Letters from the real Ted L. Nancy

[_Q_]

For the group's entertainment, here are some letters from the real Ted L. Nancy.
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Dear Administration Dept:
As part of my studies on human behavior, I am interested in putting a yogurt machine in your prison and serving yogurt to all of your death row prisoners free of charge.

I am convinced yogurt has a calming affect on criminals and it is my belief that after five months of yogurt (and certain toppings) even the most hardened prisoner will turn docile. I have done this experiment on rottweilers.

I will include all popular toppings--sprinkles, nutty crunch, gummies, and banana scrapple--which in my past experience has had the best effect on violent bulldogs.

If a death row prisoner thinks that he will be rewarded with a yogurt and a topping at the end of the day he is less likely to start a riot and burn his mattress. (Lactose intolerant included).

I would like to set up my yogurt machine in the middle of the cell block amongst the death row prisoners. This way they can see the machine and know the treat is coming. But I will put it anywhere in the prison you suggest.

I will supply the following: machine, all yogurt (swirl flavors), myself to dispense the yogurt, and of course the popular toppings. (Gummies will be shipped in, all others local). I have chosen Union Correctional Penitentiary (sic) because of the violent nature of your inmates. This works! There is no cost whatsoever to you at all. I will supply all yogurt AND toppings free. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
Ted L. Nancy

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Dear Mr. Bales:
Mr. M.H. Gallemore at Union Correctional Institute (sic) suggested I write you concerning a prison study I would like to do. I have just finished preparing a presentation I believe beneficial for inmates to see. I come to your prison dressed as Jesse James and behave like Jesse and talk to the inmates of the importance of NOT being an outlaw. How all outlaws feel sorrow and regret for their deeds.

The performance starts at the front gate where all the prisoners are assembled to watch me give myself up. I am then thrown in the general population as a new prisoner in my Jesse James western garb. I tell some more stories. I then excuse myself to go to the bathroom, and reenter as Frank James, giving a brother's prospective (sic) of what a rotten brother I have. I come back and argue with myself as the two of us.

I then go and change into women's clothing and come back as a mistress of the James gang explaining the suffering of being with this disgusting group. In a startling reenactment, I parade around dressed in authentic frontier women's fashion mingling with the inmates. Don't worry. I AM NOT PRETTY! (Or busty).

The performance concludes around a campfire in the prison yard where I sing songs about bad men and everyone gets a free yogurt.

I believe this is a rehabilitative tool and am anxious to come to your prison for my studies. I will give all results to you when I am finished. How may I do this study at your prison? I will pay you a fee you think is acceptable. Please write and let me know what you would charge. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
Ted L. Nancy

Note: The Florida Department of Corrections responded, "...you should be aware that the general ideas expressed in your letter, such as the campfire in the prison yard and your dressing as a frontier woman and mingling with the inmates, will not be allowed under any circumstances because they are a threat to the security of the institution and your own safety."

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Dear Coca Cola,

I have a beverage called Kiet Doke. Will it interfere with your beverage - Diet Coke? the taste is not similar at all! (Mine tastes like Pepsi). Let me know so I can continue to sell my soda. Thanks. By the way, do you use caramel in your soda? Just checking.

Following a response from Coke's legal division to immediately cease from making the soda, the author sends them a second letter:

There will be no more Kiet Doke on the market…and please look out for my new beverage - Piet Depsi. With the familiar slogan - It Tastes Nothing Like Coke. Also,what about the caramel in your soda? Are you using a lot of it?

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Ms. Barbara Ramey
RALPHS SUPERMARKETS
PO Box 54143
Los Angeles, CA 90054

Dear MS. Ramey:

Thank you very much for answering my letter concerning the haunted sponge I bought from a Ralphs store. Ralphs has been and always will be the only store I shop in for my food and sponge needs.

In your letter to me you said that I would be hearing from the supplier of this songe. I have not heard from them. And this sponge is bad.

Can someone from Ralphs come and get this sponge from me? This sponge is out to get me. I am afraid.

After I got your letter I went down to my basement and locked that sponge in a steel box and put a chain around that box. Then I wrapped that box in tape and put a shackle around that. Then I boarded up the basement door with over 1000 nails. Then I put a manacle on that door. Then I went upstairs to my room to get a good nights sleep.

At about 3 o'clock in the morning I woke up and looked down. That sponge was right by my bed. I am scared. Please help me.

Also, do you sell Brillo at your store?

When will I hear from the supplier? I need to know. Thank you for your reply.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

[kk_bama]

lollers!

[_Q_]

And here are some more....

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Customer Service
HARRODS DEPARTMENT STORE
87 Brompton Rd., SW1
London, England


Dear Customer Service,

I want to buy your "Hungry Midget Frozen Knuckles". (Mall size, please). I don't see them in the supermarket freezer. Where are they? Also, do you still make the "Hungry Midget Freeze Fried Frozen Frog Fritter Flap Franks"? I haven't seen them in over 12 years. Although I've only looked in one place. What about Frozen double toes? These are two toes that are together to form one toe, frozen.

Please send me info on all your frozen 'Midget' foods. They are good. They fit into the lunch box perfectly leaving plenty of room for ointment.

If you do not still stock these perhaps you can suggest gifts that I may purchase from your excellent store. I have heard you are the premier store for specialty items in London and Cerritos. Wonderful! Thank you. I look forward to hearing from you soon so I can start ordering.

Respectfully,

Ted L. Nancy


28 November 1996

Mr Ted L. Nancy
560 No. Moorpark road
APt #236
Thousand Oaks CA 91360
USA

Dear Mr Nancy,

Thank you for your most interesting letter dated 18 November 1996, which has been passed for my attention from our Customer Services department.

Unfortunately we do not stock, nor to my recollection have we ever stocked any "Hungry Midget" product. However I would be most interested as to what kind of food item are "Hungry Midget Freeze Fried Frozen Frog Fritter Flap Franks".

I trust this is satisfactory, and if you have any further queries please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely

Martin Wick
Trainee Buyer
Fromagerie and Frosted Foods

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Consumer Questions
OSCAR MEYER MEATS
P.O. Box 7188
Madison, Wisconsin 53707


Dear Consumer Questions:

I want to inject ham into me. I understand you sell the instructions on how I inject ham into me. It is the Oscar Meyer Ham Injection System booklet. I want to inject ham into me this Friday.

Also, if I bake a ham at 350 degrees for 5 hours, is that too much? And, can ham stay in the refridgerator for a month? I look to an answer on my questions. Thank you. You are the best at helping consumers with their concerns and problems. That is why I like your ham. And I WILL continue to purchase your ham!

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

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Dear Sahara Hotel:

I will be travelling to Las Vegas soon and very much want to overnight stay at your fine hotel. I have seen pictures of it in windows.

I travel with my own mirror. It is a full length mirror that I keep with me always. It really does make me look the best. Other mirrors make me look puffy, which I am not!

Although it is a large mirror and breakable (8' by 3') I maneuver it around myself. I will use the slide stairwell when bringing my mirror into your hotel. I wanted to alert you so that when I'm out of the room during the day, my mirror is not accidentally removed by your housekeepers. I can not use other mirrors as hey really don't make me look as good. (I am not chunky). I really like the way I look in this mirror.

Please let me know if you have rooms available for the week of March 8th. I'd like to check in with my mirror. Thanks. I love your tile.

Sincerely

Ted L. Nancy

[mmcat]

rofl...
tee hee