Estranged father...

winnieb · #1 12-20-2005, 09:10 PM

My father and I do not speak--we last spoke a year ago. I tried to call the first part of the year and he never returned my calls. I gave up calling. He and my mom divorcded when I was 2 and he has been remarried for the past 20 yrs. Their life is always consumed with her kid--- and his family.

By dad loves to tell me that I am spoiled, among other things. According to him I have a messed up life. But I am the one who did things in order-- graduated from high school, went to college, graduated, got married, got my MBA, and had two kids.

The step kid that is perfect, well he dropped out of high school at 16, DWIs starting at 17, drug possession charges and jail time by 18, got out of jail and while on probahtion was picked up and charged (and convicted) for trafficing cocaine. Went to prison for trafficing, got early release and violated parole again. My dad sent him to Mexico while they paid the attorney to sort out the mess. Before he left for Mexico the step kid stole checks from my dad and wrote about $10,000 in bad checks across the country. He came back to the state, served minimal jail time again. Went to rehab, met a girl, got her pregnant and by the time that baby was 2 months old the same girl was prego again. So they have two kids that are 11 months apart. But the step kid and the girl have been together long enough know they were decleared to be in a common law marriage (this came as to news to them when she tried to testify on his behalf at another trial- for assult this time).
But I am the messed up kid- who is spoiled and wants nice things.

So after one year of no contact-- I open the mail today and he mailed my kids $300 in walmart gift cards. WTF? My kids would be happier if he would speak with them-- i am tempted to give him the card and tell him that my kids would be happier just to have a grandfather.
Anyway- I am sure this seems like a pointless vent-- but I just don't know what to do about him. I am partially resigned to the fact that he won't change and be what I want in a father. But I am seriously debating showing up on his door step and saying what I want, so I can have peace with this situation.

PiKA2001 · #2 12-20-2005, 09:21 PM

You should try to contact him. The gift is problaby his way of finally trying to open the door to reconcile things with you.

epchick · #3 12-20-2005, 11:19 PM

I am in a similar situation...except i've never met my father. For about 10 years i've been trying to contact my father, but he won't have it. I'm his 7th child...and the 1st girl, but i'm the ONLY child he doesn't talk to. Everyone else knows him and has regular visits from him...but not me.

I wouldn't give him back the gift cards. Whenever someone offers something like that, you keep it. Maybe he's trying to open a door, or maybe it is just something he feels compelled to do. I think that your children should call him up and say "thank you" and then MAYBE (of course it would be up to you) ask your dad, "grandpa when are you gonna come visit?" Ya know? Kinda put him in a spot..where he knows that your kids know that the gift cards were from him, but they really wanna see him. Maybe he'll straighten up and know that your a good kid...well adult...and that your kids are worth knowing. Ya know?

I think you have to let your dad, straight out...know how you feel, without getting upset. By having your kids say that they want him to visit and you saying the same thing, then maybe he'll get the jist. You just have to let him know, and the put the ball in his court. If he really doesn't want to, then you'll be fine. Your very well-adjusted and seem to do well without your father.

blueangel · #4 12-21-2005, 12:23 AM

Family is the most important thing in life, and stories like this break my heart. I truly wish all people understood how precious family and friends are. I'm so sorry for the pain you must be going through.

A couple of comments:

First, you need to find out if your father has some sort of physical problem that is affecting his behavior. If he has undiagnosed Celiac or Graves Disease, this could explain his irrational behavior towards you. Or, does he have a chemical imbalance such as a manic/depressive disorder? Or, maybe he's jealous of you? Are you more successful than he is, and maybe he can't deal with it?

If none of the above applies to your dad, just know that there is nothing you can do to change his behavior. What you CAN do is change your REACTION to his behavior.

It does sound like he's trying to open the door to you. Sometimes when people get older and face their mortality, they realize what is most important in life-- and that is family.

You'll now have to make a choice. You can call to thank him for the gifts to your kids, and pretend like nothing happened... then see how the conversation goes. Don't expect an apology. He may be too embarrassed to talk about it.

While you may want to have a heart-to-heart, it probably would just make him defensive and would bring up old wounds for both of you. He most likely realizes he was wrong anyway. He could be just too darned stubborn to admit it. And, as we know, most men hate to talk about their feelings. They'd rather gargle glass. It might be best to forgive him and put the past behind you both-- with limits.

If you decide to reconcile, know that the power has now shifted to you. He is coming to you, so the relationship is now on your terms. Set limits in what you will tolerate going forward in this relationship. Remember that we teach people how to treat us. When you were a child, you had no choice in how you were treated. You're an adult now, so you have the power to insist you be treated with respect.

