How do I handle this situation?

ADPiShannan · #1 04-20-2006, 08:53 AM

So I need some advice.

I am in a wedding this fall. The bride is a good friend, her groom is my husbands best friend from when they were 5. My husband is the best man.

The matron of honor lives in Hawaii. This wedding is here in Ohio. I asked the bride and her mom if I could throw her a bridal shower since it is back in my hometown where everything is at and I know the area well, plus I love to plan all of this.

She agreed because she said the maid of honor may not even be able to make it being in Hawaii and moving in the fall and that I could plan it.

I decided to include the bridesmaids in this. Ive emailed them every step on advice and all sorts of stuff. Well the maid of honor hates everything.

She emailed me a very rude email last night and said she will do the invitations and the door prizes as she is the maid of honor and that is the person who is suppose to host it and do the planning.

So I sent her a very sweet email again telling her that is fine and we want her to feel like she is incluced even if she is in Hawaii.

So again this morning I get another email about how she found these plates and she is going to buy them and if we dont like them, shell take take them back. This email was not so nice though. It basically makes you feel bad if you tell her you dont like what she wants.

She hates the favors I picked out, doesnt want the cake I ordered.....

She is nothing but trouble. Now I didnt have to ask the bridesmaids to do anything. I should have just done it all myself so it wouldnt be a problem, but I thought this was nice. Now I am stuck with this really big Bee and I hate her. I am tired of her crap, tired of how she hates all the ideas.

What do I do? I mean I emailed the bride and told her, this girl had me in tears over this. I feel like she hates me and everything I think of. Here I wanted to throw a nice good party since I am good at it, but she obviously hates everything.....

I mean shes in Hawaii. The other girls and I were going to go shopping to get the paper supplies and products and I had already got some candles and some napkins and shes like I found this in Hawaii Ill just get it, she knew we planned to go shopping. Does she just not want us to all hang out without her or what? I mean I dont even know her. I think she is too peeved that I am planning this and not her. Why take it out on me though? Its not my fault she isnt here.

She just upsets me so much. Ive been in tears all morning because I wanted to do something nice for a good friend, whom I asked if I could throw the shower.

How am I going to last all the way to August with her. I mean we planned to decorate before she got here because of her flight time, but if she buys everything well have to wait for her.

I need some advice. How to handle the bee maid of honor.

I mean the bride was like oh well if she cant show, she didnt even care as much if the maid of honor could be there or not. I think she is afraid to tell the maid of honor though. She hates confrontation and she doesnt want her to be mad. She told me she didnt even want her as maid of honor it was just they promised each other and she was her maid of honor.

If she doesnt stick up for me planning this though, the maid of honor will not care.

adpiucf · #2 04-20-2006, 01:23 PM

Tell the MOH that if she would like to plan something special for the bride, then you'd be happy to help her out. Then explain you are throwing a local shower for the bride.

End of story. I know your mouth may be agape and you may be thinking, "But she's the MOH!" Well, yes she is, and it is her job to plan a shower. She's not. It is not uncommon for brides to have multiple showers given by family, friends, co-workers and even their attendants. Consider the event you are throwing to be one of these supplementary showers.

The bride's first mistake was appointing an MOH so far away. If the title was that important, she should have had two MOH's-- one local to support her in the wedding planning and one for the honorary title.

That is the beautiful thing about weddings. It is the bride's day, so she really can do whatever she wants.

Don't let the woman in HI get to you and keep on with your plans. This isn't about her; it is about planning a nice event for your friend, the bride. And it is also about planning a local event with local resources and without driving you to tears!

Dry your eyes, sister, and good luck! I hope this advice helps you out.

ETA: I don't know this MOH, but is does seem terribly cost prohibitive to purchase paper goods in the Pacific Islands and ship them to the States... Just wanted to put that in. If the majority (the other maids) are satisfied with the plans, move forward. She's one person and she's really far away. She can't hurt you.

ADPiShannan · #3 04-20-2006, 01:51 PM

Thanks for that.

I would never say this to the MOH and maybe the bride just said this to me, but I took her everywhere and helped her plan her wedding. She said that day we were out planning, you should have been the MOH but Abbie (the MOH) would have killed me if I didnt ask her. I said no problem, I just think she is the MOH from hell.

Shes not even here and shes annoying us all. I think we just need to put out foot down and say hey we'll get it no worries. If she gets mad and complains to the bride, she does it.

I just hate the bride being stressed over this girl.

