Bridesmaid question

christiangirl · #1 06-23-2008, 07:57 PM

I don't know bridesmaid protocol so I thought I'd come ask the wonderful people in GCland.

I was supposed to be a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding (which is in a year). We've been best friends since we were 15, so I was a little taken aback that she didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid. She eventually told me that she didn't because she assumed I wasn't coming because I'd still be in school. When I told her of course I'd come home for the wedding, she said she'd love to have me as a bridesmaid and she immediately told all about the dress she'd picked out for me. Well, that was maybe 6 months ago and she recently told me that she had too many bridesmaids so she wanted me to be the person who makes sure everyone signs the guestbook and gets seated in time. I'm not really mad about it; it's her big day, I want it to go the way she wants it to go. But I do feel a little funny about being "demoted." I guess the question is, is there etiquette on un-asking people out of your wedding party? I don't know to consider it rude or not, especially since it's a year away it's not like I've spent money on it. Even if I find out that it is, I still wouldn't be mad, I'm just wondering. Plus, this might spark some interesting stories so get to tellin'!

AOII Angel · #2 06-23-2008, 09:30 PM

Gracefully take the spot as a helper for the wedding. You basically invited yourself to be a bridesmaid...sounds like she had a good excuse not to ask you which you pushed aside. Maybe she doesn't consider you to be her best friend or has family obligations that she has to honor. Like you said, it's her big day...let her have it how she wants it! By the way, she is doing you a favor...no bridesmaid dress, no hosting a shower, etc.

Fleur de Lis · #3 06-23-2008, 10:51 PM

I was once "demoted" from bridesmaid to cake cutter. She said she wanted to have just her best friend stand with her, but she ended up having four or five other bridesmaids. I love this friend, but she is a flake and I have accepted that about her. It breaks every etiquette rule, but just be happy you aren't out $ for the dress, shower presents, etc.

tld221 · #4 06-24-2008, 12:39 AM

i actually had this happen to me. none of my LSs were asked to be bridesmaids but were assigned different tasks. i was in charge of cuing music, another for the guestbook, and another to collect the money at the reception and take pictures. we were all kinda upset about it, but we got over it. its work to be a bridesmaid, and im kinda glad it worked that way.

christiangirl · #5 06-24-2008, 01:20 AM

As for "inviting myself to be a bridesmaid," that was totally her decision. Yes, I brought up the fact that I was surprised I wouldn't be in it but a) this was several months after she told me she was engaged and b) we're close enough that I could be honest about that. She didn't have to ask me just because I said that. In retrospect, I wouldn't have said it, I didn't mean to sound like I was butting into her wedding. But hearing a statement like that is your opp to explain your cousins all filled the spots, not ask me out of pity (if that's what she did). Plus, it did it did throw me off that she "didn't plan to ask" but had my dress already designed for me.

Anywho, I don't mind the task at all. I'm happy to assist in her special day any way she wants me to (and I don't have to wear those stripperesque shoes she picked out--my friend is wonderful but I'd rather go barefoot). When I told my other friends this, they all got super indignant on my behalf like I had been mortally wronged and I didn't feel that way. But as I'm the only one out of our circle of mutual friends who's been cut, I wondered if I really had been sniped and didn't know it, lol.

adpiucf · #6 06-24-2008, 01:26 AM

It was rude of her to invite you (regardless of how it came up) and then take it back. That being said, you're handling it nicely. And trust me, there will be plenty more weddings and friends asking you to be a bridesmaid!

So enjoy the wedding, get people to sign the guestbook and relax-- have fun and be excited about the fact that you can wear whatever you want, wear comfy shoes and you don't have to shell out a ton of money for a bridal shower!

Munchkin03 · #7 06-24-2008, 02:32 PM

Your friend's actions were a little rude--be happy that you won't be a bridesmaid! If this is the way she is now, imagine what it would be like if you were in the wedding!

Besides, you'll save money and you'll get to see everyone who comes in--including any cute and single male guests.