Stop him in his tracks immediately the first time he starts to criticize you again. Very calmly, and without emotion you can simply say something like, "Dad, I'm not going to go down that road with you again. I love you, but it makes me feel bad when you say things like that." Then change the subject. Refuse to let him engage you in it.

Also be sure to check your own behavior. Are you somehow antagonizing him unconsciously? Do you fall into old childhood habits, maybe pushing his buttons for attention? Do you let him know how much you love him?

Don't forget that he's human. He has "stuff" that he's dealing with as well. Maybe he's got baggage from his youth. Did he have a bad relationship with his parents? We live what we learn, and maybe that's what he learned growing up.

If you decide the relationship is too toxic to salvage, then you need to concentrate on your own family and healing yourself. A very good book to read is this one, "Divorcing a Parent,"

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/044...books&v=glance

Good luck, and I hope this turns out to be the start of a healthy and happy New Year with your dad.

Jill1228 · #5 12-21-2005, 01:07 AM

Hey hon! Hugs to you! Since he did send something to the kids, I would try to open contact (even if it is just to say thank you) BUT KEEP YOUR GUARD UP! You don't want to be hurt again and you really don't want the kids to be hurt

I am estranged from my father--we haven't spoken in over 4 years--I don't have any intention to

BlueAngel, thanks for the book advice--I might have to check it out

winnieb · #6 12-21-2005, 01:10 AM

Blueangel, thanks for the book recommendation. I will check that out. I think it might be helpful regardless of what I end up doing.

He did have a horrible childhood with his parents. My mom has always told me that he doesn't know how to act any other way.

I don't think I am antagonizing him. Unless I remind him too much of my mom. He habors so much hatred towards her-- it is weird! That is the only thing I can think of.

He has been this way pretty much my entire life----- he use to not show up on my weekends, would forget to call, he wouldn't take me on their "family" vacations- but would take my step brothers friends with them. Just weird behavior like that!

I do need to adress the situation with him-- I am scared to death though.

honeychile · #7 12-21-2005, 01:31 AM

FWIW, I would let your kids keep the gift cards, but insist that they write thank you notes - which must include the phrase "Am I ever going to meet you, Granddaddy?" in it. Let your father see that you're raising YOUR kids right, just as YOUR mother did!

There are so many scenarios that could be happening here, and I think I'd want to know what's up, if I were you. Can you write to him, and ask how he's doing?

-He could be terminally ill and trying to straighten out his "affairs".
-He may have woken up and realized that the stepkid is a jerk, and he doesn't know his own daughter.
-He may simply be realizing his own mortality.

Whichever it is, I completely agree with Jill - keep up your guard. If you have a good BS Detector, make sure it's highly tuned prior to reading anything from him, or talking to him. And if the BS Detector goes off, tell him so.

I believe in second chances - WHEN they're not a chance to simply look good for the rat in the scenario!

And please keep us posted - I'm sure I'm not the only one who read this and will be praying for a good outcome!

Senusret I · #8 12-21-2005, 02:21 AM

I don't have any helpful advice....but I did want to sign up for the Shitty Father Brigade as well. Mine doesn't want to meet me and I've made peace with that.

What irks me the most is that people who are related to him are leaders at my old church and refused to take steps to facilitate a meeting.

AGDee · #9 12-21-2005, 07:49 AM

I learned many years ago, after several months of therapy, to forgive my dad for his inability to provide emotional support and realize that financial support is the only way he knows of to show his love for me and my kids. Through college, I always told people that my relationship with my dad was purely financial and I was very resentful of that. It took time and a good counselor to help me forgive him for his weaknesses. I actually feel sorry for him now because he just doesn't know what really brings happiness in life and he's really pretty miserable. He can't and won't ever be the dad I always wanted, but he's the only one I have so I have learned to accept him for who he is. I have limits on that, in that I won't let him treat my kids the way I was treated as a child, and I won't stay with him in his home because he gets nasty then, but as long as we just have short visits over brief periods of time, then he stays in "guest" mode and we are fine. So, I protect my kids from his irrational behavior and I have forgiven him for his irrational behavior toward me.

It's not easy to do, but it's much easier for me to live without hating him...

Eclipse · #10 12-21-2005, 09:55 AM

Sorry you are going through this with your father. Those that are closest to us can wound us the most.

