Advice

[Shawndalynn]

Here is some history. I met this guy my freshman year in college and he ended up going home at the end of the semester but never came back. Well we were friends so I always sent cards and stuff like that. Well my sophmore year he came into town and I got to see him. And then 2 1/2 years ago he called me but then said he lost my number. Then about 5 months ago he called the phone company and our phone bill just happens to be in my name and he got it and called me. And we have been seeing each other ever since then.

Me and my boyfriend have been going out for a while now but we are only able to see each other about 3 days every 3-4 weeks because of his job. We started arguing mostly because of me because I knew he would call me back and I would be able to talk to him on the phone longer. I realize now that was really stupid. But we broke up and at first he told me that it was because he wanted to be here with me and he knew he couldn't but I know him and that just didn't sound like him so he finally told me the real reason and it was the arguing. Now he says he still loves me and always will but right now he just can't do it. I feel like maybe he didn't feel appreciated and it was really hard something that I definately was not used to, him being gone for such long periods of time.. Now he is going to be home in about a year and I know I should not wait on him but I don't know what to do. Especially right now. Should I just let him have his space now and maybe the time apart will make him realize the love that we did have and if he doesn't then I guess it was't meant to be. I love him so much and I believe that he loves me it is just about the hardest thing ever because I have never felt so helpless.

I am one of those people who believes the people that are in our lives are there for a reason. And he came back into my life after 3 years for some reason I just don't know why.

Should I just leave him alone for a while and see what happens?

Thanks for the advice in advance. Sorry it is so long.

[James]

A word of caution: The "meant to be" excuse is what we usually say to make ourselves feel better after we screw up.

Guys can be kind of weird. Like your constant arguing was probably bothering him for a while, getting worse and worse with him not saying anything until honestly, just the thought of talking to you made him uncomfortable.

Its an unconscious thing.

You have to make him like you again. Seduce him. And whats going to be really hard is that you have created a pattern of arguing for both of you.

ITs like having a bruise, when you touch it hurts more than a normal touch would.

Every time you fight with him inthe future it will seem like 10 fights to him.

Think of it as a Emotional Bank Account: You have made withdrawals everytime you fought. Now you have to make deposits by being cool, nice, and sexy.

Are you sure you still want to be with him? And that the real issue is that you don't want to be alone?

[Shawndalynn]

That makes a lot of sense and was kinda what my roomate was telling me.

Yes I am saying that I do still want to be with him. It is definately not that I don't want to be alone. I have no problem being alone. I love him and he is very special to me.

And you say I have to be cool and everything how do I do that when I don't get to see him that often and should I just wait a while because I am still upset and that doesn't help the situation when I am upset and we talk. Should I just give it time and see what happens and then try and talk to him.

He is coming home this weekend for the first time in 3 weeks. Do you think I should just let it be this time and maybe next time he is in town try to get together with him for lunch or something. That way we both have a little time to think about things.

Thanks.

[James]

I feel like cashmoney giving advice . . .

Well you have decided that you want him. So lets work backwards from that idea.

You don't know what he is thinking so don't try too hard to analyze it. Guys mostly aren't emotionally complicated enough to justify it. You'll just mess yourself up. (And if a guy is as emotionally complex as a woman, ditch him fast )

You said he is coming home this weekend and you also said you want him. That makes up your mind for you. Try to see him. If he doesn't let you see him, well there you go. You will have to sit back and reconsider.

If you are thinking about not seeing him, and letting it wait, thats more about you than him. You would be letting your fear of rejection get in the way of getting him back.

When you talk to him and when you see him your attitude and tone will be vital.

In the beginning keep all phone conversations short! Keep your tone upbeat. You are glad to hear from him and look forward to seeing him.

If you keep it short its easy to resist the temptation of letting the conversation wander in a bad way or worse get a little pissy because you are tired. Oh and have something to say lol.

When you see him. If you are seeing him just to see him, as in no event, try to keep it short unless he suddenly breaks down into how glad he is to see you etc etc. That way you can stay upbeat and positive the entire time even if you are fatigued.

Tired can kill your relationship. Tired is stupid. Tired is whiny. Tired is moody. Did I mention Tired is bad lol?

Dress sexy when you see him. Modulate the tone of your voice so it draws him in . . . soft and positive is good.

Ok most important. Touch him. Men require physical touch and physical affection to establish intimacy. You can accomplish more with a few touches then hours of talking at us.

You can only access our emotions through touch. Well mostly anyway.

When you touch him treat him like a skittish horse. Don't just throw your arms around him and overwhelm him with clingy hug stuff. You got to ease him into it.

When you are speaking intently and upbeatly to him, grab his upper arm and squeeze it affectionately. If you do get a hug let your hands/fingers caress the back of his neck gently and linger for a moment.

Your goal is to cast a kind of feminine spell on him, get inside his head by being upbeat, soft an alluring, and attuning him to you through touch.

You should be able to get him back into the frame of mind he was in when he really liked you. And then if you feed that frame of mind you can make it stick.

And then after you make it stick. You can decide if you really want to keep him.

Good luck

[Shawndalynn]

Thanks for the advice. Well here is what I thought. I thought about giving it a couple days and waiting till thanksgiving on thursday to call him.. His father passed away 2 years ago and to this day the holidays are really hard for him. So I thought I would call him and tell him happy thanksgiving and see how he was just so he knew that I was thinking about him and that I did remember that he said this was a hard time for him and then I thought about asking him maybe if he wanted to go to lunch on Saturday.
You don't think that is to much to soon. It's more him I am worried about I am afraid if I push the situation (like asking to see him) then I may be doing more harm than good.

And I also sent him a letter which he should get by the time he gets home that is another reason I am not sure I should ask to see him.. The letter doesn't say much I didn't beg to be with him I just told him that I realized arguing with him to keep him on the phone longer was really immature and I was willing to try and fix that because I didn't want to lose him over this. And I told him how much he means to me and some of the little things I miss.

Thanks for the help. Anything helps at this point. I am soo lost on what to do. I feel like if I don't try then I am going to lose one of the best things I have had in my life and if I do try I might make things worse.

Sorry this is so long. I have a lot on my mind

[James]

You need to go out and have some fun. Call the girls and do whatever girls do in situation like this.

If you were a guy I would say go out, get liquored up and and get laid by someone else


A little fun will give you some perspective.

[Shawndalynn]

Well I have tried that and I am just not to much fun right now. No matter how hard I try, I miss him so much and can't stop thinking about him.

The getting laid by someone else is a no go. Sorry. I just don't want to be with anyone else.

Thanks for the help.