Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying

Dionysus · #1 12-20-2006, 09:09 PM

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/17/fa...c45&ei=5087%0A

Some of those questions are kind of cheesy. Like #7, wtf? What questions will you ask?

Scandia · #2 12-20-2006, 09:15 PM

I do not think any of them are cheesy. However, I would have put the bedroom TV one at the bottom. The order and ranking of the rest is fine- and I do agree that kids/no kids is the top dealbreaker.

Regarding the TV- while I would joyfully put a second TV in the house even if only two people live there, I dunno if to put one in the master bedroom.

I liked question 13. There are some things that may seem trivial but that you should not have to give up or be asked to give up.

Drolefille · #3 12-20-2006, 10:26 PM

As an advocate of pre-marital "counseling" (by which I mean talking to someone trained in some way shape or form) I like these. And yeah, the TV isn't the highest on the list, but it can become a bone of contention and some people can't sleep with light/noise etc.

My parents did "pre-Cana" with couples from our church and would discuss all these topics, or more importantly, have the couples discuss it amongst themselves. My favorite part was that they'd have to eat dinner with the whole family. Kind of a "and here's what dinner with children (four in our case) is really like" thing. Couples who work this sort of thing out ahead of time both know what they're getting into and have a firmer base to work out unforseen issues.

No one has to ask the questions as they're written, but knowing that about your S.O. will make you better off in the long run.

/generic "you"

AGDee · #4 12-20-2006, 10:58 PM

Those are great and while I agree that they are important, they aren't a guarantee. Sometimes, a person changes and their answers to those are no longer the same and you've already said "I do". THAT can cause a lot of issues also. For instance, before marriage "Yes, I will convert to Catholicism and raise the kids Catholic, no problem!" ... after marriage "I am now a born again Christian who gives $5000 a year to televangelists and believes the Catholic church is evil so my kids can't go to that church". OR: "Yes, I agree that we should move to a southern state before the kids start school.. particularly, to North Carolina" becomes "I'm not going anywhere, I don't want to be far from my family or friends and I like my job here." Or "Of course we should split the housework 50-50, and I'll learn to cook and help clean the house" to "I mow the lawn every week, what more do you want from me?"

Yeah, it's important to discuss all those things, it's a whole 'nother ballgame to LIVE the answers to those questions!

AlexMack · #5 12-20-2006, 11:07 PM

Some of these questions are a really good advocate for living together before marriage. For some people that's not cool and I understand that, but it's also very telling to understand and live with another person's personal habits. If you really can't work it out before marriage, a ring ain't gonna make a difference.

AKA_Monet · #6 12-21-2006, 10:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dionysus

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/17/fa...c45&ei=5087%0A

Some of those questions are kind of cheesy. Like #7, wtf? What questions will you ask?

Other than AGDee, who else is married here? Kevin, did you just get married?

I ask because I think you can have all these beliefs and thoughts about marriage until you actually are... And even after you have lived with dude or chick for a significant number of years, the ballgame changes once you all acquire the license after solemnization...

I guess, for me, I am getting closer to my husband that I have EVER been in a short amount of time. We were planning to live together because dayum we were old enuf, but decided against it and got married because we were not reared that way...

Some folks can handle living together. We required a legalized document to call the po-po if either of us failed to come home after a preset time...

But, I don't care how it works for some folks and +/-marriage...

I think if you sign up and solemnize this license, it is a privelege to be in each others company. Then at least do it wisely. I would do everything short of a colonoscopy to determine what I want to "tolerate"... Sometimes there are just "deal breakers", like being too hairy in strange places... Or male sitting on toilets to urinate...

And what's good for the goose is good for the gander...

KSigkid · #7 12-22-2006, 09:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Other than AGDee, who else is married here? Kevin, did you just get married?

I ask because I think you can have all these beliefs and thoughts about marriage until you actually are... And even after you have lived with dude or chick for a significant number of years, the ballgame changes once you all acquire the license after solemnization...

I guess, for me, I am getting closer to my husband that I have EVER been in a short amount of time. We were planning to live together because dayum we were old enuf, but decided against it and got married because we were not reared that way...

Some folks can handle living together. We required a legalized document to call the po-po if either of us failed to come home after a preset time...

But, I don't care how it works for some folks and +/-marriage...

I think if you sign up and solemnize this license, it is a privelege to be in each others company. Then at least do it wisely. I would do everything short of a colonoscopy to determine what I want to "tolerate"... Sometimes there are just "deal breakers", like being too hairy in strange places... Or male sitting on toilets to urinate...

And what's good for the goose is good for the gander...

I've been married for about a year and a half - and while my wife and I discussed a bunch of things before we were married, I don't think we went down any list of "Must ask questions."

Of course, we also lived with each other for two years prior to getting married, so we knew what we were getting into prior to marriage.

I agree though that marital advice is one of those things where every person thinks they're an expert, right up there with politics and children.

lauralaylin · #8 12-22-2006, 09:52 AM

My husband is Catholic, so before we got married we had to take a day long class that asked us a bunch of these questions, and they even gave us a book with worksheets. I wish we had kept them because there was a lot of good info in them. They asked questions like that list, but also along the lines of who are you going to tell our personal info to, would you leave if your spouse cheated, etc. I knew the answers to most of these questions before the class, but now that I have a lot of friends divorcing, I'm realizing how many people don't know this stuff before getting married.

As for the tv question, that could have been a huge one for me. I'm a light sleeper and an insomniac, so if my husband needed the tv to fall asleep, we'd be sleeping in different rooms. Luckily that isn't the case!

33girl · #9 12-22-2006, 10:22 AM

TV in the bedroom kills your sex life. Period. Unless you're a couple who likes to watch porn to get aroused and you only use it for that.

AGDee · #10 12-22-2006, 12:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Other than AGDee, who else is married here? ..

Just to clarify.. I'm not married, I'm divorced.. (twice). and bitter (twice) and won't EVER do that again!

OOhsoflyDELTA#9 · #11 12-22-2006, 12:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

TV in the bedroom kills your sex life. Period. Unless you're a couple who likes to watch porn to get aroused and you only use it for that.

I don't understand how this is true

...when the mood hits how does the TV get in the way....hell it can actually serve as "sound control" if there's kids in the house....

33girl · #12 12-22-2006, 12:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OOhsoflyDELTA#9

I don't understand how this is true

...when the mood hits how does the TV get in the way....hell it can actually serve as "sound control" if there's kids in the house....

You fall asleep watching TV and don't do the nasty.

valkyrie · #13 12-22-2006, 01:06 PM

I can't imagine how people could be to the point of getting married and NOT know these things about each other. I mean, duh.

Also, I think the best way to learn this kind of thing is from experience, not by talking about it. For example, you can have a million conversations about how the household will be maintained, but until you actually live together, you won't really know how it's going to work.

OOhsoflyDELTA#9 · #14 12-22-2006, 01:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

You fall asleep watching TV and don't do the nasty.

ohhhhh well luckily the TV hadn't interfered like that on the homefront....I've always had one in my bedroom since childhood...I actually can't imagine not having a tv in the bedroom....anyhoo how i understand your POV....I guess if that was a problem I would have to boot the tv out.....

Dionysus · #15 12-22-2006, 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by valkyrie

I can't imagine how people could be to the point of getting married and NOT know these things about each other. I mean, duh.

Also, I think the best way to learn this kind of thing is from experience, not by talking about it. For example, you can have a million conversations about how the household will be maintained, but until you actually live together, you won't really know how it's going to work.

I agree. All of these conversations leave too much room for lying.