Need advice on friendship

[bucutie02]

Okay well i have been wanting to post this for a while, but i wasnt really sure...

I feel like i dont have a best friend anymore. I will start from the beginning. I met my best friend freshman year in high school. We both ended up trying out for drill team and then when we both made it we became best friends through the years. We never really fought or anything in high school, and our moms became good friends as well. Well when it was time for college i had choosen Baylor and she wanted to go somewhere else. At the fear of going to a university without knowing anyone, she applied to Baylor and for her to be accepted she had to attend summer school prior to the fall semester. Of course, she ended up going and was extremely depressed. Anyway, when the fall semester came along, we were roommates. Everything was going fine, except we would be so depressed there that we would come home every weekend (big mistake, i know!). Everytime i would make new friends and then they would come over to our room, she would be there and i would introduce them to her. Well my friends became her friends as well because i always felt bad not inviting her along when i would go out with the new people i had met. Her and I would always eat pretty much every meal together along with other friends. So one day im talking to my mom on the phone after one of my classes and she asks "so are you going to eat some lunch soon?" and i reply by telling her yes but im just waiting on Candace to get back from her class. That was when my mom tells me "well she might be eating lunch right now". "Whatever, we always wait for each other, she would never do that to me- besides she didnt leave me a note or anything," i answered her. Well low and behold, my best friend walks in the room about 10 minutes after i had gotten off the phone telling me that one of our friends was really hungry and asked her to eat lunch with her. Okay well i know this may just be a silly little thing, but it really hurt my feelings. As soon as she told me that i was so upset that i just went to another friend's room. After that day, the rest of the time we had left at Baylor that year didnt flow too well. I remember having a day off school about two weeks after that incident where there were all these activities going on on campus so i decided to go out with some friends to it without inviting her. Turns out she spent the entire day cooped up in the dorm room. I felt awful about it, and i know it was wrong, but i wanted to show her how i felt. Okay well that was that- the following year i stayed in town and went to school here while she went to school out of state, near a school where her boyfriend is at. That day she left she didnt call me to say bye or anything, i received an email from her about 2 weeks after. She ended up joining a sorority up there and things seemed to go well for her. When she came home from christmas, i didnt get a chance to see her since she was busy with other things. Well May came around and she told in an email that she would be coming home in a week, couldnt wait to see me, and she would call me as soon as possible. I too was exciting in seeing her since i havent seen her in about a year. Well she never called. It wasnt until maybe two weeks ago that she emailed me. She told me that if she was a good friend she would have called me by now. She said that she didnt realize it has been almost two months since she got home. She emailed me asking if it was okay to call me because she is thinking im upset and doesnt blame me if i am.


I dont know what to do because i am mad at her, but at the same time it would be nice to have a best friend again. There are a lot of things that really really annoy me about her. Number one is that every time i am talking to her, whether its on the phone or in person, she also interrupts by saying the most off the wall things. Makes me feel like she isnt paying attention to me. This of course, i have talked to her about and she says she will try to not do it anymore, although its still the same. Plus, she has admitted to me that I am a better friend to her than she is to me.

I have really only asked my mom what to do because she is really the only one that knows all the ups and downs about this friendship. My parents dont like her very much anymore because of all the things she has done to me. My mom isnt friends with her mom anymore either.

I am sorry if this has gotten really long, and maybe confusing- but i dont really know what i should do. Is this friendship worth keeping in your opinion?

[newbie]

Hi bucutie !!! (I'll hopefully reply to your email today or tomorrow - ughh I'm so behind!)

Anyway, I'm so sorry that you're having troubles with your friend . Unfortunately, friendships change over the course of time as people change. This year, I had a REALLY good friend that used to be my best friend from 2nd grade to 8th grade. Well, I don't know, we just drifted way apart, as we both sensed our differences. Unfortunately, that drifting apart led me to not even talking to her anymore! Sure, if we see each other at parties or whatever, we'll say hi and stuff, but then she goes with these people immediately to go get high and do drugs. It's really sad b/c our bond used to be so great.

However, I have this other friend. We drifted apart in middle school, but this summer, we are pretty close! It's funny how life works sometimes. She called me to tell me that she really missed me and such. It was really sweet. Sometimes, the weirdest things happen!

