Cutting the umbilical cord

[DaemonSeid]

How old were you when you left home?

What was probably one of the biggest challenges that you had when living on your own? Juggling school and work? paying bills? room mates?

How has the experience made you feel thus far? What would you change about it?

What advice would you give to a parent faced with the prospect of a child that has to leave the nest?

Under what circumstances would you let your child return home or you would give them help?

Which do you think is harder to cope with: a daughter learning to live on her own or a son facing the same thing?

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

How old were you when you left home? 18 when I went to college.
What was probably one of the biggest challenges that you had when living on your own? Juggling school and work? paying bills? room mates?

I was too elated to feel challenged. Work and school were great experiences even when I fell short of being able to balance it all.

Plus, my family was always supportive and not too far away should tragic strike.

What advice would you give to a parent faced with the prospect of a child that has to leave the nest?

Prepare them for it and be there to support them along the way. Meanwhile tell them that they have to learn decision making and planning without always falling back on the family.

Parents who try to keep their kids at home after 18 are setting their offspring and the family up for a lifetime of co-dependency.

Under what circumstances would you let your child return home or you would give them help?

Give them help as long as they are being productive. A college or grad student who is broke for a reason and needs help with a couple of car notes is no biggie. Now, a lazy arse heathen child who is unproductive and is waiting for a handout will get the GAS FACE but then I'd also have to wonder what went wrong on my end.

They can return home for a short transition. Nothing longterm.

Which do you think is harder to cope with: a daughter learning to live on her own or a son facing the same thing?

It should be the same if you raise your children right and without that bullcrap gendered double standard of behavior and living.

[skylark]

I don't think that most young adults and parents cut the umbilical cord all at once anymore -- and I think it is a good thing. I think most of us move out, back in, and move out again several times before you're truly independent. I think that in this day and age, that type of comfortable transition is beneficial both psychologically and financially. If kids don't feel like they can come home and save on some rent for a temporary hiatus as they are trying to get established and don't have much income, they are more apt to rack up credit card debt or other bad debt to get where they need to or they might just stay in that dead-end job that pays the rent instead of taking a necessary risk. I think that as long as parents know the difference between these circumstances and indefinite mooching, there isn't that much of a downside.

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by skylark

I don't think that most young adults and parents cut the umbilical cord all at once anymore -- and I think it is a good thing. I think most of us move out, back in, and move out again several times before you're truly independent. I think that in this day and age, that type of comfortable transition is beneficial both psychologically and financially. If kids don't feel like they can come home and save on some rent for a temporary hiatus as they are trying to get established and don't have much income, they are more apt to rack up credit card debt or other bad debt to get where they need to or they might just stay in that dead-end job that pays the rent instead of taking a necessary risk. I think that as long as parents know the difference between these circumstances and indefinite mooching, there isn't that much of a downside.

I guess for me...the reason why I never went back even tho I was granted several opportunities was to show my parents that I had grown up and that yes, I was willing to fall down in order to stand tall and not depend on them so much and to show that I appreciate the fact that they are there...but also listen to what they told me as a teen...that it won't be this way forever so learn now so that way when that time comes, I can better cope with it.

I love my 'rents to death...but I enjoy living on my own!

Hahahaha!

[DSTCHAOS]

I only moved back in for a couple of summer breaks during college.

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

I only moved back in for a couple of summer breaks during college.

I went back home once during winter break...that was it.

[summer_gphib]

How old were you when you left home?
I was 18, but I still came home every weekend, and mommy did my laundry. *lol* A lot of my college friends were from the same area, and they always ended up at my house all weekend long. BF went to a different college and we would meet home every weekend. :-) That was all until my junior year when I got my own place.

What was probably one of the biggest challenges that you had when living on your own? Juggling school and work? paying bills? room mates?
I loved living on my own... as long as I was in college my parents gave me a living allowence to cover rent/utilities/food, and I worked on and off for other things.


How has the experience made you feel thus far? What would you change about it?
I learned to be independent. I am so glad that I spent 3 years living all alone in my own apartment. It helped me learn how to be a grown up. I lived alone until I got engaged and then married. :-) And I LOVED it. I did what the hell I wanted when the hell I wanted, with who the hell I wanted. *LOL*

What advice would you give to a parent faced with the prospect of a child that has to leave the nest?
Give help, but step back and let him or her live their own lives. My parents deposited money in my acct. each month, but I had to pay the bills and not blow it. And only one time did I come to them and ask them for more money (the bank had screwed up my acct. and then in an attempt to fix it, they froze my acct, and then all the checks I had written bounced-- but the bank ended up reimbursing me for the fees.)

