Religious Jokes!

[Cloud9]

Post your most hilarious jokes about religion, God(s), the meaning of life, and the afterlife! Try to keep them on the tasteful side...


I'll start:



A man stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, " What are all those clocks?

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "and whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock in in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."


Ba dum BING!


Aaaaaaaand another!



Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better at using the computer.

They had been going at it for what seemed like an eternity, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and it will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They dragged.

They clicked.

They double clicked and right clicked.

They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports.

They sent faxes.

They sent e-mails.

They sent out e-mails with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did some genealogy charts.

They made cards.

They did every known computer job and ran every known computer diagnostic.

But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours.

Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."


hahahahahahahahahahaha

[aephi alum]

The Pope and the head rabbi of the Jewish people [bear with me here] are having a disagreement as to which faith is "correct" - Christianity or Judaism. They decide to settle the argument with a golf game - a priest vs. a rabbi.

The Pope goes back to the Vatican and calls his advisors in for a conference. "We have to win this golf game!" he says.

One of his advisors suggests that he send for Jack Nicklaus, ordain him, and put him up as their entrant. So Jack Nicklaus is flown to Rome, ordained by the Pope himself, and sent off to compete.

After the golf game, Jack returns to the Vatican and says to the Pope, "It was amazing! I had the best golf game of my life! Two holes-in-one, an eagle and two birdies!"

The Pope says, "So you won?"

Jack says, "No, darn it... Rabbi Tiger Woods beat me by three strokes."

[MareImbrium]

I have quite a few. Here they are.

1) No Parking
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city and attached the following message to his windshield: "I have circled this block 10 times. I have an appointment to keep. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned to his car he found this reply attached to his own note, along with a ticket: I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I lost my job. Lead us not into temptation."

2) Irreverent Manipulation
Little Benjamin sat down at the desk to write a letter to God asking for a little baby sister. He started the letter like this:

Dear God, I've been a very good boy...

He stopped, thinking. No, God won't believe that. He wadded up the piece of paper, threw it away, and started again:

Dear God, most of the time I've been a good boy...

He stopped in the middle of the line, again thinking, God won't be moved by this. So he wadded up the letter and into the trash can it went.
Benjamin then went into the bathroom and grabbed a big terry cloth towel off the towel rack. He carried it into the living room and carefully laid it out on the couch. He smoothed out all the wrinkles. Then he went over to the fireplace mantle, reached up, and very carefully lifted down a statue of the Madonna. He had often seen his mother carefully dust the statue, and he had eyed it many times. On several occassions, his parents had told him that he could look but was not to touch the statue. Now, with all the care he could muster, he had it in his possession.
Benjamin gently placed the statue in the middle of the towel, carefully folding over the edges. He then placed a rubber band around the whole thing. He brought it to the desk, took out another piece of paper, and began to write his third letter to God. It went like this:

Dear God, if you ever want to see your mother again...

[MareImbrium]

I couldn't resist..haha. Hopefully someone will enjoy all these jokes. I liked the ones I've read so far. These are some real bloopers gathered from various church bulletins and orders of service:

1. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind, and they can be seen in the church basement Friday afternoon.

2. On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will please come forward to get a piece of paper.

3. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.

4. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north end of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

5. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

6. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth into Joy."

7. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. White to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

8. The choir will meet at the Larsen hourse for fun and sinning.
9. Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers will please meet with the minister in the study.

10. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

11. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

12. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

13. The 8th graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

14. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
15. Don't let worry kill you off--let the church help.

[Dionysus]

Hmmmmm I wonder what GC_Needs_Jesus would think of this thread? lol

[bethany1982]

These are good.

Cloud9, the fan joke was one of my favorite Clinton jokes when I was in high school. Thanks for the reminder.

[GPhiLlama]

Hee, I'm full of them!

There was this little boy who really loved his cat. One day, while he was at school, the cat was hit by a car and died. His mother didn't want to upset him, so she gently broke the news by telling him that "Your cat died, but he's with God in Heaven now."

The little boy replied, "What's God gonna do with a dead cat?"

[DeltAlum]

A Priest, a Rabbi and a Minister walk into a bar and sit down.

The bartender walks up, looks at the three and asks,

"Is this some kind of joke?"

[Rio_Kohitsuji]

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I bought these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?", the priest asked.

"They only know how to say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?"

"That's terrible", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

"Thank you." said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes Do you want to have some FUN?"

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says,

"Put the bibles away our prayers have been answered"

Q: What do you call a Taliban that owns a camel and a goat?

A: A bisexual.

Kitso
KS 361 more funny "Cave Jokes" to come

[aurora_borealis]

I heard this one from the leader of a bar band...

Q: What's an Amish woman's fantasy?


A: Two Mennonite!!!

[queequek]

Two Catholic nuns were riding their bicycles on a bumpy road. The younger one was moaning all the way, started out little moan then getting louder and louder. This iritated the older nun, and she said, "If you keep moaning like that, I'll have to make us put our saddles back on ..."

[Dionysus]

omg

LOL!

[OrigamiTulip]

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid? --Someone who worships the tree that is not there.

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid mathematician? -- Someone who worships the square roots of the tree that is not there.

What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub? - Self-Cleaning Coven

Q: What do you call a dating club for unattached Wiccans? A: Craft singles!

Did you hear that Kraft was so offended by that last joke that they moved their macaroni plants to Israel? Yeah, now they're called Cheeses of Nazareth!

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa!

The definition of "SAINT": "A dead liberal who is worshipped by living conservatives."

What's the best thing about Pagan friends? They worship the ground you walk on...

How do you scare a Unitarian Universalist our of your neighborhood? --Answer:
Burn a Question Mark on their lawn

A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller. "You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.

Another Catholic School joke: Sex is evil. Evil is sin. Sin is forgiven. So, sex is in.

Why did the Zen Buddhist get reincarnated as a Pizza Supreme? He wanted to be one with everything.

[MareImbrium]

This has to be one of my favorites.

An English schoolteacher was looking for rooms in Switzerland. She called upon the local schoolmaster to help her find an apartment that would be suitable. Such rooms were found, and she returned to London for her belongings. She remembered that she had not noticed a bathroom, or as she called it, "a water closet." She wrote to the schoolmaster and asked if there was a "W.C." in or near the apartment.

The schoolmaster, not knowing the English expression, was puzzled by the "W.C.," never dreaming that she talking about a bathroom. He finally sought advice from the parish priest. They concluded that she must mean a Wayside Chapel. They lady received the following letter a few days later.

Dear Madam:

The W.C. is located 9 miles from the house, in the heart of a beautiful grove of trees. It will seat 150 people at one time, and is open on Tuesdays, Thursdays and SUndays.

Some people bring their lunch and make a day of it. On Thursdays there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are very good. The slightest sound can be heard by everyone. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband at the W.C. We are now in the process of taking donations to purchase plush seats. We feel that this is a long-felt need, as the present seats have holes in them.

My wife, being rather delicate, hasn't been able to attend regularly. It has been six months since she last went. Naturally, it pains her not to be able to go more often.

I will close now with the desire to accommodate you in every way possible, and will be happy to save you a seat either down front or near the door, as you prefer.