The First Fight with the New Boy

sororitygirl2 · #1 01-10-2004, 02:07 PM

I've been dating a new guy about 8 months. He and I have known each other for years and been casual acquaintances, so when we started dating, it was really great and we wondered why we didn't do it earlier.

Things are still good except that we just had our first "real" fight a few days ago. We've had little arguments before, you know just bickering a couple of times, but this was something that actually mattered a little more.

I'm realizing that we have very different styles of arguing - in that I want to sit and talk things out and find solutions, and he just wants to watch TV, go to bed, and pretend nothing ever happened. In fact, I would rather do anything than that - I would rather have us screaming and yelling than to ignore an issue.

I know guys don't like to talk the way girls do and I've experienced this before, but never with someone as stubborn as he is. I've always been able to make my past boyfriends talk about things and draw them out of their shell when it came to emotions and facing problems, and we've been the better for it. But he is SO non-confrontational and pretty much has said "I love you and everything is fine" and that I need to deal with it, and that this is the way he is...

Other people who have experienced this before - what do you think? Perhaps he will open up as time goes on? Is there hope for us or are we just doomed from the start?

James · #2 01-10-2004, 02:21 PM

First-- We are always the MOST open in the beginning of a relationship while infatuated. When you are infatuated you WANT to tell all, talk about all and make accomodations. In fact a lot of people will bend themselves really out of shape in the beginning. So if they are reluctnat to talk early on about problems/stuff it isn't going to get better.

Second-People don't change. They can change themselves but its rare and you can't count on it when making future plans. Like don't count on winning the lottery, but it is possible.

Third-You can't change a boy. Let me repeat that: You Can't Change a Boy. And you wouldn't respect him if you could.

So he won't get better. and he won't change. You just have to decide two things: Is the issue you are arguing aboutand he won't resolve important enough to cast him aside for. If the argument is over butter versus margarine well . . but if the argument is that he won't stop baning fat dirty whores . . well thats different.

And two, is his inability to communicate with you in way that you find meangful, important enough for you to cast him aside . . oh and a third thing . . are you able to make cold blooded decisions like that lol? Most poeple are not.

An dkeep in mind that most peple don't have good lines of communicationwith their Significant other . . and most aren't all that happy they just like being with someone . . . so choose loll.

PhiPsiRuss · #3 01-10-2004, 02:25 PM

1) Men have difficulty communicating in an open way while physically still. Go on a walk and discuss the problem.

2) Makeup sex is great.

pirepresent · #4 01-10-2004, 02:28 PM

this guy sounds EXACTLY like my boyfriend - I'm in the exact same situation. We've been together about a year now, so I've had a little more time to get used to it, but James is probably right - he won't change.

But sometimes people DO learn to compromise. Like while my boyfriend will always instinctively want to watch tv, go to bed, and pretend like nothing happened the next day, now that he's been with me for so long he knows that when it's an important issue, trying to forget it happened makes me really unhappy, and so then he'll try to talk about it. And likewise, I know that talking things to death makes him unhappy, so on issues that I can get over, I'll just let him get away with the whole pretending-it-never-happened thing.

It's less a black-and-white kind of thing and more of a learning to compromise and live with that arrangement kind of thing. Everyone has their own style of life, so can you compromise on some issues? And do you think he can learn to compromise on others? If you guys really care about each other, then the answer is probably yes.

sororitygirl2 · #5 01-10-2004, 02:29 PM

Thanks guys!

Oh, and I've done the walk thing with boys in the past - it really does work for some reason. Also, it is non-territorial ground so less threatening.

Anyway, I don't want to change him - I just want us to find a happy compromise. I know that he is not the most open person to begin with, based on how he was brought up.

I just need tips on how to deal with it, without driving him crazy...

pirepresent · #6 01-10-2004, 02:36 PM

maybe try actually talking about your approaches to arguments in a non-confrontational way, when you're not in the middle of a fight. just when you're having dinner or something. and be honest with him, like say that you know he doesn't like to talk about issues, and that he prefers to just leave things alone. but it makes you really unhappy when he does that, because part of what you need as a person is to talk about things, and understand why you're fighting and how he's feeling. just say it would mean a lot to you and would make your relationship stronger if he would try to talk things out with you sometimes. and in return, you'll try to let things go sometimes.

it's all about compromise, and maybe he just needs to really understand how important it is to you to talk sometimes.

mattpike · #7 01-10-2004, 02:45 PM

i was a psychology major for a while, what your boyfriend is doing is what is called male withdrawl. all males do it, even me and i know about it. its just the psychological reaction to the threat of the arguement. we studied a course that is available called preps. me and my fiance are taking it right now. it teaches you how to talk your way through the fight and get to the real problem which is sometimes no where close to what the arguement seems to be about. it sounds wierd but it actually works.

sororitygirl2 · #8 01-12-2004, 02:59 AM

So, just wanted to update...

We talked and it was totally good, and we agreed that he will try to be more open and I will try not to push him to analyze every minute detail of each disagreement we have.

Things were still sort of weird after the talk though, and I panicked a little and then we talked AGAIN. We both agreed that we are just getting into that comfortable zone in our relationship where it's not always new and exciting every second, so we are going to plan a romantic date or a trip to do something fun and different.

Thanks for the advice/encouragement, all who replied...

James · #9 01-12-2004, 12:23 PM

I am glad you are being proactive about increasing the positive relaionship intensity. You never have to lose that "new and exciting" feeling. But it depends on the overall relationship skills of both parties.

It would have been better to start programming romance earlier though!

But question: assuming that romance is not intrinsic to his nature are you capable/willing as a girl in carrying that part of your relaltionship yourself? Usually thats the man's role.

Oh, and if you keep a journal track the way you communicate and see if there really is a change. That way you know

Good luck.

Quote:

Originally posted by sororitygirl2
So, just wanted to update...

We talked and it was totally good, and we agreed that he will try to be more open and I will try not to push him to analyze every minute detail of each disagreement we have.

Things were still sort of weird after the talk though, and I panicked a little and then we talked AGAIN. We both agreed that we are just getting into that comfortable zone in our relationship where it's not always new and exciting every second, so we are going to plan a romantic date or a trip to do something fun and different.

Thanks for the advice/encouragement, all who replied...