Feeling bad and guilty

Flirtyme · #1 10-08-2001, 01:08 PM

Hi, I'm new to this forum!

My name is Rachel for all of you to know. Well we just got our big sisters at San diego state, and well I really wanted this girl Nikkie to be my big sis, so bad that I kept telling myself it wasn't going to be her so it won't be as bad when I find out. This girl was so like me, loud...funny. I felt really bad though when I found out though that I got someone else, because throughout the day I kept thinking that I wanted her. Still I can't stop thinking of how bad I wanted her to be my big sis and how dissappointed I was it that wasn't her.

I wanted to be happy but i couldn't help it. This other girl, Mary is also very nice, somewhat like me but is not a loud, partier and as fun as the other chick . I can't get rid of this feeling I have, and I'm afraid of hurting my big sis. I know I should give her a chance, but now every time I look at Nikkie and her new lil sis I get jealous. Help and advice? Anyone..please?

I FEEL SO GUILTY AND BAD!!!!!!!!!

GiantsChic · #2 10-08-2001, 01:33 PM

Hey there, I go to SD state (but not in a sorority)- may I ask what house you're in?

mmcat · #3 10-08-2001, 07:58 PM

it sounds like you may be a bit uncertain about what you want.
are you looking for a supportive sister or a party partner?
give things a shot and keep an open mind and you might be surprised.
cheers
mmcat

ErikaXO · #4 10-08-2001, 10:30 PM

Also remember that you are not obligated to be this girl's best friend just because she is your big. Likewise, you are not barred from being especially close with the party animal just because she's not your big. I got the girl I wanted back when I got my big....I chose her mainly because I hadn't gotten to know any of the other older girls all that well!!! Later on I realized that she and I were not such a great fit. I quit worrying about my relationship with my big and started looking forward to the day I could have a little of my own. I ended up with two littles, one in '91 and one in '92....we built a great family and my second little ended up in my wedding!!! You are going to gravitate towards some people more than others in the chapter, and who those people are may change throughout your 4 (or 5) years. Don't worry about it. Just enjoy your two very different friends for who they are, get to know as many of your sisters as you can, and have a great time.

bruinaphi · #5 10-08-2001, 11:03 PM

Get to know the woman to whom you were matched. There may be something that your new member team knows that you don't that will bind you two together. You can still hang out with your wild party friend -- your big sister isn't necessarily the person who you party with, she can be many different things.

If you don't bond with your big sister remember that you can make the experience different for someone else next year. My big sister was never around b/c she was a professional dancer. When I took little sisters (3 of them) I made sure I was always there, took them out and did everything that was missing in my relationship with my big sister.

Like Erika said, have fun and get to know as many people as you can.

Sue_XO · #6 10-09-2001, 01:22 PM

I wanted my dorm neighbor/close friend, Julie, to be my daughter and put her first on my list. I did not get her and, like you, upset. Then I found out that the committee did not put us together because they already knew we were close and they wanted each of us to get to know someone else and get close to them. I think your committee knew you'd already be close and a great friend/sister to your "rush crush" so they paired you with someone else. Maybe someone quiet that you can help "get out of her shell" because you have such a popular personality.

I ended up with "twins" and the biggest best family ever!!!

justamom · #7 10-10-2001, 07:02 AM

I agree with all the posts, but would like to add one more point.
Sometimes, there is a part of your character that is inhibited and deserves to be developed. Perhaps the person you are matched with can help you explore and develop other aspects of your individuality.

mmcat · #8 10-10-2001, 07:27 AM

to all the posts past my first one...
go with the flow on this one.
remember there was a reason they picked you and you picked them.
there's also a reason you were matched with the woman you were.
you can be friends with everyone.
cheers
mmcat

fuzzie · #9 10-10-2001, 11:42 AM

I just wanted to get my 2 cents in here. I was kind of in the same situation when I got my Big. Sadly, when they revealed our bigs' names to us, I wasn't sure who mine was. But, she ended up being an awesome big (spoiled me to death) and was always there when I needed her, and I had a lot of dilemas as a NM and sister. She was there for every one of them. I had even considered depledging (long story) and she and one of her roommates walked to my apartment at like 11:30, sat me down and talked to me about it. If it hadn't been for my big, I wouldn't have even finished my NM period. She has become one of my best friends. So, give your big a chance, you never know what potential she may have.

~Mindy~

josh8o · #10 10-10-2001, 12:28 PM

hey-
what these girls are saying on here makes a lot of sense. i really don't have a place to give advice because i don't know what you're going through. anyway, i just wanted to let you know that i go to state too, and i am pledging phi psi (phi kappa psi). where are you pledging?
josh

maggieaxid · #11 10-10-2001, 01:50 PM

I understand your dilemma and I agree with every one!!!
The person I wanted as my big was on probation bc of her grades, so I ended up with one of her roomates who I knew just a little bit. At first she was a great big, but then I started hanging out with other sisters who she wasn't crazy about (I found out later she wasn't real liked amongst most of the sisters) and she used to be really obnoxious about it. So after awhile she and I just stopped talking, besides just being cordial with one another. During all this time I had another member of my sorority kind of take me on as her little bc her little had dropped out of school and her grand-lil' was trying to get with her boyfriend...no, i am not kidding! So we became serrogates to each other.
After that, I got my own lil' who is lots of fun and a huge partier and my grand-lil who I love to death and would do anything for.

So, basically after all my rambling, I am just trying to point out, even though you may not know your big, everyone in your sorority has a place in your life if you choose them to be. So go call your big and ask her to go out to dinner or something. She might be shy and not know what to do!!!

AXOLiz · #12 10-10-2001, 04:23 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by maggieaxid
I understand your dilemma and I agree with every one!!!
The person I wanted as my big was on probation bc of her grades, so I ended up with one of her roomates who I knew just a little bit. At first she was a great big, but then I started hanging out with other sisters who she wasn't crazy about (I found out later she wasn't real liked amongst most of the sisters) and she used to be really obnoxious about it. So after awhile she and I just stopped talking, besides just being cordial with one another. During all this time I had another member of my sorority kind of take me on as her little bc her little had dropped out of school and her grand-lil' was trying to get with her boyfriend...no, i am not kidding! So we became serrogates to each other.
After that, I got my own lil' who is lots of fun and a huge partier and my grand-lil who I love to death and would do anything for.

So, basically after all my rambling, I am just trying to point out, even though you may not know your big, everyone in your sorority has a place in your life if you choose them to be. So go call your big and ask her to go out to dinner or something. She might be shy and not know what to do!!!

I too had an adopted big. When I picked mine, I couldn't choose between two of the sisters so I picked someone else entirely. My big and I were close for a while and then she ended up turning psycho for some reason.

I was still close to the two I couldn't decide between in the first place, and one of them basically ended up adopting me since she never had a little and my big and I stopped talking. While I probably should've picked my wonderful adopted big in the first place, I don't think I would've appreciated how much she was there for me and how awesome she is if I would've had her from the beginning. So after all MY rambling, I think my point is that everything will work out in the end, it just sometimes takes longer to figure out where you're supposed to be, whether it's with someone totally different, or with the person who's been there from the beginning. Good luck.

Liz

DeltaBetaBaby · #13 10-10-2001, 06:05 PM

There is something extra special about knowing that an older member is your friend because she chooses to be, not because the pledge trainer told her to be.