Bad situation with Big.. what would you do?

mh*e · #1 11-19-2007, 10:20 PM

First, a disclaimer: this post is about gifts I gave my big during a week where all the new littles give their bigs presents in my chapter. I've talked to other sorority women who all seemed to think that this was unusual, so I just wanted to clear that up.

I don't want to get too into details here because I am sure that any number of people I know could be reading this (hi there), but basically, I did my VERY BEST to meet my big's specifications for the gifts she wanted, and how she wanted her paddle made.

However, she was unhappy with them. She really hurt my feelings by yelling at me saying that she thought the gifts/paddle were "insulting" and "disrespectful." Then... she said she would "allow" me to buy her a "new set of gifts." I told her flat-out that it would not be happening. And then...

I never heard from her (or my twin) again! AND... she removed me from her Greek family tree on Facebook (I have a twin who is still there).

I don't know if I should even bother trying to fix our relationship. I kind of miss having a "big" and a "twin" and it complicates my relationships with the rest of our "family"... but I kind of think she's crazy for demanding new gifts and dropping her little like a rock like that.

Also, she is officially dropping the sorority at the end of this semester.

What do you all think?

denimeans · #2 11-19-2007, 10:24 PM

if she's dropping, get adopted. Find someone else older in your chapter you like, tell them and your president you want to be in their family. If she's dropping, it doesn't really matter anyway. And she sounds like a bitch.

SigKapAngel767 · #3 11-19-2007, 10:25 PM

It sounds like she has some things she needs to work out....wait a while before contacting her

mh*e · #4 11-19-2007, 10:27 PM

As of today, actually, it's been exactly a month since we've spoken.

mh*e · #5 11-19-2007, 10:28 PM

Hmm... I will have to look into this adoption thing. Thanks!

adpiucf · #6 11-19-2007, 10:32 PM

You did the right thing. You don't owe anyone presents or gifts. A simple thank you is all the gift anyone needs.

Most sororities give gifts to the littles only, but there are a lot of sororities where it is traditional to give or make the big sister a gift as a thank you for being your sponsor.

I didn't love some of the gifts my "littles" gave to me over the years, but I certainly thanked them and was thrilled they took the time to think of me. I displayed those gifts and showed them off to the world during my collegiate years. I appreciated the time they put into those gifts and I loved being their "big."

Your big sister sounds like she is having some personal problems. Either that, or she is very rude. I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. Get out of the house if you need to, find another older sister to be a mentor to you, or do what you need to do. Or confront her and call her out on it. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who was that rude and ungrateful to me without a heartfelt apology from her!

Good luck

KSUViolet06 · #7 11-19-2007, 11:39 PM

I'm going to be honest. Your big sounds like a very immature person. Someone who can't accept gifts without being a brat is someone I don't think is ready to be put in the role of Big Sis.

Sometimes bigs and littles don't have the best relationships. In my chapter, girls whose bigs quit the sorority usually got adopted by another older sister. I don't know if that's something your chapter does, but it worked out well for us because girls whose bigs quit didn't feel "left out" when there were things like Revealing and family night.

BabyPiNK_FL · #8 11-20-2007, 12:41 AM

I have 5 littles, and I would NEVER treat any of them this way. I chose them becauase I loved them and would not have taken them otherwise and vice versa. It is an honor to be a big and each of my littles is very special to me in their own unique ways. I would give them the shirt off my back if they needed it and they know that. It really hurts me to see people treat their littles poorly. I treat my littles like my babies.

That being said, I highly suggest you A) ignore her for the rest of your time in the chapter (it seems as if she's already disowned you) and B) turn to another member of your chapter as a big (get adopted). You deserve better and the relationship is obviously done with. You know who that person is in your heart and they will open up their arms and their heart to you! Good luck!

AEPiTeddyBear · #9 11-20-2007, 03:23 AM

I had a shitty big brother, he was too much of a stoner to actually help me while I was going through pledging (which definitrly wasnt wasy, especially when my dad passed away) and now he demands a paddle from me, Im not sure ill make him one. Im not a girl but id be vey offended, and you shouldnt be trying to fix anything your big sister should be apologizing to you.

MaggieXi · #10 11-20-2007, 09:43 AM

My big and I did not have the best relationship either. She could be very rude to me and many of the other sisters and we just stopped talking all together. I ended up developing a good relationship with another sister that was in her pledge class and although she never "adopted" me -- she felt like my big. I also developed good relationships with my little and grand-little who I still talk to today (7 years later).

