Am I overreacting?

#1 05-19-2005, 05:12 AM

Ok, wise people of GC -- I need advice and opinions. This is probably only the 2nd time ever I've posted anything like this.

My best friend from HS is getting married next month. Aleathia and I were as close as can be since 9th grade and remained that way well into her first few years at UNLV. Though we became "not as close" during college (as she was there and I was at UHM), we were still friends who kept in touch. I'd often travel to Las Vegas....not to gamble, not to shop...but to visit Aleathia and her BF Mike. She was my first ever friend in HS, our parents are good friends, and we're even distant relatives.

Keep in mind that I was the one who introduced Aleathia to Mike at a HS dance in 1996, counseled the both of them when they broke up for the first and second time, kicked both their asses when they tried to stray, etc. You get the point. He never confided in our other friends. Just me.

Enter Ronna and Evelyn. Ron and Ev were part of our little HS "clique". We were all friends, but Aleathia and I often thought that they thought that they were better than us.

Ron, Ev, and I all attended and graduated from UHM though we basically became strangers while in college. Aleathia would come home for the summers and breaks but I'd hang out with her separately and she'd hang out with them separately.

We get word that Mike finally proposed and wedding plans were under way. In the initial stages I helped her out as far as researching locations, dresses, etc (since she lives in Vegas) but never once did I ask who was going to be in her wedding party. I didn't mention it, and I assumed that it would consist of her little sister and her cousins (she's got a lot of em). I didn't think anything of it.

She and I were in touch back and forth and she often gave me word on what's been going on as far as planning went. And then today I get a MySpace comment on my page from Evelyn, who currently lives and works in Korea:

Hey Sandy! I'll be home in a month for Aleathia's wedding. I don't think you know, but Ronna and I are Aleathia's bridesmaids...just letting you know so there are no surprises.

WHAT....THE...FUCK?

I totally understand that it's Aleathia's wedding day and she has the right to choose her wedding party, but taking the above into consideration, I assumed that if I really meant something to her, she'd either a) consider me for bridesmaid or b) at LEAST explain to me the reasons why she chose Ronna and Evelyn and not me. I didn't think I'd have to find out from a fucking MySpace comment. What's italicized up there is Ev's exact comment, word for word. The "surprise" thing kinda struck me as odd...obviously THEY had discussed it and wondered what would happen when I showed up on wedding day to find out. I even went to her fucking bridal shower and no one said a WORD.

I know it seems like I'm overreacting and maybe I am, but it really does seem like it's a slap in the face times 100. This is what I'm thinking about doing -- I'm thinking I should just fucking boycott the wedding altogether and just send her a gift in the mail.

I really am happy for her and Mike because they've been through a lot, but I am even more angry that she couldn't even be honest with me.

Am I being selfish for not attending the wedding at all? At this point I could give a fuck about regretting later on that I didn't go to the wedding, but that's just plain DICK, ya know? Even my mom said flat out that even she didn't want to go now. I know I'm sounding like a sore bratty loser, but this hits home kinda hard.

If I don't go to the wedding on June 18th I'm thinking about taking a quick hop to the sunny So Cal to drink wine and bitch about men with Amy and Maria.

Sorry for the long post. I really should stop checking emails first thing in the morning because when you get bad news, it's so easy to just let it ruin the rest of your day.

Senusret I · #2 05-19-2005, 06:34 AM

I don't know if you're overreacting or not....but I would be just as upset if it were me.

*hug*

winneythepooh7 · #3 05-19-2005, 06:37 AM

I don't think you are overreacting either. I am one of those people that if a supposed close friend did this to me, I would probably stop speaking to her on the spot and that would be that.

AGDee · #4 05-19-2005, 06:47 AM

I would also be upset. I would address it by sitting down with her (calmly!) and saying "I thought that we were very close friends and while I am disappointed that I'm not one of your bridesmaids, I'm more disappointed that you weren't able to tell me about it directly. I thought our friendship was strong enough that we could be straight and honest with each other about something like this". And then, look on the bright side. You don't have to pay big bucks for a dress and shoes you won't wear again. You didn't have to put on a shower or a bachelorette party or invest funds into any of that. You get the same food/drinks/entertainment at the wedding that they get, without the heavy financial investment.

HotDamnImAPhiMu · #5 05-19-2005, 07:32 AM

Obviously you need to say something to the bride. That's a pretty shitty way to find something like that out, and I'd agree with your ascertation that Ev & Aleathia had probably discussed this already.

