Sad New Pledge

[SadGreek]

Hey girls! I am new pledge of fall 2008. I am just wondering what everyone else's new member period was like? I am so upset as a new pledge. I haven't made any friends yet and everyone is just polite, not really friendly. I am a shy person and I usually let other people talk to me first so maybe this is why I feel like I don't fit in. I just don't feel any connection to these girls actives & pledges anymore. Through rush I *thought* I connected well with the girls of my sorority, but now the girl I liked best hasn't even spoken to me since pledge night. I almost feel like this sorority wanted the best rushees whether they truly liked them or not. Also, the other sororties on campus don't like my sorority because it is labeled "stuck up" and now girls that I liked in other sororties and went through rush with don't want to speak to me anymore. So now I feel very alone. My "sisters" don't seem to care about me and I seemed to have made enemies with the other sororites by joining mine.

I'm SOOO confused! Please help!!

Now that you've already accepted your bid, I would just try to stick it out until Initiation. You won't be able to rush for one calendar year anyway.

If you're still feeling the way you do right before Initiation, de-pledge. At least give it a few more weeks. Hopefully you'll be able to overcome your shyness and things will turn around.

[33girl]

Feeling let down after getting your bid (especially if rush was competitive) is absolutely normal.

You need to stop calling yourself a shy person - it's a self fulfilling prophecy. Go to all the events you can and make it a point to talk to at least 5 new people at each one.

Also, the other sororities and pledges are busy with their own pledge programs - it's about them and their lack of time, not you. If people you were friends with would really drop you because of where you pledged, they aren't friends to begin with.

Have you received your big sister yet?

Bonds take a while to form - they are not overnight. You've known these girls for, at the very most, 6 weeks. Hang in there, and be patient!!

[SadGreek]

I do have a big sis, but she seems more interested in a couple of the other pledges than me. It's very a awkward situtation.

I already decided to give all of this a chance until intiation and if I'm not happy with it de-pledge then.
I mostly just wanted to know if these feeling were early warning signs that I'm not true greek material.

How was pledge life for everyone else?

[AOII Angel]

33girl is right. There is no magical "sisterhood" that develops the second you get your bid. Sisterhood is formed by mutual experience and relationships formed over time. You have to make the effort to meet people. Yeah...no one is focusing directly on you like they had to during rush because they have a life and other things to do! Make a point to meet your pledge sisters...ask them to go to lunch or dinner. Meet up to study. Find out if any of your sisters are in your class...that's how I met my Big Sis! Do you have any biological sisters? Are you close because you are sisters? No...you're close because you grew up together and shared experiences! The same applies to sorority sisters...just give it some time and patience.

[baci]

I can relate.

I remember choosing my top three sisters that I wanted to be my big/mom etc. I was very excited. I just remember this great feeling and then being so disappointed. Every other pledge received who they wanted, but me! I did not even get one of the three people I put down on my request list. It was an awful feeling. I don't even remember having met the sister I received and I did not know anyone she was friends with. It was very hard to watch all of the other pledges and see how happy they were. Somehow, I just had to get through it all.

I also realized that I was not the most favorite pledge at that point and I knew I was probably not at the top of their bid invitation list. (my sorority was the top house and they were all stunning. I felt out of place, but I had to remember that they chose me and I had to be special) Somehow, I again had to get through that. It was not easy to do and also deal with being a freshmen and so much that was tossed in my lap. What I can tell you is "I got through it all".

I can also tell you I managed to meet a very important person. Little did I know the one pledge I spoke with on bid day became the most important person to me. We are still so very close to one another to this day and we speak nearly every single day. She is truly as close as one can get to being my sister.

It just takes one person in your sorority to make the difference. Right now, find that one person that is special to you and try and create a bond with her. Once you do that, the whole experience will come together. You will enjoy every single minute of it because you know you have that one person that just loves you as you do them.

Be patient, it will all come together. Have faith!

[SOPi_Jawbreaker]

I can be a very shy, quiet person until I get to know someone well. Once I get to know them, then I come out of my shell. The problem is that sometimes my shyness can come across as me being aloof, cold, distant, bitchy, snobby, uninterested, or unapproachable. For instance, my big sis told me that because I had been so quiet at the first info session, all the actives had thought I was totally not interested in joining the sorority. Part of the problem is that I don't smile very much. I was at my old job for about four months when a co-worker said something that made me laugh and another co-worker commented to me "Wow, we got a smile out of you. I think this is the first time I've ever seen you smile." I'm trying to be more aware of how I come across to people who are just starting to get to know me.

