Getting over the ex you know is bad for you

[sugar and spice]

OK ladies, I know this has been a common topic with at least a few of you lately so help me out here.

You were dating a guy and things were pretty serious. He thought he wanted to marry you. You counted on him for everything until he was the only person you really trusted (no, not healthy). You spent almost all your free time together. Then somewhere along the line things went bad. Maybe physical/emotional abuse, maybe cheating or some other kind of major betrayal, maybe nothing quite that bad but just your run-of-the-mill bad breakup where neither of you can really deal with things being 100 percent over and a lot of things that shouldn't happen end up happening. Your self-esteem is shot, your trust is shot, and you're basically a wreck.


How do you make yourself stay away from someone you know is only going to make your life worse even though it hurts to be cut off from them?

Let's pretend you have already:

1) stopped talking to the boy and blocked his IM name
2) started up your hardcore workout routine for constructive stress relief
3) surrounded yourself with sisters, friends and family who are positive influences and distracting
4) made yourself hotter than ever and gone out a lot and flirted with boys (but not gotten involved with any of them!)
5) made the requisite "Boys Suck and I'm Better Off Without Them" mix CD to blast while in the car or running
6) had more therapy than you know what to do with (haha)


What next?

[chideltjen]

you are on the right track.
i am sorry this happened. it sucks but you are better off. It could be worse, you could be calling him every day asking why? but you aren't so that's good.

I had the same thing happen in a relationship. it was not great... my friends didn't like him... i was ultimately under his control and yelled at when he didn't get his way. (it was a mess...)

I am still scared of every relationship I jump into because it seems like the guys i do date treat me like crap. i know now to get out of those relationships faster than before but it still sucks.

i am not dating anyone now and i am happy with that.

i think time heals everything and for all i know, your emotions are shot and you aren't really sure what you want. of course you are going to think your love life is gonna be crap from now on; you just got out of a bad relationship. let things settle, stay busy and don't jump into anything or to conclusions.

[Rudey]

Have you looked into other girls?

Jules volunteers at a convalescent home and hooks up with a lot of those guys since she's emotianally needy. Are you needy?

-Rudey
--There's always crack-cocaine

[sugar and spice]

Originally posted by Rudey
Have you looked into other girls?

I tried but Kath turned me down.

Originally posted by chideltjen

i am sorry this happened. it sucks but you are better off. It could be worse, you could be calling him every day asking why? but you aren't so that's good.

Oh, we played that game for too long but it's time to be done now. It's tough because he claims he still cares but he's got a f*cked up way of showing it.

It's a lot easier for someone to hurt you if you've convinced yourself that they still care. But it's time to be done.

I'm glad you are doing better though! Of course time is always the best cure . . . I just hate the waiting game.

[AXJules]

Originally posted by Rudey
Have you looked into other girls?

Jules volunteers at a convalescent home and hooks up with a lot of those guys since she's emotianally needy. Are you needy?

-Rudey
--There's always crack-cocaine

Hey hey HEY who got you the job at the retard academy, huh?? Don't bite the hand that feeds you...

[Rudey]

Originally posted by AXJules
Hey hey HEY who got you the job at the retard academy, huh?? Don't bite the hand that feeds you...

I gave head to 6 guys with foreheads you can break watermelons with. If anyone deserved that job it was me so back BACK OFF!

-Rudey

[valkyrie]

You're doing everything right -- just keep doing it. It will get easier in time, I promise.

The most useful tool I've ever found that helped me stay away from people who are no good for me is simple -- pride. No matter how much I might want to be around someone who treated badly, my pride just wouldn't allow me to do it.

You are too good to play those recycle-the-old-crappy-ex-games -- you are a strong, intelligent, interesting and fun woman and there is no way you're going to allow yourself to have any contact with this guy who doesn't deserve you. Even if your whole world was this guy, it's not any more and it's time to take everything that was "us" and make it "you" -- trust me, you can do it.

[James]

How long has it been since the last time you spoke to him even for the briefest moment?

AS i stated before, love is like addiction . . as a metaphor . . but its also the best model for recovery that I know.

Any type you revisit your addiction you start the countdown to recovery all over again. If you talk to him, ignore him and talk to him . . its even worse because you never really get to feel good at all . . and you never fully recover.

So, stop any contact . .. make sure you get good nights sleep. A lot of how bad the process is will depend on your stress and fatigue levels.

Think about 3-4 days of valium or another anti-anxiety . . use over the counter sleep aids so that you get deep sleep. Eat well and excercise.

In a perfect world, if you can avoid him for like 2 months, it should be pretty easy to get over it.

[honeychile]

THE line that got me through my divorce:

"This is the man I used to love."

Do not deny your past feelings.
Do not deny your current feelings.
Allow yourself to move on.

Good luck!

