Reporting a Rape: How would you convince her?

1savvydiva · #1 06-13-2004, 07:55 PM

Just as the title suggests, I have a friend that was in a situation yesterday where she was sexually assaulted. She has not, and does not want to file charges. We are trying to convince her that she should...here is the background.

"Tasha" is friends with "Mike" for the last 2 years or so. "Mike" is cordial with our group of friends and we all look at him like a somewhat okay guy. "Tasha" and "Mike" end up having sex about 3 months ago...twice in a week period. They haven't had sex since, but remain good friends. About a month ago, Tasha gets kicked out of her apartment, and Mike offers to take her in to his house. We tell Tasha, that that's not a good idea because of their history, he's quite a bit older than her, and because he may want something (although he said that he doesn't want anything...no rent or nothing). She moves in with him, and we ALL have bad feelings about it, but she is one of the younger ones, and I just feel like she was being naive (and we told her so).

Anyway, everything was okay for the last month. No sex, strictly platonic. So "Tasha" comes home yesterday, and Mike has one of his homeboys over there and they are drinking. Tasha doesn't drink (she's only about 100 lbs anyway), but they "convince" her to drink some fruity drink. She said she took a couple sips and started feeling funny after a few minutes, so she said she didn't want any more. They both got aggressive with her and "Mike" forced the cup in her face. She got mad and pushed the cup out of the way and told him No. So he picks her up and takes her in the room...long story short, the "homeboy" holds her down while "Mike" gets protection...the homeboy leaves and Mike continues to assault her.

Long story, shorter...she said that she fought him, she scratched him so I'm sure that she had his skin under her nails. She had bruises on her back from being slammed against the wall, and on her arms from being held down. YET, she doesn't want to report this. She told us after the fact. She had locked herself in the bathroom for hours until he left for work this morning. We asked her why, and she said that she feels stupid for thinking she could stay with him for nothing. She said that she feels naive because we knew that it wasn't a good situation for her but that she did it anyway.

We tried to tell her that nobody deserves to be violated, but she just said that she'll take it as a lesson.

They moved her stuff out yesterday, but he wasn't there...but what can we say? I mean, i want to put out a hit out on him, but other than that

...what can we do?

Can anyone offer advice?

CrimsonTide4 · #2 06-13-2004, 07:58 PM

At the very least, she needs to get rape survivors counseling. I would report it if it had been me. As her friends, continue to be supportive of her but also urge her to report it. That lesson also involves making sure that Mike does not do this again. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE RAPED!!!

1savvydiva · #3 06-13-2004, 08:27 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by CrimsonTide4
At the very least, she needs to get rape survivors counseling. I would report it if it had been me. As her friends, continue to be supportive of her but also urge her to report it. That lesson also involves making sure that Mike does not do this again. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE RAPED!!!

That's what I told her, that if she doesn't do anything, that makes him think it was okay and it definitely isn't. I don't care if I sleep with you everyday for a month, if I decide on that 31st day I don't want you, you cannot take it. I told her this, but I guess she is still somewhat in shock. I don't want to force her to do it if she really doesn't want to, but I just wish there was something I could say that could really drive home the importance of reporting him....AND his homeboy.

Peaches-n-Cream · #4 06-13-2004, 08:39 PM

I'm so sorry about what happened to your friend. I would encourage her to go to a doctor and get checked for injuries. The doctor can also run a rape kit. She does not have to decide right now how she wants to proceed. If she decides to press charges, it definitely helps to have the evidence that a rape kit will provide.

1savvydiva · #5 06-13-2004, 08:56 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Peaches-n-Cream
I'm so sorry about what happened to your friend. I would encourage her to go to a doctor and get checked for injuries. The doctor can also run a rape kit. She does not have to decide right now how she wants to proceed. If she decides to press charges, it definitely helps to have the evidence that a rape kit will provide.

That's true Cream...thanks. She's already showered, but she still has bruises.

msn4med1975 · #6 06-13-2004, 09:22 PM

I do appreciate your concern in this situation but what we tell people when we do rape education is you can't force anyone to report the assault. The embarassment and shame is sometime overwhelming and the thought of speaking about that with anyone other than you guys won't help.

