Wedding Reception Issues!!

[StumpsGirl]

I have a question...I am not engaged (per say) yet but he and I have definitely discussed a future together so this is not a critical thing yet. I DO have a few reservations about things and would like to know peoples opinions. Heregoes:

I grew up in a bible belt, southern Assembly of God, everyones-a-sinner-who's-not-like-us atmosphere. I hated it and have since (college) come to realize that embracing other people is an amazing thing. He grew up in a pretty open home. His parents supported his decisions and understood him well. NOW MY QUESTION:

My parents are expecting a simple reception with cake and punch after the wedding in the fellowship hall of the church. His parents are expecting a big bash with an open bar and lots of partying and fun. He and I don't even want to get married in a church...we would like a simple outside sunset wedding and perhaps a party later. How do I mix his parents and my parents views without making my parents look like prudes and his parents look like drunks!!! This is serious to me!!!

Any advice from people who have been through this sort of thing?

[NeonPi]

Originally posted by StumpsGirl
...we would like a simple outside sunset wedding and perhaps a party later.

Do this, and not only will you satisfy what you both want, but then you won't have either family looking prudish or 'wild' either.

Good luck!

[Kevin]

Have a party type reception, but make it something that would have been appropriate 30 years ago (music selection could be jazz or something classy like that). You could have an open bar, but no strong drinks. Maybe a cash bar to ensure folks don't get too toasted unless they just want to dump a wad of cash.

Good luck with this. Sounds like you have plenty of time to figure it out though.

[winneythepooh7]

I agree with the cash bar idea. Inevitably though, there are people that are going to get drunk and act a little crazy. You get them at every wedding. For some reason I think some people think weddings are an excuse to get crazy which all too often can be really inappropriate but that is probably a whole other thread! I would try to sit down with both sets of parents when the time comes and discuss your concerns and thoughts and try to include them in your wedding planning. Maybe you can even have some pre-wedding gatherings where there is alcohol served in moderation so they get used to each others lifestyles. Who is paying for the festivities? Does this influence your decision? Ultimately it is "your" day so I think you should go ahead and do whatever your idea for YOUR wedding is. You are never going to be able to please everyone and you shouldn't try. As an aside, I remember my parents telling me that after they got married and starting building their house, they almost got a divorce because they tried to please both sets of parents with everything THEY wanted built in the house. Finally they had to take a stand and just do what THEY wanted and things worked out great. Good luck!

[Lady Pi Phi]

It's your day. You need to do what will make the 2 of you happy...not everyone else. I absolutely agree with winneythepooh7.

If I can offer 1 suggestion, have more than one bridesmaid. My friend got married 2 weeksago and she had one brides maid. However, there was so much somplaining going on that my friend spent most of the night stressing because people kept bitching to her. As much as her maid of honour tried to help, she couldn't deal with it all. Your bridesmaids she be used as a buffer between you and disgruntled guests. You should have to deal with any of your guests isht!

ETA: I fixed it

[winneythepooh7]

that's such a good suggestion lady pi phi! i was a maid of honor once and the other bridesmaids did absolutely nothing to help out which stressed both myself and the bride out. also be sure that whoever is part of the wedding party gets the finances together early on and don't fall for that "oh i left my checkbook at home" crap. make sure everyone contributes their share to the pot. i got screwed that way too!

oh by the way it's winneythepooh, not whinneythepooh. do you think i whine too much?LOL

[Xylochick216]

I went through kind of the same thing. My family is a lot more reserved and doesn't drink, while my fiance's family definitely does. We've chosen to get married at a plantation in town instead of a church, and his parents are paying for the alcohol since they are the ones who want it. I know we will have people there who don't agree with drinking, but (as snobby as this sounds) it's my fiance's and my day. My parents would have never paid for alcohol, but since his are, it's all good.

As for a cash bar, I was always told that it's difficult to have one because you have to announce it ahead of time so people have money with them for it, and it's hard to announce it tactfully. But if you want to do that, I know that people do it a lot.

Hope this helps Good luck!

[Lady Pi Phi]

Originally posted by winneythepooh7
that's such a good suggestion lady pi phi! i was a maid of honor once and the other bridesmaids did absolutely nothing to help out which stressed both myself and the bride out. also be sure that whoever is part of the wedding party gets the finances together early on and don't fall for that "oh i left my checkbook at home" crap. make sure everyone contributes their share to the pot. i got screwed that way too!

oh by the way it's winneythepooh, not whinneythepooh. do you think i whine too much?LOL

Hahaha...my bad...I apologize

Too many typos when nosey co-workers feel the need to look over yourshoulder all the time.
Apparently NO ONE has any work to do here.

