Loyalty Question

[Ronso]

Hi, I've been struggling with this issue for a few months now and figured I'd ask the people here for advice since you all seem pretty chill and rational.

My sophomore year I decided to go through rush in order to meet people and make friends. On the first night of rush I met the XYZs and end up pledging them. I go through the semester and only have a few small problems (these will be discussed later) I kept to myself because I really liked the guys and thought I had found a good set of friends.

Anyway, towards the end of the semester I was dealing with some personal problems and my GPA goes to hell in about 3 weeks and I discover that I'm not only not going to make grades to initiate, but my semester average would be so low I couldn't repledge the next semester. At that point I noticed a marked difference in the way the brothers started treating me. A lot of them weren't as friendly anymore and some changed their nature completely. Guys who used to laugh and joke all the time barely had anything to say to me.

During this past spring semester all the guys who had once been great friends of mine and promised to keep in contact disappeared. My phone stopped ringing and I stopped getting invites to go anywhere. It was like a real kick in the head. All in all only 2 out of 60+ brothers stuck by me, which was especially bad since I had classes with quite a few of them. Thinking it was a case of out of sight, out of mind, I started making more of an effort to drop by and hang out with the guys and just felt a general sense of unwelcomeness, even from former pledge brothers.

Now I'm struggling with issue of whether or not I really ever belonged in the first place. During my pledge semester I had some issues with the way some things were done. The biggest one being how they were always talking aobut wanting to be the best and never backing it up. The best example would be the days we were supposed to dress up with our pledge pins. They would always harp on how we were supposed to look our best but let pledges slide by wearing any shirt so long as it was button-up with a collar and any tie. Brothers who never showed up for anything showed up for free food brotherhood events and a dinners with sororities; they of course spoke very strongly of brotherhood. They spoke so much of wanting to be the best and wanting to improve their image on campus but couldn't even bother to show up for a sorority serenade.

All of this has really put me in a crisis on whether or not I should repledge like I had previously said I would, pledge another fraternity, or just not do the whole greek thing at all. The huge problem with this is I feel a stronger bond to the organization than I do to any of the people in it. If I were to change schools, I'd seek out XYZ before any others. On top of that, I hate going back on my word. Would I be wrong for seeking out membership in a different fraternity? I'm not used to going back on my word and it feels almost wrong to abandon them even though they left me hanging first. On top of that the group I pledged doesn't exactly have a great image on campus, so joining another fraternity may be impossible. And even if it were possible, I wouldn't want to waste time on an organization that would haze me, and from what I understand, many on my campus do. Most importantly, I don't want to insult or hurt any of the guys. I don't dislike them, I just don't think I got the brothers I wanted from the whole deal. I don't want to spit in the face of the kindness my real brothers showed when I was their brother by no enforceable means at all. If I were in it for the girls and status and all that crap, this would be a much easier decision to make, but since all that can go straight to hell, I need your advice.

What would everyone out there do? Since most of you are initiates, how would you feel about losing a former pledge under circumstances like these? Is it just me or does not depledging make a sort of unspoken promise? How would you react to a guy like me rushing in the fall? Since I'll be a junior next fall should I think of myself as too old and just give up?

Sorry this was so long, but thanks to anyone who replies.