Just in case she needs to know:

A rape kit can be done UP TO 72 hours after the assault but if she doesn't press charges she may be liable for the expenses depending on the state.

Under most state statutes (most not all) ANY coersion or intoxication on her part can negate any consent he MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT he heard.

If she's showered at all the skin under her nails is probably gone so it really will come down to her bruises and the rape kit as well as her word.

Rape crisis counseling is FREE and CONFIDENTIAL especially if you are a college student. I worked in our counseling center as a counselor and (will be doing so for the next year as well) those are treated as emergency cases andwe will usually rush you in for services.

Continue to keep doing what you are doing, be supportive, let her talk about it as much or as little as she likes, and encourage but don't drag her to seek counseling. If you are all, Mike included, college students you may be able to file a complaint of misconduct against the other person that doesn't lead to legal sanctions but can impact anything from their financial aid to attendance at the school

1savvydiva · #7 06-13-2004, 09:33 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by msn4med1975
I do appreciate your concern in this situation but what we tell people when we do rape education is you can't force anyone to report the assault. The embarassment and shame is sometime overwhelming and the thought of speaking about that with anyone other than you guys won't help.

Just in case she needs to know:

A rape kit can be done UP TO 72 hours after the assault but if she doesn't press charges she may be liable for the expenses depending on the state.

Under most state statutes (most not all) ANY coersion or intoxication on her part can negate any consent he MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT he heard.

If she's showered at all the skin under her nails is probably gone so it really will come down to her bruises and the rape kit as well as her word.

Rape crisis counseling is FREE and CONFIDENTIAL especially if you are a college student. I worked in our counseling center as a counselor and (will be doing so for the next year as well) those are treated as emergency cases andwe will usually rush you in for services.

Continue to keep doing what you are doing, be supportive, let her talk about it as much or as little as she likes, and encourage but don't drag her to seek counseling. If you are all, Mike included, college students you may be able to file a complaint of misconduct against the other person that doesn't lead to legal sanctions but can impact anything from their financial aid to attendance at the school

Thanks A LOT!!! The only college student involved is her, "Mike" is pushing 30 (she's 20). I will strongly suggest that she takes advantage of some counseling. One of my friends works with Sistercare (an agency similar to what you work with) and I'm going to try and get her involved. The thing right now is that she doesn't want to talk about it. I just wish there was more I could do. What I want to do is clock out and go clock him upside his head (with a blunt object). I am very protective of my friends and I just feel like I'm not doing enough.

msn4med1975 · #8 06-13-2004, 10:32 PM

Right now you just need to continue to be there for her and let her KNOW that you are available to talk whenever she wants. It's not unusual that women don't want to talk for several days if not weeks or months. But if she starts getting severely depressed, because I'm sure she is a bit already, then yeah you may HAVE to drag her into counseling for her own safety. But until then just make sure if she's in school she contacts the dean of students so they are aware of why she may be missing class. She doesn't have to go into details but it will at least insure she doesn't lose any progress she's made thus far.

DeltaBetaBaby · #9 06-13-2004, 10:43 PM

Yes, it is very very difficult to report something like this, but please remind her that by having the courage to report it, she may be able to prevent this from happening to another innocent victim.

1savvydiva · #10 06-14-2004, 05:30 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by DeltaBetaBaby
Yes, it is very very difficult to report something like this, but please remind her that by having the courage to report it, she may be able to prevent this from happening to another innocent victim.

Thanks for responding!

Gyrl7 · #11 06-14-2004, 11:52 AM

It's so sad as to what happened to your friend. I think eventually she will report it, but she may do so in her own time. When that will be you may not know and she may just do so without telling you right away.. There is a lot of shame in being raped because some of the victims feel it was their fault that it happened, though I know that isn't the case with your friend.

Be supportive of her but I would just whisper to her to make sure she reports that other bastid that held her down because he is a participant also. Though he didn't committ the actual rape he helped!

I'll say a prayer for Tasha.....right now she needs comfort!

