Newly pledged son's House Charter now suspended.

[highanxietymom]

Hi, I'm just an anxious mom who has been reading your posts with great interest. I finally worked up the nerve to actually register and pick your collective brains. Your advice seems to be sound and your hearts are all in the right place.

My son has had a devastating experience with his newly pledged fraternity. This is a large campus (30,000 or so students) located towards the south? He participated in formal fall rush not really knowing what to expect. We live in a small town of 3000 and not many kids go to a state university and even fewer if any ever go Greek. His grandfather was a Lambda Chi at this same university but was never initiated. Our fraternity knowledge is quite limited.
My son, was Mr. Leadership in high school. President of everything, national awards...etc. All-State tenor..champion debater and so on...I think he's a great pledge prospect!

My brother's father-in-law is a big time national award winning alum of a certain chapter on campus. This fraternity in the one my son was most familiar with and the only one which he actually had a rec for. We didn't know a lot about this particular chapter although I had heard they had a reputation for partying. The night before signing, he chose to go to his 2 final parties at this house(BB) and another more prestigious house(AA).

He was immensely impressed with the AA house. He knew 2 members in it, but didn't participate in any summer rush activities because he was out of state most of the time. The BB house offered him a bid and the AA house did not. The 2 members he knew said that the bids went to legacys and guys who attended summer rush but it was a close vote. He was dissapointed as he felt he had more in common with the AA guys than the BB guys but was excited anyway.

Tragically, 6 months through the pledge program in house BB, severe infractions of the risk management code caused the house to be closed for the rest of the school year. The national organization takes action by suspending the charter indefinately. They can return to campus in 3-5 years. The brothers move into off-campus housing but try to stay close together. The national headquarters says the pledges can be initiated since they completed 6.5 weeks of the 8 week pledge program. In fact, all the powers that be...from the national people to the president of the parents organization all seem to be pushing for the pledges to initiate so that these guys can recolonize the chapter when it is allowed back on campus in 3-5 years.

My son feels a strong bond of allegiance and loyalty to his pledge brothers (and the BB House) because they have been through enormous adversity together in these past few weeks(and it's not over yet). However, he realizes that in 3 years he will be a Sr. and his college career will be nearly over. I'm encouraging him to de-pledge and go through rush again in the spring. Our Spring rush is much smaller than Fall rush. He knows more guys in all of the houses and knows more about each house and what he's looking for. I can't imagine what possible benefit he could gain by being initiated into this organization? I think they are pressuring the pledges to stick with it so that they will have members left to recolonize... how does that help my child?

My question to you is will there be a stigma attached to him if he de-pledges (even though the chapter is now basically defunct?) What would you do in this situation?

Hopefully, he can get into AA or another desirable house and at least manage to have a fraternal life of some kind???What should he do to increase his chances of getting in this spring? We did basically nothing in the fall. Should we seek letters of recommendation to the houses he's most interested in? Should those letters be directed to the rush chairman of these houses?

[LyonLuv]

hmm that is a hard situation. There may be a stigma, but it all depends on the people on campus. Depledging is not an uncommon thing and I can see why it would make sense for your son to depledge and go out for other houses in the spring that he will actually be able to participate in. On the other hand, if he has a strong bond with his pledge brothers, and the brothers in the fraternity it will be hard to let go. If he stays on board the fraternity he is currently pledging he may be able to make a differnce in it and show nationals and the school that they are worthy of being on campus again. It's really all up to your son. I wish him the best of luck in HIS decision!

[AGDee]

He may want to contact the President of the IFC (Inter Fraternity Council) and/or the Greek Advisor to find out if the groups have discussed whether they'd be open to pledging some of the men from the now defunct group before he makes any decisions. If they haven't discussed it as a whole, then it may encourage them to do so. Then he would be able to make a more informed decision about which way to go.

Dee

[33girl]

Why would the national tell the guys they can be initiated and then proceed to suspend the chapter for their entire college career??? That sounds to me like they only want the $$$ from initiation fees. If they have enough faith in these pledges they should recolonize immediately with these men as the nucleus of the group. The fact that you say people are "pushing" them to initiate makes me very leery.

He needs to wash his hands of this group and go through spring rush. He can still be friends with the brothers from BB, and he and his fellow pledges still might end up in the same group. If the BBs are true friends they'll understand & respect his decision.

[adpiucf]

In my experience, there would be no stigma attached to a man depledging a fraternity that was being suspended. Because fraternities have the power to "blackball" or depledge new members at will through the pledge period, it is not uncommon for men to rush and pledge 2-3 times before finding their fraternity home.

Why should your son initiate at a suspended chapter and miss out on the college Greek experience while he is a student? That isn't fair to him. He can still feel loyalty and allegiance to the pledge brothers he has been with-- as their friend. Why, though, should the pledges cut off their noses to support a chapter that may or may not be allowed back on campus in 5 years? That's a lot to ride on.

This must be your son's decision. You're a good mom to research this and be concerned for him. My gut tells me that while you should work hard, and pray and hope, you also can't put all your eggs in one basket in favor of a potential future payoff. There's no guarantee that the fraternity WILL be allowed to return by his senior year. And he will have just wasted his "golden ticket" by waiting on them.