Under what circumstances would you let your child return home or you would give them help? Divorce, death of a spouse. Otherwise once you're out, you're out!

Which do you think is harder to cope with: a daughter learning to live on her own or a son facing the same thing?
I think it's equal. :-)

[ktbug10474]

How old were you when you left home? 18

What was probably one of the biggest challenges that you had when living on your own? Juggling school and work? paying bills? room mates? juggling school and work & roommates because all 3 of my roommates had grown up together in a small (i.e. one stoplight on the main drag) north GA town

How has the experience made you feel thus far? What would you change about it? i def. like college better than high school and i wouldn't change anything about it because you learn from how you lived your life etc... and i wouldn't want to change that because then i wouldn't be the person who i am today

What advice would you give to a parent faced with the prospect of a child that has to leave the nest? what people said before ... keep the "umbilical cord" attached (giving a monthly living allowance) but other than that let your kid live their own life and make their own decisions good or bad

Under what circumstances would you let your child return home or you would give them help? well school breaks obviously, if they had car troubles, but other than that .. you're on your own .. everybody has to grow up at some point

Which do you think is harder to cope with: a daughter learning to live on her own or a son facing the same thing? probably a daughter because of all the double standards that exist in today's world that favor guys

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

How old were you when you left home?

I moved out for college at 17, but still came home periodically on weekends and spent summers at home. I actually didn't move out for good until I got accepted to grad school in July. I was 22. All throughout undergrad I had a full scholarship which included room and board. I wasn't going to move out and PAY when I could live on campus for free.

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

What was probably one of the biggest challenges that you had when living on your own? Juggling school and work? paying bills? room mates?

I haven't really had any challenges. I live in a one bedroom apartment so I don't have to deal with roomates. That was one reason why I waited to move out. I wanted to be able to afford to live by myself since I know I like my privacy.

I will admit that I hate having to buy my own groceries and cook.

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

How has the experience made you feel thus far? What would you change about it?

I enjoy living independently. There's nothing I would change.

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

What advice would you give to a parent faced with the prospect of a child that has to leave the nest?

Let them go, but also let them know that if they REALLY need help with something that they can still call you. Don't call them 24/7 or stop by all the time.

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

Under what circumstances would you let your child return home or you would give them help?

It depends. If it were either they come home to live with me or they go out onto the street and become homeless, I would let them come live with me for a limited time as long as they got a job immediately and started saving to move out again. If my child were in some sort of danger, I would let them move home. If possible, I would prefer to just help them to stay on their feet so they can live independently.

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

Which do you think is harder to cope with: a daughter learning to live on her own or a son facing the same thing?

It's probably more difficult for a parent to let their daughter move out on her own, because women are viewed as more fragile and vulnerable than men.

[SOPi_Jawbreaker]

How old were you when you left home? I went off to college at 18 but I still came home for all the breaks (summer, winter, spring, Thanksgiving). I was kinda spoiled in that I didn't have to work during college. My parents gave me money for rent, utilities, groceries, etc. It wasn't until graduating and getting my first post-college job that I felt like I was truly living on my own (paying my own rent, utilities, groceries, etc.).

What was probably one of the biggest challenges that you had when living on your own? Juggling school and work? paying bills? room mates? Since I'm still kinda starting out in the working world, I've been working temporary/contract positions. Both jobs I've had so far were ended earlier than expected (because of restructuring/decrease business need). I had a really tough time finding my first job out of college. And when that job ended, I was really panicky about being able to find a new job and about having bills to pay and not having money coming in. It took about a month of job searching and interviews with 5 companies before I got an offer. I took that first offer (pay wasn't great and the work wasn't quite what I wanted to be doing but the benefits were good), but sometimes I think I should have passed on that offer and waited to see if I could find something better. This second time around, I'm more confident in myself and more confident that if I pass on an opportunity that doesn't meet what I'm looking for that I will, with a little patience, find a position that fits me. So I think one of my biggest challenges has been knowing my self-worth and believing in my self-worth.

