Happy Holidays From the Future
by Stuart Shepard, managing editor
An e-mail from 2025 reveals the end game of holiday renaming.
Just for fun, I set the date on my computer forward 20 years to see what was in my e-mail inbox. There's one note in particular I thought you'd find interesting:
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From:
info@crackpots.org
Date: Dec. 5, 2025
Re: Happy Holidays
The Committee to Rename Anything Christian, Knowing it's Potentially Offensive or Threatening to Someone (C.R.A.C.K.P.O.T.S.) has completed its mandate.
As you know, we had humble beginnings back in 2005, when we successfully removed the highly offensive and threatening word "Christmas" from TV ads, catalogs, public schools and government property. Thank the non-specific deity that we now have had two decades worth of Winter Holidays that offend no one.
We thought this would be a good time to review the other totally non-offensive holidays we have managed to place on the calendar. You'll see that we've expanded our efforts over the years to cover all sorts of unpleasantness.
• January — Celebrate the First Day of Whatever Calendar Your Personal Tradition May Choose Day
• February — Significant Other Person or Object Day
• March — Wear Green But Don't Mention a Specific Nationality Day
• May — Don't Look Back on the Past Day
• July — Independence, Dependence or Codependence Day
• September — People Who Like to Work or Just Hang Out Day
• October — Celebrate With a Knowing Smile All the Europeans Who Claim to Have Discovered an Already Occupied Continent Day
• November — Turkey Day — but we're discussing whether to rename it Turkey or Soy Protein Meat Substitute Day
• And of course, December — Winter Holiday Day
We think you'll agree, now that all the pesky deity-specific and politically incorrect holidays have been properly renamed, everyone is getting along like never before.
What's ahead? Well, our next project is to get churches to stop displaying those offensive religious symbols on their steeples where everyone can see.
Thanks for supporting our efforts,
Your friends at C.R.A.C.K.P.O.T.S.
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