I guess what I'm trying to say, is, that don't feel bad at all of the distance between you and your friend. Unfortunately, distance happens eventually, even between the best of friends sometimes. But, I just don't think it's right how she is treating you! Granted, I'm definitely on the outside, so take my advice with a grain of salt . I just think it's not fair that you are trying to give so much, yet she kind of is taking you for granted.

As we all know, friendship takes two to work. I think that she wasn't very respectful when she got into town and didn't get in touch with you for two months. However, maybe it's worth trying to see what happened to her during those two months - maybe some circumstances kept her from contacting you?

Also, I hate to admit this (lol), but sometimes Moms really DO know best. My Mom always tells me something, and I always reply with "you don't know anything! its my life!" but she ends up being right sometimes. It seems like you and your Mom are really close . If so, I would probably trust her judgment, as she probably knows the most of your and Candace's friendship, outside of you and Candace.

I would say, try to meet Candace in person for lunch or something. Make sure not to schedule anything else that day (and tell her to do the same!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) so you guys can catch up - no matter how long it takes. It's amazing how once you come and talk again how much catching up you will do. If she seems very apologetic and really wants the friendship to work, I say give her another shot . If she keeps on cancelling on you or says she's busy or something, you might to take in account that she might not be worth your time and energy. Or if on the lunch date, you two jjust seem distant, unfortunately it might not work out.

It's really weird b/c sometimes the best of friends can end up thinking "How did we ever become friends in the first place?" I for one know that I've changed a lot each year of HS. It frightens me sometimes when it seems like I am growing apart from some ppl that I've known since kindergarten!

Also, bucutie, don't worry at all about not having a best friend or whatnot. A best friend WILL come to you one day, who knows, she might be around the corner!!!! You don't need to have a best friend right now, esepcially if that friend isn't very considerate of your feelings!!!!!! I hope this helped some, I really hope that you and Candace can talk it all out . GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!! We're all pulling for you bucutie .

P.S. My best friend is in Spain right now, and we still contact each other by phone frequently! So I think the best way to remain friends is by frequent contacting .

[newbie]

Also, I totally know what you mean about not wanting to have your friend left out . I've always had problems in the past with friends getting jealous when I go out with my other friends from other places. I wish I had the solution to that, but I don't????

I don't know, what I try to do with My best friend Caitlin is to just give her some space sometimes. The thing is, she's in college and I'm not yet, so that is already tough. But what we do is just give each other space, knowing that of course we all have different circle of friends. But then, we make sure that we hang out a lot/talkon the phone a lot, etc. Luckily, some of my very good friends are also good friends with Caitlin . Yet, some of my other friends aren't really close with her.

[worriedsenior]

bucutie, what a sad story. Hope my reply can give you a different view of your situation.
Friendships can be fragil. They are based on who you are at a moment in time. Sometimes one is needy and then it switches(like a teeter,totter). Your closeness was never challenged until you entered a new environment-college. I think everyone has a bit of possessiveness in them, and that's why you didn't like the luncheon. Were you feeling left out by your best friend or your new friend, or both? Maybe YOU gave her the strength to try to be a little more independant, but when she was, you didn't like it, but that's natural. At this point I'd ask do you think she changed OR did she use you?
You are right, you shouldn't have come home so much, that's when you really bond with other people. This year, try as hard as you can to stay there. Soooo many older friends say the more you come home the more you want to stay home! You don't want that!
So, here you are, you are thinking of all the great times you had and feel really bad.
Are you missing her or are you missing a best friend? I bet since it's been so long you are missing the closeness more than her.
This is blunt, but I think she slapped you in the face. To not call is to not care. You ARE a better friend than she is! Actually, she isn't acting like a friend at all.
Now comes a hard question. Is there anything besides what you wrote, that may have hurt her so much it broke the bond? Remember, this could be so tiny it might not matter to someone else. From the way you described her, she seemed pretty clingy and slightly depressed so any little thing could be magnified.
Now, what I would do. Treat the friendship like a photo in a frame. The two of you were important to each other once and that relationship is part of who you are now. It's time to take some new pictures with new friends. Start filling up the desk and the albums with new pictures-new memories. Sometimes you have to LET go before you CAN go forward. Don't hate her, love her for what she was to you, YOUR BEST FRIEND! You WILL find a new best friend, I promise. She may come back in your life like nothing happened. That's when you remember "Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet leaves on the heel that crushes it."