How has the experience made you feel thus far? What would you change about it? I don't think I would change anything. I feel like everything that happens/has happened in my life helps shape me and helps me grow. I'm lucky that I'm able to live on my own but also have family and friends nearby when I need them, like when my car breaks down.

What advice would you give to a parent faced with the prospect of a child that has to leave the nest? It may be hard to watch your child make choices that you think are a mistake, but you have to let them live their lives. You can arm them with knowledge, wisdom, advice, etc. But ultimately, you have to let them make their own choices. Maybe they might actually surprise you by knowing what's right for their own lives. Maybe not. And if not, you just have to try to be there for them. But sheltering them from the world and trying to choreograph their entire lives isn't going to protect them. It's just going to do them harm in the end.

Under what circumstances would you let your child return home or you would give them help? I would let my future child return home for school breaks and to save money post-graduation, if he/she has a job and has a reasonable timeframe for moving out and is able to stick to that timeframe.

Which do you think is harder to cope with: a daughter learning to live on her own or a son facing the same thing? I think it would be harder with a daughter. I know it's a double standard but I think I would fear more for a daughter's safety than a son's safety. But maybe that will change when I actually have kids. Who knows? Maybe I'll end up having a daughter who's physically tougher and stronger than her brother and more capable to taking care of herself (like being able to fix cars and being able to fix stuff around the house).

[cheerfulgreek]

I was 24 which was just recently, but I still go back whenever I can.

[christiangirl]

How old were you when you left home? I left at 17, but I continued coming home for breaks. Now, at 22, I do have my own apartment that I pay rent for, so I don't consider my parents house to be my home, but I'm still going there for 6 weeks this summer because I miss them and might not be home for Christmas.

What was probably one of the biggest challenges that you had when living on your own? Juggling school and work? paying bills? room mates? There was no one to take care of me when I got sick. And rent is a beast.

How has the experience made you feel thus far? What would you change about it? I feel independent and would never live at home again, but I still miss my mother terribly. We talk several times a day to make up for not living together, but I'd never move back in if I could help it.

What advice would you give to a parent faced with the prospect of a child that has to leave the nest? Don't count on them coming back, but be prepared in case they do.

Under what circumstances would you let your child return home or you would give them help?Let's face it, the world is harsh and finances are rarely ever stable. Your child may not be able to find a job that'll pay all the bills at first and may bounce back and forth between their own place and yours before they get settled. You can either float them money or let them mooch off your rent and groceries--the latter is probably cheaper.

Which do you think is harder to cope with: a daughter learning to live on her own or a son facing the same thing? Depends--was the daughter brought up to be just as strong as a boy or was she pampered to the point where she's used to being taken care of? That'll make all the difference. My parents gave me everything and I rarely ever had to work for what I got, but they made sure I knew there'd come a time where it wouldn't be like that anymore. As a result, I do miss getting everything I want, but I know how to prioritize and make sure rent and bills are covered first. There's not much left over after that, so treats are minimal, but that's okay with me. Plus, my dad made sure I knew how to change my oil or a flat tire, balance a checkbook, fix the garbage disposal and everything else so I wouldn't need a man to do it for me.

[AGDee]

How old were you when you left home? Although I went away to college at 18, I still had most of my stuff at my parents house and don't think I really "left home" until I got a job and moved out to my own apartment, fully supporting myself, which was at 22.

What was probably one of the biggest challenges that you had when living on your own? Juggling school and work? paying bills? room mates?When I first lived on my own, none at all. It was great and I loved my independence. I was making good money and was able to pay the bills. I didn't have any challenges until I married an abusive jerk. Then things got tough.

How has the experience made you feel thus far? What would you change about it?Well, since it's been 21 years since I graduated from college.. I'm feeling pretty good about it all. I wouldn't really change anything except some financial mistakes that I made while married to each of my ex-husbands. I will never again combine my finances with someone else and lose control of my own money.

What advice would you give to a parent faced with the prospect of a child that has to leave the nest?I'll be facing this all too soon since I have a 14 year old daughter. I know how fast the next 4 years will go and then she will go away to college. I've already got things planned for myself once both my son (12) and daughter go away to school. I'd like to take a position of even more responsibility with Alpha Gamma Delta at that time, when I am less tied down and can devote more time to it. I also plan to travel a lot more.