[AlethiaSi]

awww hun! this situation sucks- and idk if you read the thread i started about the bad boy- but iknow waht you are going through- i'm even 3000 miles away and i still can't stop! i think what everyone has said here is so true... i guess time will help things... but just have faith in yourself.... a lot of people are going through what you are (me) and a lot of others have too- so you aren't alone... we're all here for you to rant and rave to

[Jadey28]

Sounds like you're on the right track. Have you tried the "write-him-a-nasty-letter-that-you-know-you-will-never-give-him" trick? After you write it, keep a copy handy so you can reference it when you think you need him. It might not cure all, but it will definately make you remember why you're not together. Atleast this trick always works for me. Good luck.

[sugar and spice]

Originally posted by Hootie
There are a few GCers on here who will never know how instrumental they were to helping me make it through the night because I was a sobbing mess. My friends didn't allow me to heal and talk about my pain, because they didn't like my ex, so why should I be so upset?!?! Talking helps a lot...believe me. It allows you to relive things and deal with the hurt. It also helps to hear that others have been where you are.

Oh yeah, I know how that is. Blaine will never know how instrumental he has been over the past few months in making sure that I will not end up hating the entire male gender. And where would I be without the harem?

Talking about it helps a LOT -- especially to my friends who are familiar with the whole situation. I thought it would hurt too much to talk about it and I would end up wallowing, but it really helps so much in giving me perspective on the whole thing and getting all of the worries and stress out.

Originally posted by valkyrie

You are too good to play those recycle-the-old-crappy-ex-games -- you are a strong, intelligent, interesting and fun woman and there is no way you're going to allow yourself to have any contact with this guy who doesn't deserve you. Even if your whole world was this guy, it's not any more and it's time to take everything that was "us" and make it "you" -- trust me, you can do it.

Thank you . . . I totally agree on the recycling the ex stuff. Previous breakups have taught me things like "Never play the breakup-back together-breakup-back together game" and "Don't ever allow yourself to do the rebound thing because you are bad at it and end up hurting feelings" -- now I just have new lessons to add to the list.

Originally posted by James
How long has it been since the last time you spoke to him even for the briefest moment?

AS i stated before, love is like addiction . . as a metaphor . . but its also the best model for recovery that I know.

Any type you revisit your addiction you start the countdown to recovery all over again. If you talk to him, ignore him and talk to him . . its even worse because you never really get to feel good at all . . and you never fully recover.

So, stop any contact . .. make sure you get good nights sleep. A lot of how bad the process is will depend on your stress and fatigue levels.

Think about 3-4 days of valium or another anti-anxiety . . use over the counter sleep aids so that you get deep sleep. Eat well and excercise.

In a perfect world, if you can avoid him for like 2 months, it should be pretty easy to get over it.

I haven't talked to him at all since Saturday and I think this will continue for at least a few more weeks if not longer. I agree completely that it is best to cut off all contact and even though it has been pretty difficult for me to do that until now I think I'll be able to handle it.

I am going to skip the valium because I'm already on another prescription anti-anxiety and I'd probably get addicted to the hard stuff.

Originally posted by honeychile

"This is the man I used to love."

EXACTLY. I just have to remember this.



Thank all of you guys who responded, and especially those who offered to talk, so much -- you have no idea how much it helps, especially to know other people have made it through/are going through the same thing. I have been doing really well so far and with any luck that trend will just continue. I hope any of you that are having similar problems are hangin' in there too. I'm always willing to talk if you need it . . .

[AXJules]

Originally posted by sugar and spice
Oh yeah, I know how that is. Blaine will never know how instrumental he has been over the past few months in making sure that I will not end up hating the entire male gender. And where would I be without the harem?

Talking about it helps a LOT -- especially to my friends who are familiar with the whole situation. I thought it would hurt too much to talk about it and I would end up wallowing, but it really helps so much in giving me perspective on the whole thing and getting all of the worries and stress out.




Thank you . . . I totally agree on the recycling the ex stuff. Previous breakups have taught me things like "Never play the breakup-back together-breakup-back together game" and "Don't ever allow yourself to do the rebound thing because you are bad at it and end up hurting feelings" -- now I just have new lessons to add to the list.



I haven't talked to him at all since Saturday and I think this will continue for at least a few more weeks if not longer. I agree completely that it is best to cut off all contact and even though it has been pretty difficult for me to do that until now I think I'll be able to handle it.

I am going to skip the valium because I'm already on another prescription anti-anxiety and I'd probably get addicted to the hard stuff.



EXACTLY. I just have to remember this.



Thank all of you guys who responded, and especially those who offered to talk, so much -- you have no idea how much it helps, especially to know other people have made it through/are going through the same thing. I have been doing really well so far and with any luck that trend will just continue. I hope any of you that are having similar problems are hangin' in there too. I'm always willing to talk if you need it . . .

Holy shit, girl. We ARE the same person...

If push comes to shove you can always pull off one of these:

[AlethiaSi]

Originally posted by OohTeenyWahine
If push comes to shove you can always pull off one of these:

ahahahahahahah thats fantastic! i love it!

and i have to say that i have learned so much from all of you- i know that when i go back to school... i'm going to be much stronger... thank you so much