I have a stalker

ree-Xi · #1 06-23-2011, 10:03 AM

Okay, I feel really weird about something. This girl that I know ONLY online, who I know only because her mother - who I have "known" online for 10 years, has the same health problems I do - comments on EVERYTHING I do on FB. She had my phone number because her mother had surgery and I wanted her to update me, but she texts me ALL THE TIME.

Now she posts on my page that she got a ticket to come see me (I have a film that is premiering locally). She saw it on my page, bought a ticket for the movie, and booked a flight. (She gets free flights because her brother works for an airline).

I feel really stupid because I don't know what to do (and I came here because I'm sure someone has been through something like this). I told her that I don't feel comfortable with her coming here and that we won't be around much. I don't know her much at all. Never met. Talked on the phone twice. She's about 12 years younger than me. We have nothing in common other than the disease her mother and I share.

Does anyone have any advice? I can block her from my FB - that's an obvious, but her coming to see me?? Yikes!

AnotherKD · #2 06-23-2011, 10:17 AM

Wow..... I hope she doesn't plan on crashing at your place.....

That is no fun. How awkward! However, if she gets free tickets, she should be able to cancel without any penalty, I would assume. I know you might need to have an awkward conversation with her, but maybe it would be best over FB messages (not texts, as that could go on forever) about what you've said in your post- that you don't really know her, that you feel a little weird about her coming to visit when you have something going on, and you feel that it's a time that you should be devoting to your project and your family. Not someone that you don't know. You may end up having to let her down in a way that is something like "I'm sorry, but I have my life with my family and my work here, and I quite like the friends that I have now, and quite frankly, it makes me feel uncomfortable that someone I have never met is flying in to visit without an invitation. I'm sorry if you misunderstood any intentions I had in posting my activities on Facebook." You can respond to any of her follow-up messages with clarification, but after that, delete her as a friend and cease communication. Hopefully, she should get the hint.

ree-Xi · #3 06-23-2011, 10:29 AM

Thank you for your input!!!

I've sent her the message that I don't think she should come here and that I don't feel comfortable. I've changed my privacy settings so that she can no longer tag me in photos and videos (she's done that too - even though I'm not in any of them), post to my wall or comment on what other people write. I am hoping she gets the hint. I don't want to be rude but it's too much. My husband, who never gets freaked out, is freaked out.

Thanks so much. I feel like such a dork. But at least I know I'm not off the mark on this one.

AnotherKD · #4 06-23-2011, 10:32 AM

These things are hard... sometimes it's someone who genuinely just doesn't get it and has a lack of awareness. Other times, they're a little kooky. In any case, I think you're going about it the right way and being quite diplomatic!

AZTheta · #5 06-23-2011, 05:26 PM

Stalkers do not "get the hint." On the contrary; that's not how their brains work. Do not be nice, do not play nice. In fact, do not play. I know what I'm talking about. Your husband is creeped out; that's a pretty powerful indication that something is not right.

Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. He also has a website but does not offer anonymous advice over the Internet.

Email me (you still have my address, right?) if you need any more info.

PeppyGPhiB · #6 06-24-2011, 03:36 AM

My senior year of college I dated an older guy (I always dated older guys), just a couple months off and on before graduation. We went out maybe 10 times, it was nothing serious. He was nice, cute, but kinda goofy/off. When I graduated, I moved back to Seattle. On our last date we said goodbye, talk to you later, etc. and I thought that was it.

Well, every time I was online, he'd IM me....he was always online! It was always "I miss you," "I have feelings for you," etc. I just ignored those statements and would keep our IM exchanges to a few short responses, then I'd jump offline or make myself invisible. Then one day he IMd me with, "I'm coming to see you in Seattle." I made all kinds of excuses at first, but then a few days later when he told me that again and started talking about dates, I told him flatly, "No offense, but I'm not interested in seeing you. I don't see any long term potential for us." He got all sad on me, but said he understood. He kept IMing me, though, trying to make chit chat. My responses would be just one or two words at most, then I stopped responding. One day he IMd, as soon as I got online, "I'm moving to Seattle." I felt like I had to say something to that, so I asked him why. "I miss you" was his response, then he added, "If we don't work out, I can still find a job there." That freaked me out enough for me to change my email/IM username so that he couldn't contact me anymore (thankfully I hadn't given him my new cell phone number). I thought about asking the police if I should file any type of notice or complaint or something, just in case, but decided that was premature.

In your case, I think you should just block her from your Facebook, and stop any contact with her. If she shows up at your event, say hello and be cordial, and thank her for coming (act surprised that she would come all that way). Then move on to your other guests. Don't do anything to encourage her, but I wouldn't do anything to agitate her prior to that, either. Some people are just lonely - maybe that's her?

