Tricky sorority-side rush question

[Hownowbrowncow]

Hey all...I've found myself in somewhat of a sticky situation, and I was hoping you could offer up some advice.

I'm the VP Recruitment for my chapter, and I've been setting up rush pairs this summer. Because our chapter is large, not everyone gets to rush every round...but there's this one girl I'm reluctant to let rush at all.

This girl, while a really nice person with a great personality, is in all probability suffering from an eating disorder. She is extremely extremely skinny. While we are trying to give her the support she needs and help her get healthier...while her well-being is obviously the top concern, at the same time I'm nervous about the impression she'll give off during rush. Appearances aside, she'd be a great rusher, but I'm afraid she'll make the potential new members uncomfortable. Also, as much as it sucks to admit it, rush is often a very superficial process. It just takes one PNM commenting to her friends about the super-skinny girl in such-and-such chapter, and boom, we're the anorexic house. It doesn't help that such a rumor feeds into one of the more commonplace stereotypes about sorority women in general.

At this point, I'm leaning towards letting her know ahead of time that she won't be rushing anyone and having her help out in the kitchen or something (where there will be about 15 other people, so at least she won't be alone). I would LOVE to be able to let her rush...but at the same time, I can't pretend like every PNM will take the high road and not judge her, and the house by extension, based on her appearance.

Any advice anyone has would be great. None of the recent VPRs have dealt with anything like this issue, so I'm kind of making this up as I go along.

[PhoenixAzul]

Jeez, what a quagmire...I don't envy you.

Honestly, I'd be hurt if my chapter asked me to stay in the kitchen (ironic for someone with an eating disorder, no?). Perhaps you should pair her up with a sister who is more on the "healthy" side of weight, even "heavy", and go for diversity in your other pairs as well. Diversity of body types, ethnicities, religions...show off that your chapter can't be typed by one girl.

On a side note, are you CERTAIN, as in 100 percent, swear on the bible, certain that she has an eating disorder and not a digestive problem or an endocrine disorder? One of my great friends is unbelievably skinny due to a stomach disorder that leaves her unable to keep food down most of the time, and therefore making her skinny. She's also a dancer, which means that people are constantly whispering about her weight, but she can't help it. Sooo...I guess what I'm saying is be tactful and find out what is REALLY going on, maybe not you directly, but perhaps her big sister or the house mom. And even then, DO NOT spread it to the house, even if it is a medical problem. Once again, discretion is the key.

[TxGirl]

If she is going to be a good recruiter then you should definately let her on the floor in one of your pairings. I think this for many reasons.

First, she is a sister the same as the other women and should be given the chance to help choose her new sisters just like anyone else - unless she has turettes (sp?) or can't help talking about things that don't pertain to recruitment (boys, booze etc). She should be able to recruit loke everyone else.

Second, what kind of message is this sending to PNM's that we "hide" the women we don't want them to see in the kitchen??? Big, small, tall, short they are all our sisters and we should be proud of all of our chapter. Yes, I know this is hard at times, but we should still all try.

Third, what kind of message is this sending to your sister if she does have an eating disorder? Eating disorders are caused by a variety of things, but I seem to hear that predominately it is a lack of self-worth or value and in some cases a feeling of disgust by what your body looks like. By putting her into the kitchen you are reinforcing that she is not valuable enough to help recruit new members and that possible it is b/c of the way she looks.

None of these are things that we want to happen in our chapters. If you really feel under pressure to not have her recruit, speak with your Membership Advisor or Chapter Advisor. If you truely think this woman has an eating disorder then you need to speak to them anyway.

[epchick]

Like PhoenixAzul said...are you 100% certain that she has an eating disorder.

Since i'm not in a sorority... i guess i could tell you how i would react. My first reaction would be wow she's thin, but I wouldn't automatically assume she was anorexic. I have several friends who are on the fraile side, but they are nowhere near anorexic.

