Just Fun Storeys!

[Tom Earp]

Some of these you may have heard before, some maybe not, but they are all
funny.

IRISH SHOPPING

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with
olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
"what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"


"I'VE LOST ME LUGGAGE"

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with
tears streaming down his cheeks.

An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.


"WATER TO WINE"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an
empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been
drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"


"THE BROTHEL"

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel
across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and
one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye,
'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen
said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."


"LOST AT SEA"

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the
boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping
that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement
of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that
he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much
thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into
Guinness Beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew.

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a
long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going
to have to pee in the boat."


"IRISH PRAYER"

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he
slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet
running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"


"YOU'VE BEEN OUT DRINKING AGAIN"

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally
said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat
on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured
he'll crawl outside.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to
crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and
fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he
managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and
is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What
makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."


"THE REUNION"

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy
him a drink.
"Why, of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have
another round to Ireland." "Of course," says the second.

Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?" "Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."
"Of course"

The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you attend?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union.

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's up?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk
again!"