowing what to do and how to feel when this happens, since from what I hear, it's about to get a lot worse. I love my man and will be there for him through this, but I also need him to be there for me through this. He said himself that he doesn't have any idea of what this is like for me, so he doesn't know how to help me. Any advice for both of us??

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Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Incorporated...Every Finer Woman's Dream!

[This message has been edited by Finer Woman10-A-91 (edited February 27, 2001).]

NUPE4LIFE · #3 02-27-2001, 08:30 PM

Well you're gonna get a response from me. First of all you messed up when you out right stated that your boyfriend was pledging APHIA. What kind of girlfriend are you to post your boyfriend's business on the web? I'm sure your boyfriend has told you how discreet he has to be in his pursuit for membership. Second, this is his process not yours. It's not your business what goes in his process. You should never ask questions, just be there for him. As a fellow greek, there are things that we don't and can't share even with our relatives and significant others. Let me ask you a question. Do you really love and care about him? If the answers is yes, just be there for him. Don't ask questions. This is a journey that he's decided to embark on. One filled with both ups and downs. This was a very important decision that he made. Are you a member of even a non-greek organization on your campus? It might help if you also get involved in something. Pledging isn't forever. Just bear with him, and things will work out. Again I must repeat, NEVER QUESTION JUST BE THERE FOR HIM.

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KAPPA ALPHA PSI FRATERNITY, INC.
SPR 97
XI LAMBDA

[This message has been edited by NUPE4LIFE (edited February 27, 2001).]

33girl · #4 02-27-2001, 09:25 PM

Just be there for him, be understanding about the time commitments and sometimes crazy schedules, and don't ask a lot of questions he can't answer. It's not personal if he doesn't tell you something, so don't be upset - basically, just avoid asking too many questions so he doesn't have to shut that door in your face.

The parts of his organization that are for public consumption, when the time is right, he will be proud to share, and MOST proud to share with the woman he loves (that's you!

)

The times he is away from you, spend time working on YOU. He is doing something positive for himself and for others - time for you to do the same!

AlphaChiGirl · #5 02-28-2001, 02:24 AM

We must remember that ILoveMyMan may not be familiar with the protocol of certain Greek organizations.

Some relationships survive a pledging experience, some don't. It all depends on the maturity level of both partners, the independent as well as the potential new member. It's not "high-maintenance tendencies" or "self-esteem". A lot of people are immature and can't handle their significant other going through a process that requires secrecy (especially if there is normally a lot of open communication in the relationship) and often results in increased attention from the opposite sex.

So, ILoveMyMan, the best of luck. It may be hard, but if you two are meant to be, it will work out for the best. I'd say the best thing to do is to be there for him, and the rewards will be well worth the sacrifices.

gphi2k · #6 02-28-2001, 11:19 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by NUPE4LIFE:
Well you're gonna get a response from me. First of all you messed up when you out right stated that your boyfriend was pledging APHIA. What kind of girlfriend are you to post your boyfriend's business on the web? I'm sure your boyfriend has told you how discreet he has to be in his pursuit for membership. Second, this is his process not yours. It's not your business what goes in his process. You should never ask questions, just be there for him. As a fellow greek, there are things that we don't and can't share even with our relatives and significant others. Let me ask you a question. Do you really love and care about him? If the answers is yes, just be there for him. Don't ask questions. This is a journey that he's decided to embark on. One filled with both ups and downs. This was a very important decision that he made. Are you a member of even a non-greek organization on your campus? It might help if you also get involved in something. Pledging isn't forever. Just bear with him, and things will work out. Again I must repeat, NEVER QUESTION JUST BE THERE FOR HIM.