[amycat412]

BuCutie,
There are spaces in good friendships where it can seem like the end--but it doesn't necessarily have to be.

My best friend and I have been best friends since Sophomore year in high school. We both went away to college--me in L.A., her in San Diego. She rushed and pledged freshman year and became involved at her school, I didn't rush but became involved in my school. Still it seemed like I was the only one making an effort at all.

Summer after freshman year we were both home and we did hang out, but she had less time for me.

I pledged Sophomore year and that took up some more of my time, but Jodi and I, while we never stopped being friends, we were definitely not as close in college and we were in high school.

So I finish school and move to San Diego (ok ok, i'll admit it, to be closer to my boyfriend)--Jodi still had a semester of school to go. I kept trying to see her, make plans but she was alaways unavailable. I'd see her in bars and she'd say hi, but that was about it. I gave up.

I moved back to L.A. a year later. A year after that Jodi moved to L.A. too. And that was when we started to become closer too. She was so focused on her boyfriend (now husband) in college, and didn't realize how shut out I felt. With a little time gone by, and a lot of maturity on both our parts, we were able to talk it out and are best friends again and forever.

Being able to have that time apart to develop other friendships and our own lives has definitely made us stronger indivudually and as friends. And having had time apart, we now know nothing can tear us apart again, nor do we ever want to grow apart again.

Jodi has been married for five years and is pregnant with her first baby. I am single. Our lives are very different right now, but we talk thru our fears, and that makes it all less scary.-Like in college I was the one who needed to be less possessive of our friendship and let her develop other friendships, now she's the one who needs to let me develop other friendships--having been in Jodi's shoes, I know how to not hurt her feelings, and Jodi knowing how I stuck by her all thru college (even when I wasn't calling, etc.) and still considered her a friend lets her know how much I cherish her and how noone can replace her but I do need some single, non-pregnant friends too.

Your friend made some silly choices, yes, but look at it in this light. She was making her own choices--for me and Jodi--we were so close that no one said my name without hers and vice versa--and we needed to find out who we were without the other to know that the friendship was worth keeping for a lifetime. This is a normal stage to go thru at your age. Call her, and tell her you miss her and your feelings are hurt. You have nothing to lose and a best friend to regain.

Good Luck!
Amy


[This message has been edited by amycat412 (edited July 12, 2001).]

[AlphaSigLana]

I can relate to a lot of what you said. I had a best friend from kindergarten, but I moved away when I was 12 to a different state. We still kept in touch and visited, but slowly as high school creeped on we grew apart. I kept trying to get in touch with her and talked to her a few times by phone and email. In college I talked to her once, but she never called me back. I got tired of making all the effort. Anyway the point is I am not angry with her. People end up going their separate directions. I cherish the times we had and I know we would get along great if we saw eachother again, but a friendship can't be based on memories. Friends are like flowers they need to be tended to so they can grow. If left unwatered they will surely die.
Don't hold bitterness against your friend. Try to work it out. If your friendship isn't the same realize that she has made a difference in your life and now it is time to venture out. Email me if you would like.

[bucutie02]

You guys are so awesome!

In the email she wrote me she did say that she misses me, so i do think she feels bad for not calling me. I told my mom and she said its probably because she has nothing to do and is bored. Like i said before, my parents dont really like her or her parents. My mom says she is a backstabber and will jsut turn around and hurt me whenever something doesnt work out her way. By the way, I am really close with my mom and dad

I always feel like I am the one trying to make the friendship work. I am the one that used to call her to go out, call her to say hi, email her, etc. Before she went to school out of town and was still in the same city as me, she would never ever call me. That would make me so upset! Plus, another thing is that i cant mention anything that i want to get or that i recently bought because she will either go and buy it before i do, or buy something exactly like what i bought. I know its hard to believe, but she would do that on every one thing i mentioned. Eventually i just stopped telling her things i liked.