You can't change your big's behavior. You can only change the way you react to it. If you love your sorority and are active in it, the relationship you have with her shouldn't effect it. If you can, look into being adopted. If not, look to get an awesome little next recruitment.

FSUZeta · #11 11-20-2007, 09:46 AM

heavens! i cannot believe that people would demand, expect and specify gifts. that is beyond rude.

find yourself an adoptive big sister and start over. is there some older member that you feel especially close to? someone who you have spent time with, had conversations with? while all big/little relationships aren't made in heaven, they should never be abusive. good luck to you.

and aepi man, if you are not feeling it for your big brother, don't make him a paddle.

AlethiaSi · #12 11-20-2007, 12:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mh*e

First, a disclaimer: this post is about gifts I gave my big during a week where all the new littles give their bigs presents in my chapter. I've talked to other sorority women who all seemed to think that this was unusual, so I just wanted to clear that up.

I don't want to get too into details here because I am sure that any number of people I know could be reading this (hi there), but basically, I did my VERY BEST to meet my big's specifications for the gifts she wanted, and how she wanted her paddle made.

However, she was unhappy with them. She really hurt my feelings by yelling at me saying that she thought the gifts/paddle were "insulting" and "disrespectful." Then... she said she would "allow" me to buy her a "new set of gifts." I told her flat-out that it would not be happening. And then...

I never heard from her (or my twin) again! AND... she removed me from her Greek family tree on Facebook (I have a twin who is still there).

I don't know if I should even bother trying to fix our relationship. I kind of miss having a "big" and a "twin" and it complicates my relationships with the rest of our "family"... but I kind of think she's crazy for demanding new gifts and dropping her little like a rock like that.

Also, she is officially dropping the sorority at the end of this semester.

What do you all think?

I agree with everyone, that is really rude. My Big and I didn't have much in common and sometimes we clashed, but ultimately, I know she was always there for me, and I could still call her up today, 2 years later and she'd still be there for me.
It is really unfortunate that your Big would treat you like that, I would talk to your New member educator, possibly the President, to let them know what's going on. This is mainly to protect you in case she starts saying things (lets hope it doesn't get to that, but just in case). Maybe they can handle the situation, or can help you talk to her, or can advise you otherwise.
Over time, I would see if an older sister would adopt you into their family line and focus on having a little and developing a great relationship with her, so that she doesn't have to go through what you have had to.
Good luck!

Deltazeta4ever · #13 11-20-2007, 07:29 PM

I "adopted" a little who found herself in a similar situation... she and her big just didn't see eye to eye. She became a wonderful part of my family (along with three other littles I love dearly) and her original big never said a word about it. It's been over 10 years and she is still one of my favorite sisters!

Hang in there -- if you love your chapter, please don't let one woman ruin it for you!

exlurker · #14 11-20-2007, 08:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mh*e

. . . my big's specifications for the gifts she wanted, and how she wanted her paddle made.

However, she was unhappy with them. She really hurt my feelings by yelling at me saying that she thought the gifts/paddle were "insulting" and "disrespectful." Then... she said she would "allow" me to buy her a "new set of gifts." I told her flat-out that it would not be happening. . . .

Also, she is officially dropping the sorority at the end of this semester.

What do you all think?

#1: Since she's dropping the sorority at the end of the semester, the problem is pretty much going to be solved in a few weeks, right? Just maintain your dignity, steer clear of her as much as possible, and as others have said try for special bonding relationships with other members.

#2: Maybe I was brought up incorrectly, but I was under the impression that the proper response to a gift was "thank you." Even if you hate it. Specifying exactly what you want from someone makes it not really a gift, but more an obligation. Rejecting a gift and demanding something else is something I would think of as socially improper. But that's just me.

trideltrockstar · #15 11-23-2007, 01:25 AM

I also had a bad experience with my big. We never spoke really, I never talked to her online or on the phone, I didn't even have her cell number. She ended up desisterizing a semester later. She was extremely shy, and not a mean person by any means, but we had nothing in common and would never have been friends. She didn't even tell me she was desisterizing, she didn't even tell us in chapter or send an email to the chapter...they just told us point blank and that was it.

I ended up getting adopted by another sister shortly afterwards, and now that I am a senior all the younger members think that she was always my big and don't even know about my first 'real' big.