In an attempt to be as not-negative as possible....I understand your (nupe4life) attempt to instill in this girl that she has to understand that there are things she simply can not know. But given that she is already apprehensive about the process, your response was a bit more intense than was necessary. She's a concerned girlfriend. She's not greek and she doesn't understand the process. She just wants to know if it will threaten her relationship. Jumping on her and telling her 6 times in one message to not ask questions is only going to make her paranoia worse.
I don't think it's an issue of the maturity level of her and/or her boyfriend. I think that some people, girls or guys, make the frat their life and have no time for a significant other. This isn't about maturity, it's about priorities, and priorities change, especially in University. That's not to say that in this sitatuation that will happen. You're just gonig to have to play it by ear. It sucks, but it's just the way things have to be.
But Greeks, refrain from lecturing this girl like she did something bad. Don't call her a bad girlfriend. Who are you to say that? She has fears, and given what I've seen happen to people in relationships after one went Greek, her fears aren't totally unfounded. She didn't post anything about his life. She said what frat he's in. I've said what soror my friends are in in posts, that doesn't make me a bad friend. Give constructive advice or don't respond because you're not doing anyone any good by jumping on a non-greek for saying things they were unaware were taboo (in your opinion) to discuss.

Leslie

DELTABRAT · #7 02-28-2001, 04:46 PM

I wonder if I Love My Man is even a college student at all.

Only reason is because I tend to agree with N4L as it pertains to getting involved in her own social/professional life via pursuing membership in organizations.

I think there is an assumption on BGLO members' behalf that she is PROBABLY in college also. However, based on the fact that she doesn't even know BASIC protocol (despite what ALphaChi and gphi2k have said about not knowing, that is BASIC)I would wonder if she were even a college student.

gphi: There is a big difference in saying "My boyfrind is an Alpha" (discretion is not necessary) and "My boyfriend is pledging a frat." (discretion is NECESSARY). As all know, pledging is ILLEGAL. So going further and saying that her man has to wake up in the middle of the night JUST when they are about to get cozy even puts Alphas business out there even more. So her lack of discretion is of importance here and calling her on it is NECESSARY. So as far as BGLO information is concerned, she did tell us about his "life" she basically said that he was pledging.

Further, I think N4L's advice was good advice.

I see everyone telling her, as I am, to hang in there. It won't be easy because she doesn't have a frame of reference from which to draw. He WON"T be able to tell her information about his process and it is natural to want to know, but that is simply something that she cannot know, nor shoud she know. At the same time if not knowing is what will make her bail, then that's her issue. She just couldn't hang. What I mean is that if after he pledges, he changes (which some do) and therefore, the relationship changes, then that's one reason to bail. But if frustration about knowing secrets, etc is what drives her away, then that is something she has to contend with.

I am sorry to say, but after he pledges, his priorities probably will shift a bit. He will be on fire about being in the Frat and most likely will spend a great deal of time tending to frat business. Again, I suggest getting involved in your own personal life. Spend more time with friends and family (sounds like yeah whatever), but I know as women, we tend to put our boyfriends FIRST and foremost and feel shunned when they don't do the same. That's why I say get into yourself more and your other relationships.

Good luck.

[This message has been edited by DELTABRAT (edited February 28, 2001).]

[This message has been edited by DELTABRAT (edited February 28, 2001).]

Corbin Dallas · #8 02-28-2001, 04:51 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by DELTABRAT:
gphi: There is a big difference in saying "My boyfrind is an ALpha" (discretion is not necessary) and "My boyfriend is pledging a frat." (discretion is NECESSARY). As all know, pledging is ILLEGAL. So going further and saying that her man has to wake up in the middle of the night JUST when they are about to get cozy even puts Alphas business out there even more.

Ok, I understand the issue with that now. Good point. Would it have been a problem if she said he was going through the Alpha process and left it at that?? Thanks.

------------------
Steve Corbin
Lambda Chi Alpha
Theta Kappa Chapter
Rose-Hulman Inst. of Tech.

ManndingoNUPE · #9 02-28-2001, 05:02 PM

I agree with N4L. Regardless of what you think about his tone, he was right. There is a right and a wrong way to approach this, and you don't get on-line and tell your man's buisness. The only different thing that I would have said was that "Pledging" which as we all know is illegal, is a not a short term thing, but a life long thing.

ILOVE MY Man,

Just know that if he is your soul-mate, you two will make it. But you will have to learn that there will always be a side of him that is off limits. He can't, shouldn't, won't share things with you.