TrojanWoman · #8 06-24-2008, 03:01 PM

ChristianGirl, you have such a good attitude about this whole thing. If I were you, I would definitely feel slighted. It sounds like your friend got scared to tell you the truth that her bridesmaids spots were already full. It is great that she figured out another special job for you but she could have been more tactful from the start. She is very lucky to have an understanding friend like you!

christiangirl · #9 06-24-2008, 04:55 PM

^^Thanks. I don't always catch things right away--I was like "Is she mad at me and I just didn't know? How much of an insult is this??" Lol I'm good now. It didn't bother me too much, I was just confused. It was like I was almost hurt, but not really.

I'm just stoked that this wedding is right after midterms next year so I have a legit excuse to fly home for a week in the middle of the semester!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

...including any cute and single male guests.

SEE, this is why I came to GC. I knew SOMEONE would find me a silver lining!!!!!

AlphaFrog · #10 06-24-2008, 07:29 PM

My best friend told me over and over that she wished I lived in the same city as her so that I could be her maid of honor...maybe she'd pick dresses from David's Bridal so I could pick one up down in Charlotte (or at least try it on so she could order it up North), etc, etc. I was kinda hurt that she never actually asked me. At the wedding, though, she said she knew that I was already taking time off of work, buying a plane ticket, etc so she didn't want to give me the option of adding to what I was already spending because she knew with a new(er) baby, I just didn't have that kind of money to blow. I really appreciated that.

catiebug · #11 06-27-2008, 09:26 AM

Pics please!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ronald Jeremy

Wow! You live in Charlotte NC? Small world. I have a home there. Maybe we can get together and have a few drinks. My treat.

christiangirl · #12 08-10-2009, 03:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by christiangirl

"Is she mad at me and I just didn't know?"

I thought I'd bump my own thread since there's an update on this. Well, it's been a year and the wedding is over...and, as of tonight, so is our friendship. Over the last year, my so-called "friend" has been getting meaner and ruder, snapping at me and picking fights over small things. Well, we finally just had it out and she 'fessed up about the BM thing. Just after she got engaged, I pulled her aside and asked her if she was sure this guy was "the one." He was really nice but they hadn't been together very long and I hoped she wasn't rushing the decision. But she insisted they were very much in love and I let it go. I had my doubts, but I was totally on board. But that time I pulled her aside and asked if she was sure pissed her off apparently. That's the real reason she kicked me out of her wedding--she didn't want anyone who "didn't believe in their relationship" to be in it.

ETA: *****from this point on I'm pretty much just venting******
This is so rich. I came to her as a concerned friend because this was a HUGE decision and I wanted her to be happy and because of that I don't "believe in her?" WHATEVER. The girls she chose have been talking behind her back ever since he proposed. They said those two would never even make it to the wedding day and, if they did, it'd only end in divorce anyway. I refused to backbite and instead, caringly brought my concerns to her and I got kicked out of the wedding party. How could she say I'm not happy for her? Even without being a BM, I flew cross-country, took time off school and work so that I could work like a freaking slave setting up the banquet hall, arranging table numbers and centerpieces, with fussy old ladies from church up my butt about the tablecloths not being perfectly straight while the two-faced little brats who talked about her for MONTHS got to put on their fancy dresses and their professionally-done make up and be pampered and photographed all damn day. Then I had to deal with the "Aren't you her best friend? Why aren't you in the wedding party, too? Why are you at the table all the way in the back?" questions all day long. And I did it graciously because I was just so exhilarated to be seeing my "sister" get married. She never told me the real reason but now that she's ended our friendship, she figured she could tell me the truth. Well, Thank God I didn't have to spend anymore money than I already did. You did me a huge favor. GOOD RIDDANCE and I hope you have a fabulous life with all the great "friends" who don't ever say what they're thinking until your back is turned. Good luck with that.

Ugh, this feels like a nightmare out of Gossip Girl. Best friends for almost 10 years. I can't believe it's really over. This hurts.