The boyfriend issue: Well her and Josh have been going out since junior year in high school. I remember she invited him through one of our guy friends to go with her to a drill team formal. He agreed and about two weeks later he asked her go out with him in a letter. She didnt want to since she didnt really know him and wasnt attracted to him but said yes anyway. I think she uses him for his money because everytime she wants something she will tell him knowing he will go out and buy it for her. Josh was a big issue at Baylor because while he was at a school out of state, she would get on AOL and chat with him all night long. Sometimes i would want to go to a fraternity party or what not and she wouldnt want to since she had to talk to Josh. I would at times stay in the room with her since all our other friends had already gone out.

So, there are other factors besides her not calling since she has been home that come in to play with me calling her or not. I have been wanting to email her though. I would feel more comfortable expressing my thoughts thorugh that, afterall, that is what she did- she emailed me.

I do feel like we have grown apart. I dont want to sound negative, but it doesnt seem like she has changed for the better, so even if we do start hanging out again, things will probably go back to normal. Thats not what i want, but i guess its asking too much for her to change for me.

Its true, i dont need a best friend right now. Actually at work i met this girl that is so sweet and she is a great listener. She does have a different lifestyle than me though. She is my age, but married and with a two-year old daughter. I know its not true, but i just feel like sometimes im too old to find a best friend. Meaning that most people that are best friends have known each other since childhood.

Thank you all for your advice. When i decide what to do, I will let you know

Newbie, take as long as you want with my email

[This message has been edited by bucutie02 (edited July 12, 2001).]

[BlueReign]

This subject really caught my attention because I am going through a "best friend blues" situation too. I know many people but I would love to have a best friend.

I understand your situation too. Your so-called best friend is really jealous of you. I was going to say that you two just grew apart as you got older because people change and develop other interests. But when I read your last post -- only jealous insecure women do things like that. You don't need friends like that. Jealousy can kill you!

Also stay close to the friend you met with the husband and kid. One day you may be married with children. I found that after I married and had children I had a bunch of single, childless friends that I didn't have much in common with anymore.

[This message has been edited by BlueReign (edited July 13, 2001).]

[LeslieAGD]

I had a somewhat similar circumstance. My best friend from High School and I chose our college together and became freshman roommates. We were always very different people but, you know, in high school it didn't really matter. When we got to school we did everything together...eat dinner together, take classes together, go home on the weekends together..it was sick really. Then I met some of my guy friends and she met a guy back home and we started to drift apart. She got angry because I would hang out with my guy friends every night, but I was only doing that because she would spend all night on the phone with her new BF (who I didn't like at all).

Anyway, to make a long story short, after we signed housing papers for the following year, she decided she was unhappy and was going to transfer to a school near home. However, she didn't tell me this, she just kept her mouth shut. One night I had it with her attitute and called her out and she admitted that she was going home but didn't tell me because she didn't want to "spend the whole last month together fighting." I figured that once we got home everything would be okay but it just got worse.

Sometimes it's better to just cut so called "friends" like that loose before they pull you down with them and have you feeling like you've done something wrong. I understand that you miss having a best friend, I do too sometimes, but waiting around for a rare and far between e-mail or phone call isn't a friendship. You're better than that!

[CRMSNTiDEGRL717]

bucutie--- I'm so sorry to hear about your relationship w/ your best friend going down the drain. I really wanted to reply to this topic, b/c I am going through the same thing right NOW too!!! To answer one of worriedseniors questions to you, for me b/c it has been so long, right now I'm missing the closeness of the best friend, not Jenifer herself. I really love her, but people change OR they weren't really your friend to begin w/. I cherish the times we had together, but I know we won't have those anymore.

What changed our friendship wasn't a new group of friends though. It was her new boyfriend. We used to do everything together. She came to my house everyday after school, we did something EVERY night of the week including the weekend. Then, when she got a new boyfriend, almost immediately she stopped asking to do stuff w/ me, got off the phone w/ me to talk to him, really hurtful stuff like that. I spent almost the whole last 3 mos. of my senior year staying home every single night b/c she never included me in anything any more. It REALLY hurt me, but I'm just trying to put it behind me.