I agree with those people who said keep the gift certificate, tell the kids where they are from and either get them to write a thank you note or make a call to your father to say thank you. I WOULD NOT coach your kids to say "we want to see you" or "when are you coming to visit us?". Your dad could not be guilted into a relationship with you, why would it work with your kids and why would you want to put your kids in a situation where they could be disappointed and hurt like you were?

If you would like to make contact with him and try to establish a relationship with him, you can do that, but I would probably first do it without the kids. If Dad is still hyper critical and such, why expose the kids to that?

MysticCat · #11 12-21-2005, 10:18 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Eclipse
I agree with those people who said keep the gift certificate, tell the kids where they are from and either get them to write a thank you note or make a call to your father to say thank you. I WOULD NOT coach your kids to say "we want to see you" or "when are you coming to visit us?". Your dad could not be guilted into a relationship with you, why would it work with your kids and why would you want to put your kids in a situation where they could be disappointed and hurt like you were?

If you would like to make contact with him and try to establish a relationship with him, you can do that, but I would probably first do it without the kids. If Dad is still hyper critical and such, why expose the kids to that?

I agree. If the kids want to say it, they might say "I would like to see you," but leave that to them.

The other thing I might do is take a picture of the kids with what they buy at Wal-Mart and include that in the thank-you note.

AchtungBaby80 · #12 12-21-2005, 01:10 PM

I can sympathize because I don't have a good relationship with my father, either...well, really, any kind of relationship at all. We talk every now and then, but that's only to keep up appearances on his part, I'm sure. After my parents divorced when I was 4, he was always more concerned with spending all his time with his girlfriend (who didn't care for me much and liked to gossip about my mom) than with me. Things went on this way until last year, when he and the girlfriend/now ex-wife got divorced and suddenly he was calling all the time wanting to take me out to eat and stuff. I was really happy because I was idiot enough to believe that since wifey was out of the picture, he had realized what all he'd missed out on for the past 24 years and wanted to have a real relationship with me. Well, it lasted about as long as it took him to find a new girlfriend, and now I can probably count on one hand the number of times we've talked in the past 6 months. I haven't seen him in almost a year. I guess some men just never grow up. I think I'm fortunate in that I at least have a stepfather who did all the things--and more--that my dad should have done, but it's still hard knowing that your own father doesn't really care that much about you.

If I were you, I'd do like everybody else says and keep the gift certificates. But I would also proceed with caution--your dad may actually have come to his senses and want a relationship with you, but then again, he may not. This is just one of those things that you have to let time sort out.

AOX81 · #13 12-21-2005, 06:25 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by MysticCat81
The other thing I might do is take a picture of the kids with what they buy at Wal-Mart and include that in the thank-you note.

That sounds like a really nice idea.

I totally understand where you are coming from. My parents separated around the time I was 4 or 5 and were divorced shortly after that. My dad knocked up a chick and eventually married her a year after that. A couple years later they had another child and it was pretty much like me and my brother didn't exist. We were supposed to go see him every other weekend but it didn't always work out like that. When he was supposed to pick us up for his weekend he was either late or just didn't show up. My father then got divorced around 1987 and remarried again in 1994. My brother went to live with him when he was about 14 years old (which was a HUGE mistake) and things got worse...this story could go on and on...

Anyway when he divorced his last wife things started changing. He started calling me and even stopped by my house when he was in town. I knew something was up because he was making several trips to the Cleveland Clinic. He's been sick on and off over the past couple of years and I think he's trying to work his way back into my life. BUT just when he starts getting back on track with me he screws up again. His birthday was on Labor Day so I called him to wish him Happy Birthday...I get his voice mail. So after 3 1/2 months after my initial call he FINALLY calls me back.

I'm just worried that one day his is going to get extemely sick and realize that he neglected me and not have time to make things right...

Tom Earp · #14 12-21-2005, 07:56 PM

Wendy, I will be surrogate Father, I am sure I can qualify!

Know it is Tuff Hon!

One of My Best Friends finally Found His Dad, Broght Him Him In For Thanksgiving. Everyone was Super to Him! He had a great time.

Rob Has Not heard from Him Since!

Hon, You can only do so much as hard as it hurts!

Maybe as someone said, He is feeling guilty. But YOU Be careful.

He has the Problems, You dont!

you have a Healthy Family that You Love. That is what is Important!

Buttonz · #15 12-22-2005, 12:17 AM

*hug* I can get into my whole issue with my and my 'father' but it would take to long.

I think what everyone else has said is a good plan. Let your kids write him thank you notes or call him and let them ask when he is coming for a visit....let them be the ones to put him on the spot.