Talking to Kids about Death

[Reds6]

Today I had to do one of the hardest things in my life, tell my 9 year old son his grandmother (My ex mother-in-law) passed away. Of course he broke down in my arms. I did the whole she's in heaven right now, but of course that was of no comfort. Although we all have to eventually deal with loss, this is his first experience. I talked to my friends and my mother (who I feel really blessed to have right now) and we all agreed there is no easy way. Has anyone dealt with this or had their grandparents of a loved one pass when you were at an early age? How did you deal?

[ladygreek]

Originally posted by Reds6
Today I had to do one of the hardest things in my life, tell my 9 year old son his grandmother (My ex mother-in-law) passed away. Of course he broke down in my arms. I did the whole she's in heaven right now, but of course that was of no comfort. Although we all have to eventually deal with loss, this is his first experience. I talked to my friends and my mother (who I feel really blessed to have right now) and we all agreed there is no easy way. Has anyone dealt with this or had their grandparents of a loved one pass when you were at an early age? How did you deal?

I was Blessed, because all of the major deaths in my family, occured after my daughter was at least in college. My grandfathers died before my daughter was born. And most of the rest died after she became an adult within the last 6 years.

The only death I knew of at an early age was a great, grandmother who had been bedridden my entire young life so I really did not know her as a vibrant person.

[Tickled Pink 2]

Originally posted by Reds6
Today I had to do one of the hardest things in my life, tell my 9 year old son his grandmother (My ex mother-in-law) passed away. Of course he broke down in my arms. I did the whole she's in heaven right now, but of course that was of no comfort. Although we all have to eventually deal with loss, this is his first experience. I talked to my friends and my mother (who I feel really blessed to have right now) and we all agreed there is no easy way. Has anyone dealt with this or had their grandparents of a loved one pass when you were at an early age? How did you deal?

I had to tell my kids this a few years ago. There's no easy way.

[christiangirl]

I was in college by the time I lost my grandparents. I was a special case though. I'd always been taught that when someone died it was a celebration because they were going to heaven.....so at funerals, I was always fine, I couldn't understand why everyone was sad! But comforting my younger cousins is another story. I try to reassure them by not being sad myself. Kids usually present their emotions in ways they think they're supposed to. So when they look around and everyone is crying, they'll cry too. So I try to just stay upbeat (but not fake). I let them know that it's okay to be sad, but that it's not the last time we're going to see our grandmother and that we aren't going to pretend that she's just disappeared. My cousins all seemed to be afraid to bring it up for fear everyone would start crying again. Once they saw that memories made me happy, they felt comfortable talking about her and that helped the healing go more smoothly.

[honeychile]

I was four when three relatives died within two months - one (my favorite uncle, by marriage) a suicide. My parents reminded me about baby birds & other animals which I had seen dead, and how the Lord cares about every sparrow. Then they told me that my (relative) had died, and was now in heaven, followed by what I would see at the funeral home, and how I was to behave.

The only problem was with my uncle, as my daddy had found his body. My mother had a lot on her plate, with my daddy being a major wreck, my aunts coming in to stay with us, and the funeral! My brother, in his teenaged "maturity", told me that my uncle was sick, not dead, so when we got to the funeral home, and I saw him there, I asked, "Why is Uncle Al sleeping here?" My daddy scooped me up, took me into the hallway and cried - the only time I saw him cry. A month later, I was given two baby peeps for Easter, and two nights in a row, one crawled into bed with me and was smothered.

From my own experience, I think you need to talk about death prior to it hitting home - even if it's talking about roadkill. It's a good time to instill your own beliefs concerning death and an afterlife, and it prepares the young. My one cousin didn't have to deal with death until she was 18, and she was an absolute mess when it happened! You can't crawl into your mom or dad's lap and ask questions when you're that old.

ETA: Please forgive me - I'm sorry to hear about your loss, and will be praying that your children cope well.

[Reds6]

Thanks for all the kind words and advice. My great grandparents died when I was reallyyoung so I don't have much memory of them. My grandparents died when I was in 9th grade and in college, so although it was hard I understood better. I told my son it was ok to be sad for as long as he wanted and when he didn't feel sad anymore that was ok also. I do plan on talking about what he'll see at the funeral and what will happen so he is somewhat prepared. A coworker told me when she was about 11 she went to a funeral of a family member, her first. Nobody told her the casket would be open and she got there and freaked out.

