Playas till the day we die...

[marquise1911]

Yesterday at the Bar-B-Kue I was looking around and just watching. I noticed something that made me scratch my head. A lot of my older bruhs (35+) were still unmarried. As a matter of fact I could only count on one hand the older Nupes I know who are married. A lot of my bruhs have children (as evident by the droves of lil ones running a muck in dat park). A lot of my bruhs have women, but not wives (can't remember the last time I met a Silhouette). This felt like a glimpse into my future, as i am now back on da market with no aspirations of remarriage.

Ladies and Gents. What happened? I know this problem reaches far out of my fraternity. Black men period! I don't know many of my peers period who are in positive long term committed relationships or married. How will our people ever mend our family structure when we no longer value one of it's most essential ties.

[Maat]

good question...i wish i had an answer, but clearly i dont. i think these days we as a people just dont see the point of getting married...of establishing those long-term healthy relationships. shoot, some of us grow up without knowing what one of those really looks like, which can make it hard to enter into one on your own as you grow up.

i think what we need to do is take a good hard look at what society places value on and compare that to our own personal belief/value/moral system and re-evaluate who/what is REALLY driving our lives.

[1908Revelations]

Marquise, you picked a catching title for this thread. I looked at the title and was thinking *as if the outlook isn't already bleek*

I can honestly say that only one of my friends has a boyfriend and thier realationship is too new to bank on. All of my friends are single (including myself), or single in a 'limbo' type of situation where the guy acts as if he dosen't know what he wants. I think I would feel better about this if some of my peers were in a long-term committed relationship, then I would have hope. Now, don't get me wrong there are individuals who are in great relationships, but I was speaking for my peers as mentioned.

[marquise1911]

Damn. As a man I almost feel wierd voicing my opposition to the current plight of the black family structure. Our society applauds men who say "I'm into having sex I ain't into making love". But there has got to be more. I was looking at the AKA thread on adoption and thought how many of those adoption dreams would never be realized as they are "waiting on a hubby". By the time this happens for some, those children would have had children of their own. My brothers... we need to GET IT TOGETHER!!!

[BlueReign]

Originally Posted by marquise1911

This felt like a glimpse into my future, as i am now back on da market with no aspirations of remarriage.

Originally Posted by marquise1911

My brothers... we need to GET IT TOGETHER!!!

Are you contradicting yourself? What was your reason for starting this thread? Cause you know it's gonna be a heated one!!

I've been married, lived with a man, and have been proposed to at least 3 times in my lifetime. I know what marriage is and what it aint. I remember being really mad when my father said to me once when I was just 18, that old something about the cow and the milk being free. Back then, I was like WTH? Oh what did he know? I have found through many a broken heart that those old-fashioned values hold true.

I listened to my pastor a few years ago saying something like most women only react to what they think the man wants. Many women DO NOT want to be promiscuous. fSome women have not had the proper upbringing or wisdom instilled in them from their parents. Yet, some of them have but what they hear everyday from their peers/music/movies, etc. makes them behave otherwise. If young women start carrying themselves like a prize and waiting for the man to take his proper place as a man ... well 357 Nupe said it best.

[marquise1911]

Originally Posted by BlueReign

Are you contradicting yourself? What was your reason for starting this thread? Cause you know it's gonna be a heated one!!

No if you read carefully I am not contradicting myself. I simply stated that I was single again, with no aspirations of remarriage. That is the outcome of the last 5yrs of experience. I made the wise decision not to mess up anyone else's life, while working out my issues. I rather pour myself into my family and my education while I work things out. Will I get married again? Who nows. But that is not my focus in life and again not a present aspiration. Yet when I asked brothers to get it together, that is because we honestly need to. All of us have been hurt, but a lot of men use that as an excuse to whore and hurt women. Some men never give anyone the chance to hurt them. Women too have been hurt and because of that they make every man they date a "self fulfilling prophecy". The world is now filled with Bag Ladies and Icebox Men.

My reason for starting this thread was to simply state my observations. I have a chapter of 20 brothers and more friends/associates than I can count. HOW IN DA BLUE HELL CAN I NOT FIND A SINLGE ONE IN A POSITIVE LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP!!!

Something must me wrong.

[OneTimeSBX]

i dont think it is the men's fault 100%. we, as women, need to learn how to gently put our foot down when it comes to relationships. we cant threaten you all into marrying us. we cant get knocked up and trap you. what we can do (but usually dont) is follow thru on our threats. i had to do that, didnt want to, but it got to that point with my now fiance. i had to explain to him that after 4 years, if there was not a good reason to stay shacked up, that i was leaving. i packed my stuff and left. i didnt want a ring, i didnt want a proposal, i wanted a PLAN. thats what i got!

maybe im wrong, but thats what most women want: an intention to do right by us!

[1908Revelations]

Originally Posted by OneTimeSBX

maybe im wrong, but thats what most women want: an intention to do right by us!

WOW!!!! If my phone tapped or what?!?!

[OneTimeSBX]

my mom always tells us: why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free...

i thought that was soo corny but it makes a world of sense now! there are some men who have hooked up pumps to their cows and are milking them dry!!

eta: women also need to carry themselves higher than they do. i know there is a shortage of men but you have to act as though you are the sh**, you are beautiful, and life is too short to waste time on someone who doesnt know what they want!

