The "crack-you-up" Thread

GIRLS, I figure we need a feel-good thread. So we can come here and smile when we have a rough day or feel down and out. Let's fill it with funny stories, short quotes, away messages, and such.
I wanted to share this with everyone...
AWAY MESSAGE:

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the
crotch of the person who screws up your day
and may their arms be too short to scratch...
AMEN

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I loved this one b/c I just got a $65 parking ticket today

[SapphireSphinx9]

oh good lawd girl!!!! that was funny!!! i had to show it to my co-worker... he about pee'd his pants!

thanks kc!

hey girl, i need to talk with you, call me sometime this weekend.

love ya~beth

USER: beta rose has this as a signature:

Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him quite frail, and with his odd diet and frequent fasting, he suffered from bad breath. This made him:
A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[SapphireSphinx9]

girl, you're on crack!!!

i got your message, sorry i didn't answer your call, but i was working in the warehouse today... getting durrty! haha!!!

i'll give you a call once i get out of work!

p.s. - the whole tuesday, thursday thing... how about night classes??? (i see you right now... "OH YEAH!!!")

glad to see you back. don't be a stranger!

love ya~beth

Let's just call this the Beth and KC chat thread!!! I'm actually going to try you later. DO you have to be three hours behind? Love you girl,
-KC

[SapphireSphinx9]

re: beth and kc thread... haha! ok?!?!

i got your text this morning! girl, they'll get back to you... don't worry! it took me forever and a day to get anything going on this end! but it's all good now!

man, so when are you coming back out to cali???

f-that! when am i going out to NY?!?! hehe

litp~beth

I got this one from an email:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the
same thing to them at funerals.


And Beth, I'll be moving into my own place in the next 3 months (hopefully) so I say you'll be out here within the next 6 months!!!

[SapphireSphinx9]

right on!!!! i'll pack myself in a box and send me over to you. hehe!!!

THE WASH CLOTH

There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me

that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just

packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45

am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any

time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort

over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be

able to make the

full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the

washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick

wash in "that

area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in

the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to

my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I

was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on

the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that

I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little

surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this

morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved

a sigh of relief and went home.



The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out

from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get

another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was

here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates ... but this takes the cake. This just tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays. This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

Marilyn said it was midwinter - snowing and quite cold and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). No, not Marilyn. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of
the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was freezing her butt off and needed some assistance.

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves,they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As for the Tonight Show ... she took the prize hands down . or perhaps that should be "pants down."

And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment - - - - "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off!"

[SapphireSphinx9]

haha! that's funny! imagine how embarrASSing that would have been!

here's a cute one:

"The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie"
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They
were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by
themselves.The lad asked, "What is this, father?"The father
(having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what
it is."While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an
old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and
pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between
them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his
father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.The walls
opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman
stepped out.The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go
get your mother."