HBADPi · #4 04-20-2006, 02:17 PM

This brings back fun memories of the last wedding I was in. The MOH was horrible. She actually didnt ask any of us for advice, she asked each of us to pitch in 50 bucks for decorations for the shower and bachelorette party gifts. Well the shower was actually hosted by the groom's family and they were the ones who sent out the invitation, decorated, bought the cake, etc. She didnt do SQUAT. Then for the bachelorette party, she didnt even buy the bride any drinks, the gift we gave the bride was a plastic tiara, a plastic shot glass, some paper plates and napkins that said "Bachelorette Party" on them, and a balloon. Now I'm still trying to figure out where the $50 x 4 bridesmaids was spent. Oh I should also mention she showed up late the day of the wedding, didnt help the bride get ready because she decided to stay at her bf's, and one of the church ladies had to run down the aisle to fix the bride's train twice because MOH just stood there.

Anyway good luck to you, I'm starting to feel there is a power trip that gets to some MOH and they sometimes forget why they are MOH. Honestly I just say continue doing what you're doing and try and keep calm for the bride's sake. After all, your friends with her not the MOH and you dont want the bride getting upset at you either for complaining about her MOH too much. I hope that came out right but my point is I think you're justified in being hurt and upset but the bride is still friends with this girl for whatever reason and wanted her as MOH so there isnt much you can do in that respect. Chin up! August will be here before you know it and just know that the bride deep down knows and appreciates how much you are doing for her while her MOH is away.

adpiucf · #5 04-20-2006, 03:13 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ADPiShannan
Shes not even here and shes annoying us all. I think we just need to put out foot down and say hey we'll get it no worries. If she gets mad and complains to the bride, she does it.

I just hate the bride being stressed over this girl.

You are such a good friend to the bride and I am sure you will plan a lovely shower. Ignore any rude emails and phone calls from the MOH. I am sure it will be all roses and kisses on the wedding day, but even if it is not, you strike me as the kind of person to smile sweetly and turn the other cheek. Good for you!

Remember to have fun and have a great bridal shower! I hope putting the MOH on "ignore" is a large weight off your shoulders! This is supposed to be fun and I hope it gets back to that fun place for all the attendants and the bride!!

ASUADPi · #6 04-20-2006, 05:22 PM

Ditto to what Abbey said.

I was lucky for my friends wedding. She had a Matron and Maid of honor. Both live out of state. I emailed both first and told them I was planning a shower with the bridesmaids. They were both cool (her sister actually managed to come).

I'm so sorry that the MOH is being a total witch to you. To me is sounds like pure jealously that she isn't there (in Ohio), but it's like "the bride didn't force you to move to Hawaii". Plus, it's not about the MOH it's about the bride.

JaimeNicole · #7 04-20-2006, 05:25 PM

this might be mean, but i would stop involving the MOH. she lives in HI, and like you said, might not even be able to make the party.

i wouldnt let her know i wasnt including her, i would just stop CCing emails to her

.

Do any of the other bridesmaids have close relationships with this woman? maybe they can provide some insight on how to "deal" with her.

she's probably just bitter. im sure you are planning an great party for your friend, be proud of yourself!

ADPiShannan · #8 04-21-2006, 07:57 AM

There are 4 people in the wedding, girl wise. The MOH in Hawaii, the grooms sister, me, and a friend of both the bride and groom.

Ive know the grooms sister since I started dating my hubby back in HS so, 9 years and Ive known the friend of the groom, since they met so about 5 years. None of us have ever met the MOH. Now I would not say the rest of us are all friends, but we know each other and have had hung out at parties and such with each other, she is the only one noone knows.

I may take you up on the advice not to email her for a while. I mean she doesnt need to know every detail, if she does, she will just bee about whats in Hawaii that she could get better, but for lots more money.

I am able to get the bridal invites made up from a company for free and they do printing and all. I had a account with them and have money left on it. So I can get the shower invites for no cost. Well she doesnt like that. She says she wants to buy them at a store and print them off her printer at home.

Its mean, but I think I'm going to get the bride to decide which invites she wants. I mean why not take something thats free

kddani · #9 04-21-2006, 08:05 AM

Sorry to crash, but I love threads like this

One thing I would advise would be too keep this stress away from the bride. While the bride has a right to know that the MOH is being a Beeeotch with a capital B, she's got enough stress going on with planning the wedding.

