Gay Bashing

JonoBN41 · #1 12-05-2002, 12:14 AM

I don't know if this is the proper forum, but I thought I'd ask anyway. Nothing to lose.

Last night a fraternity brother, ten years older, called after midnight. I was asleep but heard him leave a message on my machine that began, "Hey Butt Munch!. I got a PM from a guy I don't know. If he's a member of the gay community please tell him I'm not! Where the hell are you, you fist-fu*king faggot?".

Funny huh. It sounded like he was drunk but was still pretty disturbing since I confided in him months ago that I was gay and virtually my whole chapter knows. I've been out for years and whereas they all accept it, this guy just can't seem to let it go.

I've never even done the things he's talking about but he mentions it every chance he gets like it's cool to call me derogatory names and say he loves me as a brother all the same, like I'm some token minority he knows.

Last night was over the edge. I'm a pretty macho-type guy myself but it still took me two hours to get back to sleep after hearing the message he left. I never thought being honest with a brother would wind up like this.

Maybe I'm over-reacting or being too sensitive but this recent incident has haunted me all day and I'm still upset, otherwise I wouldn't be writing.

Jono

RACooper · #2 12-05-2002, 12:46 AM

Right..... hmmm.....

I would have to say that it is this older Bro that has the issues. If he is OK? with it then why doesn't he let it go? One, Personally I would lose all respect for someone as pathetic a brother as he sounds. Two, I recommend that if possibly you have some other brothers approach him (obstenively without your knowledge), and explain to him exactly what your concerns are and why his attitude is wrong.

You should suffer in know way for his pettiness and general jack-ass attitude.

lifesaver · #3 12-05-2002, 03:11 PM

Dood -

That sucks bro. There is no place within LXA for that type of attitude, hatred or intolerance. I dont know what to tell you. Its easer said than done to ignore it. I dont know what your level of interaction is withthis fella, but the next time I saw him I'd tell him no uncertain terms that then next time he leaves a message like that you'll kick his ass.

Remember:

The people who matter, dont care; and the people who care, dont matter.

EM1843 · #4 12-05-2002, 03:17 PM

http://mcrae.ca/greek/docs/lambda10.htm

I found this website one day while searching for Lambda Chi Alpha stuff. Any brother who can read it and not accept every man as a man didn't go through the same ritual I did. Brotherhood has nothing to do with one's sexual orientation, religion, or anything else and if he cannot accept that then all brothers of Lambda Chi Alpha do not have an obligation to accept him as a "TRUE" brother. Every brother of Lambda Chi Alpha has their own baggage that we bring to the alter of Lambda Chi Alpha and ask our brothers to help us bear. If he cannot, or will not be there to support you, then he can GTFO! Brotherhood involves letting men into the secret depths of your heart, for that is where true brotherhood resides.
You are wonderful brother and my life has been enriched by meeting and talking with you.

Truly IN ZAX
Matthew Troy

As was once told to me "You cannot love this fraternity any more than you love the least of your brothers."

RACooper · #5 12-05-2002, 03:37 PM

Hey great link...

I'll have to pass that on to a brother that's roughly going through the same things.

JonoBN41 · #6 12-05-2002, 08:15 PM

I agree. Matt thanks for posting that link and especially for your kind words and eloquently expressed thoughts. By the way, that story is from a book titled "Out On Fraternity Row" which I discovered in the bookstore four years ago.

I wanted to send a copy to the individual concerned here and found one on eBay for $1.00. Coincidentally, it arrived today. I'll send it to him since it's a groundbreaking book with accounts of brothers in many different fraternities coming out. A few are horror stories, some are okay, but the best was the Lambda Chi recounting in the link. It's on page 158. In my opinion, a copy of the book should be in every house of every GLO, because you just never know.

Now I'd like to clarify something. I don't believe this brother is homophobic. He was surprised when I first told him, but we remained very good friends and continued to talk on the phone alot. Maybe too much.

He's perhaps my favorite brother (after my Little Bro). But he's the kind of guy who jumps on someone's trait and characterizes him that way all the time. It's annoying to be constantly labeled "the gay brother", when it's really a very tiny part of who I am. (I have no significant other and have probably had sex with more women than men anyway.)

It's the repetative references that bug the hell out of me. Hey, I might know someone is diabetic but I wouldn't bring it up in every single conversation. What would be the point? The problem is that these epithets have escalated and crossed the line to vulgarity. I told him, Don't call me again.

I'm sure this hurts him, especially since he doesn't even recall what he said. It's hard for me to explain my position in e-mails to him because he thinks it's a sign of affection that he can say such things to me, and that I won't mind. I'm afraid he would think I was kidding if I simply asked him to 'knock it off".

Thanks to everyone who wrote replies, but I've got him 'on hold' and still not sure what to do next.

In ZAX,
Jono

starang21 · #7 12-05-2002, 08:17 PM

i say just whoop his ass next time you see him. what's the point of talking to other people about it? just take it to the horse.

Corbin Dallas · #8 12-05-2002, 09:57 PM

I don't know if this would work, but maybe you could relate this to something else, like how a non-white brother wouldn't want to be called <insert racial vulgarity here> all the time, or women don't like being called bitch, slut, etc. It's just not nice...From what you've said, he sounds like a good brother, mostly, but he just needs his damn eyes opened!

