lonely and depressed...

[sairose]

I know this is so stupid to be posting my personal feelings here, but I just have held things in for too long.

And this is sooo corny, so I'm sorry. Please don't think I'm stupid.

It's just that it gets so lonely. I mean I've been single for 3 years and in this time have not dated anyone. In fact I've only been on one date in my entire life, and that's because I asked the guy. (The guy I went out with never took me out). I'm now 20, close to 21, this will be my fourth year in college, and I'm still alone.

And I know I'm not the only one not dating anyone. But it's so hard right now. Out of my original 3 friends I made at the beginning of my freshman year, 2 just got married and the other is engaged. Several other friends are getting married or are in serious relationships. I've gone to 2 weddings this summer and another one is tomorrow. It's not that I want to be married yet...because I don't...it's just that i wish I had someone in my life. Or at least a date...I've always wondered what it would be like to be asked out, and taken on a date. I've never had that.

I get so sad when I'm out with my friends/sisters and they talk about their boyfriends. And I get sad when I go to the movies with my friends and there's all these couples there and it reminds me how no one has ever taken me out.

There's been so many guys I have liked. One turned out to be gay, which absolutely crushed me. The others, if they found out I liked them, gave me the "I just see you as a friend" speech. One of my closest guy friends I have liked since I met him a year ago, but I'm not going to let him know that. What's the point?

And right now this whole stupid post sounds like a teenybopper writing into Seventeen magazine for help. So I'm sorry. But I'm really hurting. I don't understand...I have a LOT of friends and a full social calendar. I don't consider myself ugly. I am not shy (although I have a hard time letting feelings show towards guys). I am active in my sorority and in several performing ensembles.

I feel like I was meant to be alone. I feel like guys don't like me, and don't want me. I feel like I can't be seen as date material, but only as a friend. I've not talked to my friends about all this because they've all got boyfriends and a few are married, so how can they relate? Plus, when they're so happy, why depress them with my sob story? I've felt so alone in this and have fought back tears and put on a fake smile for too long.

Is it stupid of me to feel this way? I just feel totally lost.