The MOH sounds like a pushy control freak. I agree with whoever said above that she's nuts for wanting to buy all the paper stuff in Hawaii and bring it. And what happens if she says she wants to do all this stuff then bails and doesn't even come to the shower? Then you're left up the creek without a paddle.

I would probably go with cutting her out of the emails. This you may want to try to explain to the bride, "Look, Suzy Q is not being helpful and is making everything into a crazy stressful power battle. I told you that I was taking on this responsibility of your shower and I want to have the best day possible for you. But in order to do that, I'm going to have to leave Suzy out of the loop on some things, because she's just making it impossible. I just wanted to let you know. I don't expect or want you to get in the middle of it, but didn't want you to be surprised"

Or something along those lines.

Good luck.... weddings are supposed to be a happy, joyous occasions, but some schmucks have to go and ruin it with their selfishness.

wrigley · #10 04-21-2006, 10:38 AM

Pardon me for crashing.

Shannan you're heart was in the right place when you wanted to share with the other BM's and MOH the details. I'd write just one last email to the MOH. Thank her for her opinion but inform her that as the hostess, YOU have the situation under control as well as the guest list. She can do what she wants with her favors but you won't be using them. Your decision is final. Kindly remind her this is about THE BRIDE and not her. Just tell her when it is and all she has to do is show up or not. Nothing more and nothing less. Delete her future emails if they show up in your mailbox.

If she feels so inclined, encourage the MOH to host another event involving her choices as to the butcher, baker, and candlestick maker.

Let the bride know that you know its her shower and that you'll try to make it as stress free as possible for her and her mom. Apologize to the bride if the MOH tries to involve her in any more long distance mini-drama. You have the invitations and everything else under control. All she has to do is show up and have fun.

You'll do a great job.

WLFEO · #11 06-02-2006, 12:08 PM

This was an interesting thread! Are there any updates?

ADPiShannan · #12 06-02-2006, 01:47 PM

Not a huge update because we arent really talking shower stuff till August, but heres a few things.

Well the MOH got mad at us because we picked out some invitations we liked but she didnt want them because she didnt pick them out.

She ended up calling the bride and crying to her about it and the brides like let her do the invites so shell stop bitching. The bride wanted the invites we picked out but didnt want to hear it anymore. The MOH emailed all of us and was like ok so we are going with my invites basically laughing that she got the bride to go with her idea.

Since then we havent had much contact with her. The bride says shes a stay at home mom and is living for all of this so we just ignore her lol.

The invites need to be sent out in August so we all decided not to email her until July or so so we dont have to listen to her lol...

One other thing, she asked one of the bridesmaids to hold off getting pregnant. I guess the MOH and one of the bridesmaids both wanted to get pregnant to have another baby and when the bridesmaid said she was going to start trying the MOH emailed her and was like do you think you can hold off and why dont you not get pregnant and wait for the wedding to be over... We think its because she wants all the attention and didnt want someone else pregnant even though this is the brides day lol....

The bridemaid emailed us all about a 3 weeks ago to say she is one month pregnant and since then the MOH hasnt emailed her or talked to any of us. I dont know if that is why but I know she is jealous because she told the bride she was going to get her hubby to try every day now so she can get pregnant...

Im telling you she is crazy... I dont know what Ill do when I meet her. I mean she is wacko...

adpiucf · #13 06-02-2006, 02:52 PM

I think when you meet, you should do the introductions and say, "Hi, just to get it out of the way, and just so you know... We already don't like you. You have come off as a complete psycho and we have zero interest in accomodating your insanity. I thought it would help for you to know that you've really done a bang-up job of portraying yourself as someone that none of us could ever hope to be friends with. Well, thanks for coming all this way! Do us a favor and don't talk to us. For the sake of the bride, we're here to have fun and show her a good time. But we really don't like you. Kthx!"

Seriously. Throw it right back in her face.

ASUADPi · #14 06-02-2006, 09:38 PM

OMG Shannan she's a total PSYCHO.

It's not Bridezilla, it's Maidzilla. LOL.

She was probably one of those people that if her friend made an A, she made an A+; if her friend got engaged, she made sure to get married first (and get pregnant first).

She reminds me of one of those munchausen by proxy (which I'm totally spelling wrong), who poisen/injure their kids just so they can get the attention. So sad!

BobbyTheDon · #15 06-03-2006, 03:06 AM

I bet you she's fat. Fat girls always act like that. Just feed them some fig newtons (cake, not cookie) and they'll be alright.