Regional Dating Differences

[dphies00]

Hey everyone - I was talking to friends last night about the engagement rings thread and they chalked up the different attitudes on the thread to being regional differences towards dating and relationships.

I come from Northern Jersey and my family was born and bred in Queens. I went to college in Pittsburgh and some of the attitudes towards men, marriage, and dating were some like I had never even heard before. I had a sorority sister explain to me that she had never thought that she wouldn't be married by the time she was 23. I was shocked to hear that this attitude even still exists - and then, as I spent more time in W. PA I realized that she wasn't the only woman with this belief. People there will get married even if they're just starting out, with very little money. I come home and none of my friends believe they are close to being married. We all view marriage as a 'last step' if you will. You don't get married, then figure out finances and adulthood with your partner - you come to a stable place in your career, get money for a house, a wedding, pay off loans, finish grad school, then you get engaged and get married. If you will, you figure out adulthood on your own, then marry your partner. I have friends from college that are engaged and still in school, and have a long engagement planned, then a marriage before figuring out their careers. My NJ and NY friends who are in long relationships and fully intend to get married, when you ask them if they're going to get engaged soon, they reply, we don't have enough money. We need to start saving and stablize our careers.

And dating in NYC is supposed to be brutal but I love it. Probably because I am not conscientiously looking for a mate but looking for a relationship that will get me to a point emotionally where I will be ready for a mate.

All right, what do you all think??? Crazy NY talk?

[preciousjeni]

I had planned to be married with at least two babies by 25. It didn't happen! I was really upset but I've rethought it now. My great-uncle recently called me an "Old Maid" and he wasn't trying to be mean. Of course, we're Southern...deeeeep...so women are expected to be married.

[Susan_Renee]

Originally posted by preciousjeni
IOf course, we're Southern...deeeeep...so women are expected to be married.

Very true. People in the south do tend to marry at younger ages. Actually, I feel like some what of an old maid myself. I have several friends who either just became engaged, or just got married. It makes me feel like I'm behind everyone else and that I need to be looking for a husband, and i'm only 21!

[polarpi]

I don't know if it's just the values I was raised with, but I also expected to be married by the time I hit 25 (unless some guy sweeps me off my feet in the next five months, that's not going to happen! ) Ironically enough, a number of my friends here in California feel the same way, so I don't know if we're "exceptions" (because my perception is that Californians, at least So Cal-ers, aren't in any hurry to get married) or my view of Southern Californians' view of dating and relationships is skewed.

Maybe it's that buried Midwesterner inside of me

[valkyrie]

Honestly, where I grew up (Chicago) nobody ever talked about or worried about getting married, period. I never had any of my friends say that they hoped to be married by X age or that they wanted to do anything before getting married -- it was really a non-issue. To me, it always seemed like the kind of thing that would happen when it happens or not, but there's no point in worrying about it or planning for it.

[PureGoldF2K1]

None of my Philadelphia friends are anywhere CLOSE to being engaged or married. We're all 21/22 and we still feel like we're practically teenagers! I think its amazing that so many of my sisters are engaged with wedding dates set already. (Freshman year, one of my pledge sisters my age already had a huge rock on her finger....incidentally its still there almost 4 years later, so good for them...)

I dont see myself married until late in my 20s and then no kids until I'm in my 30s. I dont want to struggle financially in my married life!

[Taualumna]

I think it isn't just regional but also cultural. There was an article in the New York Times a few weeks ago about Russian American brides who were like 21 years old (and still in college). To me, 21 is way, way, way too early. My cousin is going on 27 and will be married next Christmas. Her fiance just turned 25. To me, that's still a little too young!

[AKA_Monet]

I got married at 30-something--first timer...

It is the trend that college educated folks wait until their late 20's or early 30's to get married.

And Polarpi, SoCal dating is a sport... How many different persons can you date within a week (day or hour ) is the name of the game... Especially when you are in your 20's... It just gets creepy when your 35ish or nearing 40 and you still are chasin' tail like you're in your 20's--but that's what plastic surgery is for in the great (mental) state of California... Ironically, in your mid to late 30's, you date all the divorcees but kids might be attached to that, so if you don't want strings, guess again...

If you want any quasi-settle downing dates outta SoCal, you can either leave, date other ethnic groups (maybe), or move to Orange County, near Riverside... But even then, folks still like to play and you are egding towards Vegas...

[polarpi]

Originally posted by AKA_Monet
And Polarpi, SoCal dating is a sport... How many different persons can you date within a week (day or hour ) is the name of the game... Especially when you are in your 20's... It just gets creepy when your 35ish or nearing 40 and you still are chasin' tail like you're in your 20's--but that's what plastic surgery is for in the great (mental) state of California... Ironically, in your mid to late 30's, you date all the divorcees but kids might be attached to that, so if you don't want strings, guess again...