[kateshort]

Originally posted by winneythepooh7
I agree with the cash bar idea. Inevitably though, there are people that are going to get drunk and act a little crazy. You get them at every wedding. For some reason I think some people think weddings are an excuse to get crazy which all too often can be really inappropriate but that is probably a whole other thread!

At our wedding, there was an hour-and-a-half open bar cocktail hour before dinner. Just before dinner was served, I think they announced that the alcoholic beverages would not be available after dinner, and that guests might want to take advantage of that fact now. Wine was served with dinner (1 bottle each white and rose per table), followed by a champagne toast.

The people who wanted drinks got them free before dinner, but couldn't load up for hours after dinner. We also had a small gathering with 125 people-- a few were pissed, but there'll be a few pissed people no matter what you do.

(They were more pissed that we *didn't* kiss to the clinking glasses, but kissed almost any other time! Someone actually came up to me and said that it was upsetting people that we weren't kissing. I said, "I'm sorry, but I kiss my husband when the spirit moves me to; we don't kiss on command." That shut her up!)

[aephi alum]

Have the type of wedding you want... it's your day. But be prepared to foot the bill. Remember the Golden Rule: "He who has the gold, makes the rules." If your parents are paying for your wedding, guess what, you're getting cake and punch.

As for booze, at my wedding, we had an open bar during the cocktail hour, then wine only during the meal. If anyone had to have a drink after the cocktail hour, there was a bar elsewhere in the hotel. Nobody complained (or if they did, my bridesmaids did their jobs properly, because I never knew about it ) It was a morning wedding and lunchtime reception, which I think cut down on people's expectations that the booze would be freely flowing.

As for the clinking glasses, that didn't happen at my wedding. I'd heard about it, though, and we'd already decided what we'd do if people started clinking: clink our own glasses and look around with confused expressions on our faces

[Taualumna]

You can have two receptions. This is actually common for many Chinese Canadian couples who want to satisfy both their family and their peers. They'd have a "western" service, usually in a church or outside somewhere, followed by a "tea reception" with sandwiches, punch and alcohol. Later in the evening, they'd have the big Chinese banquet, held at a Chinese restaurant (usually the place is shut down for them), complete with the multi-course Chinese dinner, dancing (or kareoke), speeches, etc. Only the wedding party and close family/friends attend both receptions. Otherwise, it is one or the other.

[Lady Pi Phi]

Originally posted by Taualumna
You can have two receptions. This is actually common for many Chinese Canadian couples who want to satisfy both their family and their peers. They'd have a "western" service, usually in a church or outside somewhere, followed by a "tea reception" with sandwiches, punch and alcohol. Later in the evening, they'd have the big Chinese banquet, held at a Chinese restaurant (usually the place is shut down for them), complete with the multi-course Chinese dinner, dancing (or kareoke), speeches, etc. Only the wedding party and close family/friends attend both receptions. Otherwise, it is one or the other.

That's a really interesting idea.

But how do you let people know they can only attend one reception?

[Taualumna]

Originally posted by Lady Pi Phi
That's a really interesting idea.

But how do you let people know they can only attend one reception?

Print two different invitations. When my friend got married last year, those who were invited to the Chinese reception were not invited to the church service/"tea reception" and vice versa (except for the select few who went to both). Those who attended the big banquet at the Chinese restaurant just assumed that they married at city hall, I guess.

Actually, we're having two receptions.

After our ceremony we're having a short (3 hours or so) cocktails and hors d'oeurves reception for family and close friends. (about 125 people)

The next day we're having a gigantic, more casual reception where we've invited everyone, their brothers, and their dogs (okay, maybe not!). Everyone who was at the actual ceremony is invited to both (the cocktail reception was mentioned at the bottom of the invite, and the casual reception was listed on a reception card). That one will probably be closer to 300-350.

Seperate, less formal invites are going out to those who are invited to the larger reception only.

[StumpsGirl]

One thing we had already decided was to have a reception at a later date (possibly a 2 or 3 month anniversary) at his hometown. We live 850 miles apart so a lot of his family won't even be at the wedding unless they are in it. I guess that could be a good way to do it. Make sure the "home reception" is tame and then have an all out party later. (His parents will be paying for the later one.) Has anyone ever heard of that before? Having a reception about a month or two later for family that couldn't make it to the "real" one. Considering our distance....

It seems pretty possible to me.

THanks for everyone's ideas and yes, we do have a while before we have to make any major decisions. This is just something I have been wondering.