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The Great Sex Doll Cover-Up (June 25)

By now just about everyone in town knows that Friday the 13th was the day UCSC banned Delta Omega Chi from campus, after two DOC members reportedly fried and fed a koi called Midas to the pledges. But some suspect that what may have pushed UCSC administrators over the edge is a hitherto unreported act of what one observer called "vigilante justice" involving Porter College students, a blow-up male sex doll, and human hair dumpster-dived from a downtown barbershop.

UCSC spokesperson Jim Burns confirmed that campus police were called to the scene of a possible drowning June 11, only to find said sex doll, which was inflated and dressed in a DOC jacket, as it floated face down in the Porter Pond while holding a rake (which of course is the weapon the frat boys used to hook their catch).

"The doll had been filled with water so as to float just below the surface of the pond, arms outstretched, with the head hanging low and the glued-on hair drifting in the slow currents," says a Nüz tipster, who urged us to keep the hair salon's identity a secret.

"I imagine the patrons of this establishment might not wish to know that their hair possibly adorned a frat boy, even if only in effigy," he explained.

But said informer was less, er, coy with details of the porn shop proprietor, whom he describes as being "surrounded by such jewels as virgin blow-up dolls with replaceable hymens and blood capsules, custom fail-safe nooses, and butt plugs the size of eggplants," and "at first nonplussed and then disturbed when the size of the various possible male dolls was raised."

"I mean, what do you need, guy?" he is said to have asked. "My girlfriend is only 5-foot-1-inch, and that's good enough for me."

As to whether the frat boy effigy laid the ghost of Midas to rest, our tipster had this to say: "Give a man a fish, he eats for a day; teach the wrong man to fish at UCSC, and he might just sleep with the fishies."