Your son needs to do what is right for him. If he wants to go Greek to have a positive collegiate Greek experience, he should depledge and re-rush the chapter that his gut originally told him was right for him. College is about learning to trust your instincts.

[astroAPhi]

Originally posted by 33girl
Why would the national tell the guys they can be initiated and then proceed to suspend the chapter for their entire college career??? That sounds to me like they only want the $$$ from initiation fees. If they have enough faith in these pledges they should recolonize immediately with these men as the nucleus of the group. The fact that you say people are "pushing" them to initiate makes me very leery.

I agree. I think this sounds shady.

He has to do whatever would make him happiest. However, he shouldn't let BB hold him back if he'd rather not initiate.

[aephi alum]

This is a tough decision, and one that only your son can make.

Whether there is a stigma attached to having depledged, depends. Is it common for men to pledge one fraternity, depledge, and pledge another? If he can find the right way to present the situation, he might be ok.

I'm assuming he wasn't involved in the risk-management infractions.

Another option I'll throw into the mix is the option of forming a local fraternity, especially if other members of BB (brothers or pledges) are interested. However, creating something from scratch is a LOT of work. Also, some schools won't recognize local GLOs, and even if this school does, they may forbid the formation of a new group made up mostly or exclusively of BBs.

Good luck to him, whatever he decides.

[Firehouse]

You're getting very good advice here. Your son needs to politely sever his ties with the expelled group. I've been through this. There's no guarantee that they'll come back at all, and if they do the group he joined will be radically different by then. 33girl is right: this smells like a national looking for money. Fraternities are different than sororities. Fraternities think nothing of picking up pledges who have de-pledged other houses. In fact, when a house gets booted, there's often even a predatory movement to scoop up their pledges. Your son will be fine.

[Little E]

He should wash his hands and look at the other groups. He can still maintain those friendships and if he never finds another group, and they do come back in three years, he could think of them again. It is his decision, but the work needed to recolonize a fraternity is immense, does he really want to doe that his senior year when he'll really need to be looking for a job or grad school?

Besides, if you aren't actually ACTIVE for three years, what kind of experience do you really get from the fraternity?

[PhiPsiRuss]

Originally posted by highanxietymom
My question to you is will there be a stigma attached to him if he de-pledges (even though the chapter is now basically defunct?) What would you do in this situation?

It depends on the culture of the campus. Some greek systems, usually at small private liberal arts colleges, frown upon pledging anyone who ever pledged another fraternity. You didn't mention your son's school, but the profile that you described of that school leads me to believe that it won't be an issue. He does not have to appologize for his choice. If its brought up, it should just be explained in a matter-of-fact kind of way, and then he should move on in the conversation to something else.

As for what I would do in that situation, I don't know.

[highanxietymom]

Thankyou for your responses...I'm feeling better about the situation. No, he wasn't involved in the risk-management infractions, but the whole situation is ugly, tragic and will get worse before it gets better. Lots of press, local and national. There has been one charge filed against a member with grand jury proceedings to determine if more will be made.

Any advice to increase his chances of getting a bid from the house or houses he is interested in?

I appreciate your posts.
Thanks.

[astroAPhi]

Originally posted by highanxietymom

Any advice to increase his chances of getting a bid from the house or houses he is interested in?

He should just be honest about the situation. I'm sure the other fraternities already know about it though. They will probably respect that he doesn't want to be associated with what happened.

Like Russ said, be honest, but don't dwell on it. He should primarily focus on his selling points and let his personality show.

[steelepike]

My opinion is there is nothing wrong with depledges choosing a new fraternity unless you learn that they were actually blacked, rmoved from pledging process or that they quit because they thought pledging was too hard when in reality it is supposed to be difficult but not impossible. My roommate was a depledge because he quickly realized he had nothing in common with the other members of his fraternity, another guy same thing. Isn't a fraternity a way to bond with like-minded inividuals.

I have no idea how rush is done on your son's campus and recommendations i think may be a step too far, fraternities aren't merely interested in someones accomplishments its how he holds himself, how he relates to the other members of both the fraternity and the possible pledge class. Merits only get some one so far and those intangibles can more than make up for it.

Plus here at The University of Oklahoma we recently had a fraternity suspended and we are sure members of their pledge class are going to depledge and attempt to go through rush and find another place for themselves. One of our pledges roommates is in that situation and he said he feels that is what he is going to do.

[Peaches-n-Cream]

I agree with 33girl's advice.

I didn't go to a Southern school, but I know a guy who pledged for a month. He realized that the fraternity wasn't a good fit for him. He depledged and a year later pledged another fraternity. There were no hard feelings from the first fraternity. He was honest about it with the second fraternity.

[highanxietymom]

Thanks so much for your thoughtful replies. It helps so much to get impartial 3rd party responses. This has been quite traumatic to the brothers, pledges, and families of all involved. My thoughts and prayers go out to all.

A question to fraternity members??How important are recommendations in fraternity rush in Big XII schools??