I'm looking forward to school in the fall. I'm going away and she's staying home w/ her boyfriend and her old, same, plain life. I'm going to make new friends, start a new life, and experience things on my own, w/o a "best" friend. I really miss her, but I think WorriedSenior gave some awesome advice and asked some really "need to know" questions. Good luck w/ everything. Hopefully me and you both we'll have us a new, true "best" friend (and anyone else who feels the best friend blues)
Liz

[newbie]

Bucutie,

I agree, it seems like this girl isn't healthy for you - she just seems to be dragging you down!!! I really can't stand when ppl copy their friends - it really bugs me. In freshman year, I had this friend that copied every single thing of me - my clothes, the way I talked, my hairstyle, everything! It was sooo stifling and I just felt sick at seeing my carbon copy every single few minutes. It turned out that it was a huge issue of insecurity from her part. I had to cut her loose, b/c it was too draining for the both of us.

I agree, maybe you should write her back by email, that way you can do the same thing she did, but yet, you can also get ALL your thoughts out on paper, and with the privacy of your computer.

And, you know what? My mother, who is in her early '50s, just met her best friend like a few years ago. You are NEVER, EVER too late in finding your best friend. Heck, my Grandma met her best friend like a year ago! Also, don't hesitate to befriend even more the woman who has a family. Even though you two have very different lifestyles, it won't matter - friends are people, that, no matter how different youare, are here to listen and be there for you. I do agree that it is hard sometimes to befriend people who have totally different lives than you, but you would be surprised to know how valuable their friendships can be .

I'm praying for you Bucutie - hopefully you can get some closure from this - either becoming good friends again or just letting her go - i'm sure whatever's best for you will be done . Good luck again!!!!!!

[bucutie02]

Thanks again for your responses. I think I will email her and pretty much lay it all out on the table. I will also tell her that i do think we have grown apart.

The funny thing is that I have met these three wonderful girls at work that seem like a much better friend to me already than Candace and I ever were. I mean, we only work together, we havent ever gone out as a group, but they really listen to what i have to say and seem to really care. We all scheduled to go to SeaWorld one saturday- so that might be fun if we do end up going, but either way- i have a better time with them. We are our own person, and very considerate of one another.

I know that this might not have been the outcome i wanted, but every one of you helped me see the light and move on. Thank you so much! As soon as i write her the email I'll let you guys know. Should i tell her to write me back??

[HeidiHo]

OK, my relationship with my best girl friend Jessi is an odd and long one. We met in pre-school, and lived next door all of our lives. K-6 grades we were really best friends, together all the time. In 6th grade we were also best friends with Julie. In Jr high I got two new friends, Jenni & Cristina, that Jessi didn't like and so we went our separate ways. In 9th grade I still was friends with Cristina, and became best friends with her friend Erica. In 9th grade I met my still-boyfriend Jessie and didn't have time for other friends. Sad but true. In 11th grade Jessie started going out with his friends more, and I returned to Jessi & Julie. 11-12 grades Jessi, Julie and I were best friends again. College came and Jessi & I stayed in Cincy but at different schools, and Julie moved about 3 hours away. Jessi lived in the dorms and I stayed at home. Next year Jessi will be living at home & I'm looking for a place by school. Through it all I have been able to tell her anything, even if I haven't talked to her in months. Another thing that made it bearable was that we always had a big group of friends and other interests. So...my message for you, BU, is that you an drift apart and still end up best friends in the long run. You haven't talked to Candace in a long time but you'll know how comfortable you feel with her when you get together again. My advice would be don't rule her out all together but keep separate interests so you're never left stranded if Candace bails on you. I hope things go well for ya.
Heidi

[amycat412]

BUCutie-
It sounds like, from what you said in your last post, that your friend has a lot of growing up to do. You mentioned the other woman who's lifestyle is so different from yours--so is your friend's--she is nto valuing your friendship or you and she should be.

Send the email and see what happens. Maybe she's being blind and stupid, or maybe you have grown apart--but I think you'll feel much better once you express your feelings to her.

[newbie]

bucutie, hope all goes well for you - you deserve it sweetie!!!!!!!! BTW, Those girls at work sound like awesome friends!!!!