Sugar_N_Spice · #12 06-14-2004, 04:30 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Gyrl7
It's so sad as to what happened to your friend. I think eventually she will report it, but she may do so in her own time. When that will be you may not know and she may just do so without telling you right away.. There is a lot of shame in being raped because some of the victims feel it was their fault that it happened, though I know that isn't the case with your friend.

Be supportive of her but I would just whisper to her to make sure she reports that other bastid that held her down because he is a participant also. Though he didn't committ the actual rape he helped!

I'll say a prayer for Tasha.....right now she needs comfort!

Cosign! Definately remember to report that other guy too! 1savvydiva, it is TRULY sad what happend to your friend.

my thoughts and prayers are with her. I can only hope and pray that she eventually gets the courage to file a report against that bastard and that he spends some time behind bars.

1savvydiva · #13 06-14-2004, 09:53 PM

She still is insisting that she doesn't to report it. We are just keeping an ear out for her. She's living with one of our other friends right now, so that's good. I just wanted to tell you guys, thanks so much for responding, though.

AKA_Monet · #14 06-16-2004, 08:45 PM

I agree with Msn4Med's advice...

I was gonna say a snide comment, but for the sanctity of your friend, I will leave it alone... But:

WHAT PISSES ME OFF THE MOST ABOUT THIS STORY IS THAT DOES YOUR FRIEND "TASHA" REALLY THINK SHE IS THE FIRST FEMALE THIS "PEDOPHILE SEXUAL PREDATOR" ASSWIPE "MIKE" DID THIS TO???

I can GUARENTEEEEEEE IT!!!! Almost 99.9999999999% sure that Tasha is NOT the first woman this ^&($$&*(( Mike raped--AND just like in her situation...

What this ASSWIPE did is his M.O.--this is HOW he rapes unsuspecting women... He makes them trust him, offers them something they truly need when they are are dire straits, then he does some SHIT like this...

This issue is, what if there is some other young lady out there that he did this too and the prosecutors just need a tiny bit more evidence to convict is PUNK BASTARD???

And all the prosecutors need is for someone else to come forward, just saying they were raped!!!

What if that is ALL they needed???

Think about the 1000's of other young ladies that would be saved from some 30 year old, still runnin' after schoolgirls, livin' in his momma's house--'cuz for all you know, how do you know that was HIS place??? REALLY???

Usually, some "Mind Fucks" go in together to for a "place" they all rent, where they only take the "ho's" (as they call it) to get their groove on... Separate from their wives and children... Separate from their Mama's house... They have a whole system...

Many a "ball player" does that kinna shit...

And what if your friend got pregnant by this SHIT!!! How is she gonna rationalize that issue to herself??? Not placing any moral issue to this, but what if there was some worst shit that might not happen to her overtly, but way afterwards??? Like pregnancy or HIV?

Somebody's gotta stop this punk ass little dickly, weak, shameful, demonic, no dick strength, mofo!!! Even if it's gotta be "Lorraina Bobbitized"--DAYUM!!!

Believe me, I don't care how hurt your friend is, I DAYUM sho will put some SHIT out there 'bout that MOFO... Some FCUKED up shit, like he likes it with goats or somethin' on the DL--and tell ALL the girls somethin' about his pencil dick ass... And if he gets pissy, like a biatch wid a dick, then he havta deal with you to your face--then it's ohwn--like hot butta pop cohwne...

1savvydiva · #15 06-16-2004, 09:20 PM

Dang AKA_Monet...tell us how you really feel! J/K

Thanks a lot, and I agree with most everything you said. Who knows whether he's done this before? I honestly think that he probably has...who else would really have the audacity to do it how it played out? We told her that if not for HER, than to report him to potentially save some other young lady from doing the same thing.

Sidenote: Another friend of ours (who knows about the situation) saw "Mike" at the mall, and he walked up to her to speak. She shunned him and told him that she couldn't believe he would even attempt to say anything to her after what he did to "Tasha". He said, "I didn't do nothing to that girl, and if she thinks I did, tell her to press charges...I dare her...tell her that." Now, I wasn't there, but that sounds like a threat to me, and I don't take threats (against me or my family/friends) lightly. Let's just say that this will be my last post about the specifics of the incident...I don't want anybody callin' me asking questions, should somebody catch him in an alley or something.