Sorority Problems

Greek Cutie · #1 12-26-2000, 07:01 PM

I just joined a sorority recently and I can't believe some of the stuff that I hear from my sisters. They talk about some of our other sisters behind their backs, they compete for guys that they know one of our other sisters likes, and they say how some of our sisters aren't really a good XYZ (our sorority name). It makes me so upset. I thought that sisterhood was about love, support, and friendship. I know that when you have a huge group of girls not everyone is going to get along, but you are still sisters and that calls for putting your differences aside and respecting other members of your organization. I would do anything for my sisters (even the sisters that I don't go out with all the time) and it frustrates me that some of these girls are so catty, judgmental, and two-faced. Do any of you have this problem too or is it just our sorority? I don't even know what to do about it and it just makes me wonder if some of my sisters are talking about me behind my back since they are talking about so many of my other sisters behind their back.

PenguinTrax · #2 12-26-2000, 07:27 PM

Cutie,

What you are experiencing is pretty normal, especially in a large chapter. Cliques form within a large group, whether it is a sorority, a high school or an office.

My advice? Be the best sister you can be and set the example for everyone else. Associate with those sisters that you respect and respect you in return. If one of your sisters tries to involve you in a conversation you feel is 'catty' or unsisterly, politely tell the girl that you don't feel it's your place to talk about "Suzie", "Janet's boyfriend" or whatever and that it does not reflect well on the sisterhood you know to be found in the chapter.

If people talk about you behind your back, there is nothing you can do about it. Ignore it and associate with people that make you feel good. Those sisters that really know and respect you won't believe the rumors, anyhow.

Remember..people will only value you as much as you value yourself.

Barb
Alumna and Rush Forum Moderator

adpi pride · #3 12-27-2000, 03:08 AM

what i have found in my chapter is that there are groups of girls that are very sisterly and there are groups that can be somewhat catty. i do everything in my power to associate the most with girls that are sisterly. i told some of the girls how much it upset me to hear them discussing our sisters behind their backs, and they have been pretty nice about trying not to do it in front of me. maybe you could talk to some of the girls (if its mostly being done by a few of the girls). otherwise, if they are being mean, leave the room. that will show that you dont want to hear it (but its important to always be nice about it so that you dont come off as holier-than-thou). This approach has worked well for me.

Kymberleigh · #4 12-28-2000, 12:11 AM

Greek Cutie,

I'm sorry your dealing with that. It sounds pretty bad. I guess it's the whole concept that it's okay to mess with your family, but if anyone else does then it's trouble. I just wish you didn't have to deal with it.

I guess I'm lucky, because our chapter is really close. I mean of course some issues do arise, but luckily there are enough people who would/will call you out on something if you talk badly of another sister. So, that type of thing doesn't happen so much. I think the fact that we only have 70 sisters also plays a role in the closeness.

Kymberleigh
Delta Delta Delta

Hootie · #5 12-28-2000, 03:54 AM

I know in my chapter we have what we call "Chi-O Courtesy". Basically what that means is if I dated a guy, showed interest in a guy (and that interest was expressed to a sister), he's off limits to my sisters. They have to ask permission from me to date him. It's just a nice thing to do, because there would be nothing more uncomfortable than seeing an exboyfriend with a sister at, for example, formal! Maybe this is a new policy your chapter can adopt. Believe me, it helps!

TriSig · #6 12-28-2000, 02:09 PM

You know your sorority sounds just like mine, I wonder if we are in the same one? The way that I usually deal with this issue is to just stay out of it. I hear all the bad things, and I let it ride itself out. At our meetings we have a time called open forum, which we can speak what is onour minds. If you have anything like that maybe the best thing would be to read this letter that you have written and tell them how you feel, then it is not confronting one singled out person, but the group, and then challenge the group to keep this in mind next time the open their mouths. One of our most trusted values, is "to never speak evil of a sisters goog name, or that of her family." remind them of the heartache that their behaviour enstills.

Kirsten

soror6 · #7 12-29-2000, 01:24 AM

I am sorry that you are going through this. It is very unfortunate, and I wish that you could have seen this type of "personality deficiency"

before you joined your organization. Although I really have not had to deal with this situation, I will put myself in your place in order to give you a little advice. I think it sucks that these women are behaving in this manner, however as a member, it is now partly your problem. I say this because I feel like If people discount their sister's behavior and say nothing to them, They will probably go on thinking it is okay. It's not. They are an outside reflection of your organization at all times, and they need to realize what they are doing makes them look bad, and is automatically assumed to be part of the character of your house. That in turn can adversely affect the type of people that want to join your organization at your school. Since they respect you enough to make you a part of the sisterhood, respect the sisterhood enough to say something to them. I know it may be hard, but there are tactful ways to do it. If they still do not change, at least you will know that you tried, and they will know from one of their own that someone has a problem with their behavior. I have been a member of a BGLO for almost 10 years, and I come from an extremely close knit chapter. I am not used to having to deal with 100's of personalities at one time in our chapter (We usually only allow a maximum of 10 people per line) so we have a tendency to protect our image and relationships with each other a little differently. I think that hootie has a good idea with Chi-O courtesy. Even though this should be a given, I know it must be a little more difficult when you are dealing with 100's of women in the same house, as opposed to 25. Maybe you guys could adopt something similar. Also, I don't know how you do Chapter meetings and rituals, but sometimes it may help if your house reads aloud from your rituals or sorority history books at meetings. Sometimes hearing an excerpt of the wonderful history that you are a part of can remind you of how important it is to keep the history alive. Many of our founders (all organizations) went through ALOT to accomplish what they did when we were all founded 10's of 100's of years ago, and sometimes a little reminder of that history and legacy doesn't hurt.

Do your best to live up to your expectations, and I am sure that someone will be inspired by the benefits of being a good sister like you. If not, remember that all XYZ's won't become your friends, and all your friends won't become XYZ's! Good Luck Greek Cutie!!!

Jennifer B.
Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc.
Theta Epsilon Chapter - Spring '91

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#8 01-02-2001, 11:19 PM

Something also to think about. I'm not sure how your sisterhood is structured. But several of them have an office that handles "Sisterhood Improvement". You might sugguest some activites that might help to strengthen the bonds between the sisters. Many times catty-ness between groups is due to the walls that many of us have built around us still existing between sisters. One activity that might strengthen bonds can be as simple as for a dinner (given that you have a house and a monthly/weekly dinner), have assigned seating seperating those that typically sit together.

33girl · #9 01-03-2001, 12:24 AM

As far as people saying so and so isn't a good XYZ...just combat that by saying something positive. "Oh, she really helped me a lot with the dance-a-thon last month" or "I was having a problem in one of my classes and she gave me all her old notes." People will feel stupid saying negative things if they continually get positive responses. Everyone has a different perception of what a good member is, we just have to recognize that and accept some people will be the social butterflies...some people will be the shoulder to cry on at 3 AM...etc.

As far as the guy thing, ugh. It all depends how small your campus is and how insular the Greeks are about dating each other. In my case, it was very and very!! We had a lot of inter-dating, which if you think about it kind of is understandable...if you all have a lot in common with each other, isn't it understandable that you would be attracted to the same guys? We just decided to be little 60's hippie children about it and say "What the hell, it's all in the family." And you KNOW the guys are going to be on their toes cause they know there are people around to tell stories on them!

There's a difference though, between it just naturally happening and girls pursuing men they have no interest in just to tick someone off. If there's a sister that keeps doing that, someone needs to talk to her and get to the real root of her problem.