EM1843 · #9 12-05-2002, 10:25 PM

You need to sit this brother down and tell him if he values his friendship as much as you value his that this cannot continue. Tell him that his comments are not acceptable, even if he was drunk. We all have done things while intoxicated that we do not remember that have hurt other people, but just because we don't remember them they are not acceptable. If he does not change his actions tell him you must end the friendship.

IN ZAX
Matt Troy

Tom Earp · #10 12-05-2002, 11:28 PM

Matt, Corbin, you both have posted some very good thoughts and I applaud you for them.

I can understand how if someone has things thrown up whether malicious or not it can wear on someone! I grew up with that with my name but learned to let it pass on by!

I can feel Brother Jono's getting upset and do not blame him.

If the Brother understands and trys to make amends then there should be give and take on both ends!

I had the Pleasure to meet Both Jono and Matt at BN Founder Day and Both are True Brothers and it was fantastic meeting them both!

I truely hope things can get worked out!

True Brothers will be True Brothers.

JonoBN41 · #11 12-06-2002, 07:40 PM

Tom,

You have some pretty wise things to say there yourself, as usual. I always knew you were smart!

If it's okay with you, I'll try to give you a call Sunday evening and maybe you can help me understand this brother so we can work things out.

I'm really not one to stay angry with someone, especially a brother, for very long. It's not what Lambda Chi is all about.

Thanks for your help. And thanks to everyone else too. I appreciate your concern and support.

In ZAX,
Jono

sirboomLXA · #12 03-31-2003, 01:04 PM

Speak to your officers at eboard?

Harison27 · #13 04-28-2003, 05:46 PM

Interesting that he should get mad at you. I'm assuming that you are the only member of your fraternity that is openly gay or openly bisexual. Our chapter is in a similiar quandry right now. We are the only chapter on our campus that has an Openly Gay Faculty member as an Advisor. I'm sure that we have at least one member who is hiding his sexuality., logic is that every chapter has at least one. Coincidently, we were approached by an Alumn with a friend who wanted to join our fraternity which caused some controversy among our brothers. He's not only openly gay, he's also Wican, a member of the student ACLU "American Civil Liberties Union" and currently dating the President of the Lambda Society on campus. Due to past connotations with the name Lambda and Lambda Chi Alpha, some of our brothers were concerned that should he join, then everyone would once again assume that we are the Gay Fraternity. However, we as a whole chose to give this young man a bid based on what we knew of him as an individual and weighed him on those merits. If any member of our Fraternity as a whole whether Active member, Alumni or prospective member has a problem with a members sexuality then they need to review society in general. Diversity is what makes us great not only as a Chapter but as a Nation. Personal and religious feelings aside - if a man finds another man sexual attractive that's his business., should he however attempt to force his affections on another man than he should be treated like a Man who tries to force his affections on a Woman. No difference as far as I see it. Good job in coming out to your brothers, I'm sure that it has caused some problems but I'm also equally sure that your grades are probably better because now you don't have the guilt of hiding who you are weighing you down.

JonoBN41 · #14 04-28-2003, 08:02 PM

No Bro, the Kudos go to you and your chapter. You guys did the right thing by looking at the person and not worrying about the other stuff.

Lambda Chi Alpha and some other fraternities (notably SigEp) are becoming known for their non-discrimination and alot of guys like that all the way around. There's very little danger of any chapter becoming known as 'the gay fraternity' since I've never heard of that happening anywhere.

I'm an alumnus and didn't come out as an active. But I began to tell some fellow alums and nothing bad happened, so I told some more. One night some actives came to visit, and they were so cool, we ended up going to a gay bar and they had a great time.

Now everyone knows, and I'm currently the president of the alumni association. Turns out I had nothing to fear, but fear itself.

You're right about the law of averages. There are 11 brothers from my chapter that I know are gay, although they've come out to me but not to the others. Hey; their choice. I'm sure there are more.

It's good to talk about this because I worry about the younger guys and don't want them to fear getting tarred and feathered!

I'm not the militant type, but sometimes I sound that way on our chapter server - just so they'll know it's okay to be who they are.

I guess I did something similar here just to see the responses. I liked what I saw and I'm very glad to be a Lambda Chi. Tomorrow it will be 31 years.

Oh, that brother who called me? The one who prompted this whole thread? It's all straightened out (so to speak :-) . He's my best friend!

In ZAX,
Jono

Tom Earp · #15 04-28-2003, 10:49 PM

Harrison27, I think you have found out that People are People, Period.

Brother Jono said a whole lot that made a lot of sense. If something is new to an individual, it can be a scarry thing until you get to know the person as an individual as a Brother and a Friend!

I had the pleasure of being at BN Founders Day and meeting Jono for the first time.

He is one of the most dedicated Brothers that I know and one of my best Friends!

Good luck and remember, the first time a Black Brother joined LXA, there ws the same problem, and I am sure the same goes for Asian Brothers!

I do not know if there have any gay Brothers in my Zeta, but we have African-American and Asian-Americans and I am Proud to call them My Brothers!