Under what circumstances would you let your child return home or you would give them help?If they are really trying to make it on their own and not acting irresponsibly, I will help them stay on their feet. Should one of my kids need help getting out of an abusive marriage or something like that, I would definitely help. I don't know that "help" would be in the way of having either child move in. I think that if they return home after college, they need to pay rent. They aren't going to freeload

Which do you think is harder to cope with: a daughter learning to live on her own or a son facing the same thing?While I will miss my daughter a lot, because she and I are really close and enjoy each other's company a lot, I know that she will be successful at whatever she puts her mind to. She is very self motivated and goal directed. She is also very responsible. In fact, my son, while not quite as self motivated, he is pretty independent and likes to learn how to do things to take care of himself, like cook. I think both of my kids will be fine. I've been trying very hard to raise independent and responsible children who have good morals and values and I think they're doing pretty good so far. The only concern about my son is that he can be quite unmotivated for "boring" tasks, so his place is likely to be a pig sty! I think, by then, he'll willingly take showers without me having to yell at him about it. In fact, I'm hoping that comes when he starts getting really interested in girls!

[WVU alpha phi]

How old were you when you left home? 17 for college, 21 for good- 4 months after college graduation

What was probably one of the biggest challenges that you had when living on your own? Juggling school and work? paying bills? room mates? Adapting to paying for EVERYTHING. Before I moved out I paid for some of my cothes (I have an obsession with designer sunglasses and my parents think $350 on sunglasses is ridiculous) and that was about it. I've always been anal about my spending habits so luckily I haven't run into too many money issues except a massive credit card bill here and there. Right now I'd say my biggest issue is coming to terms with the fact that I will be working the next 30some years.

How has the experience made you feel thus far? What would you change about it? I moved down south, which I've wanted to do since high school, so I absolutely love my decision. I was worried about homesickness since I dealt with that my first semester at college, but I'm so happy where I am now that it hasn't been an issue. So far the experience is extremely fulfilling and has definitely made me more mature.

What advice would you give to a parent faced with the prospect of a child that has to leave the nest? Let them do it! I know how much my parents miss me, but they know that I'm happier in NC than living back home. Don't make your kids feel guilty for wanting to try something new. And my parents also emphasized, before I moved, that it was OK if it didn't work out and I came home. They made sure to tell me that moving back wouldn't be admitting defeat.

Under what circumstances would you let your child return home or you would give them help? My parents have paid for a few things here and there since I moved (buying my furniture and stuff like that) and have told me if I ever need help, they'll help me. My best advice to people moving out on their own is to SAVE UP. I worked full time for 3 months while I lived at home and having several thousand in the bank when I moved has definitely given me a peace of mind when a larger-than-expected bill comes in the mail.

Which do you think is harder to cope with: a daughter learning to live on her own or a son facing the same thing? I think parents may worry more about daughters. I know a big concern was safety when I moved out of state to an area no one in my family knew anything about. I have a roommate and live in a gate controlled apartment complex, so that puts my parents' mind at ease a little. But honestly, daughter or son, I think a child moving on is going to take some time to deal with.

[knight_shadow]

My answers:

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

How old were you when you left home? 17

What was probably one of the biggest challenges that you had when living on your own? Juggling school and work? paying bills? room mates? At first, it was learning how to manage money. I didn't work in high school, so when I got to college, it took me a while to figure out that money needs to be saved.

How has the experience made you feel thus far? What would you change about it? Living with roommates has helped me gauge people a little more effectively. Living on my own has made me proud that I can support myself (corny, I know...)

What advice would you give to a parent faced with the prospect of a child that has to leave the nest? Be accessible, but allow the child to live his/her life. Don't roll over every time the child comes around, and they'll eventually get the hint and grow up.

Under what circumstances would you let your child return home or you would give them help? My parents have left their home open for me, so I'd do the same for my children. The only exception would be if my child is a freeloader. That won't fly with me.

Which do you think is harder to cope with: a daughter learning to live on her own or a son facing the same thing? Definately a daughter. With me, I had to just "be tough" but it was no big deal. One of my younger sisters moved to her campus recently, and I still get nervous for her.