[dzdst796]

Being single is not a crime. As women we need to let the man know exactly what we want (if you know what you want). When I met my husband I told him from the door " I have enough friends. We can see if this is going to go somewhere or if that is not what you are looking for then bye-bye." We were married 3 years later.

I also believe that if the man is not ready to be in a committed relationship trying to force the issue with ultimatums is not the way to get him to be ready. You have to be willing to let the other person know exactly what you want. If you just want to date then say so. Fellas when she tries to be slick and slide in the "M" word, if you are not ready for that or if she is not the one you want to be with then let her know. Don't string her along. The same goes for you ladies. If you get a man and you know he is leaning towards the "M" word and you are not let him know.

One last thing there is NOTHING wrong with being single in your mid 30's. My sister is 42 single, a business owner, is doing her thing and is HAPPY. She is not going to get married because EVERYONE else thinks she should be. She will do it when she wants to if ever.

[Still BLUTANG]

Originally Posted by OneTimeSBX

...i know there is a shortage of men...

this is a lie that we've got to stop believing. there is NO shortage of "good black men" or whatever color you want them to be. i know a lot of good ones, the problem exists because these good guys just aren't marriage-minded.

back in the day men knew women were a "prize" to be won, if that's not too much of a misogynist statement. Men knew they had to work to get a good woman. however, roles have switched. Now, the brothers who have it together KNOW they are in demand, and thus, they can "play" longer and think about marriage later than ever.

[OneTimeSBX]

Originally Posted by Still BLUTANG

this is a lie that we've got to stop believing. there is NO shortage of "good black men" or whatever color you want them to be. i know a lot of good ones, the problem exists because these good guys just aren't marriage-minded.

oh i know there isnt a shortage of good men, we just outnumber them quite a bit , and between the jailbirds, lunatics, and down low guys, we have to be careful. you are exactly right, men know that women assume there "arent any good guys left" (which is a lie, i have 2 single, successful, professional uncles who have never married and are in their 40's...) and they run with it.

men who settle down (granted she isnt a crazed drama queen) are healthier, happier people. im not saying MARRIAGE because that is a dirty word for some guys, but they have the advantage. its the few losers who play the field like they are getting paid for it, that ruin it for the good guys and they have to deal with us women with our guards up.

[OOhsoflyDELTA#9]

Originally Posted by OneTimeSBX

maybe im wrong, but thats what most women want: an intention to do right by us!

LIVED IT!!!!! (we are (((((((((((here)))))))))))))))) 1908Revelations)

Marquise1911, there are good successful men out there who want a family and everything that comes with it....I'm dating one and he happens to be your frat....I kissed a couple of frogs but I may have finally found my prince...

to address your question, I do believe we as women don't demand the men in our lives to step up to the plate in relationships....we often buy into that "piece of man" is better then no man syndrome.....we have to demand and expect better...I had to realize I couldn't and shouldn't want to raise a grown a$$ man....never again....but hopefully I'm done with all that now...

[357Nupe]

I wanted to quote a bunch of stuff on this topic, but I thought I will just say my peace.

I am a married man (12 years 12/10/94), with quite a few married friends, most are happy or not mad enough to leave. This thread is a point of conversation for us quite often, from why we got married to do we want to stay married.

Our answers can be summed up as follows:

We all found our wives, persued our wives, caught (clubbed over the head, talked that good ish, etc..) our wives, and married our wives. We also found that none of us had been pressured or made to set a timeline or any other buzzword women use to say are you going to marry me anytime soon or where is this relationship going.

Now I know my next statement is going to start something but here goes, It is not a woman's place(role) to tell a men she is ready to be married, now a woman can leave if she feels the relationship is going nowhere but a man will ask when he knows the relationship is ready for that step. With that said every woman should have standards in her head and if he is not up to those standards, LEAVE HIM.

If you look at how marriage was setup women were not put in the finding role but in the accepting role. If he meets your standards you accept him if not dump him. I luckly met the extremely high standards my wife had and has and she accepted me.

In conclusion when men and women understand their roles in relationships the outcome is a lot clearer and easier to obtain. We as men have forgotten our place and ladies you have decided since we can't figure it out you will take over, and sorry to say it does not work. Thats just my thoughts I could be wrong but my 12 happy years say I may be on the right track.

[OneTimeSBX]

Originally Posted by 357Nupe

Now I know my next statement is going to start something but here goes, It is not a woman's place(role) to tell a men she is ready to be married, now a woman can leave if she feels the relationship is going nowhere but a man will ask when he knows the relationship is ready for that step. With that said every woman should have standards in her head and if he is not up to those standards, LEAVE HIM.

here's a ?? though...

is it fair to leave a man high and dry without letting him know why? and in letting him know why, arent you telling that man i am ready/waiting on you?

i know it is grounds to get my feelings hurt if i go in with that "marry me or else" attitude. HOWEVER...i am not going to sit back and shack up and not at least let you know my feelings. i find it to be quite helpful when i hear exactly what he's thinking. and at the same time, i know plenty of women who sit and wait forever and he never says anything about marriage/settling down.

are we as women supposed to sit and wait for you all to tell us what you want? or should men step up and lay it all on the table for us at the beginning of the relationship or once your feelings change one way or the other?