Relationship - Taking a Break

AXO4Life · #1 05-09-2005, 10:45 AM

Just wanted to check with everyone out there:

This past Saturday my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years told me he "needs a break" to figure out if he still loves me or if he's just comfortable in the relationship and that's why he stays in it. We're only 21, so I know we're young, but after dating so long this really hurt me. The problem is, after three days, I know that I love him and I feel like he should know too...after all, you either miss spending time with a person or you dont.

Everyone I've talked to about this says it's really confusing becasue he keeps saying things like he doesnt want to break up and he doesn't want this break to be perminent and he still wants to go on a vacation with my family and I this summer. I just don't know how long I should go on with a breaking heart so that he can decide how he feels.

Does anyone have any insight?

33girl · #2 05-09-2005, 11:00 AM

Take the break. Let him have some space. That's a LONG time at your age to be together.

valkyrie · #3 05-09-2005, 11:00 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by AXO4Life
Everyone I've talked to about this says it's really confusing becasue he keeps saying things like he doesnt want to break up and he doesn't want this break to be perminent and he still wants to go on a vacation with my family and I this summer. I just don't know how long I should go on with a breaking heart so that he can decide how he feels.

If you are "taking a break," he does NOT get to go on vacation with you and your family unless the situation is resolved. PERIOD. He can't have it both ways.

Usually, I think "taking a break" is a person's way of saying "I want to break up but I'm too much of a wuss to come out and say it so let's try this" OR "I want to have sex with someone else." However, I do think it is possible, although rare, for someone to really need time to figure out what's up, which is hopefully what's happening here. If I were you I would NOT call or contact him in any way and see what happens. That will be excrutiating, but you're going to be far better off in the long run if you do that -- then, he'll come back if it's what he decides he wants and he won't if it's not, which is better than him coming back because you made him feel guilty by calling him all the time or what not. Just give him his space and see what happens.

astroAPhi · #4 05-09-2005, 12:43 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by valkyrie
If you are "taking a break," he does NOT get to go on vacation with you and your family unless the situation is resolved. PERIOD. He can't have it both ways.

Usually, I think "taking a break" is a person's way of saying "I want to break up but I'm too much of a wuss to come out and say it so let's try this" OR "I want to have sex with someone else." However, I do think it is possible, although rare, for someone to really need time to figure out what's up, which is hopefully what's happening here. If I were you I would NOT call or contact him in any way and see what happens. That will be excrutiating, but you're going to be far better off in the long run if you do that -- then, he'll come back if it's what he decides he wants and he won't if it's not, which is better than him coming back because you made him feel guilty by calling him all the time or what not. Just give him his space and see what happens.

I pretty much agree with valkyrie, but I wanted to add that I also think it's quite possible to give someone space without "taking a break". I mean, if he just wants to hang out with his friends some more to see if he misses being around you, I don't think that would have been so hard to ask for.

Do you know what he's doing with his time right now? How does it make YOU feel? If you feel you're the one doing all the sacrificing, then that's not right either.

Rudey · #5 05-09-2005, 01:00 PM

Have you recently changed phsyically?

-Rudey

jharb · #6 05-09-2005, 01:02 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by valkyrie
If you are "taking a break," he does NOT get to go on vacation with you and your family unless the situation is resolved. PERIOD. He can't have it both ways.

COSIGN!!

Peaches-n-Cream · #7 05-09-2005, 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by jharb
COSIGN!!

I wanted to cosign that part in valkyrie's post also. Actually, I agree with her entire post.

Rudey · #8 05-09-2005, 01:23 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Peaches-n-Cream
I wanted to cosign that part in valkyrie's post also. Actually, I agree with her entire post.

If you're a stud, you set the rules, not chicks on greekchat.

-Rudey

jharb · #9 05-09-2005, 01:40 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Rudey
If you're a stud, you set the rules, not chicks on greekchat.

-Rudey

What makes you so sure this guy is a stud and not a dud?

Rudey · #10 05-09-2005, 01:41 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by jharb
What makes you so sure this guy is a stud and not a dud?

He asked for the break, not her.

It is what it is right? She's on here worried and he's got the upper hand.

-Rudey

sugar and spice · #11 05-09-2005, 03:58 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by valkyrie

Usually, I think "taking a break" is a person's way of saying "I want to break up but I'm too much of a wuss to come out and say it so let's try this" OR "I want to have sex with someone else."

