By jimi izrael
Well, I did say stranger things happen, but I would never have imagined that George W. Bush would get re-elected — let alone that the election would all come down to my state. I don’t know what to say — my best guess is that the Bush campaign had an underground initiative that worked hard courting the hobo vote. I found out last year doing an unrelated story, that an alarming number of bums are Republican. Still, it’s best not to point fingers.
Time to make the best of a bad situation.
Like a lot of you, I lived through the Reagan/Bush era, and acquired some important survival skills. I like to share what I know when I can, so I’m offering a primer on surviving the next four years, so you can pack your own little survival kit. If the first four G-Dub years were any indication, you’ll need this.
What You’ll Need to Get By:
Ramen Noodles
Zero nutrition value but they muffle a rumbling tummy.
Ragu and Spaghetti
Sauce and noodles is a meal, Jack. On payday, slice up yourself a tomato and go Prima Vera. Add a little salt. Now that’s fancy!
Mega-Discount Club Membership
You never know when you’ll need that 26 pound box of Bisquick, 184 gallons of Cranapple Juice or 60 pound can of beans. If you buy right, you can buy enough food for yourself and sell the rest on the block as a side-hustle. Hey man, everybody loves Bisquick. Its pancake mix and spackle, in a pinch.
Soup
A pot of soup can last a whole month if you only eat it a cup at a time
Self Defense
Self defense becomes important during the Republican years, because people are out to take what you got like never before. I don’t advocate the use of guns or straight razors as a means of protection, but you could spend a lot of money on an alarm system for your house and car, and if you can’t afford to keep the lights on or pay for a tank of gas, you may need to sell them for groceries. Best to protect your assets. So get yourself three bricks and a Big Ass Stick™. I call this the Brick-N-Stick Security System. Bricks are good for throwing or bashing, and the Big Ass Stick? You can ram it, swing it — its versatility allows you to get creative when you whomp on a muthaf--ka trying to take what you got. Now, keep a brick with you at all times — purse, backpack, front pocket, wherever. Keep one brick downstairs and another upstairs with The Big Ass Stick™. A brick also makes for a handy fire safety device — I mean, if your house catches on fire? Throw the brick through a window and get the f--k out.
Pager
Time to get your phone cut off and get a pager. With the cost of affordable housing, it’s not likely you’ll be living in one place for too long anyway.
A White Tee and a Black Tee
White for work and everyday kicking it and black for special occasions…like eating meat.
Four Words: Good-bye Beemer, Hello Escort
No one’s balling that hard anymore. Unless you intend to live in it, don’t fake the funk.
Washboard
Sell your washer and dryer. Forget the Laundromat too — use those quarters for bus fare, or wrap them up, put them in a sock and hey! Yet another personal defense weapon, lighter and more stylish than any brick could ever be.
A Push Mower, a Shovel and a Rake
Congratulations — just got promoted, huh? Promotion came with a 40% jump in pay, a better office and membership at a tony health club. Guess what, Sparky? You’ll be jobless soon. Yard work is honest work (for Mom, Dad and Baby!) and who needs a gym when you’re raking leaves for money? What, with you not eating much anyway? Give it a few weeks, and whoah! — look at those abs!
Now I know you have the numbers to a lot of important people in your Rolodex: stock broker, your Pilates trainer, pet therapist . . . that gourmet food place that delivers until midnight. It’s the Republican years, man and all those cats are out of business. Throw those numbers away. What you need is contact info on people that can really do something for you.
New People to Put in Your Rolodex:
The Grocery Store Clerk
It may be beneath you, but it’s in your best interest to get chummy with the person most likely to have an inside track on sales of feminine hygiene products, two-for-one cans of Pork-n-Beans, Ragu Spaghetti Sauce, lunchmeat and other things you can no longer afford but will need to survive.
Hustleman
You know that dude who sells tapes, DVDS and bootleg purses? He votes Republican. Why? Because hard times are really kind to he who hustles, as he becomes the Ghetto Wal-Mart — he’s got CDs in his coat lining, butchered meat in his trunk, toilet paper, clothes and major appliances at a secret, undisclosed location. It used to be a time when only mailroom clerks and janitors had a side hustle. But Republicans make everybody crazy-broke. If your peeps were smart, Mom would start pimping purses and Dad would be runnin’ Sean John out his trunk. In lieu of the in-house hook-up, get to know your local hustle man well.
If you just have to your MTV or can’t last a day without 106 and Park, better find yourself a Bootleg Cable Guy. Illegal? Yeah, sure — but so is election-rigging, and those people never get caught — chances are good you won’t either.
Animal Control Warden
He’s always angry and smells like dog mess, but he’s got the road kill hook-up, B. Don’t front — you know squirrel meat is good eatin’. And if you didn’t, before the Republican years are over . . . you will, Jack. You will.
Pass this list around to your neighbors and friends, and check off each item as you get it. Hopefully together, we can survive the Republicans.
No need to thank me . . . I’m always here to help.
First published: November 10, 2004
About the Author
jimi izrael is a journalist and opinion writer living in Cleveland Heights, Ohio. His work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune, Cleveland Plain Dealer, Atlanta Journal-Constitution and Philadelphia Enquirer. He blogs occasionally at
www.jimiizrael.com.
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