KSUViolet06 · #13 08-10-2009, 04:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by christiangirl

I thought I'd bump my own thread since there's an update on this. Well, it's been a year and the wedding is over...and, as of tonight, so is our friendship. Over the last year, my so-called "friend" has been getting meaner and ruder, snapping at me and picking fights over small things. Well, we finally just had it out and she 'fessed up about the BM thing. Just after she got engaged, I pulled her aside and asked her if she was sure this guy was "the one." He was really nice but they hadn't been together very long and I hoped she wasn't rushing the decision. But she insisted they were very much in love and I let it go. I had my doubts, but I was totally on board. But that time I pulled her aside and asked if she was sure pissed her off apparently. That's the real reason she kicked me out of her wedding--she didn't want anyone who "didn't believe in their relationship" to be in it.

ETA: *****from this point on I'm pretty much just venting******
This is so rich. I came to her as a concerned friend because this was a HUGE decision and I wanted her to be happy and because of that I don't "believe in her?" WHATEVER. The girls she chose have been talking behind her back ever since he proposed. They said those two would never even make it to the wedding day and, if they did, it'd only end in divorce anyway. I refused to backbite and instead, caringly brought my concerns to her and I got kicked out of the wedding party. How could she say I'm not happy for her? Even without being a BM, I flew cross-country, took time off school and work so that I could work like a freaking slave setting up the banquet hall, arranging table numbers and centerpieces, with fussy old ladies from church up my butt about the tablecloths not being perfectly straight while the two-faced little brats who talked about her for MONTHS got to put on their fancy dresses and their professionally-done make up and be pampered and photographed all damn day. Then I had to deal with the "Aren't you her best friend? Why aren't you in the wedding party, too? Why are you at the table all the way in the back?" questions all day long. And I did it graciously because I was just so exhilarated to be seeing my "sister" get married. She never told me the real reason but now that she's ended our friendship, she figured she could tell me the truth. Well, Thank God I didn't have to spend anymore money than I already did. You did me a huge favor. GOOD RIDDANCE and I hope you have a fabulous life with all the great "friends" who don't ever say what they're thinking until your back is turned. Good luck with that.

Ugh, this feels like a nightmare out of Gossip Girl. Best friends for almost 10 years. I can't believe it's really over. This hurts.

Oh man. I'm sorry.

This sounds like alot of drama.

BlueCarnation · #14 08-10-2009, 05:58 PM

Ugh. What a nightmare! I was a bridesmaid of a close friend (pledge sister) and we are no longer friends b/c she was a bridezilla. At least you didn't have to pay for a horrendous eggplant dress though!

Seriously, though, I'm sorry. That sucks.

txchrissy · #15 08-10-2009, 07:10 PM

I'm so sorry Christiangirl. That is awful. You seem to be a well mannered person, and certainly one who doesn't deserve that kind of treatment! I recently went through the same thing with my old best friend. We were inseperable! Then she stopped talking to me around december, deleted me from Facebook, Myspace, blocked my emails from her email account, and stopped returning my texts, and calls. She had no reason, and even our other friends were asking her what her problem was. When she comes home she won't talk to or acknowledge me even though we live in the same town and have the same social circle. She had no reason to do these things to me, and she was known for creating drama, just to make her life interesting. but i don't know why she would do it to me, some one who held her deepest darkest secrets. It can't be explained. To make matters even more ridiculous, my grandpa passed recently, a person i was very close to. (My real father is not involved in my life and he took on the daddy role. grandpa's are awesome like that.) And she didn't call or write or anything. Her whole family came to the funeral, and i heard no word from her. It was insane. Thats when i knew i was better off without her.

The point being, is that this person probably will never admit fault about ending your friendship, and in her head, she is probably convincing herself that she did ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong. Therefore, she need not apologize, or make contact with your for any reason. And its like the last ___years of your friendship never existed. There are people like this out there, and it seems that perhaps you and I have crossed their path. Hopefully one day they will realize the hurt they have caused, but they probably won't.

My advice to you hon, is to keep your head high, and look at the friend you have around you at this moment. Because it is those who are around you during your hardest times, that are your life's blessing. As for your other ex-friend, I'd just pray for her. There are just some people out there who stray from the values and morals they "say" they have.

Good luck christiangirl. You will over come this, it will stop being an issue with you in a few months, like 6. At least thats how long it took me. Anyways, I would suggest keeping a diary, (if you don't already). Because if you are writing about this stuff going on, you will have documentation, of when it stopped bothering you.... And that will be a triumph!