Even if you lock her in the kitchen, there is no guarantee that one superficial PNM wouldn't see her. Even if she was anorexic, maybe she could reach out to another PNM who had the same problem or was contemplating anorexia. What would happen if you had a sister that was obese? Would you hide her just because you don't want the stigma of being the "fat house?" People will say what they will, no matter how much you dont want it. Let her rush...if I was rushing your group, I would 100% guarantee that i would drop you just because one sister was anorexic.

I know its not a real good way of thinking, but if I was in the situation I would think if they are gonna drop us for that superficial reason, we don't want them.

[honeychile]

First things first!

You have a sister who you think is suffering from a deadly disorder, and you're worried about how she'll look to PNMs?!?!?!?! Are any sisters coming alongside of her, and seeing if she indeed has anorexia? If she does, has anyone thought of making sure she gets the help she needs? Because if she does have anorexia so badly that she looks that awful, the chances are good that a good therapist will make sure that she's in a hospital, getting the care that she needs!

Hiding her in the kitchen would only increase her anxiety level and make her feel more inadequate.

If you or your sisters can't get through to her, and her family doesn't seem to care, talk to your alumnae about getting her help. This is a very real and nasty condition!!! We had a sister who managed to get herself down to 48#, and has to report for a weigh-in every six months to avoid being committed, even to this day. I hope you can show a little sisterhood to her before she gets that far gone!

[valkyrie]

Originally posted by honeychile
You have a sister who you think is suffering from a deadly disorder, and you're worried about how she'll look to PNMs?!?!?!?! Are any sisters coming alongside of her, and seeing if she indeed has anorexia? If she does, has anyone thought of making sure she gets the help she needs? Because if she does have anorexia so badly that she looks that awful, the chances are good that a good therapist will make sure that she's in a hospital, getting the care that she needs!

If she is anorexic, she may not be willing to admit it. She's the only one who can get help for herself -- nobody can make sure she gets help if she's not ready.

I guess I wouldn't assume that they're NOT trying to help her. They might be, and the rush issue is just something else they're dealing with right now.

[honeychile]

Originally posted by valkyrie
If she is anorexic, she may not be willing to admit it. She's the only one who can get help for herself -- nobody can make sure she gets help if she's not ready.

I guess I wouldn't assume that they're NOT trying to help her. They might be, and the rush issue is just something else they're dealing with right now.

I thought of that after I reread the original post, and realized that I came down somewhat hard. But then I remember what "Susie" looked like, the last time I saw her - she was so gaunt, so aged, I had to excuse myself and throw up (honestly). And I suppose if I had to do that, so would a PNM.

So, I admit that I was speaking from emotion, but surely there's something that this sister can do, that won't set her back even further?

BTW, the easiest way to get her unwanted help is to find a mental health facility that's attached to a regular hospital, and somehow get her to visit. A qualified therapist can have her committed within minutes.

[TxGirl]

On a different note, one of my pledge sisters had come out of the hospital just weeks before she went through recruitment. She looked awful - I remember thinking that her legs looked the size of my arms - but she found women that appreciated her for what she was inside not what she looked like outside. She eventually got back to a healthy weight and also became a leader in our chapter.

[christiangirl]

I agree with everyone else (in general). The most important thing right now is to just be her loving sisters and lift her up enough to the point where she's ready to get help if she needs it (and if it's not what you think, figure out what it is). And I say if she's up to the job, then you should be, too! Just put enough different body types out there to let all your PNMs know that there's a lot of diversity in this house. After that don't worry about it. What if the PNMs don't make a big deal about until they see you keep glancing at your sister? The last thing you'd want is for everything to go fine until you bring attention to it! Remember, girls can be judgemental, but they can be impressionable too--especially if they're trying to prove they'd be a good fit for a sorority. I've never been through a rush, but I know that if I was unsure of how to act to impress a sorority, I'd probably take my cues from them. If you act like everything's fine, they'll probably follow suit. Until then, I'll pray for your sister and whatever condition she might be in.

