A Guy-Related Topic

bgsugirlie · #1 02-15-2003, 09:20 PM

Time for me to hear what you guys think...

I've been dating this guy for a month...kind of scary because the month mark is usually when relationships dissolve for me.

Anyways, he is sweet (for Valentine's Day he made dinner with rose petals on the table...candles...yummy food...the works...), he's cute, he's smart, he likes my friends, he's family oriented, he's great

!!!!!

Now this is where my situation gets kind of tricky. I told him that I like him a lot...but I can't spend the amount of time he wants to spend together. I have family, friends, sorority, school, work, impossible classes, and I need ME time too. He is the type of guy who spends 24/7 with the girls he is dating. I, on the other hand, still like to keep time for my girls. My friends mean a lot to me...

Here's the problem...he has told me he liked me before...but the other day we were talking and he said that it's hard for him to know how he feels because we hardly spend time together. This is where I need some opinions....is it me or do you guys just know how you feel about someone? You either like them or you don't...and he is starting this "I don't know how I feel stuff..." and it makes me want to say "well, you are a leech and I am not the type of girl who lives, eats, and breathes the guys she is dating...so it's been fun, but I'm gone." The only thing is that I like him a lot and I would feel like I am missing out on getting to know an amazing guy if I bail right now.

What do you guys think?

Betarulz! · #2 02-15-2003, 11:03 PM

If you like this guy a lot, I'd think you would be willing to spend more time with him. I can understand your need of time for the different aspects of your life, but if you want this guy to become a part of your life then you need to give him the opportunity to get through his uncertainity.

I think that a little increase in the time spent together will help matters, but you also need to explain how you feel about his time demands. I think that if you discuss it with him in a non accusing manner (ie calling him a leech), he shouldn't be too opposed to it. I think that his likely respons will be something to effect of "Well it's just that I love spending time with you and so want to do so as much as possible." However in the end he'll realize that you are the perfect type of girlfriend, one who is willing to let him have time with other people that are important to him. If you decide that he isn't for you...just give me a p-m 'cause I'll let you have your space

Kevin · #3 02-16-2003, 02:44 AM

It's tough.. I've had that conversation a few times with my girlfriend. Space and personal time are one of the hardest things to deal with in a relationship (has been probably the single hardest thing in mine as I don't generally have a whole lot of free time).

Just try to be assertive and come to a mutual understanding rather than telling him how it's going to be. Everything should be fine.

DeltaBetaBaby · #4 02-16-2003, 02:07 PM

Hate to say it but...

This type of thing can be a real dealbreaker in a relationship. If you two have different expectations for a relationship, it is possible you just aren't meant to be together.

XOMichelle · #5 02-17-2003, 01:45 AM

Well, just a question, but how much time do you actually spend together?

I am they type of person who loves to spend all sorts of time with boyfriends, but I think it makes a difference. Personally, I think seeing someone about 3 times a week is pretty reasonable if you are into them. I mean, if you see him once on the weekend, and maybe once or twice during the week for coffee or to hang, that seems reasonable. What kind of time commitment does he want?

-M

chideltjen · #6 02-17-2003, 01:56 AM

maybe you just aren't ready for something long term. as much as i would like to have a boyfriend, i simply don't have the time. i have similar priorities to you and don't know exactly where i would squeeze in a boy. however, if you truly have feelings for this guy, you would MAKE time for him. and things would just sort of fall into place. but again, if he wants to spend all of his time with you and you don't, maybe it's not meant to be like someone stated earlier. and if you spend 24/7 with him... that can get old REAL fast if he isn't the right person.

White_Chocolate · #7 02-18-2003, 01:06 PM

It's funny

Do you know how many guys would love to date you because of not wanting to be a leech? Let me call some of my friends and you'll hear what they have to say. . .well, besides that the guy is making them look like wusses(sp?)

D_Chi_Zinni · #8 02-18-2003, 02:10 PM

I agree with White_Chocolate I would love for a girl who would respect the fact that I have intramurals, brotherhoods, and socials. Ohh and not get all mad because I am going to a social with other girls and not her

just my 2 cents....

damasa · #9 02-19-2003, 12:38 AM

If you like him enough to continue the relationship, you'll make time for him. If you don't feel like you can make the extra time for him, maybe you shouldn't be in the relationship. Maybe have another go at it if you have classes that aren't so hard, or if you can spend some of your "me" time with him.

KSig RC · #10 02-19-2003, 02:03 AM

First off, the guy's full of shit. He knows exactly how he feels, this is a gambit.

You've said he's smart, sweet, etc - so what he's doing is forcing your hand. He's saying, in effect, "This isn't going how I want it" w/out bringing it up. He wants you to say, "OK - I like you, let's spend more time together so you can realize you like me too."

Well, that's not too fucking fair, now, is it?

Instead, how about this: (James will like the psychological warfare aspect)

In your situation, I'd agree with him - he won't take any other answer well, and it's not really a deal-breaker . . . yet. Just say, "OK - we'll try to spend more time, see how it works out."

NOW THE IMPORTANT PART - Don't compromise what you were doing before - see if you can free up more time, and who knows, he might move up the priority list. If not, no worries, you've placated his immature need to smother you (and him), at least for the time being.

I'd seriously doubt that, given another couple weeks, he'll be able to play the "I don't know how I feel" card again - now, he'll have to force out the issue as he really means it, which is "I need to be around you 24-7 because that's the measuring stick I use to validate the relationship and judge how you feel about me."

At this point, once all the cards are out, you can explain your side - "Kid, you're pretty down, but these are my friends, they were here first, will be here last, and spending time with them isn't a cut on you at all. They all love that you're understanding" etc etc etc

Then, at this point, you'll see if he is truly what you think he is. If he's unwilling to adapt, to seek a middle ground with you, then perhaps that's the end - relationships are all give-and-take. With a little work, maybe everything works out. Either way, you should NOT be the only one who makes a change here, so don't give up anything important to you until there's agreement on this point.

It doesn't sound like the apocalyptic issue that some others are making it - ie 'maybe you should spend more time with him, or it wouldn't work' . . . it's just another simple matter of trust, honesty, and making sacrifices ON BOTH SIDES instead of him expecting them all from you.

bgsugirlie · #11 02-21-2003, 01:51 AM

Thanks for the help you guys!

I asked him out on a date this weekend so that he can't claim that I don't spend any time with him...I'm trying to make an effort.

XOMichelle...we spend one night a weekend together. Sometimes we see each other on the weekdays, but it usually comes down to about one night a week. I wish I had more time but my life is super busy right now!

And it makes me feel good to know that there are guys out there who aren't leeches...I still have hope : )

KSigRC -- thank you, thank you, thank you...I agree that he should know how he feels by now, and I'm glad that you see it the same way I do...I think that if he is still confused on how he is feeling, there must not be feelings there (so why he is asking me out is beyond me ) but your perspective helped and I think I'm gonna try some of your suggestions out!

Thanks again

KSig RC · #12 02-21-2003, 01:27 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by bgsugirlie
KSigRC -- thank you, thank you, thank you...I agree that he should know how he feels by now, and I'm glad that you see it the same way I do...I think that if he is still confused on how he is feeling, there must not be feelings there (so why he is asking me out is beyond me ) but your perspective helped and I think I'm gonna try some of your suggestions out!

Thanks again

no worries dude - good luck bud