non-intimate relationship question

cashmoney · #1 08-05-2005, 01:03 PM

I have a friend, her name is Jen. She's a year older than me. We went to school together and for some reason we're still friends and hang out. Anyhow, her mom died from a heart attack last year. Her dad came home one day and found her dead in the living room. Now Jen is a trophy wife to the extreme....girl is drop dead beautiful and doesnt have an ounce comsetic surgery done on her. Anyways, she took it pretty hard when her mom died. They were really close. Well, a couple of weeks ago about 10 of us were at my place and some illegal activities were going on. Make a long story short she did a little over 5 grams of coke by herself. Next thing I know she's talking crazy shit to me about how she doesnt want to live anymore. I was like "WTF!?!?" She's engaged and her finace has no idea about this. All of us were like, "Jenn, its going to be alright." She thinks her life is shit. I don't understand because she makes about $80,000 a year in only her 2nd year out of college and she's gorgeous. She started talking about her mom and said how she misses her. I told her needed to lay off the Tony Montana for awhile and get her head straight but she insisted to me that she really doesnt want to live anymore. Now the old cashmoney would have listened to her and asked if he could fuck her before she commits suicide....but I'm not that guy anymore. So, what should I say to her? We've been talking and I told her she needs a vacation that is yay-yo free. Do any of you have any advice as to what to say to her?

Craig

sageofages · #2 08-05-2005, 01:14 PM

Assuming you really care as a friend, she is depressed. Losing a parent can bring on the depression.

She needs to seek outside help....in a word, counseling.

Talking about wanting to die is really a cry of help...and she cried to you. Answer the request and talk to her about what you experienced and encourage her to seek help. There is no weakness is saying "I can't cope anymore". Remind her of that.

Good luck.

CutiePie2000 · #3 08-05-2005, 01:46 PM

I would get this girl to a therapist / counsellor, stat.
I would say that she is still grieving the loss of her Mom and given that her Mom died suddenly, it was an even bigger shock (I speak from experience about losing a parent suddenly). I would say that she is still in the stages of bereavement.

Also, the cocaine usage is likely exacerbating the situation and wreaking havoc with her emotions.

http://www.brown.edu/Student_Service..._cocaine.htm#5
"Many users report depression immediately after taking the drug and for days after."

So get her away from the snow and into a therapist's care, quick quick quick as fast as your little legs will carry her.

cashmoney · #4 08-05-2005, 03:12 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by CutiePie2000
So get her away from the snow and into a therapist's care, quick quick quick as fast as your little legs will carry her.

Little legs my ass. If you saw me butt nakked you'd probably rape me. lol. And I'd probably like it.

winnieb · #5 08-05-2005, 03:32 PM

Like everyone else said-- get her some help ASAP--- She has serious issues and regardless of looks, money, social status she needs to get some much needed help.

wrigley · #6 08-05-2005, 03:46 PM

It's agreed that she needs some counseling. It wouldn't be a surprise if it turns out that she's using something more than cocaine to numb herself from the loss of her mom and the additional stress of planning the wedding without her.

Mr. Jen needs to be put on notice as to what's going on with her. She may hate you for telling him now but she'll thank you for it later.

AKA_Monet · #7 08-05-2005, 05:07 PM

Craig, get your friend some intervention soon. No more cocaine for her. She might be put in rehab because of her drug usage... So, get the girl somewhere before law enforcement forces her to do so...

Depression is no joke. And saying one wants to end his or her life is one thing and that does definintely merit a visit to a couselor. But having an actual plan about how to go about doing it... That should concern everyone around her...

I don't know if I would tell the fiance. But I damn sho' would get your friend some help, some kinna way....

christiangirl · #8 08-05-2005, 06:33 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by AKA_Monet
I don't know if I would tell the fiance. But I damn sho' would get your friend some help, some kinna way....

I agree. He needs to know what's happening, but right now she's more important. Get her help before you do anything else, any hospital would help(better a hospital than a police department). Trust me on this one, she may say that it was just the drugs, she's fine, but if she said it it's been on her mind. She needs help and outside help at that. This isn't something a good conversation can fix, you can't help her but you can find someone who can.

