my rant: why are boys so stupid?

smiley21 · #1 04-05-2004, 08:00 PM

disclaimer to the males out there: please take no offense. i am just really ticked off

i know i have stated in a earlier post that i sensed that the relationship was over with my bf. but i did want to work at it to where we were still happy and could possibly have a decent relationship. cause we have gotten so close.
anyway, today we had a fight. it happen because i told him that i didnt want to have sex for awhile. that statement made the air between us so thick that you could cut it with a knife. we were at walmart when he finally blew up (which was about two hours after my statement). he gave me that typical 'guy that needs to have sex' comment: " i am not a kid anymore".
we never got to the part when we verbally say that we are breaking up. but it is getting kinda obvious.
i am kinda releived but angry. was i expecting too much when i said that i wanted to wait for awhile to have sex. we did have a very physical realtionship but in the last few months, it has fizzled out. i mean i have sacrificed so much for him. and he always liked to talk about how he wanted to marry me. i would have liked him to respect my wishes.

i guess i should be happy, but i am not. everything happened so abruptly. i would have liked to express my feelings towards him.

James · #2 04-05-2004, 08:11 PM

What did you expect from him you silly rabbit.

Men approach intimacy through sex, women approach sex through intimacy.

In the situation you are in, if you tell the boy you are not going to have sex with him, you are breaking up. He isn't going to feel intimate with you, or tender towards you in the absence of physical contact .. unless he is gay.

Now I understand what women are saying when they physically withdraw. They are saying that they don't feel close, or intimiate. That there are problems in connecting that leaves them feeling bad and insecure in the relationship. Maybe unloved etc.

And that those things are very important to whether they want to have sex or even touch the boy.

But there is the problem . . . a man won't connect with you much emotionally without the physical.

Sick circle i have seen people get into before, she withholds sex so he withholds emotional connection and it just feeds on eachother.

Rio_Kohitsuji · #3 04-05-2004, 09:57 PM

I'm kinda on the guys side on this one. I mean, think about if you really really love chocolate, and this one person always gave you chocolate. One day out of the blue they told you they didn't want to give you anymore chocolate. Wouldn't you be upset?

Also, you could damage the relationship futher by the no-sex/physical-fun-stuff because all the males I've ever been friends w/have always said at times w/their girls pull this on them they will think, "What? Am I not good enough for her now?" etc. and their self-confidence will lower when getting intimate again. So, once you wanna get playful in the sack again, he may not want to jump back in w/you.

I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but I really feel sorry for the guy. It sounds like you just sprung into this new philosophy w/o considering his feelings about it or even clue him in on what was on your mind.

--Kayla

AUDeltaGam · #4 04-05-2004, 10:13 PM

In my opinion, any guy that is a great guy will respect your wishes. If you want to take a break from having sex, then he should respect and support your decision!

#5 04-05-2004, 10:18 PM

The real relationship was over, but from what you wrote, I get a sense of you guys just being fcuk buddies these last few months. You thought that you guys could work things out, but did he feel the same way or was he just sticking to you because he knew you were a sure thing given you guys' past?

Judging from what I have seen both in my own life and in my friends, the sex should have ended a long time ago and you really didn't have to pull this 180. His reaction's typical, did you REALLY expect him to do a poo-poo "I'll try to sacrifice this for you too and respect what you want and I'll be more sensitive to your feelings..." ? I'm surprised even waited two hours to tell you how he REALLY felt! Didn't have to be at a Walmart though.

And I really don't get that "I'm not a kid anymore" comment.

I'm sorry if I'm being brutal, but that's the way I feel. Don't be mad at the guy, in fact, you shouldn't be mad at all. Suck it up, and move on.

Oh yeah, it'd help if you left the boys to the little girls.

James · #6 04-05-2004, 10:25 PM

I think you are brain damaged.

I mean that respectfully and affectionately because I am sure you are a wonderful person and all . . . but Damn you girls get the wierdest notions!

Lets see, one of the major reasons we enter committed adult relationships is easy no stress access to the goodies. Thats not a perk, thats like part of the whole job description.

I like that, the guy should respect and support your decision . . . to . . . remove one of the major points of even being in a relationship. Uhm . . No.

If you want to stop having sex, you are basically saying that its ok for us to have sex with other people . . . . then we can provide you the emotional support that you want, while still getting the lovin' we need

Nice post OTW, keeping it real.

Quote:

Originally posted by AUDeltaGam
In my opinion, any guy that is a great guy will respect your wishes. If you want to take a break from having sex, then he should respect and support your decision!

smiley21 · #7 04-05-2004, 10:33 PM

no we are not fcuk buddies. we actually have a relationship. anyhow, i just said i wanted a break. i didnt say that i wanted to stop completely.

anyway, we had the longest conversation on the phone not too long ago. i dont want to get into detail. but he said that he doesnt want to end the relationship because i dont want to have sex.
i am so confused. cause now, i have to seriously consider if i want to even continue this relationship. it is hard. he is not the type to cheat (really he isnt). but i am wondering if i stay in the relationship and refrain from sex, could i be driving him to cheat? it is a scary thought. i dont know if i want to go through it.

James · #8 04-05-2004, 10:36 PM

Yes you are either going to drive him to cheat or . . . to die of a peculiar fatal disease that men can contract . . .

Testosterone poisoning . . a condition that can be lethal, its usually caused by a surfeit of excess sexual tension that has been created by a girl friend that used to put out, but has decided not to anymore while at the same time not cutting us lose to get rid of the excess tension with other girls.