That seems like the hurtful part (vs. Alethia just chosing her own wedding party, which you're right, she gets to do without a word from you.)

Sounds like your relationships with these people is pretty well deteriorated at this point, and I'd be tempted not to go, either. Just be careful you don't look like the Brat Who Threw A Fit When She Didn't Get To Be the Bridesmaid, b/c that's not what this is about BUT it's probably what people will be trying to paint you as. You can avoid that by telling the bride why you have a problem with the way she handled things, explaining that you don't feel comfortable attending anymore, and being sweet but distant from there on out. And send a cheap present.

Normally I'd say suck it up and deal with it -- she screwed up, definately, but depending on how big/traditional/how much input she's getting into this wedding, the bride might be really stressed out. Everybody has a story about the normally levelheaded friend who went off the deep end when planning her wedding.

I think your big decision here isn't about the wedding, though -- it's about if you want to continue to grow apart from these two couples, or if you want to try & mend fences for old times' sake. Sounds like you're kind of naturally growing apart as adults, and that's OK. But that makes way more of a case for not going to the wedding. Obviously not going is going to create a rift you might not be able to fix later, so if you think you might be interested in becoming closer with these folks in the near future, go to the wedding anyway.

DZTUBAGIRL · #6 05-19-2005, 08:18 AM

Man...that is bullcrap! I'm not saying for sure you should have been a bridesmaid but she should have atleast come to you like an adult and talked about it. I am kinda a spiteful person so I personally wouldn't go to the wedding. But that is just me. Sorry this has put a damper on your day. Hope it gets better.

Tom Earp · #7 05-19-2005, 08:45 AM

Yes, No, Maybe.

Really sucks though!

UlChiOCutie26 · #8 05-19-2005, 08:47 AM

NO! I'd be pissed too. I know what you are going through!

The Truth · #9 05-19-2005, 09:10 AM

There needs to be some discussion between the two of you because regardless of her not chosing you to be in the wedding, it was the brides place to tell you, not italicized girl.

It just seems real messy and some behind the back type s***.

_Opi_ · #10 05-19-2005, 09:19 AM

You're not overreacting at all..

and Truth, Co-sign!

tinydancer · #11 05-19-2005, 09:34 AM

I don't think you are overreacting; I would be pissed as hell. HotDamn made some very good points.

starryeyed · #12 05-19-2005, 10:02 AM

I'd be livid especially since they discussed it. However, I would not tell anyone else. I wouldn't give them the pleasure of thriving on the drama. It seems to me they wanted you to be "surprised" or they would have told you in a more tactful manner. I would go and just act like the bigger person. I wouldn't help with any more of the planning, but why not go and eat their free food? Just think of it this way, when you are in the bridal party there is so much bs that you have to do -with the dress, fittings, hair, taking pictures, throwing showers, and you got lucky!

squirrely girl · #13 05-19-2005, 10:08 AM

i really don't think that you're overreacting. hell, i had two REALLY good girl friends growing up and i could only have one maid of honor but i still sat down with the other and explained why she was a bridesmaid and not the maid of honor...

yep, shitty move on her part...

- marissa

greeklawgirl · #14 05-19-2005, 10:27 AM

Sandy hon, you're not overreacting. I would be very hurt too. As much as it pains me to say it (because I WANT you to come and drink and b***h with me and Amy), if you want to keep a relationship with these people, you should be the bigger person and go to the wedding. You would be showing a lot more class than any of them did. The choice is up to you.

polarpink · #15 05-19-2005, 11:10 AM

I vote to go to California. I know it is probably "more mature" to suck it up and be the "bigger person," but personally, I don't like doing things I know I won't enjoy. I am not that mean to myself.

Going to California sounds fun- get some highlights, mani/pedi, shop and live it up. I would tell her too. It would go like this, "Oh, Aleathia, I am so sorry, but I totally have a reunion that weekend with some AGD friends. Girls are flying in to CA, I would really hate to miss it." You WILL see an AGD, and it is a reunion of sorts, although you will be the only one flying. It gets out of going gracefully even if the excuse is a little transparent.

Maybe that would be hurtful to her not to go, but you know, tough. You did a lot for her; you have a right to be hurt. And not to be like the online therapist of Greekchat but Ron and Ev seem like girls that Aleathia is still trying to win approval from with the bridsmaids invite. It seems like Ron and Ev know that too and are rubbing in it with the MySpace comment. I wouldn't put myself through that.