I hope that your relationship can sustain this. I had one that couldn't. Even though I did share with her that we were doing great things in our community and I shared all of the positive things that I could with her, she was always non-supportive of my fraternity activities. I would see a brother out somewhere in public and speake to him, and she would flip sometimes. Just becuase I would take a few moments to talk to a brother whom I had never met. When you join a frat or Sor., your significan other needs to know that the org comes along with the deal.

Just my 10 cents.

MN

DELTABRAT · #10 02-28-2001, 05:07 PM

Corbin:

Umm...

Yes it would have been a TAD it more discretionary. I think that she shouldn't have mentioned what Frat at all. Additionally, my point was that she went into semi-detail about how he has to get up when they are about to start to cuddle and stuff. That was a bit TMI any way you slice it. Because if she said "My boyfriend is going through the process" and then goes on to say he has to get up in the middle of the night when the phone rings is the same thing.

Corbin Dallas · #11 02-28-2001, 05:31 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by DELTABRAT:
... Because if she said "My boyfriend is going through the process" and then goes on to say he has to get up in the middle of the night when the phone rings is the same thing.

right, but what i meant by leave it at that was to say he was going through the process, and not give any specifics, esp. about getting up in the middle of the night.

like if i was pledging a frat. that remotely hazed (according to the law, not what people think) i wouldn't say stuff like, we have to clean the house, or we have to go over there in the middle of the night, or even we have to stay there, because even that is hazing, making them do something, not merely asking them or encouraging them to do it.

------------------
Steve Corbin
Lambda Chi Alpha
Theta Kappa Chapter
Rose-Hulman Inst. of Tech.

AXO Alum · #12 02-28-2001, 05:51 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by DELTABRAT:
Corbin:

Umm...

Yes it would have been a TAD it more discretionary. I think that she shouldn't have mentioned what Frat at all. Additionally, my point was that she went into semi-detail about how he has to get up when they are about to start to cuddle and stuff. That was a bit TMI any way you slice it. Because if she said "My boyfriend is going through the process" and then goes on to say he has to get up in the middle of the night when the phone rings is the same thing.

But -- as previously mentioned on another thread -- could this be more than meets the eye? If I had something negative going on with, will just use for example, the Alpha Betas -- then I could come on to GC -- log in as whomever, and post:

My boyfriend is pledging Alpha Beta -- just when we start to cuddle at midnight, he gets a call from someone telling him to meet them at the belltower across campus and to bring a lot of money. I know it will be tough for us to be together during this, but I don't want him coming home with tatoo's and smelling of cigarettes and alcohol.

See what I mean -- maybe she has a bone to pick with the Alpha's and is just using this as an outlet. I seriously don't think that any real greek chatter doesn't know any better than this. I think we've all been around enough to know how to start trouble if we want to.

gphi2k · #13 02-28-2001, 05:59 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by AXO Alum:
But -- as previously mentioned on another thread -- could this be more than meets the eye?

You're a cynic like me!!! I always sense something is amiss, shall we say, with threads like this. There are people at my school who make it their responsibilty to tear down all greek posters and signs they see on campus. Just because they are against the system. I guarantee you there are people out there who have nothing better to do than start heated threads on this site for the same reason.
All of these threads are started by people who have suprisingly few previous posts, if any. Is it just a coincidence? Maybe these people get so angered they come on greek chat and introduce themselves by starting a controversial thread? I dunno. I'm with you...I wouldnt' be suprised if there are people who come on Greek Chat just to start threads like 'hazing is good.' Because, if you all take time and look closely, the people who start these threads, rarely if ever, post a response to those who respond to their thread. Food for thought.

Leslie

DELTABRAT · #14 02-28-2001, 07:17 PM

That's a good point. I wasn't thinking that the person could be just trying to start some mess.

Hmmmm...

Considering the fact that they never posted to defend themselves or say anything else for that matter.

Serenity · #15 02-28-2001, 08:30 PM

Quote:

My boyfriend is pledging Alpha Beta -- just when we start to cuddle at midnight, he gets a call from someone telling him to meet them at the belltower across campus and to bring a lot of money. I know it will be tough for us to be together during this, but I don't want him coming home with tatoo's and smelling of cigarettes and alcohol.

LOL! That was just too funny, AXO Alum.