I really think you gain as much from a sorority as you put in. When I was a neo, I wanted to get as much of the sorority experience as possible. I went to everything that I could (socials, community service events, sisterhood events, cultural events, MGC events, etc.) And whenever any of the girls invited me to hang out, I would try to make it (going to a movie, going to HUB late night, going out for lunch or dinner, going for bubble tea, etc.) Now, my sisters know me as the one who is always up for anything. If anyone wants to go clubbing, go exploring the city, go out to eat, go to a movie, or go on a roadtrip, they'll always ask me because they know most likely I'll be down.

Like other posters have said, make an effort to go out to the events and make an effort to get to know the girls. You don't have to pretend like you're Elle Woods (overly perky, overly bubbly, overly talkative *rah* *rah* cheerleader), but make sure you are approachable...make sure you're not coming across like Posh Spice. Smile, say hello, and look like you want to be there and are interested in the event.

[Corsulian]

I'm a fraternity alumnus, but this is a fairly common occurrence.

Last semester, I spoke to group of new members from my chapter. They were frustrated over this and that and one asked me if I had ever felt disconnected with the whole process.

Of course. In fact, it wasn't until about 2/3 through pledging that I considered anyone in the fraternity a "close" friend. A lot of it was probably my own fault. I was often so worried over saying the wrong thing that I often said nothing at all.

When you're not fitting in, there are only two possibilities. One, you do fit in and things just haven't come together yet. Two, you don't fit in. If you have concerns, speak to your new member educator, big sister, and chapter president. Typically, if you truly don't fit in, they'll let you know in one way or another. In all likelihood, they just think you're a quiet person.

[PlainJane90]

Originally Posted by SadGreek

I am a shy person and I usually let other people talk to me first so maybe this is why I feel like I don't fit in. I just don't feel any connection to these girls actives & pledges anymore. ...So now I feel very alone. My "sisters" don't seem to care about me and I seemed to have made enemies with the other sororites by joining mine.

I'm SOOO confused! Please help!!

It's a two way street. If you're going to wait for other people to make the first move you'll be spending most of your life waiting. Approach the other pledges and sisters to initiate a social activity. Something as simple as hanging out between classes or inviting other pledges over to watch t.v. can open up a lot of possibilities.

[mh*e]

Someone has to make the first move... why not be the one to do it?

I'm a naturally shy person too, but I learned a few years before heading to college that by simply forcing myself to be outgoing and friendly, although it was tough for the first few minutes, by the end of a conversation I had always made a new friend.

Greek life is supposed to help you grow... maybe this will be one way that you can grow as a person... by overcoming your shyness and developing a truly magnetic personality.

Fake it till you make it... and don't give up!

[gee_ess]

Sadgreek - I don't know if you are a freshman or not, but if you are, keep in mind that you have had lots of new experiences over the past few weeks. Everything is different this year than ever before - you are away at college and that takes time to adjust. Chance are, you were hoping that the sorority would be the answer to all of this newness and that it would become your home away from home.

It will, but it takes time. Trust me when I say that these girls want you to be in their sorority or they would not have asked you to join. Give yourself some time to settle in. And, you saw something in them you liked, so trust your instincts.

Don't worry what the other girls in other houses say. You are not stuck up are you? I don't imagine that everyone in your house is either. This is "tent talk" and we warn others about it during recruitment, don't fall victim to it now.

My daughter had a terrible new member period. Her big sis left on BID DAY for three of the 6 weeks of her new member period. And, because the chapter is so big, this seemed to escape the attention of the new member chair so there wasn't anyone going by to check on her, or give her rides to the house, etc. My daughter did not know anyone at the campus and this only made it worse.

She cried almost every day which would make ME cry! But, we talked a lot about learning from tough times, about growing and dealing with what life sometimes gives us. Slowly, and I do mean slowly (like into second semester) she began to make friends in her pledge class. Now, in her junior year, she is an officer, lives in the house, and loves loves her sorority (went to national convention this summer!) And, she is keenly aware of pledges and how important it is to remain focused on them even after recruitment ends! Maybe this will be a role you will play later as well.

Look around the room at your next pledge meeting, notice if any of the girls are sitting by themselves or are not totally engaged with whoever they are sitting with. I am willing to bet there is another girl who may not be as "acclimated" to the sorority yet either. Try to talk with her and I think things will begin to change

This will happen for you - give yourself time and do not quit unless you really and truly feel this is not the place for you. I imagine it feels like that now but I promise it won't always feel like that. Stay positive

Finally, take heart from all of the stories posted. You are not the only one, but it does work out.