ADqtPiMel · #7 06-24-2011, 07:05 AM

I've been stalked. The most important thing is to cut off contact entirely. Don't engage with her in any way. It's instinct to want to be polite and let them down easy, or to finally respond to the incessant phone calls/texts/emails -- but to someone like this, any contact is positive contact and gives them space to worm their way back into your life.

I second the suggestion of The Gift of Fear. If you're freaked out by this girl, your intuition is telling you something.

ree-Xi · #8 06-24-2011, 12:27 PM

Thanks everyone for your suggestions. She said she isn't coming, but made a whole lot of noise about it. I really hope that she doesn't show up. Hubby said he's glad we have our alarm system. I can't help feeling that I will be looking over my shoulders at my event, however.

Thanks again!!!

ETA: my hubby just bought the book for me via Amazon. Thanks for the suggestion!!

victoriana · #9 06-24-2011, 12:38 PM

What a scary experience. I can sympathize because I've been in that kind of a situation too. It got to the point where I had to get the police involved. I'm just glad your stalker is backing down.

KD4Me · #10 06-24-2011, 05:25 PM

AzTheta - Thanks for the book suggestion. The name intrigued me, so I downloaded the sample electronically, then bought the book. I am several chapters in, and while I think parts of it might be tough to read, I think that it will be very beneficial. After reading it, I'm going to recommend it to a good friend of mine who seems to attract stalkers. I have been so frustrated by her over the years because she just won't tell strange men to leave her ALONE. I think reading this book might make her see they are not being nice, or normal, but inappropriate, and so she doesn't have to be nice to them.

carnation · #11 06-24-2011, 05:49 PM

People who are being stalked: you may find out that in your state, you can't get a restraining order unless there's a physical threat. You can often, however, get a behavior warrant. In Georgia, a restraining order orders the offender to stay away a certain number of feet or they'll be arrested. With a behavior warrant, though, the person is arrested right off if your petition is approved and further warned to stay away.

We have gone to the courts for both. The first time, it was to get an order against a crazy woman who actually kidnapped one of our daughters. The second time, another crazy woman kept trying to get another daughter (a minor) to move in with her. Our family is rather high-profile and I suppose it goes with the territory but taking out a protection order can be scary but necessary.

Drolefille · #12 06-24-2011, 08:17 PM

Every state and city may be different. Call your local police department to find out the details of how to protect yourself where you live.

/and take a bite out of crime
//Scruff McGruff, Chicago IL 60652
///sorry couldn't help it.

ree-Xi · #13 06-25-2011, 10:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by carnation

People who are being stalked: you may find out that in your state, you can't get a restraining order unless there's a physical threat. You can often, however, get a behavior warrant. In Georgia, a restraining order orders the offender to stay away a certain number of feet or they'll be arrested. With a behavior warrant, though, the person is arrested right off if your petition is approved and further warned to stay away.

We have gone to the courts for both. The first time, it was to get an order against a crazy woman who actually kidnapped one of our daughters. The second time, another crazy woman kept trying to get another daughter (a minor) to move in with her. Our family is rather high-profile and I suppose it goes with the territory but taking out a protection order can be scary but necessary.

Carnation, that is scary as hell! I can't imagine what it must be like to have that level of threat. I hope that your family remains safe and free from the crazies.

carnation · #14 06-25-2011, 11:05 AM

The first woman has moved to Pennsylvania (she got off on a technicality) and the scary thing is that even though there's a restraining order in place, we won't have any idea if she's back in town unless we're told or she tries something. I never thought about it before but it's kind of like restraining orders only do any good if the bad guy is caught in the act.

The other woman still lives on the other side of town and we think that she's still trying to contact our teenager (who, being a teen, isn't afraid of her but should be) and once again--unless she actually tries something again, our hands are tied since a behavior warrant doesn't = a restraining order.

thetaj · #15 06-25-2011, 12:20 PM

I was talking to a girl about my age working at a jewelry stand in the mall yesterday. I had just stopped by to ask a quick question and she said, "Hey could you stay a few minutes? That guy over there comes here every day and just stares at me. He's even followed me out of the mall and to my house before. He parked his car outside and stayed for hours. I just don't want to be here alone for long!" And I was like, "Are you kidding??? Do you want me to get security???" And she told me about her experience with the mall security, which I could not believe: She alerted security and they said there wasn't anything they could do about it unless he physically hurt her. She was so creeped out so she had a security escort to her car everyday. I asked if she carried mace or anything on her, and she said she used to, but when she showed it to security they said it was above the legal limit and they took it from her

I could not believe what I was hearing. We chatted for awhile then swapped sympathetic glances and I was on my way :/ that must be so scary. I can't even imagine.