OR "There's this other girl, and the thing is, I like you way more than her, but she's a really naive girl and she's super into me, so I think she'll worship me way more than you do and probably put out more often -- so I'm just going to tell you that you and I are still kind of together because you're the girl I want to marry but meanwhile I'm going to deflower her and maybe she'll even let me do some kinky isht. Is that okay?"

Apparently I'm still bitter? "I think we should take a break" are is probably one of my most hated phrases in the English language.

No, honestly, I agree with valkyrie's post. There is a slight possibility that he really just does need to figure things out. Follow the no-contact rule and let him re-approach you. Usually, though, "let's take a break" is just the wimpy version of "I want to break up," so I feel like you should start preparing yourself for that possibility. And yes, he is NOT going on vacation with you if you're broken up. I did that with the ex right after our "break" stage (because we'd planned the trip beforehand) and it was a horrible idea. If he's not treating you like you're dating, he doesn't get the benefits of dating.

Honeykiss1974 · #12 05-09-2005, 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by valkyrie
If you are "taking a break," he does NOT get to go on vacation with you and your family unless the situation is resolved. PERIOD. He can't have it both ways.

Usually, I think "taking a break" is a person's way of saying "I want to break up but I'm too much of a wuss to come out and say it so let's try this" OR "I want to have sex with someone else." However, I do think it is possible, although rare, for someone to really need time to figure out what's up, which is hopefully what's happening here. If I were you I would NOT call or contact him in any way and see what happens. That will be excrutiating, but you're going to be far better off in the long run if you do that -- then, he'll come back if it's what he decides he wants and he won't if it's not, which is better than him coming back because you made him feel guilty by calling him all the time or what not. Just give him his space and see what happens.

I concur!

back in my single days, when I told a guy that I needed a "break" - it meant that I needed a break from him while I explored something/someone else - which if that somethng else worked out, I would then go back and tell the first guy that it's over, we're too young to get serious, blah, blah, blah.

I agree with everyone else - DO NOT take him on vacation with you and your family! use this vacation as your own "break".

emleepc · #13 05-09-2005, 04:35 PM

Valkyrie is right on in her post.

Also, to add to that.....Maybe "taking a break" is his way of letting you down easy. Sometimes that depends on the relationship's circumstances.

I recently went through something very similar to this situation.
Embrace this time!!! You may find out that you don't need this guy at all. I sure did. If he's going to take a break from you, to see other people or whatever, you should take advantage of this time to find out what you really want. This break could really open your eyes.

Maybe he is the right one, maybe he's not......at least take the time to find out.

James · #14 05-09-2005, 10:26 PM

Taking a break can mean different things to the person asking for the break. I'll speak only for guys.

Val is right when she says that usually its a wussy way to back into a break up.

Also, it can mean that the guy feels out of control of himself in the relationship. Maybe he finds himself spending more time with you than he believes he should, doing things that you want to do. Sacrificing things he thinks he should be doing. I see this at times with couples that spend a lot of their free time together. Sometimes girls can be really time intensive.

In that case taking some time would be his way of reasserting himself into his own life and the relationship.

However, thats a bad strategy to use because any type of break up weakens the relationship. Anytime you go into the break up, get back together mode you lose some of the magic. Some people do that on purpose. They break up and get back together because they can't stand the intensity of the infatuation and keep doing it until the relationship is "comfortable". But thats a digression.

Now that I have confused you some more I'll give you a different way of looking at this situation.

Your boyfriend just broke up with you. Thats what a break is. Thats why its called a break, as in break up. All he has said is that he might want to start going back out with you soon.

So what you have to do is act AS IF the relationship is over and behave accordingly. Go out, see other people, break off contact with him etc. Because as far as you know, he has broken up with you.

Oh and next time, tell him there are other strategies to use if you need a "break". You can plan little trips that don't include the person, you can invent a solitary project. All kinds of mature ways to do it that don't screw things up even if things work out. Because even if things do work out with him . . . he has already betrayed you.

Little shit.

angelic1 · #15 05-10-2005, 10:09 AM

ok.. i didnt notice that this was in this forum already.. so here is what i wrote in the other post...

missing spending time with someone is different than loving them..

i have had plenty of relationships where at the end I wasn't neccessarily still in love with the person more or less enjoyed hanging out with them and doing stuff together (i.e. as your boyfriend has questioned whether or not he is still in the relationship just bc he is comfortable)

him saying he wants to go on vacation with you.. can be confusing.. be he is confused himself about things right now.. thats why he is giving off mixed signals..