If you want any quasi-settle downing dates outta SoCal, you can either leave, date other ethnic groups (maybe), or move to Orange County, near Riverside... But even then, folks still like to play and you are egding towards Vegas...

Thanks for the summary

Obviously I live in the wrong area of the country!

[sugar and spice]

Originally posted by valkyrie
Honestly, where I grew up (Chicago) nobody ever talked about or worried about getting married, period. I never had any of my friends say that they hoped to be married by X age or that they wanted to do anything before getting married -- it was really a non-issue. To me, it always seemed like the kind of thing that would happen when it happens or not, but there's no point in worrying about it or planning for it.

Ditto where I'm from. I think I know one (?) couple from high school who's married now, at 21-22, and they've been dating since middle school anyway, so it's not that big of a surprise.

That said, I know a handful of people who are living together. I do think that in areas of the country where traditional morals are less of an issue and everybody's not all up in your business judging you, people aren't in such a rush to get married when they know they can just move in together and it'll be less of a problem if/when (usually WHEN) the marriage ends.

[Munchkin03]

Originally posted by sugar and spice
That said, I know a handful of people who are living together. I do think that in areas of the country where traditional morals are less of an issue and everybody's not all up in your business judging you, people aren't in such a rush to get married when they know they can just move in together and it'll be less of a problem if/when (usually WHEN) the marriage ends.

It's funny...where I grew up, most of the girls, regardless of socioeconomic background, are married by the time they're 24--if they stick around the South. Those of us who left, either for or after college, aren't. My parents and family members aren't the ones hounding me about getting married; in fact, they want me to establish my career and become a little more financially independent before getting married. It's the Southern Belle friends of the family who ask every time I come home. I'm like, "I'm still in grad school! I see the difficulties my married classmates have juggling family and 19-hour semesters! MUNCHKIN IS NOT GETTING MARRIED BEFORE SHE HAS A JOB!" Wait till I tell 'em that, when I do get married, my last name is staying the same!

Very few of my college friends are even in serious relationships; actually, there were more post-graduation breakups that engagements. I know a handful of people who got married after college--but they were the ones who dated their HS sweetheart all through college, or they had religious reasons to marry young, or their husbands were considerably older.

So...what is it about Southern "culture" that encourages marriage before financial stability and life experience?

[AGDee]

While I am a generation earlier (or two) than most of you, the pressure was definitely there for my peer group. Most of us married someone we met in college, about a year after graduating. Those who didn't go to college got married earlier. There was definitely pressure in the Italian culture. When I attended a second cousins' high school graduation party, (I graduated the same year), her dad asked me "So, you are graduated too, when are you getting married?". My mom saved me by saying "We have to check out these men and make sure they're good enough for her". He replied "You wan't anybody checked out, you let me know"... lol. We suspect he's in a "family" business.

Here's the way I see it, in my area anyway: One of my grandmothers was married at 16, one was married at 17. My mom was a rare woman who went to college and she quit after two years to marry my dad (age 21). I finished college and got a job, then got married (age 24). I figure my daughter will finish college, grad school, maybe her PhD (she's a bright gal!) and then get married after her career is very firmly established. (probably 28-30).

The age gets later and later as women develop higher career goals and expectations.

[dphies00]

There was definitely pressure in the Italian culture.

I definately think there is pressure in certain cultures. However, my (Italian) great-grandfather had four daughters, then a son three years later the fourth. Each daughter worked right after high school graduation and each had a specialized skill - my grandmother worked for years as a dress maker and my other great aunts all worked in offices. Over his dead body did any man come to him to ask for his daughter's hand if they were involved in any 'family business.' He had seen enough women left to fry in various states over his time and his daughters were not being left like that. I think part of the reason he was so adamant about this stability in his daughters' lives was because there were four of them!

Around here, if anyone's engaged in their early twenties, people immediately give them this weird look and ask about their financial stability.

[aephi alum]

There are definitely regional differences as to when women are expected to be married and having children (and it seems to be mainly women who get the questions).

I'm from the Northeast US, and some people were very surprised when I got engaged at age 21. My dad actually told me, when I was 19 or so, that I wasn't allowed to date anyone until I had my doctorate. (Like he could stop me! ) He felt I should be done with college and financially stable before thinking about marriage and kids. And - by our choice - we did wait until after we were done with college before getting married.

Of course, now that I'm in my late twenties and we've been married for a few years and are financially stable, my dad is all like "why aren't you pregnant yet?"

[Coramoor]

What's with this that people think you can't be financially stable in your early twenties?

Being stable is one thing...but I think when people use that term they mean much more than just stable. They want someone banking.