Seasons Greetings from the ACLU!

[honeychile]

What the Politically Correct Christmas Card says....

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all;

Additionally,

a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed, color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes.

(Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.)








ETA: The ACLU had nothing to do with this all-too-true "Christmas Card". It is, however, a reflection of those of us who belong to the 84% of Americans who celebrate Christmas feel about them and their views of being "politically correct".

[Honeykiss1974]

LOL - honey, where are you getting these things?

[hoosier]

P.S.: send your contributions to ACLU, Ansonia Station, NYC, NY.

[Tom Earp]

Sorry, but Gag!

PC is so getting over weighty on Us!

[honeychile]

Originally posted by Honeykiss1974
LOL - honey, where are you getting these things?

I have friends who realized how completely insane being PC truly can be!

[ladygreek]

As a member of the ACLU and a former employee, this had me cracking up!

[HBADPi]

And now for the politically correct company party...

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a
small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't
be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree
will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at
that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of
gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas
to you and your family.
Patty


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating ReConciliation
Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are
allowed since the
union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe
$10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employee's
beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home
in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for
members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are
allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay
men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement
for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing
allowed though, we will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food
will
be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
food, we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot
supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fucking Employees
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks, I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly
put
it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But
you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all
have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management
has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon off
with full pay.
Happy Holidays!

[FSUZeta]

honey, i am sure it was printed on recycled paper

[SOPi_Jawbreaker]

New Policy
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:


1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

[SOPi_Jawbreaker]

'Twas The Night Before Christmas
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."

[RACooper]

Of course in all the joking I'm sure that people are forgetting that the ACLU actually backed up the use and display of Christmas Trees... but then again that doesn't buy into the whole O'Rielly scheme now does it?

[honeychile]

RA Cooper, you're the only one who mentioned O'Reilly. The bottom line is, while I shouldn't have titled this thread as such, the friends I have who ARE in the ACLU saw nothing wrong with it. And, as you possibly know, it's darn near impossible to change to the title of a thread.

What IS apparent is that the 84% of Americans who DO celebrate Christmas are getting fed up with catering to that 16% of malcontents. The Founding Fathers did put freedom of religion into the Constitution, but to my knowledge, none were atheists. They simply did not want one state-mandated religion, such as the Church of England.

So happy whatever you want to celebrate, if indeed you care to celebrate anything at all. Just leave the 84% of us who feel that there is just cause to celebrate and rejoice the freedom to do so!

[Honeykiss1974]

This thread is hilarious regardless as to what you celebrate!

I love the memos from the HR Director. LOLOL And the 12 days of Christmas will be passed though my office. LOL

..and can we keep the political commentary outta here? Just once....until the thread at least reaches page 5.

[RACooper]

Originally posted by honeychile
RA Cooper, you're the only one who mentioned O'Reilly. The bottom line is, while I shouldn't have titled this thread as such, the friends I have who ARE in the ACLU saw nothing wrong with it. And, as you possibly know, it's darn near impossible to change to the title of a thread.

What IS apparent is that the 84% of Americans who DO celebrate Christmas are getting fed up with catering to that 16% of malcontents. The Founding Fathers did put freedom of religion into the Constitution, but to my knowledge, none were atheists. They simply did not want one state-mandated religion, such as the Church of England.

So happy whatever you want to celebrate, if indeed you care to celebrate anything at all. Just leave the 84% of us who feel that there is just cause to celebrate and rejoice the freedom to do so!

I'm sorry but this whole "issue" looks to be made up/promoted as such by certain groups looking for political or finacial gain.

While it's all and good that the Founding Fathers didn't want a monolithic equivilant of the Church of England (which really wasn't) that doesn't mean they advocated the monolithic celebration of Christmas as a "God given right either".

It's just in this whole push by the Christian right bashing the ACLU's "evil" or "athiestic" agenda, they leave out the part in which the ACLU is the ones defending there right to practice and express their religion in the face of any jackass bans - as long as they are respectful of others rights to do the same.

I just think it's ignorant and rude to assume that everyone celebrates this season in the same in your face manner that many 'fundies' want. Faith is fine, celebrating at church or home is fine, celebrating in a faith based school is fine, but forcing others to conform to this bastardized and commerical version of the holidays isn't.

[honeychile]

Originally posted by Honeykiss1974
This thread is hilarious regardless as to what you celebrate!

I love the memos from the HR Director. LOLOL And the 12 days of Christmas will be passed though my office. LOL

..and can we keep the political commentary outta here? Just once....until the thread at least reaches page 5.

I'm sorry for responding when I did - I do know how to take the high road, and in this case, I should have. I don't plan to say anything more about this, with those who have or have not a sense of humor.