I never thought I would do this!

neonsparkles · #1 02-24-2005, 12:42 PM

OK, I thought I would never ask a question on this forum, but here I am! I guess I just needed to advice of people who don't know me or this person in real life so it is unbiased.

Here is my problem: I like a guy who has a girlfriend. First of all, I would never do anything while he was with someone else because I have been cheated on.... so that is not an option. There is more to this though.
This guy has flirted and shown major signs of interest since last year, but I was going through the break up from hell (it lasted 5 months.....yeah) and I just recently began dating other people. It took me this long to realize that I have liked him since last year too.... and now that I finally realize it, its too late. We would have been together last year had I been ready.
He and his current gf haven't been together that long ( a month or two), and have already done the "break up and get back together" thing. He and I are pretty good friends, but lately he seems more interested in hanging out. I have seen him out at parties twice without his girlfriend and he always buys me drinks and talks to me. I have to stress he is usually just hanging out with his guy friends and isnt the type to flirt with other girls, so its not like he buys other girls drinks or flirts with them also. (And trust me, its not wishful thinking on my part, I have seen him and he just isnt a natually flirty guy). He called me tonight as asked if he could go out with me tonight to the bars... which his gf isn't old enough to even get into. AND... he is going away for the weekend and instead of spending time with her he wants to hang out with me.
Basically I could go on.. but I will sum it up and say he acts the same to me as he did before he had a girlfriend, he always gives me back rubs, flirts, gets all the things i need for work and class without me even asking him to do that... and I don;t know.
I am still dating other guys of course... but none of them have the same appeal as he does.. and I am nervous about going out with him tonight (going to the bars and all of that you know are never a good idea when you are trying to hide a secret!)
What should I do (and I dont want to cheat.. so thats not an option?) and have any of you been in this situation?

AchtungBaby80 · #2 02-24-2005, 01:04 PM

Maybe he's just not that serious about his girlfriend, or maybe they have a casual relationship. I mean, they've only been together one or two months, you say, so...

XOMichelle · #3 02-24-2005, 03:27 PM

Well, if you like him, flirt back! Go ahead and go to a bar with him. That's not cheating. Just don't kiss him. If he kisses you, tell him he has a girlfriend and you don't want to do that to her. If he likes you enough, he'll ditch the other girl.

AKA_Monet · #4 02-24-2005, 07:25 PM

I'm sorry, but this sounds so high school...

UKDaisy · #5 02-24-2005, 10:11 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by neonsparkles

I am still dating other guys of course... but none of them have the same appeal as he does.. and I am nervous about going out with him tonight (going to the bars and all of that you know are never a good idea when you are trying to hide a secret!)
What should I do (and I dont want to cheat.. so thats not an option?) and have any of you been in this situation?

First off, I so thought this was going to be about "doing it in the butt" or something like that. sorry normally "i never thought i'd" on this forum gets to interesting places.

Okay, you say that none of the other guys have that same appeal that he does. I could be way way way off base. But of course they dont' - you never got this guy, your gettin' those guys. Its kinda like your no matter how many times you shoot the basketball at the carnival - you never get the big prize. You just get the lil' stuffed animals. And you still want that big prize!

Also - there's that lead of intrigue...b/c its "ooh does he like me, but no he has a gf, is this innocent?". I really hate to say it, but thats fun to do. Its fun to have this lil' secret nobody knows and its fun to keep guessing. Keep in mind, its only fun for a while! It gets real old real quick! Also - once that is gone, it sadly takes a lot away from what you thought was your relationship. *But it doesn't sound like you too have that much of a problem with it*

There's another advice thread like this and James pointed out that reactions would be different if it was in a reverse situation. Which this is sorta like that. Interesting.....check out the "advice" thread.

I"m not saying don't go after the guy... but he has to get his "stuff" taken care...and you need to know where you stand in all of this! If you're this great, wonderful girl friend thats awesome. Or if you're someone he wants to be with, even better.

I hope I kinda made sense.

sugar and spice · #6 02-25-2005, 03:33 AM

Is he flirty with all girls, or just you?

James · #7 02-26-2005, 03:42 PM

How can a break up last 5 months??

Its takes only one sentence to say you are over. Which part of EX don't you understand.

If you had a break-up that lasted 5 months . . . it means you didn't have a break up, just an extended fight.

Same thing goes for people that break-up and get back together. Thats just an extended pointless argument where one or both partes said something they didn't mean, like "its over"

winneythepooh7 · #8 02-26-2005, 04:42 PM

Maybe I am getting old (I have been outta college for awhile) but if I guy I was dating was giving another woman backrubs, buying her drinks and doing errands for her, I wouldn't be dating him anymore. Serious or not. I just wouldn't. And I also would wonder that if this same guy had a "girlfriend" and was doing all these things behind her back, what would he do behind my back if he was with me?