[Hownowbrowncow]

We have tried to help her...numerous times. The trouble is at this point she's not willing to admit that she has a problem. She has a small frame to begin with, so there's a lot she can kind of excuse away. We're hoping that once she moves into the house, it will become easier to keep an eye on her behavior and get a better idea of how to handle it.

I want to re-emphasize that my, and the whole chapter's, primary concern is with her health. I wish I didn't have to think about it from a rush standpoint at all, but that's kind of the position I've been placed in. In large part, I wanted to figure out how to handle this in the best way possible as to not make her situation worse.

I really appreciate all the input...I think I'm going to talk to her pledge mom, who knows her better than I do, to get her opinion on things.

[FSUZeta]

would it be possible to have her assist you with the paperwork? a job helping keep up with recommendations and checking and rechecking the invitation lists might help her self esteem, and make your job a little easier. at the same time, she might be able to circulate the room, joining groups to meet pnms when she can be spared.

[flirt5721]

I would hate it if I was not allowed to rush, however, if it was to help out the chapter I would get over it. Apperance is very important during recruitment and also very superficial. If she is a good rusher I would let her rush girls. First you need to make sure if she does have an eating disorder or if she is just naturally like that. You and the rest of your exec. council should decide if she could rush or not.

[CrownSister]

As someone who once struggled with anorexia and was skinny for years before and after I have quite a few thoughts on this dilemma.

First, she is not receiving treatment for her eating disorder and you need to get her help immediately! Consult with advisor on how to do this but her parents need to get involved. I was saved when a friend called my mother. I know it sounds strange but my mom simply couldn't see what was going on, she was too close to the situation. It was a horrible moment but ultimately it stopped my anorexia before it was completely out of hand.

Second, once she has acknowledged her problem and is working through it then I think that if she's a great rusher and can handle the duties, put her out there! Your life is so much easier when you have a rusher you don't have to worry about.

I was in college before I could really talk about my struggles. It was during a standards program in chapter one evening that I saw the hands of 1/3 of my sisters go up when asked if anyone had struggled with an eating disorder. For the first time in many years, I no longer felt alone. The longer we force people to be ashamed of eating disorders, the longer we will see people we care about suffer.

Lastly, as an advisor, I have seen more young ladies than I'd like to count suffer from eating disorders. I think the earlier suggestion to have her help with paperwork and invitations is great, but please don't just relegate her to a backroom. You never know who a PNM will connect with during recruitment, having this sister out during the parties could help a girl say, "Hey she's like me." It could make all the difference in the world.

For you, your sister and your whole chapter, I sincerely hope she finds the help and support she needs.

Fraternally,
CrownSister

[AchtungBaby80]

Originally posted by valkyrie
If she is anorexic, she may not be willing to admit it. She's the only one who can get help for herself -- nobody can make sure she gets help if she's not ready.

That's true. Been there, and I know what I'm talking about.

That said, though, I don't really know what to tell you. Yes, rush is superficial and she might be judged harshly by some PNMs, but she's also a sister of your chapter so she should have the opportunity to rush just like everybody else. I think this is something you're going to have to sort of play by ear--it may sort itself out.

[Zillini]

Originally posted by Hownowbrowncow
We have tried to help her...numerous times. The trouble is at this point she's not willing to admit that she has a problem. She has a small frame to begin with, so there's a lot she can kind of excuse away. We're hoping that once she moves into the house, it will become easier to keep an eye on her behavior and get a better idea of how to handle it.

I want to re-emphasize that my, and the whole chapter's, primary concern is with her health. I wish I didn't have to think about it from a rush standpoint at all, but that's kind of the position I've been placed in. In large part, I wanted to figure out how to handle this in the best way possible as to not make her situation worse.

I really appreciate all the input...I think I'm going to talk to her pledge mom, who knows her better than I do, to get her opinion on things.