Quote:

Originally posted by smiley21
no we are not fcuk buddies. we actually have a relationship. anyhow, i just said i wanted a break. i didnt say that i wanted to stop completely.

anyway, we had the longest conversation on the phone not too long ago. i dont want to get into detail. but he said that he doesnt want to end the relationship because i dont want to have sex.
i am so confused. cause now, i have to seriously consider if i want to even continue this relationship. it is hard. he is not the type to cheat (really he isnt). but i am wondering if i stay in the relationship and refrain from sex, could i be driving him to cheat? it is a scary thought. i dont know if i want to go through it.

#9 04-05-2004, 10:38 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by James
I think you are brain damaged. I mean that respectfully and affectionately because I am sure you are a wonderful person and all . . . but Damn you girls get the wierdest notions!

Lets see, one of the major reasons we enter committed adult relationships is easy no stress access to the goodies. Thats not a perk, thats like part of the whole job description.

I like that, the guy should respect and support your decision . . . to . . . remove one of the major points of even being in a relationship. Uhm . . No.

If you want to stop having sex, you are basically saying that its ok for us to have sex with other people . . . . then we can provide you the emotional support that you want, while still getting the lovin' we need

Nice post OTW, keeping it real.

Yeah James, and you know that first post you had above was I think the 2nd time I actually agreed with you.

Quote:

Originally posted by smiley21

i am so confused. cause now, i have to seriously consider if i want to even continue this relationship. it is hard. he is not the type to cheat (really he isnt). but i am wondering if i stay in the relationship and refrain from sex, could i be driving him to cheat? it is a scary thought. i dont know if i want to go through it.

smiley, in all honesty, if you have to consider all of that stuff and think about that for hours on end, it's so not worth it. Believe me, it's simply not worth it.

It's cool that he called you and wants to continue being with you, but it's so early to think about one thing and end up doing another months down the road.

smiley21 · #10 04-05-2004, 10:38 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by James
Yes you are either going to drive him to cheat or . . . to die of a peculiar fatal disease that men can contract . . .

Testosterone poisoning . . a condition that can be lethal, its usually caused by a surfeit of excess sexual tension that has been created by a girl friend that used to put out, but has decided not to anymore while at the same time not cutting us lose to get rid of the excess tension with other girls.

there is an easy way to prevent it. use a hand.

by the way, it is him that doesnt want to cut himself loose.

smiley21 · #11 04-05-2004, 10:40 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by OohTeenyWahine

smiley, in all honesty, if you have to consider all of that stuff and think about that for hours on end, it's so not worth it. Believe me, it's simply not worth it.

It's cool that he called you and wants to continue being with you, but it's so early to think about one thing and end up doing another months down the road.

you are thinking along the same lines as me. thinking about it now is giving me a bad headache. i am going to wait until tomorrow

AchtungBaby80 · #12 04-06-2004, 12:12 AM

Why, exactly, do guys need to have sex? Does your hair come out and your eyelids curl up, or what? I have never understood this. The quickest way to make a girl not have sex is to say, "But...I need it, because I'm a guy!"

No, smiley, I don't blame you for not wanting to be all lovey dovey with a guy for whom your feelings have been mixed up lately. I understand that he might see this as rejection, but honestly...would a guy want to sleep with a girl he wasn't sure he thought was cute? Don't let him, or anyone else, make you feel bad. You do what you think is right.

sugar and spice · #13 04-06-2004, 01:20 AM

The "I need it because I'm a guy and guys need it" is the LAMEST excuse ever and if you seriously tried to pull that on me I'd be out the door. And I think most self-respecting girls would. Believe it or not, there are a multitude of reasons why women (or men) stop having sex with their significant others and if you drop the relationship simply because of that you are a tool. (Assuming, of course, that it was not simply a relationship based on sex, in which case, whatever.)

That said, you need to keep in mind that there are a lot of people out there who will not stay in a relationship if there is an extended period of no sex (although depending on the person "extended period" could mean two weeks or two years) and that whenever you stop having sex you are taking that risk -- and that risk becomes exponentially higher when you are already having lots of problems in the relationship and then decide to cut off sex. At that point, what benefit is there to either of you to stay in the relationship besides the security of being in one? I know it's rough for a relationship to end, but it sounds like both of you will ultimately be better off.

AXJules · #14 04-06-2004, 03:08 AM

All I have to say is this...
You guys haven't been getting along.
You will no longer be physically intimate.
You have "sensed things were coming to a close".
You are now talking to people on a message board about whether or not to consider staying with him. (No shame in posting problems here, I'm just saying you're now at the point of relying on almost total strangers for advice.)

I would say it's done. And you said he's the one who can't cut himself loose...fuck that. You need to cut him loose- he can't make you be his girlfriend if you are OUT of the relationship completely.

Just my advice that is sometimes valuable, and sometimes worth ignoring.....

amycat412 · #15 04-06-2004, 04:14 AM

When you are in a long term relationship, desire is cyclical. It is a fact and anyone who denies this either A. has never been in a long term relationship B. is too young to really experience love and sex or C. is lying.

Do you stop wanting sex? Not really. But desire for your partner ebbs and flows over time. Do you not desire your partner during the less sex periods of your relationship? No, you desire him or her very much. Its just a fact of biology. Sometimes we want it more than other times.

In an intensely physical relationship, sometimes one partner needs to step back to clear their head. If the other partner truly loves and cares about them, they do understand and will be there for them.

And that is the truth from someone who has been in relationships almost non stop for 17 years.