Friends with Friends

BabyP · #1 08-18-2004, 04:41 AM

I have a problem - for some reason I dont like my friends to get close to each other. Here are my reasons : I dont want them to do stuff without me ( I hate being left out ), there are different secrets I tell them, I cant complain about the other friend if they are friends, I dont like if they become closer than they are with me, and I like to be the one making plans not outvoted.
Do you feel this way? I try not to do this but it is so hard.

#2 08-18-2004, 06:17 AM

Sounds like you're being territorial when you're not supposed to. You seem to relish in the fact that you're the common link between these two groups, and you need to get rid of this complex before you find yourself friendless. Seriously, if you're fully aware of this, what makes you think that they aren't too?

Start sharing the spotlight. You'll be happier that way.

smiley21 · #3 08-18-2004, 07:45 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by OohTeenyWahine
Sounds like you're being territorial when you're not supposed to. You seem to relish in the fact that you're the common link between these two groups, and you need to get rid of this complex before you find yourself friendless. Seriously, if you're fully aware of this, what makes you think that they aren't too?

Start sharing the spotlight. You'll be happier that way.

co sign.

Kevin · #4 08-18-2004, 08:35 AM

Dr. OTW -- great advice.

winneythepooh7 · #5 08-18-2004, 08:38 AM

I think it's great when my friends all get along. I've had instances in the past where they don't and that just sucks. It's better if everyone gets along than not, for your own sanity. I have 2 friends that several of my friends don't like. It's like sneaking around when I hang out with either one of them because I have to hear the criticism from my other friends. Life is too short for that

AOIIalum · #6 08-18-2004, 12:48 PM

My son (turning 12 next week) is having a rough time right now because of this. He's got a buddy--a great kid, but is homeschooled and is pretty sheltered. DS is great about including his buddy to sleepover nights and get togethers at our home. Unfortunately, his buddy is reluctant to share DS with the other guests and it makes DS so uncomfortable. DS strongly believes that having more friends = more fun for everyone. It's a shame, because it's a hard lesson to learn and it's part of the whole "growing up" process.

Friendship is not about being the center of attention. Friendship is not about being the social activity dictator. Friendship is not about gossiping about who you know when they aren't around. Friendship is all about everyday life and having fun. Friendship is definitely being comfortable in your own skin and being yourself. Friendship is being secure enough to know that friendships will be strong, even when you may not physically be together. It can be a hard lesson to learn, and some people spend a lifetime refusing to learn it. Please, don't make that mistake, BabyP. Life is so much more fun with true friends!

Your true friends will remain so, whether or not they become friends with others. Besides, you never know who YOU could meet by introducing all of your friends to each other!

Dionysus · #7 08-18-2004, 12:54 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by BabyP
I have a problem - for some reason I dont like my friends to get close to each other. Here are my reasons : I dont want them to do stuff without me ( I hate being left out ), there are different secrets I tell them, I cant complain about the other friend if they are friends, I dont like if they become closer than they are with me, and I like to be the one making plans not outvoted.
Do you feel this way? I try not to do this but it is so hard.

I've always had issues with this. Whenever I'm the link - one of three things happen:

1. They get together and become better friends than they are with me (this what I worry least about).
2. They hate each other, and try to turn me against people.
3. They get together and TURN AGAINST me (this is what I worry most about).

BabyP, I think your worry is very legitimate. Not getting any attention is the least of my worries. But, I can't count how many times #2 and 3 has happened.

Sister Havana · #8 08-18-2004, 01:51 PM

It is a good thing when my friends all like each other. Going out with them is so much more fun when I don't have to worry about who not to invite along with whom, who shouldn't sit next to whom, that sort of thing. I have also met some of my closest friends through other friends.

That said, Dionysus, I've recently had #3 happen to me and it sucks. It's so high school.

33girl · #9 08-18-2004, 02:05 PM

It all depends on the people involved. One of my sisters (we'll call her Ann) was NOTORIOUS for this - say she's originally friends with Beth, and Beth has a friend named Cassie. Ann starts getting together with Cassie and eventually cuts Beth out of the equation altogether and messes up Beth and Cassie's friendship. The first time that happened, I was just like "oh well, that's the way friendships are sometimes." By about the fifth time I thought otherwise.

Anytime I've had 2 friends get "close" it's been mostly because they share an interest I don't - say they're both into John Grisham or something. They can gab about that together but I'm not offended, because I really don't care and they don't dump me as a friend.

But if you don't want Friend 1 and Friend 2 to get together because then you can't bitch about Friend 1 to Friend 2 - you're the crappy friend here, not them. That's just messed up.

AGDee · #10 08-18-2004, 07:57 PM

The people I choose to be friends with aren't people that I would "b*tch" about.. I don't get that. If my friends are sitting around complaining about me to each other, then I don't think they're really my friends. My friends stick by me through thick and thin, we support each other, enjoy each other's company. My closest friends from grade school aren't the best of friends with each other, but they know each other well since we went through 13 years of school together and hung out sometimes as a whole group. I can't imagine complaining about these women who are near and dear to my heart. They are the women who know my entire life history. I never have to explain myself to them and I can totally be myself around them. If they became closer friends, it would be great, because my circle would just be closer and smaller.

Dee