I know you wanted input on what to do during Recruitment, but to me that's the least of my worries. I'm glad you and the rest of your Chapter are trying to help your sister. It's none of my business, but what exactly have you done to help her?

As an advisor I've unfortunately dealt with this situation more times than I care to recall. There is no right way to do it, but there are several things that can be tried. No matter what you all do, it may won't matter until she is ready to face her problems herself. But that doesn't mean you should stop trying to get through to her.

First and foremost, contact your University's health center and speak to someone who specializes in eating disorders. Sadly it is such a prevalent problem now days that I would be shocked if any University did not have someone on staff who is trained in this area. If for some bizarre reason they didn't, I'm sure they would know of some health care people in the area that could help.

Our University has a "crisis committee". It's made up of various admin and staff that have been trained to deal with a variety of student problems including: eating disorders, alcohol/substance abuse, domestic abuse, and a variety of other psychological disorders. They have protocols and health care contacts already in place to aid students in trouble.

As already suggested, perhaps a speaker could be brought in to discuss this with the entire Chapter. Perhaps she (or anyone else suffering that you don't know about) might be reached and then be willing to seek out help on her own. Not likely, but there's always that possiblity.

Has anyone talked to her directly about the problem? We have asked close friends or big sisters to approach a member in as positive and non-threatening manner as possible. The key though is that those friends need to be prepared ahead of time to know what to say and what not to. Guidance in this can usually come from those folks mentioned above.

Someone needs to contact her parents to make sure they are aware of the situation. In the past we (the sorority) were not allowed to do this because of the Buckley Ammendment that basically said that anyone over 18 was an adult and contacting their parents would be a violation of their privacy. However according to a presentation given by Peter Lake (an attorney who specializes in legal issues facing Universities and Greeks), recent court rulings have changed things. The legal standard is now "What would a resonable person do?" In this case, a reasonable person would inform a student's parents. It could even be argued that if parents are not informed about a known health situation/crisis that there would be cause for a liablity action.

However, talking to Mom or Dad doesn't always help either. We once had a situation where Mom suffered from the same problem. Her daughter had collapsed and was taken to the ER. Mom refused to accept that her daughter had a problem and instead insisted it was the flu. Dad was just as detached about the whole thing. So sad.

I hate to use this route, but we have in the past when other things have failed. Our standards code is written so that we have the authority to require a member to attend councelling whether it be for situations like this or others that are detrimental to a member. We've only done this twice in my memory, once for alcohol abuse and the other for the above situation. It didn't work in the first instance and the member turned in her pin. But it did with the second. The member came back later and thanked us for requiring her to seek councelling. At first she didn't want to go and only went because we made her. She said by about the 3rd or 4th session things started to "click" and she admitted to herself she had a problem. She started dealing with her problem and wanted to get her Mom help as well.

Something else and I hate to say this because it sounds so harsh and uncaring, but as an advisor it is my responsibility to look after the well being of the entire Chapter in addition to the individual members. You mentioned you are all looking forward to her moving into the house so that you can "keep an eye on her behavior and get a better idea of how to handle it." This might not be a good idea and I was actually told by our org's Grand President (who conferred with a lawyer) that we should not knowingly allow a member with an eating disorder to move into our house.

I'm sure some folks will think not only is that cold, but possibly discriminatory. However, there's a major risk management/legal liability issue here. In our particular case the member in question suffered from bulemia. Her purging placed all the other members and cleaning staff in jeopordy for health risks. Plus, if God forbid she collapsed in her room, nobody found her and she died, we could be held liable because we knew she was at risk. It's a double edged sword, you have to help the sister with problems while at the same time protect the rest of the Chapter.

I guarantee you are not alone in dealing with this problem. I strongly urge you or your President to contact your Advisor and/or nat'l officer to find out how to proceed. In addition, contact your University health care facility. This girl needs help and as her sisters, you must do everything in your power to get her that help. She may not want to do it, but then again she may be so touched by your concern that she's now ready to face it. I pray this is the case.