James · #9 02-26-2005, 04:46 PM

Always the reality check . . .

Quote:

Originally posted by AKA_Monet
I'm sorry, but this sounds so high school...

texas*princess · #10 02-26-2005, 07:14 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by winneythepooh7
And I also would wonder that if this same guy had a "girlfriend" and was doing all these things behind her back, what would he do behind my back if he was with me?

my
thoughts
exactly
.

APhiRattlerGal · #11 02-27-2005, 02:17 PM

so what happened???

DeltaBetaBaby · #12 02-27-2005, 07:03 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by UKDaisy
First off, I so thought this was going to be about "doing it in the butt" or something like that. sorry normally "i never thought i'd" on this forum gets to interesting places.

Whew, thanks...for a minute there I thought I was the only one.

neonsparkles · #13 03-01-2005, 04:11 PM

What happened.....
Well, you are right it DID sound a little high schoolish... I guess I am just nervous because I have not dated anyone in along time and feel, well a little out of the loop! So this is all new to me again!
As for the break up.. yes it should have just ended.. but I was a stupid girl and thought that he meant it when he said he still wanted to be with me but wanted to take a step back and it wasn't to be with other girls. In my defense we had been together for almost 4 years and I thought he was just trying to adjust to college (silly me, I know

)
Anyway, I never got to meet up with him that night, since I had to take care of a sick friend. We work together though and I have seen him since then, and I still feel the same.
The real problem is that he has lost feelings for his girlfriend, but her father died in a car crash right before they were going to break up... and he does not want to add to any of her pain by breaking up with her since he still wants to be friends (and this was told to me by his best friend who does not know that I like him).
And, no he doesn't flirt with other girls.. the people at our work all think he likes me also.
I guess I just don't want to act on it because of that girl. I don't know her, but I would feel horrible if that were me... and I do really like him..... and I honestly don't think it is because he has the girlfriend. When I look back, I think I always liked him and just did not realize it because I did not want to give up on the guy I had been with for 4 years....
I have decided to step back though... we have spring break next week and I won't see him at work the rest of this week, so that will give me time to not be around him. I am hoping that maybe time will be good... either he will figure things out with her and it will work out for us, or I will move on.
Oh, and after I posted the title.. I realized it DID sound like I was going to write something ridiculous! I was not sure how to go back and change the title of a post though....

Rudey · #14 03-01-2005, 08:14 PM

I did not read what you wrote!

Did you guys have sex?

Please post the details!

-Rudey
--KSig RC wants to know everything!

James · #15 03-02-2005, 12:15 AM

Just keep in mind that everyone has a story. The only thing that can be important to you is his actions towards you. Stop trying to read his mind or intentions and pay attention to what he actually does.

Like break it off with her. Like take you on dates. That sort of thing. And a good way to see what is up is to ask him out on date like stuff and see what happens.

That will usually force me to blow off a girl I am just playing with.

Quote:

Originally posted by neonsparkles
What happened.....
Well, you are right it DID sound a little high schoolish... I guess I am just nervous because I have not dated anyone in along time and feel, well a little out of the loop! So this is all new to me again!
As for the break up.. yes it should have just ended.. but I was a stupid girl and thought that he meant it when he said he still wanted to be with me but wanted to take a step back and it wasn't to be with other girls. In my defense we had been together for almost 4 years and I thought he was just trying to adjust to college (silly me, I know )
Anyway, I never got to meet up with him that night, since I had to take care of a sick friend. We work together though and I have seen him since then, and I still feel the same.
The real problem is that he has lost feelings for his girlfriend, but her father died in a car crash right before they were going to break up... and he does not want to add to any of her pain by breaking up with her since he still wants to be friends (and this was told to me by his best friend who does not know that I like him).
And, no he doesn't flirt with other girls.. the people at our work all think he likes me also.
I guess I just don't want to act on it because of that girl. I don't know her, but I would feel horrible if that were me... and I do really like him..... and I honestly don't think it is because he has the girlfriend. When I look back, I think I always liked him and just did not realize it because I did not want to give up on the guy I had been with for 4 years....
I have decided to step back though... we have spring break next week and I won't see him at work the rest of this week, so that will give me time to not be around him. I am hoping that maybe time will be good... either he will figure things out with her and it will work out for us, or I will move on.
Oh, and after I posted the title.. I realized it DID sound like I was going to write something ridiculous! I was not sure how to go back and change the title of a post though....