[toocute]

When my son was three (last year) I had to tell him that he would not see his best friend, my mother anymore. She was sick for quite some time and he knew that. When I knew she was passing I told him Grandma was very very sick and wouldn’t get any better. I then said she was going to go away to heaven. I didn’t use the term “death” or “dying” because I didn’t think he knew what that was but AMEN for PBS – Kids because the next evening Caillou was all about kids dealing with death. We watched it together and he got it.

[squirrely girl]

i can't remember them off the top of my head - but there are several really good children's books/stories that explain death and dying in a very straightforward but child appropriate way - might try checking the library or online.

we use these a lot in therapy with children...

- marissa

[PerfectVerse06]

Sorry to hear about your loss.

I think you should explain death to your child in a simple, yet truthful way.

Allow your child to express their feelings in their own way and in their own time because kids mourn differently than adults. And don't feel like you can't let your child see you cry or mourn, either. It is a natural reaction to such a situation, and it will encourgae the child to be open with their feelings too.

Encourage your child to ask questions too, even if you may not be able to answer them all. That just lets them know that you are open to discussing this with them and it's not taboo. They may try to hold in their emotions if they feel like they can't talk about the loss and act out in different ways.

If the child is really young, you can equate death to being a state in which the body has 'stopped working' because of illness or due to an accident. Don't say that the loved one is sleeping, lost, or went away because in their minds they may believe that literally. Your child may become afraid when you or another loved one goes to sleep or goes away on vacation.

Even if you have to keep repeating it when kids ask, let them know that their loved one has gone to Heaven and won't be coming back. Just reiterate the point to them, they'll eventually understand.

[teena]

I am sorry about your loss. Something else for parents to think about. My cousin died earlier this year. It had(and still has) a huge impact on my family. Alot had to do with how he died.

I'd explained to him that death is a part of life and that our departed cousin is with the Lord now. My son didnt know my cousin so he was very nonchalant about it, almost inappropriately so. Prior to us entering the church he wanted to chase and wrestle his little cousin. I guess he was thinking that because he didnt know our cousin and he's in heaven,every thing is fine. I had to explain to him that there is a time and place for everything and this is not the time or place to play. Even though you may not be sad, others are. It is disturbing and disrespectful to carryon as if our cousin meant nothing. (he is old enough to know better). I also showed him how to comfort my mother while she was grieving, and generally be sensitive to other's feelings.

Because my son is an only child, I have to be careful that my son doesnt become a self absorbed jerk.

[christiangirl]

Originally posted by squirrely girl
i can't remember them off the top of my head - but there are several really good children's books/stories that explain death and dying in a very straightforward but child appropriate way - might try checking the library or online.

we use these a lot in therapy with children...

- marissa

If there's a Barnes & Noble around you, ask for their "Growing Up" shelf in the Junior section. That's where they keep books like these.

[Reds6]

Thanks everyone for sharing your personal stories and for the great advice.

[AKA_Monet]

Hey, sorry for your loss. It must be a tough situation for you both and you were able to do it...

I guess my situation is one of confusion. I attended my uncle's funeral when I just turned 3 years old. I still have the images engrained in my mind. It wasn't because I was scared, it was more of "whut happened" and I felt, in my 3 year old mind, that nobody was telling me anything...

People were crying and upset, but I just failed to understand what was all the fuss was about.

Now, when folks die, I still have that "confusion" like I had as a little girl... The issue is, I don't know what emotion to display because I am confused about what happened. Having a tough time to get beyond that...

Anyhow, your son displayed an appropriate behavior at least, so he can be on his way to recovery from utter grief. Hopefully, he remembers the good times he had with his grandmother. I guess that is the important part when we deal with a passing and a loss...

[honeychile]

Originally posted by christiangirl
If there's a Barnes & Noble around you, ask for their "Growing Up" shelf in the Junior section. That's where they keep books like these.

The Velveteen Rabbit is good about death - the well-loved toy that dies, and is resurrected.

[christiangirl]

Is that what that book was about? I never knew that.......

Sorry for the hijack, carry on with the suggestions.