am I wrong to feel this way??

[ThetaGirl1997]

My live-in fiancé is a restaurant manager, and I see him maybe two nights a week, sometimes one night and a weekend day. The days he works, he rarely gets home before 8:00 or 9:00 PM, and since I have to be at work at 7:00, I generally go to bed around 10:00 or so. There are days where I don't even see him because he's asleep when I leave in the morning and I'm asleep when he gets home. Point is, we don't get to spend that much time together.

Last year he was in a bowling league, and it's getting ready to start again, for the next 36 weeks. Here's my question - am I wrong to be upset that he's spending one of our two nights together bowling? It's not that I don't want him to do his own thing - if he worked normal hours and I saw him every night this would be no big deal.

What do you guys think?

[winneythepooh7]

Is his work situation a long-term or temporary thing? I don't think you are wrong in feeling the way that you do. It is difficult being in a relationship when you both work opposite hours. I am assuming that you have already spoken to him about this. What was his response? I know what you are going thru, I think we have all been there at one time or another. Let us know how things are going

[ADqtPiMel]

I don't think that you are wrong to be upset. Obviously, you want to spend more time with him and this will take out of your time together. It's your right to feel any way you want to about it.

However, part of a happy relationship is having a life and hobbies outside of each other. If you deny him his bowling, he will probably be at least a little resentful, which could put a damper on your time together. I'm sure he misses his time with you, but I bet he also misses bowling (hopefully not to the same degree!)

My opinion is to let him bowl without nagging him about it and enjoy the time you do get to spend together.

[valkyrie]

You're really never wrong for feeling something. In your situation, I'd be upset as well because I really wouldn't be satisfied with getting to spend only one day a week with Mr. valkyrie.

Have you two discussed your desires/expectations with each other -- in terms of spending time together? Are you both going to be working the hours you're working now for quite a while? If so, is there any other way you can spend more time together -- maybe he could get up early once a week and have breakfast with you, or you could maybe take a nap when you get home from work once a week and then stay up later that night to hang out with him? If bowling isn't something that he considers a "guys only" activity and it interests you too, maybe you could join him?

Does he invite you to the bowling events, lol?

If I were in your shoes, I would be irritated. However, there are couples out there in the same general situation. Some couples do not see each other for months or years.

Balancing love-work-leisure-and everything else in life can be a formidable challenge. You guys obviously love each other, good luck, make it work!

[PennyCarter]

Theta, I totally feel ya!!! My boyfriend is also a restraunt manager and the hours SUCK!!!! We've been together for a little over a year and a half (most of that being long distance too!) and its been really hard. There are times that I completely hate his employer! He rarely gets off on weekends or holidays and they move him around a lot (but I think he's in one location for a while now and its only an hour and a half away!)

I don't blame you for feeling upset, you are totally justified. You deserve your time with him, but he also needs some time to do something he enjoys. Is there anyway he could ask to open more so he'll get off more evenings (even 1 more) or something like that. I also think that val's advice about him getting up a little early for breakfast and you maybe staying up a sometimes might help.

Unfortunately there is no perfect solution. Let me know how it goes! I'm sure I will continue to face these situations!