A friend I know has a problem . . .

James · #1 03-10-2006, 03:33 PM

Ok.

So I know this girl.

She met this guy on some dating site like match.com. She has been talking to him for like 1.5 months and is sort of crushing on him.

They talk several times a week, text, IM, email, phone.

The problem: He hasn't asked her out to meet.

She wants to know if that means he doesn't like her?

She also wants to know how she can get him to ask her out.

He lives about an hour away, and travels a lot for work.

I can already hear some of the strong willed women on the site saying: "Just ask him out!" And I agree that would solve the problem, but she isn't going to do that.

She views herself as a more traditional girl so can't be direct here, so I suppose in Girl World she has to manipulate him into asking her out in some subtle round about fashion.

So what should she do?

AlphaFrog · #2 03-10-2006, 03:44 PM

She could say, "Hey, [insert name of band they both like] is playing at the [name of hot club]. I'm thinking about going. I wish I knew someone else who wanted to go." - It's cheesy and old-fashioned, but it seems like exactly the answer you are looking for, based on your question.

valkyrie · #3 03-10-2006, 04:35 PM

He's probably a 400 pound woman.

I don't get how she can refrain from asking him out by using the "traditional girl" cop-out. It's not traditional to find guys to date on the internet and sit around text messaging, IMing, and emailing them.

AlphaFrog · #4 03-10-2006, 04:45 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by valkyrie
He's probably a 400 pound woman.

I don't get how she can refrain from asking him out by using the "traditional girl" cop-out. It's not traditional to find guys to date on the internet and sit around text messaging, IMing, and emailing them.

Oh my god. I actually agree with you. On both points. Good post.

OhioCentaur · #5 03-10-2006, 04:51 PM

maybe he is afraid if he asks too soon she will think he is desparate and run away. You ever think to give the guy some credit... ???

HBADPi · #6 03-10-2006, 08:16 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by valkyrie
He's probably a 400 pound woman.

I don't get how she can refrain from asking him out by using the "traditional girl" cop-out. It's not traditional to find guys to date on the internet and sit around text messaging, IMing, and emailing them.

So because its not traditional its not acceptable??? You make it sound like its a pathetic thing to try the whole online dating. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion but its more standard practice these days than people are willing to acknowledge. Online dating is just another way to meet people....

AGDee · #7 03-10-2006, 11:03 PM

It isn't clear to me whether she initiates any of the contacts now or whether he always initiates contact. I think she should back off. Not answer the emails the same day, not be on IM sometimes, not always be there to answer the phone or take a couple days to not answer the phone.

I did a lot of online dating/meeting people just after my divorce and was suspicious of the men who wanted to meet immediately and the ones who dragged their feet. There is a happy medium in there, but a month and a half is too long if you ask me. I suspect he's married or in another relationship. Or, he kind of likes her but has lied to her about something (like maybe his weight or looks.. sent her a 5 year old picture, lives with his mom still, etc). Or, he's just not that into her but wants to keep her around just in case someone else doesn't.

If he asks her why she is more distant, she can say then "Well, it didn't seem like it was going anywhere so I decided to focus my energy elsewhere". If he doesn't notice or doesn't care, then she should just move on.

KSig RC · #8 03-11-2006, 05:24 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by AGDee
It isn't clear to me whether she initiates any of the contacts now or whether he always initiates contact. I think she should back off. Not answer the emails the same day, not be on IM sometimes, not always be there to answer the phone or take a couple days to not answer the phone.

I did a lot of online dating/meeting people just after my divorce and was suspicious of the men who wanted to meet immediately and the ones who dragged their feet. There is a happy medium in there, but a month and a half is too long if you ask me. I suspect he's married or in another relationship. Or, he kind of likes her but has lied to her about something (like maybe his weight or looks.. sent her a 5 year old picture, lives with his mom still, etc). Or, he's just not that into her but wants to keep her around just in case someone else doesn't.

If he asks her why she is more distant, she can say then "Well, it didn't seem like it was going anywhere so I decided to focus my energy elsewhere". If he doesn't notice or doesn't care, then she should just move on.

This advice is surreally bad.

AGDee · #9 03-11-2006, 09:39 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by KSig RC
This advice is surreally bad.

What is your advice? That she spend months talking to this guy and have it go nowhere?

Seems to me that if the relationship as it stands isn't meeting her needs and she doesn't want to initiate changes in it, then her other option is to let it go.

Taualumna · #10 03-11-2006, 11:15 AM

I'd say she should forget about him. I met Mr. Tau online and we decided to meet about two weeks after we started chatting. We've been going out for almost 6 months

wrigley · #11 03-11-2006, 11:31 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by AGDee
It isn't clear to me whether she initiates any of the contacts now or whether he always initiates contact. I think she should back off. Not answer the emails the same day, not be on IM sometimes, not always be there to answer the phone or take a couple days to not answer the phone.

I did a lot of online dating/meeting people just after my divorce and was suspicious of the men who wanted to meet immediately and the ones who dragged their feet. There is a happy medium in there, but a month and a half is too long if you ask me. I suspect he's married or in another relationship. Or, he kind of likes her but has lied to her about something (like maybe his weight or looks.. sent her a 5 year old picture, lives with his mom still, etc). Or, he's just not that into her but wants to keep her around just in case someone else doesn't.

If he asks her why she is more distant, she can say then "Well, it didn't seem like it was going anywhere so I decided to focus my energy elsewhere". If he doesn't notice or doesn't care, then she should just move on.

AGDee makes some great points. James if your friend is the one contacting him all of the time, she needs to back off and not be so available. When this guy starts to ask why she isn't so attentive, all she has to say is that she's been busy. No need to get into detail. Your friend has a life too.

This guy has enough time for the numerous im's, phone calls, and emails, then he has enough time for a 30 minute meet n greet at the local Starbucks. There's no need to manipulate at all. She just says "Hey let's meet next Sunday afternoon for coffee." It's low key and in a public place. If he can't reschedule, then she needs to let him go.

He's within a reasonable driving distance. An hour is a average commute time for most jobs. I agree there's something up with him for not wanting to get together sooner.

Peaches-n-Cream · #12 03-11-2006, 01:59 PM

I'm surprised that no one has written it yet:

He's not that into her.

valkyrie · #13 03-11-2006, 02:01 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by HBADPi
So because its not traditional its not acceptable??? You make it sound like its a pathetic thing to try the whole online dating. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion but its more standard practice these days than people are willing to acknowledge. Online dating is just another way to meet people....

LOL where did I say that? I'm the last person in the world who would hate on someone for doing something non-traditional.

I'm saying that there's a disconnect between doing something non-traditional, such as online dating, and then refusing to ask the guy out herself because it's not traditional. That doesn't make sense to me, but whatev.

AGDee · #14 03-11-2006, 03:39 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Peaches-n-Cream
I'm surprised that no one has written it yet:

He's not that into her.

Hehe, I did, but it was at the end of the second paragraph so you might not have gotten that far

Rudey · #15 03-11-2006, 04:02 PM

James, your first step is to admit that your friend is you.

After that, I'm sure you'll happily meet as many men online as you would like. You deserve it, that's for sure.

-Rudey