JenMarie · #9 08-06-2005, 12:15 AM

No matter how great her life may be aside from this, a sudden loss of ANYONE close to her could throw a perfect life into a tailspin. I agree with everyone else. Get her some professional help. At the very least, get her the number to a crisis hotline to get the ball rolling.

cashmoney · #10 08-06-2005, 09:43 AM

I talked to her last night before miss-cashmoney got home. She said she was just really fucked up because she did a little over 5 grams of yay, which isnt what she does every weekend but she's been known do go on her little weekend coke binges from time to time when her fiance isnt around. She said she's alright and that while she's thought about it....she wouldnt actually kill herself. I don't know what to believe. And to be honest, I don't want her death on my hands should it happen. I told her I don't ever want to see her doing that shit around me again and that if she valued our friendship at all she'll lay off the coke and get her fucking head straight. Even though I'm a year younger than her I end up treating her like I'm her older brother who's making her get her ass in line. Its been my experience thats how you deal with women like her. She's not exactly a submissive type of woman and there's only one way to deal with chicks like that.

I'm thinking about suggesting therapy. But then I try to look at it from my angle. How would I take it if some of my friends suggested I go to therapy if I was just a little whacked out because of whats been happening at the moment? I'd be pissed that my friends are basically telling me I'm pyscho instead of being a real friend and trying to help me themselves. When I was going through a VERY hard time in my life the only person that was there for me when I really needed someone the most emotionally was my friend/old roomate from college whose name is Tony (the black guy mentioned in some of my posts). He's 10 years older than me.....he's one of the two who are the older brothers I never had. He never called my parents up and told them what was going on, they had no clue. When he thought I was on the extreme when it came to narcotics, he basically slapped me upside the head and made me straighten up in a way my parents or therapy could not have helped me. What I really needed was a good friend who would stay by me and help me rather than trying to convince me I needed to be shipped off to a shrink that would have done nothing but put me on medication. And that is why I'm having a hard time suggesting to her the therapy option. I don't know if I have the time and will to put in the effort to help her. One difference between her and I is that I wanted to get out of the rut I was in...with her, she said she wants to die. She's a little more dramatic than me and I don't know if thats just her overreacting and what she really ment was "hey, my life sucks so bad that I feel like dying and what I really need is someone to talk to me who I feel comfortable around." Its really confusing. That and if I spend a lot of time with her it's really not going to look good to both of our significant others.

I should get paid for being everyone's shrink.

christiangirl · #11 08-06-2005, 09:08 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by cashmoney
How would I take it if some of my friends suggested I go to therapy if I was just a little whacked out because of whats been happening at the moment? I'd be pissed that my friends are basically telling me I'm pyscho instead of being a real friend and trying to help me themselves.

At the moment? Her mom died last year and you still are finding reasons to be concerned, that should say something.

***speaking very gently***

Yeah, you could be a friend and have her talk to you....then what? If she's got some majorly deep stuff going on (like, say an impending coke addiction and a traumatic death) what are you going to do with the info? She's a little more relieved having talked about it, but you can't do anything about it. Therapy is where you go talk to someone. Period. They don't lock you away or shove meds down your throat, you just talk. The only difference between her talking to you or a therapist is that if there's something really wrong, a therapist can help fix it. S/he can teach her how to cope safely, how to gain more control over her life. It may include medication, but unless she's got a mental disorder (which bereavement is not), it probably won't. You can listen to her, but you can't give her the means to do any of that. So what would a real friend do...what's best for her or what's convenient for you both? Don't judge her condition by how she's feeling now that she's back in control, think about what you saw when she wasn't. Because, from what you described, she will feel that way again, more strongly and more frequently. Are you willing to risk that? It's obvious how much you care about her and want her to be alright. This alone shows that you already are a good friend.

cashmoney · #12 08-08-2005, 09:37 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by christiangirl
At the moment? Her mom died last year and you still are finding reasons to be concerned, that should say something.

I don't know. My old romate's dad died about 2 years ago and he's just now getting back to normal within the last 6 months. Have you ever had a parent die when you were young? I think it's harder to deal with than when you're older.

christiangirl · #13 08-08-2005, 01:47 PM

That's true, but was he ever acting like your female friend? Was he ever that intense? Even if he was, if you could've helped his suffering end faster, you would have. You've already got enough advice from us (you know we're happy to butt-in

). You know this girl very well and you know you are one of the key people who can either help or hinder her progress. What you do is up to you. Hope we helped at all.

cashmoney · #14 08-08-2005, 04:59 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by christiangirl
That's true, but was he ever acting like your female friend? Was he ever that intense? Even if he was, if you could've helped his suffering end faster, you would have.

Actually he was. He told me if it wasn't for me and one other person he would have put a bullet through his head already. I didnt do anything but talk to him.

UKDaisy · #15 08-08-2005, 07:12 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by wrigley

Mr. Jen needs to be put on notice as to what's going on with her. She may hate you for telling him now but she'll thank you for it later.

Ditto.

I hope everything goes okay for her. Good for you cashmoney for caring like you do.